Invitation Wording? HELP/AYUDAME !?!

MackDavis04

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

misshart00

Please don't do this. Cut your list to 120 people.

JellyBean52513

MackDavis04 said:

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

Calmate. Two bolded points to address here:

1. You are unsure how to word the invitations because you know in your gut that there is no acceptable way to word invitations for this situation you're planning.

2. The fact that you are AWARE that you will hurt people is disturbing. Also, you are ENTIRELY able to please everybody. You can cut your entire guest list to 120--this is, only 120 people will be invited to both ceremony & reception, and ONLY those 120 will be invited. You can also find a new venue that will seat everyone you'd like to invite, and you must invite every guest to both components of your wedding.

And yes, you've come to the best board for this.

ETA: If you truly believe that your ceremony is the MOST IMPORTANT, then consider being a gracious adult and properly host all of the people who come to witness this MOST IMPORTANT event in your life by having a reception in a venue that will fit them all.

doeydo

No, don't do this.  Either cut your list for the entire wedding (ceremony and reception) to 120 (including people's significant others, of course) or find a reception new venue that can host everyone you want to invite.

jessicabessica

Find a bigger venue or cut your guest list.  You need to invite everyone to both the ceremony and the reception. 

And "some feelings may be hurt" is an understatement.  I would say this could be a friendship-ending move on your part for a lot of people.  

monkeysip

Please please don't do this.

We're NOT trying to be mean.  We're not trying to attack you or ruin your wedding.  Quite the opposite--we're trying to protect you from making a big mistake that will really hurt and alienate your guests.

Trust me, we've all been there.  We've all dealt with the problem of an endless guest list plus limited budget and space.  But being an adult means you have to make sacrifices.  

Either cut your guest list or find a new venue.  Most couples don't get the absolute venue of their dreams... but what makes it great is being there on your special day with the people you love.  Or if the venue is really that important (which is fine if it is), then cut your guest list to those who are most important.

Believe me, it's really awkward to have some guests invited only to the ceremony and an after party.  What are those people supposed to do in the meantime?  Kill time and wait around for the afterparty to start?  It's really awkward when guests are talking at the ceremony, and one guest says "Hey I wonder what's for dinner at the reception" and the other guest says, "Oh, I wasn't invited to dinner".

Or what if some people show up too early to the after-party, or the dinner runs late, and dinner is still going on and they're not allowed to eat anything.  Trust us, it's just a BAD, BAD, BAD idea.

MackDavis04

Thank You all for your advice and input. My fiancee and I very open to suggestions and what have you... Though some of the responses have taken me by surprise, and left it a tad bit uneasy to not feel attacked, when being informed that this Idea is rude and or bad. 

Yet you all are entitled to your own opinions which i do indeed need and want to hear...

I may have worded my post entirely wrong, and if so that is my fault. A change a venue will not work in my case, as I have suggested with our families, on the available options for dining to include everyone, yet have been struck down...This goes in stating " we cannot please everyone" which is a fact in any situation...IE having to cut our guest list, will not satisfy us, as many will be excluded including family and friends. 

Am I wrong in stating that the Ceremony is the most important part to witness & be apart of? I feel this way being that I feel honored when invited to weddings, as it is something so intimate & personal, that I would not feel any frustration or anger if only invited to the CEREMONY and Later Part of the reception..

Would it be better if we had no "DINNER RECEPTION" at all, and simply had a "Mock-tail" hour after the ceremony to allow for photos etc, and then have our "Partying portion" of the reception?

I suppose that what I see is a wedding in three parts:

1. Ceremony

2. Dinning 

3. After Party  (Generally grouped as one and known to be the reception)

The only thing that some would not be part of is the Dinning w/our families.

Or would it be best if none of this was stated, and we  simply sent our invitations, and invite EVERYONE all 175 to the "Reception" at a designated time?

misshart00

I agree that the ceremony is the most important part. But the reception is a thank you to those attending the ceremony. A wedding is one event and everyone should be invited to all of it.

monkeysip

A reception doesn't HAVE to include dinner.  You could have your ceremony/reception at a non-meal time (like in the afternoon or after 8pm).  Then just have cake, punch, small appetizers, etc.  

The problem is in having a dinner only for some guests.  This is called a tiered reception, and basically you're telling your guests that some are more important than others.  Honestly, I'd rather not be invited at all (people understand you can't invite everyone to your wedding) than invited to just the after-party.

The ceremony may be the most important part, BUT the reception is meant to be a thank-you to the guests for attending your ceremony.  What you're proposing is giving a better "thank-you" to some guests than others.  All guests should receive an equal "thank-you", whether that includes dinner or not.

I'm also a little confused on why you can't change venues.  Are you saying your family won't allow this?  

CrazyCatLady3

Maybe OP already signed a contract for the venue?  

You need to invite everyone to all parts of your wedding.  Switch your reception to be a cocktail/dancing reception or a buffet reception with heavy apps and desserts.  You don't have to have formal tables then but can have smaller cocktail tables, so hopefully more people can fit.  Just make sure you have a seat for every butt.

