Honoring Past Loved Ones. HE says no

coronado11

I have 3 grandparents past and he has 1. My family is very important to me and I want to honor them at my wedding. A simple candle lighting or roses on empty chairs. Something people can see but we wont say anything about it. FH nor his mother want this done because they think it will bring the mood down and make people sad. This is so important to me though. How can I handle this?

manateehugger

I agree with your FI and his mom. Weddings are a time for celebration. 

What about putting a note in your program, or carrying an old belonging (earrings, tie around the bouquet), doing a display of old family wedding photos, playing a favorite song, using a favorite flower, or danging a miniature portrait from your bouquet? 

There are numerous ways to honor loved ones that don't have the have the feeling of a funeral or memorial service. I think subtle is the best way to go: you get to feel as if they were honored, but you don't make your FI, family, and guests uncomfortable or emotional or upset. 

Jen4948

I agree-keep it subtle. @PDKH makes some good suggestions. Candle lighting and flowers on empty chairs can be too funereal and unsubtle.

misssunshine17

Empty chairs are about as subtle as a mac truck. You're not thinking about anyone else in this situation. What if you family sees this and bursts into tears in grief? You never know how people react. Second, this if your FIs wedding too!

hlvonb

I agree with PP. I would wear or have something on your dress, shoes, bouquet, etc to honor them.

CLI242009

FI and I are having a Catholic mass ceremony. In a normal mass at church we send our prayers to those who have passed in our community. During our ceremony, this is going to be said and done anyways, so we're going to ask the priest if he can add in the names of our passed away grandparents.

I'm not sure of what kind of ceremony you are having but you can maybe do a moment of silence in respect of those who could not be with you? Or ask your officiant if he/she has any ideas?

melbenso

MY FI's father passed away several years ago.  We have each lost several other family members who are very important to us.  We decided that for the pre-ceremony music, we would play songs that we know they loved as a way of honoring them. For example, my aunt, who passed away four years ago, loved Van Morrison, so one of the songs for guests to listen to as they are waiting for the ceremony to begin will be "Into the Mystic."  We may include an insert with our program that either lists which song is played for which person, or simply mentions that the pre-ceremony music was selected to honor family members who cannot be with us today.

Jen4948

melbenso said:

MY FI's father passed away several years ago.  We have each lost several other family members who are very important to us.  We decided that for the pre-ceremony music, we would play songs that we know they loved as a way of honoring them. For example, my aunt, who passed away four years ago, loved Van Morrison, so one of the songs for guests to listen to as they are waiting for the ceremony to begin will be "Into the Mystic."  We may include an insert with our program that either lists which song is played for which person, or simply mentions that the pre-ceremony music was selected to honor family members who cannot be with us today.

The bolded is a nice way to remember deceased loved ones.  I think trying to match each song to each deceased person may be a little much though.

audubonbride2013

I agree with PPs.  Do something subtle and personal.  I said this in a similar post on the etiquette board last week, but I'll repeat it here in case it gives you some ideas that your FI might be okay with.

I lost all of my grandparents during our engagement, and I wanted to incorporate my grandparents without making everyone feel sad (including myself).  Here's what we did:

• Held our reception at the same venue that my paternal grandmom & granddad had their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal and party
• Wore my paternal grandmom's original garter from her wedding
• Pinned my maternal grandmom's medallion that she wore every day to my bouquet
• Displayed our parents and grandparents wedding pictures on our escort card table (this was actually my venue's suggestion)
• Put a note in our programs

This all worked very well for us.  It was our personal memorial to my grandparents without reminding the rest of my family that they were missing.

Lauderdale Pink

I like the idea of lighting a candle but always thought that should be a private moment for the bride and groom prior to the ceremony or even just after (if you don't want to see each other).  Generally the bride and groom get a private time after the ceremony, so that would be a good time.  Or each could light a candle with their attendants prior to walking down the aisle.  The options are really limitless, but it is a private moment.

OliveOilsMom

To add to what was already suggested.  We had a special bouquet of flowers that represented each grandparent and FIL.  The bouquet did not have an explanation as to what it meant, but H & I knew.  I think subtle is best as others have explained.

HisGirlFriday13

I agree with PPs that subtle is better, and that an empty seat or a table of candles and photos of deceased loved ones is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop.

