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Etiquette

Sorry Kids Aren't invited

Outside of our two nieces and nephews - due to space we are not having kids at our wedding.   We both come from large families who assume kids are invited.   Should we call them up or send them an email letting them know that unfortunately due to space we had to limit the guest list and outside of immediate family children are not invited, or do we just leave it at putting 'Mr. & Mrs. Doe' on the invite and assume they get understand it from there?   Note: We sent out STDs addressed to 'Mr. & Mrs. Doe.'   Had we invited kids it would have added an additional 40 to our wedding.  

Thank you!
rmueller89speedytreat
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Re: Sorry Kids Aren't invited

  • Just leave it as putting those that are invited on the invitation.

    Just be prepared for people to add their kids to the RSVP and having to make calls letting them know that the invite was just for X and Y.
    This.

    We just had our two nieces.  We addressed the invites to Mr. and Mrs. LastName, and luckily there was no confusion on who was invited once the invites went out.  DH did have one of his cousins assume her daughter was invited before the invites were sent.  She sent him a FB saying that her daughter was saving her allowance to travel to our wedding, because she can't wait to see us get married.  He just explained to his cousin that we were keeping the wedding to first cousins (no kids).  She pushed back but eventually got over it.  

    So if someone says something to you directly assuming their kid is invited then I think it's fine to correct them in the moment so they don't go along thinking their kid will be invited and get shocked when the invite shows up.
    image
    s-aries8990PrettyGirlLostdoeydoLatham101114
  • I wouldn't recommend saying anything before the invites go out, unless someone asks directly. It's the kind of thing that could stir up gossip/drama that you don't need.

    Just address the invitation to the invited adults, and let the situation develop from there.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    alisonmarie658
  • Just list adults on the invitation envelopes, and if someone RSVPs for their kids or otherwise indicates that they think their kids are invited, tell them, "I'm sorry, but only those persons listed on the envelopes are invited. We are not able to accommodate anyone else.". Don't explain further.
    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83doeydovlupe
  • Jen4948 said:

    Just list adults on the invitation envelopes, and if someone RSVPs for their kids or otherwise indicates that they think their kids are invited, tell them, "I'm sorry, but only those persons listed on the envelopes are invited. We are not able to accommodate anyone else.". Don't explain further.

    This! If you try to explain yourselves for your decision you open up the doors for people trying to get around your decision
    darahmw
  • I would also start using word of mouth to further eliminate any confusion.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostawilson6833
  • KatWAG said:
    I would also start using word of mouth to further eliminate any confusion.
    I wouldn't do this until after the invites go out. If people hear about it too far in advance of the event, they may feel entitled to call the bride and complain about "why isn't my sweet little Oswald invited?"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  • GrrArghGrrArgh
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2013
    We just put the couple we were inviting and have ended up with roughly 20 kids being invited by their parents. My mom thinks it's rude to call and tell them no kids. So alternatively we're hiring a few of the young women from church who do baby sitting to supervise a side room with Disney movies playing in it. The room connects directly to the reception area so no hallways or anything for them to get lost in and is far away from the main entry so no wandering outside if they manage to slip away. The caterer is setting up chicken fingers, mac and cheese and fresh fruit for them to munch on. They are by no means required to go in to the side room, but it will be there for any whom may end up preferring it. Some people just like to party with their kids, we don't truly mind so I guess it doesn't truly matter!

    /edit - this is not the most budget friendly method of dealing with the situation obviously, however my folks are the ones paying so it's their choice. 
    Amyzen83Jtsma10
  • Inkdancer said:
    KatWAG said:
    I would also start using word of mouth to further eliminate any confusion.
    I wouldn't do this until after the invites go out. If people hear about it too far in advance of the event, they may feel entitled to call the bride and complain about "why isn't my sweet little Oswald invited?"
    If the guest is going to be rude enough to complain, I doubt it would matter whether the invite has been mailed.
    image
    NYCBruinPrettyGirlLostSheMarie82
  • @KatWAG That's fair. There is no cutoff date on rudeness.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    PrettyGirlLostStarIzInkd
  • My previous poet is a reply to NYCBruin's reply to GrrArgh. Felt I should make that clear!