Rebl90

You get one guest list.

chibiyui

If you CAN'T change venues, and you CAN'T cut your guestlist, you need to do something like @crazycatlady3 said, change your plated dinner reception into a cake and punch / cocktail apps/dessert reception at a non meal time. You also should have the reception at a non-meal time if you are not able to serve enough apps to make up for a meal.

Best of luck to you

RebeccaB88

If you already have a signed contract for your reception site, then your guest list cannot go over 120 people...for the ENTIRE event. Period. The only other option is to forfeit your deposit for the site and find another one. Why did you book a venue that didn't have enough room for all your guests? That should have been your first consideration after budget - is it big enough for everyone? That's where you made your first mistake. The 'perfect site' isn't perfect if everyone can't be there. If your family won't 'let' you change your venue, and they're paying, then decline their money and plan and pay for your own wedding where everyone is included equally. I'm sorry you felt attacked, but the only appropriate thing is for you to include all your invited guests in the entire event. You can't find the words to do it because you know those words will be rude. Yes, the ceremony is the most important part, but the reception is out of appreciation for those who came to the reception. Your after-party is the same event as the ceremony and reception. If you don't invite the ceremony guests to the reception, you're saying that you really don't care that they attended at all and that you don't appreciate them making the effort. I know you don't feel that way.

RebeccaB88

DP

RebeccaB88

And yes, a ceremony only invite is seen as a direct insult by a lot of people I know. It is entirely possible that your friends and family will not 'understand', and it will affect your relationship with them forever...if it survives at all.

RebeccaB88

Effing DP. Again.

Viczaesar

MackDavis04 said:

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

This is an awful, awful, horrible, no good, really bad idea.  Incredibly rude.  DO NOT invite people to the ceremony and not the full reception.  It shouldn't even be an option in your mind.

Blue_Bird

There is no acceptable way to do what you want to do, so we can't help you with wording something that is rude.

There are no "three parts" of the wedding. There is the ceremony, where the couple marry, and the reception. (a.k.a. dinner) that thanks the ceremony guests. Despite the fact that it "will not satisfy" you, your only options are to cut your guest list or change venues. You're old enough to get married, so you're old enough to make adult decisions about your wedding, including paying for it if your families don't like those decisions. It is the only right thing to do.

JoanE2012

MackDavis04 said:

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

Why in the world did you book a venue that only seats 120 when your guest list is 175?  

Jen4948

If you already signed the contract/paid a deposit on your venue, you need to cut your guest list to 120 people.  There is no other option.

Otherwise, find a venue that holds 175 people.

While you're not able or required to please everyone, deliberately making an inappropriate choice while knowing that it will hurt feelings and shrugging it off with "We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone" is reprehensible.  Good hosting means taking into account the feelings of those you are inviting and not being dismissive of their needs.

monkeysip

RebeccaB88 said:

If you already have a signed contract for your reception site, then your guest list cannot go over 120 people...for the ENTIRE event. Period. The only other option is to forfeit your deposit for the site and find another one. Why did you book a venue that didn't have enough room for all your guests? That should have been your first consideration after budget - is it big enough for everyone? That's where you made your first mistake. The 'perfect site' isn't perfect if everyone can't be there. If your family won't 'let' you change your venue, and they're paying, then decline their money and plan and pay for your own wedding where everyone is included equally. I'm sorry you felt attacked, but the only appropriate thing is for you to include all your invited guests in the entire event. You can't find the words to do it because you know those words will be rude. Yes, the ceremony is the most important part, but the reception is out of appreciation for those who came to the reception. Your after-party is the same event as the ceremony and reception. If you don't invite the ceremony guests to the reception, you're saying that you really don't care that they attended at all and that you don't appreciate them making the effort. I know you don't feel that way.

For some venues, they can hold a certain amount for sit-down dinner seating, and another amount for cocktail seating.  That's why there might be two capacities.  My venue was like this .

Of course, she still needs to make sure that if she does cocktail seating that there are physically enough seats for every butt.  But just clarifying that this may not be a contractual problem.

JCbride2015

I just want to echo what PPs have said: please please please don't do this.  You MUST invite everyone to all parts of your wedding.  I know it's hard to hear, but this advice will save your relationships.  I would be so offended if I received an invitation to the ceremony and after-party, but not to dinner.  I definitely would not attend, and I might end the friendship.  You are really telling people who receive those invitations that they are less important than the guests invited to dinner.  I know that's not what you're trying to say, but that's what you're saying.

Meanwhile, if I did not get an invite?  I'd just assume you are having a smaller wedding, have budget constraints, whatever.  Unless we are absolutely best friends or you're my sister, I would not be offended to not be invited.

Just cut your guest list.  I promise, people will be less offended than if they got a tiered/ partial invite.

CMGragain

I am sorry.  There is no way to properly word an invitation for this.  What you are planning is completely rude and improper.  No excuses.
Here is how you plan a wedding:
1.  Look at the money you have and make up your total budget.
2.  Draw up a guest list of everyone you want to invite to your wedding.
3.  Find a venue that can satisfy #1 and #2.