I wore a pin in a flower in my hair that my paternal grandmother had given to my father for me to wear on my wedding day. I carried a bouquet that incorporated the flowers of both my grandmothers' bouquets. 

The little things meant a lot to me -- and to DH, and to my parents, who knew the symbolism -- but they went unnoticed by a lot of other people (except for the hairpin; people commented on that frequently). It was a nice way to honour them without making it morbid or depressing. 

futuremrsfuhrer

Comprimise with him.

I am very family oriented and i want to incorporate people we have lost as well. I don't think it'll bring the mood down but thats just me. My FH brother passed away and we're setting his picture on a stand so he can be one of the "Groomsmen". My granparents have passed and im setting the picture of them cutting their wedding cake next to our cake when we cut ours. To me it's not sad, it's incorporating them into our special day even though they can't be here with us physically.

manateehugger

Kayf17 said:

Comprimise with him.

I am very family oriented and i want to incorporate people we have lost as well. I don't think it'll bring the mood down but thats just me. My FH brother passed away and we're setting his picture on a stand so he can be one of the "Groomsmen". My granparents have passed and im setting the picture of them cutting their wedding cake next to our cake when we cut ours. To me it's not sad, it's incorporating them into our special day even though they can't be here with us physically.

Have you guys cleared this with his entire family? FI lost his little sister, and I can't even imagine what emotional trauma a memorial like this would do to his family. I would start crying if I saw a picture of her where she could have stood, and I never even got the chance to meet her. 

icecreamS04

don't know how that happened only sent it once... 

icecreamS04

prettybirdy27 said:

Subtle is better.  I lost my mom when I was a teenager, and I put a note in the program.  I thought about wearing jewelry of hers or something, but I didn't want to feel sad every time I saw it.  I didn't want to spend the happiest day of my life being reminded of the saddest.

I can absolutely relate to that and in fact it was one of the reasons why we decided not to point out to our grandmothers that there husbands weren't there, to my uncle that his brother wouldn't come, etc. You never know how they are going to react. I don't even know whether I would react in a manner I usually do. It's a fairly emotional day and seing their picture might just be too much to handle emotionally. 

I like @melbenso 's idea to incorporate songs the deceased would have liked in the pre-ceremonial music. 

kmmssg

Kayf17 said:

Comprimise with him.

I am very family oriented and i want to incorporate people we have lost as well. I don't think it'll bring the mood down but thats just me. My FH brother passed away and we're setting his picture on a stand so he can be one of the "Groomsmen". My granparents have passed and im setting the picture of them cutting their wedding cake next to our cake when we cut ours. To me it's not sad, it's incorporating them into our special day even though they can't be here with us physically.

Are your in-laws cool with that?  I can't imagine being able to handle a picture of my dead child or grandchild on a stand "so he can be one of the groomsmen."  I would probably lose it.

OliveOilsMom

kmmssg said:

Kayf17 said:

Comprimise with him.

I am very family oriented and i want to incorporate people we have lost as well. I don't think it'll bring the mood down but thats just me. My FH brother passed away and we're setting his picture on a stand so he can be one of the "Groomsmen". My granparents have passed and im setting the picture of them cutting their wedding cake next to our cake when we cut ours. To me it's not sad, it's incorporating them into our special day even though they can't be here with us physically.

Are your in-laws cool with that?  I can't imagine being able to handle a picture of my dead child or grandchild on a stand "so he can be one of the groomsmen."  I would probably lose it.

Ditto this and PDKH.  If your FI would have wanted his brother to be a GM, a much better solution would be to put him in the program under GM and place the word Honorary after his name.  People will get it.  The picture of him on a stand where the GM will be standing during the ceremony is too much.  I'm sure your FMIL will not be able to stop crying during the ceremony and it won't be because her son is getting married - it will be because her other son is not there in person.

futuremrsfuhrer

My FH was the one who brought it up and of course i made sure that it was ok with everyone before hand. Everyone was on board and loved the idea. Trust me, if they weren't comfortable with it we wouldn't do it.

mimiphin

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

Jen4948

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

southernbelle0915

We had a small frame in the corner of the guest book table that said "This candle burns for those who cannot be with us on this special day." and we had a little candle. It was very small and I doubt most people noticed it but we both knew it was there.

mimiphin

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

mimiphin

prettybirdy27 said:

Subtle is better.  I lost my mom when I was a teenager, and I put a note in the program.  I thought about wearing jewelry of hers or something, but I didn't want to feel sad every time I saw it.  I didn't want to spend the happiest day of my life being reminded of the saddest.