    (couldn't edit)

  • I'm currently debating what to do about my youngest cousin. My fiancé and I want to keep the wedding adults only, and all of our first cousins are 18+ except for one, who is 7. I'm torn about whether to invite her based on how close she is on the family tree (we're not close personally; we've only spoken 3 or 4 times), or let her be the only cousin left out because of her age. I know I'll catch a lot of flak about it, so maybe that's why I'm waffling. 
  • I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    Not really anything for me to re-think. My parents are hosting this 100% their choice not mine (which is exactly what yall told me when I said I'd prefer a dry reception but my mom wants booze... she's paying so she gets to pick) 
  • GrrArgh said:

    I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    Not really anything for me to re-think. My parents are hosting this 100% their choice not mine (which is exactly what yall told me when I said I'd prefer a dry reception but my mom wants booze... she's paying so she gets to pick) 
    If your parents are insistent on letting uninvited children attend, I would make a phone call to all your guests with children and ask if they want to bring their children.  It seems like the fair solution and a way to avoid hurt feelings.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLostchiualover
  • NYCBruin said:
    GrrArgh said:

    I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    Not really anything for me to re-think. My parents are hosting this 100% their choice not mine (which is exactly what yall told me when I said I'd prefer a dry reception but my mom wants booze... she's paying so she gets to pick) 
    If your parents are insistent on letting uninvited children attend, I would make a phone call to all your guests with children and ask if they want to bring their children.  It seems like the fair solution and a way to avoid hurt feelings.
    I disagree. The guests who did not RSVP for their kids are polite, but if they are upset bc other kids are in attendance they have no right to be. The hosts can invite or accommodate children as they please. We only invited kids in our family, and two other VIP kids, but if people asked if they could bring their kids we allowed them. It was our decision who to invite or allow to come, and that should not impact the other guests' feelings. The only way I would feel differently is if some of the kids not coming were family - i.e. some cousins or nieces and nephews will be there and others won't.

    @AMattina If I was you, I would invite the cousin. Since she will be the only one left out it seems likely there will be hurt feelings over it if you exclude her. But that's just MHO :) GL!
  • We're running into this right now also. I mailed out my invites about 1 1/2 weeks ago and some of my cousins have already started calling. When we addressed our invites, it was very specific, Mr & Mrs_____ or The _____ Family. The only kids we are able to invite are those traveling out of town or a part of the wedding party. One cousin just asked me, are kids invited & I explained that we weren't able to have them all come & I hope it didn't make an inconvenience. Another, sent back the RSVP including her two kids that weren't invited. I had to call her & let her know, I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding but our space wouldn't allow us to have everyone's kids, so we had to close it off to just wedding party or traveling out of town. I said I hope you can still come & it doesn't cause an inconvenience. I haven't heard anything back on their status so we'll see. They may be upset, but they'll get over it. Don't worry.
  • NYCBruin said:
    GrrArgh said:

    I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    Not really anything for me to re-think. My parents are hosting this 100% their choice not mine (which is exactly what yall told me when I said I'd prefer a dry reception but my mom wants booze... she's paying so she gets to pick) 
    If your parents are insistent on letting uninvited children attend, I would make a phone call to all your guests with children and ask if they want to bring their children.  It seems like the fair solution and a way to avoid hurt feelings.
    I disagree. The guests who did not RSVP for their kids are polite, but if they are upset bc other kids are in attendance they have no right to be. The hosts can invite or accommodate children as they please. We only invited kids in our family, and two other VIP kids, but if people asked if they could bring their kids we allowed them. It was our decision who to invite or allow to come, and that should not impact the other guests' feelings. The only way I would feel differently is if some of the kids not coming were family - i.e. some cousins or nieces and nephews will be there and others won't.