Now go back and plan your wedding the right way.

kmmssg

You have received good advice from everyone here.  Your wedding and reception (including any dinner you serve) are ONE event, not three.  Once you invite someone to the wedding you must host them for the entire event.

artbyallie

It's just plain not okay to rank your guests. You knew from the start that this is a hurtful thing. Why would you hurt people you claim to care about?

rycbar123

Viczaesar said:

MackDavis04 said:

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

This is an awful, awful, horrible, no good, really bad idea.  Incredibly rude.  DO NOT invite people to the ceremony and not the full reception.  It shouldn't even be an option in your mind.

Viczaesar I was just talking to FI about this book the other day! It was one of my favorites as a child.

(Also, I hope thats what your intentions were, if not then just ignore this.)

Lily9911

MackDavis04 said:

I am not even certain if this is the best board to be posting on. anyhow here it goes...

My fiancee and are are set to wed June of 2014, and are over our capacity for the "reception" Our guest list is at 175ppl, in which we do not want to cut any of our guest, however the reception hall will only seat 120ppl. We have decided to invite everyone to the Ceremony which in my opinion, is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this day which we want these individuals to share w/us, as it seats 200ppl.

 The dining portion we can only seat 120ppl which will be for our family, therefor we will now have two wedding invitations one which states due to limited seating etc etc, we are unable to have everyone to join us for the dining portion of the reception; however invite those who would like to return at such and such time to join us in the "after party"... This has seemed to be the most difficult part for us, as we are unsure how to word the invitations, and we are aware this is certainly different from many wedding experiences, and want to create as little confusion/frustration as possible... 

We indeed are aware that some feelings may be hurt, and that in reality we are unable to please everyone.

I couldn't read the rest of your post after reading the first bold section. I felt like it wasn't going to end well.

If you want 175 ppl at your wedding, find a venue that seats that or cut the list. You NEVER invite people only to the ceremony. That's like saying (and Im not sure if anyone has already posted this since I havent read through the comments yet) "You're totally important to me and I want you to see me get married, but I don't want to feed you."

Lily9911

chibiyui said:

If you CAN'T change venues, and you CAN'T cut your guestlist, you need to do something like @crazycatlady3 said, change your plated dinner reception into a cake and punch / cocktail apps/dessert reception at a non meal time. You also should have the reception at a non-meal time if you are not able to serve enough apps to make up for a meal.

Best of luck to you

DH had a friend who did this. That couple just wanted a quick wedding type situation and not a big shindig at all. They didn't want to spend that much money but wanted everyone invited. So cake and punch it was. It wasn't personally a wedding my DH at the time wanted to really go to, but now in hindsight we can see why they did that. Perhaps if he was the age he's at now he would have appreciated it more. He was just looking to get drunk basically. 

CrazyCatLady3

monkeysip said:

RebeccaB88 said:

If you already have a signed contract for your reception site, then your guest list cannot go over 120 people...for the ENTIRE event. Period. The only other option is to forfeit your deposit for the site and find another one. Why did you book a venue that didn't have enough room for all your guests? That should have been your first consideration after budget - is it big enough for everyone? That's where you made your first mistake. The 'perfect site' isn't perfect if everyone can't be there. If your family won't 'let' you change your venue, and they're paying, then decline their money and plan and pay for your own wedding where everyone is included equally. I'm sorry you felt attacked, but the only appropriate thing is for you to include all your invited guests in the entire event. You can't find the words to do it because you know those words will be rude. Yes, the ceremony is the most important part, but the reception is out of appreciation for those who came to the reception. Your after-party is the same event as the ceremony and reception. If you don't invite the ceremony guests to the reception, you're saying that you really don't care that they attended at all and that you don't appreciate them making the effort. I know you don't feel that way.

For some venues, they can hold a certain amount for sit-down dinner seating, and another amount for cocktail seating.  That's why there might be two capacities.  My venue was like this .

Of course, she still needs to make sure that if she does cocktail seating that there are physically enough seats for every butt.  But just clarifying that this may not be a contractual problem.

This.  My venue holds 85 for sit down dinner reception w/ dance floor or 150 for a cocktail reception.  If she switches to a cocktail reception she should probably be able to keep the venue.  If she serves enough heavy apps to constitute a meal she also won't have to change the timing.

Inkdancer

Okay, hypothetical situation:

You go to a friend's house. As people walk in, they are given a red plate or a blue plate. The people with red plates can eat and drink whatever they want, as much as they want. The people with blue plates can only have appetizers and water.

If you had a blue plate, you would be really hurt, yeah? That's what you're doing when you invite people to one part of your wedding but not another. You are essentially saying "Yeah, I like you and all, but not as much as these other people." Whether you invite them to just the ceremony or just the reception, you're excluding them from part of the celebration of your marriage.

Please find a way to fit everyone into your space, or cut your guest list.

NYCMercedes

Re: Invitation Wording? HELP/AYUDAME !?!....What does ayudame signify?