Also, when I was in college, one of my sorority sisters died.  We have a yearly banquet, and the year she died, one of the sisters decided to make a memorial for her in the corner of the banquet room.  It was a picture with roses and candles.  It was really sad to see.  The whole evening, everyone avoided that corner of the room like the plague because it was awkward and sad, and seeing everyone avoid it made it even sadder.  It became a huge elephant in the room.

I agree 100% with this

Jen4948

mimiphin said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

It's up to you.  Your way is less subtle than the other way suggested.

HisGirlFriday13

mimiphin said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.


I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it.

It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events.

I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

It's just a matter of choice.  The wording "the late", whether on an invitation or not, just isn't very subtle.  So if you're looking for subtlety, I wouldn't use it.

mimiphin

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

I agree,
We are hosting the wedding ourselves and we aren't 100% on the wording but for the invites if parents are mentioned it will be,
Mimi Phin,
daughter of Mr. John doe and the late
mrs. Jane doe
 FI
Son of .....
request the pleasure of your company.
Yada yada yada.

That looks and sounds a lot better than adding asterisks and in loving memory, that sounds more like a funeral than a wedding. and it I think its about as subtle as being hit by a dump truck.
 For our wedding if parents aren't mentioned on the invite there will be a family section on the program. I don't want or need people who don't know to be asking me why my mum isn't there.

HisGirlFriday13

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

It's just a matter of choice.  The wording "the late", whether on an invitation or not, just isn't very subtle.  So if you're looking for subtlety, I wouldn't use it.

I disagree -- I think "the late" in a programme is subtle. I don't think it's subtle on an invitation. I don't think this stupid Pinterest trend of empty seats or seats with roses or seats with blown-up photos or ginormous candle-laden displays of photos or any other memorials are subtle.

I think a small note in a programme is subtle. I think denoting it with an asterisk would seem to make her an afterthought. 

[Deleted User]

H and I both wanted to honor our loved ones that have passed on but keep it subtle. We had a "In Loving Memory" section in our programs and I had a small picture of my grandmother placed inside a locket and attached to my bouquet. Our photographer made sure to get a shot of my Mom and I looking at it. 

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Jen4948 said:

mimiphin said:

Oh! I want to honour my dead mother for my wedding, How about having it on Sept 13th, the 8 year anniversary of her death... And it falls on a Saturday!! HOW GREAT!!!! Its so meaningful and no one will be uncomfortable, right!!

Or I could just say in the parents section of the program Mimiphin daughter of Mr. Mimi and the Late Phin.
I don't think I could handle seeing a picture of her the whole time to just so she could "Stand up" with me, or seeing an empty seat where she would have been. A wedding is a happy time, the only tears I will be crying are tears of joy, not sadness because I miss my mum.....

I'd do this a little differently.  Instead of using the words "the late" I'd put an asterisk by your father's name, and then near the bottom put another asterisk with the words "in loving memory" or whatever is appropriate.

Why? She is still my mum, being dead doesn't change that. What is appropriate is to add "the late" to her title.

I would absolutely do it the way you initially thought to. I think it's appropriate and people will get it. It's only inappropriate to say, 'the late' So-and-so when you're issuing an invitation. Dead people do not host events. I think you're fine to do it the way you have it worded.

It's just a matter of choice.  The wording "the late", whether on an invitation or not, just isn't very subtle.  So if you're looking for subtlety, I wouldn't use it.

I disagree -- I think "the late" in a programme is subtle. I don't think it's subtle on an invitation. I don't think this stupid Pinterest trend of empty seats or seats with roses or seats with blown-up photos or ginormous candle-laden displays of photos or any other memorials are subtle.

I think a small note in a programme is subtle. I think denoting it with an asterisk would seem to make her an afterthought. 

I don't know-some people might not find "the late" in a program to be subtle. 

I'm just telling you how I would do it-not telling you how to do it.  I agree that the "empty seat/seat with flowers/candles/photos/memorial" trend isn't subtle.