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Why I hate Visiting My Parents (Vent)

This post doesn't have much of a point other than that I need to vent! This trip home to see my parents is the first time I've been home in a year. I pretty much come up with every excuse I can throughout the year not to come home any other time of the year. The reason? My mother. She has a horrible anger problem. Depending on what mood she's in the tinniest little thing can set her off and sometimes it doesn't take anything. She can never admit she was wrong, is incapable of accepting other people's views on things, and has been making horrible comments on my weight since high school. When she gets in one of her moods she storms around the house slamming shit, snapping at everyone, and being in general the most unpleasant person to be around. It was so bad when I was growing up that just hearing someone slam a cabinet will give me anxiety and I've had full on panic attacks when she decides to visit.

This trip was actually going pretty well until today. I ran to the store with my dad and we come back and for some unknown reasons she's in another one of her moods. So of course for the rest of the night everyone in my family will just try to avoid her. I honestly can't believe I agreed to spend my whole Christmas break (3 weeks) here. I felt bad for not seeing my dad in so long but I swear this is the absolute last year I ever visit for this long again.


Re: Why I hate Visiting My Parents (Vent)

  • Ugh Beth, that really sucks :( I know you've had issues with your mom from previous posts. Does anyone else in the family say anything to her? Obviously her behavior affects everyone else.
     




  • Ugh Beth, that really sucks :( I know you've had issues with your mom from previous posts. Does anyone else in the family say anything to her? Obviously her behavior affects everyone else.
     




  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    Some people have tried to talk to her but in her mind all of her outbursts are completely justifiable. Although, I'm honestly not sure how many people have said anything to her.


  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York
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    I'm sorry - that does not sound like a pleasant way to spend your break at all. Make sure you take time for yourself as much as possible - go for a walk, read a book, offer to run errands, whatever. Just do your best to not let her ugly moods affect you too much. Good luck!
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta
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    Ugh, I'm so sorry you have to go through this over the holidays. Having a family member with mental illness (resulting in outbursts they believe to be justified) - I can commiserate. Every year I promise myself I won't come home for more than two days at Christmas.

    Can you get out of the house for a little bit? Spend some time with other family or friends? Take up some kind of project to keep yourself busy? That's what generally helps me get through the time at home.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    I usually just find something to do in my room and stay upstairs until it blows over. I think next time I visit (for a much shorter amount of time) I'm going to drive instead of fly so I have a car while I'm here.


  • Sounds like my mom. I'm sorry you're going through this.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
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    Yuck. I hope you can get away, even if only for a little while.
  • Can you leave early? Can you change your flight back and leave in less than three weeks?

    It sounds like your dad is either immune to or inured to your mother's outbursts, so he won't be surprised that you're leaving early.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    Can you leave early? Can you change your flight back and leave in less than three weeks? It sounds like your dad is either immune to or inured to your mother's outbursts, so he won't be surprised that you're leaving early.
    It's a possibility. I haven't looked into it. I think if she has more of them this week, I'll definitely look into it though. Tonight's was actually a lot shorter than usual. Usually once she gets into one of her moods it lasts all day but today it was only an hour or so.


  • phiraphira Bahstin
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    I might look into leaving early. Can you maybe use the excuse that you really miss your boyfriend? I can't remember if he's completely unavailable right now anyway (sorry!), which would make the excuse moot.

    Your mom sounds INCREDIBLY difficult. I am so sorry. The weight comments are always the worst--it's not like you're not dealing with LOSE WEIGHT every fucking day just from existing in this particular culture. UGH.
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  • I'm so sorry your Christmas break is being brought down like this. =/ My dad has a similar thing going where he's either extremely goofy or just pissed off at the world. It definitely makes it worse not to have a way to "escape," like a car or someplace else you can stay or something.

    Definitely see if going home early is a possibility, just in case. And I personally wouldn't be shy about explaining why - not to be a jerk, just to let her know. There was a time in my life where my dad's anger got the best of him to the point where I had to be like, "Look, after I graduate, you probably won't see me again until you get yourself under control. Your outbursts are hurtful and painful and I can't subject myself to them anymore. So you need to think about what that means to you for the rest of your life." It took him a few months, but he did reach out again and we had a heart-to-heart on the subject. I won't say that things are perfect, but our relationship has improved a lot and I've seen him try to be better in general with our whole family. Some people just need to feel the consequences of their actions before they can make a change.
  • So sorry to hear this, @bethsmiles. I can relate in many ways. My mom questioned every little thing I did growing up, and blackmailed me emotionally if she felt like it. Today we barely speak, and I think she knows that she can no longer control her family. I hope that one day things will change.

    I hope that your situation right now gets better. It sucks being stuck with super emotional people that you cannot please no matter what you do. Feel free to vent away here...and definitely check out your flight or amtrak options!


  • I'm sorry Beth. It sounds like it sucks a lot, but hopefully the good moments will outweigh the bad ones.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    Thanks for all the support ladies. I love that I can always come here when I need talk <3


  • That really sucks Beth.  Is your mom on any meds?  Sounds like she could use them.
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    Ugh Beth, what an awful way to spend your time off. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I wouldn't want to go home to visit, either, if my mom behaved that way. :::hugs:::



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  • Hey Beth, sorry that your mother's anger put such a damper on your holiday break.  I remember how vital those breaks were between semesters, too.  

    I may not be the best one to give advice on family issues.  While I have reconciled with my father and we are on our way to a great relationship, I barely talk to any of my relatives on my mom's side.  Too many years of not feeling supported, valued, and respected and I had enough and stopped reaching out.  I have more of a chosen family and I couldn't be happier with them!  That is an extreme response, and it is more extended family.  I think it is much harder to walk away from parents.  I liked Amapola14's advice about a boundary setting discussion.  Then, if she violates your boundaries, the consequences have been established.
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  • Beth, if it's such a toxic environment, I would try to leave early.
  • @bethsmiles - my dad is like that, only I live a few minutes away and see him at work/church.  :-\  right now he's mad at me because I didn't text often enough while he had a stomach bug this week.  *sigh*  I hope you can leave early!!
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