    @AMattina If I was you, I would invite the cousin. Since she will be the only one left out it seems likely there will be hurt feelings over it if you exclude her. But that's just MHO :) GL!
    I agree with you 100% that parents don't have a right to be upset if their kids were invited but others were.  However, I do think they have a right to be upset if they find out that all they had to do was rudely RSVP with their children to have them included.  I also think this arrangement rewards rude behavior and "punishes" polite behavior.  And that doesn't sit well with me personally, but that's just my opinion.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    laurynm84SKPMchiualover
  • If my mother refused to tell them, then I would. Even if it was only to prevent them from being rude to the guests who did not bring uninvited children. I know I wouldn't allow myself to be connected to this kind of behavior. People would consider me to be the rude one because it was my wedding. And yes, I would think you were rude if I was your guest and I wouldn't want to hear about your parents. If you knew how to do it right, I would expect you to make sure that happened. You're old enough to get married, you're old enough to stand up for what's right. You could also pay for your own wedding so no one is rude.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • You are assumingthat people would know if the kids had been invited or not. You have all said it yourselves, it's okay to invite the kids of some but not others. Most of the kids in question are related (though in some cases distantly) To either side. Take out the knowledge of knowing why the kids are there, would you still be mad your kids couldn't go?
  • AMattina said:
    I'm currently debating what to do about my youngest cousin. My fiancé and I want to keep the wedding adults only, and all of our first cousins are 18+ except for one, who is 7. I'm torn about whether to invite her based on how close she is on the family tree (we're not close personally; we've only spoken 3 or 4 times), or let her be the only cousin left out because of her age. I know I'll catch a lot of flak about it, so maybe that's why I'm waffling. 
    That's tough! Do you think she'll actually feel left out? At 7, does she like spending time with all her cousins who are 18+? Maybe you could discuss this with her parents and gauge whether or not it would be a problem? 
  • NYCBruin said:
    NYCBruin said:
    GrrArgh said:

    I agree, this is the worst solution to this problem I have ever heard! Will there be parents attending that won't be bringing their children? I for one would be really upset if I realized I could have brought my DD with me. Plus, plan on having the parents bring them into the reception. There are either children invited, or not invited.

    Please- re-thiink this!

     

    Not really anything for me to re-think. My parents are hosting this 100% their choice not mine (which is exactly what yall told me when I said I'd prefer a dry reception but my mom wants booze... she's paying so she gets to pick) 
    If your parents are insistent on letting uninvited children attend, I would make a phone call to all your guests with children and ask if they want to bring their children.  It seems like the fair solution and a way to avoid hurt feelings.
    I disagree. The guests who did not RSVP for their kids are polite, but if they are upset bc other kids are in attendance they have no right to be. The hosts can invite or accommodate children as they please. We only invited kids in our family, and two other VIP kids, but if people asked if they could bring their kids we allowed them. It was our decision who to invite or allow to come, and that should not impact the other guests' feelings. The only way I would feel differently is if some of the kids not coming were family - i.e. some cousins or nieces and nephews will be there and others won't.

    @AMattina If I was you, I would invite the cousin. Since she will be the only one left out it seems likely there will be hurt feelings over it if you exclude her. But that's just MHO :) GL!
    I agree with you 100% that parents don't have a right to be upset if their kids were invited but others were.  However, I do think they have a right to be upset if they find out that all they had to do was rudely RSVP with their children to have them included.  I also think this arrangement rewards rude behavior and "punishes" polite behavior.  And that doesn't sit well with me personally, but that's just my opinion.
    I totally get what you are saying…

    In our case it was 5 uninvited kids. One of my friends called and said she couldn't come bc she couldn't find a babysitter and I told her to bring them. Yes, you could say she was fishing impolitely for an invite, but I didn't mind. The other was DH's employee and he did just rsvp his 3 teens. DH didn't want office drama so we just added them, despite being shocked at his brazenness. 

    Some times you have to pick your battles - which is what we did. I did verbally mention to my other friends with kids that if they couldn't get a sitter they could bring the kids. For me it was this, I didn't invite them on the invite bc I preferred not to have the kids there, but would take them if it resulted in an all or nothing.
  • I guess the difference is I wouldn't fault a host for making lemonade instead of chucking the lemons back at the tree. We are having the kids sitting area regardless of the not invited kids as we have many (12 of the 20 mentioned) that are in the party or with out of town guests. We are also having a few extra seats and food in case we get some none rsvp people too. My mom hates the idea of turning people away. She thinks it's tacky and just because they are being rude she doesn't have to be in her opinion. Ultimately we can't control our guests only how we react to and host them.
  • Ultimately we can't control our guests only how we react to and host them
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