NWR Rant - Did she really just do that???

princessleia22

Edited to include warning: I'm sorry about the length of my post.  I tend to write a lot when I get hyped up & frustrated.

I am generally thankful that both FI and I have relatively non-existent family drama.  We both like each others family.  Wedding planning has gone very smoothly without ANY real problems or complaints.  Which is good since we both have VERY low tolerance for drama or drama queens.  The one glitch in my family drama is my cousin. She is as over-dramatic and fake as they come.  She is a chronic liar, over-exaggerates everything, and always has to be the center of attention.  She always has dramatic health issues (her cancer was miraculously cured in a couple weeks with no invasive treatments!). She likes to play herself off as super mom (not even close).  Lies about college degrees and careers she doesn't have (I'm sorry, a 2 week online class does not get you a bachelors or masters degree).  You can never believe anything she says and you usually have to pick everything she says apart in search of the grain of truth that might be buried there.

Most of my family lives out of state, except for a few family members that live near me, including this cousin & her mom.  So, we usually get together with my local family for Christmas.  So, we got together this year for dinner.  We didn't really expect any gifts because most of my family out here is retired, on social security, and struggle just to pay their bills.  I only brought some baked goods for everyone, too, so I didn't really bring any gifts either.  Anyway, apparently after the get together, my cousin tells my aunt that I was really disappointed that she didn't buy me anything.  My aunt was so upset that she sent me a message saying that she was really sorry to disappoint me and she will buy me something in the morning.  She also called my mom crying because she was so hurt by it and she really can't afford anything right now.  Seriously??!! I didn't even talk to my cousin after the get-together and certainly am not upset about not getting a gift.  I know my aunt is struggling financially and would rather she keep her money.  For the past couple years I've even been trying to convince my parents not to buy us christmas presents anymore.  We are even requesting no gifts from anyone for our wedding!  So, after my mom talked to my aunt, she called me and was very upset that anyone would accuse me of saying that, who she knows to be a very giving person and would never be upset about not getting a gift.  And now I am so pissed off at my cousin about this.  I've never been close to her and haven't particularly liked her, but I had no problem tolerating her for the family get-togethers once or twice a year.  Now, I honestly am debating boycotting any future family events, except I know that it would hurt my aunt & rest of the family. And my FI is so pissed about it that I really don't think I will ever be able to drag him to another family event with her there again. I've also already invited all of them to attend my wedding.  I debated uninviting her, but I know that would be beyond rude and create even more drama.  And I don't believe rudeness is the correct response to rudeness. We seriously debated not inviting her in the first place, but decided it would be rude not to include her since she is part of the few family members that live near me and I was inviting everyone else. It's just a few hours and we don't need to even talk to her, so might as well let her come. Plus, I think my aunt is relying on my cousin for transportation to the wedding (wedding is out of town), so I'd hate to make ruin the chances for my aunt to attend if she wants to.  But, I can't believe that she would do something like that (well, with her I can almost believe it). Even to tell her mom that she was disappointed that she didn't get a gift is really bad, but then she had to drag me into it too just pisses me off beyond belief.  I don't know if there is really any way to cut her out without hurting others, or if I just need to suck it up and tolerate her... or I am very tempted to just call her up and tell her off for being such a rude & needy b%^$*.  I usually push anybody with constant drama out of my life, but its tough to do with family.

Okay, I feel a little better after venting, but not much.

monkeysip

Wow---what a crazy B****

Did you talk to your aunt about this?  Reassure her that there's no way you'd ever expect a gift and were just glad to see her?

Sorry your crazy cousin put you in such a mess.  You're right that you can't uninvite her, and I wouldn't necessarily avoid all future family events, but definitely steer clear of her.  It sounds like at least your parents understand that this girl's a liar.  Hopefully more family will catch on.

Inkdancer

Holy wall-o-text, Batman!

I feel you on wacky family issues but I could not finish reading your post.

kmmssg

Take your wedding out of this and confront her about the lie she told her mother.  Even better if you can do it in front of your aunt.

You will give her an entire lifetime's worth of ammo if you don't invite her to the wedding.  Do you realize how many different ways she can spin that?  Confront her on the issue and keep the wedding out of it.

HisGirlFriday13

Can you just ignore her at family events? Go, but not engage?

D&'s grandmother is a drama queen and LOVES to cause problems. When I am forced to talk to her, which I generally avoid, we have conversations that go like this:

Her: I want you to have a blessing ceremony in my church.
Me: I'm reading this really fascinating book about the history of the periodic table.
Her: Your wedding won't be real unless my minister blesses it.
Me: Did you know gallium has a melting point of 84°F?
Her: You're Catholic so it's not real.

And so on. I started doing this after bean - dipping didn't work. DH laughs as it happens, because we both know there's nothing we can do to stop her, but this tends to at least derail her.

ETA: Fix typo.

banana468

I'd call your cousin. Say, "Hey, there's this awful rumor going around and I just wanted to talk to you about it. "

She gets away with this stuff because she can. You don't need to fight fire with fire. Some simple baking soda may be all you need.

Amyzen83

OMG! That would piss me off too, and I wouldn't want someone like that at my wedding either! However you already invited her and she would only make things worse on all of you if you suddenly resended her invite. And as for this quote
"And anything they would get would probably be cheap crap that I'd throw away or give to Goodwill anyway"
I agree it sounds ungrateful, but I get what you are trying to say that you'd rather get meaningful gifts or none at all, especially if there's a risk of your family going into debt over it.

Anyway back to the original topic, I suggest having this conversation with your cousin in front of other family members so they can see her true colors. Like on PP said.

TheGrimReaper

I'm with alison. I couldn't get through the rest after seeing you say that what your family that struggle financially bought you was "cheap crap you'd throw away."

princessleia22

As much as I don't want her at the wedding, especially after this, I have no intention to revoke her invite.  Like I said, I don't think rudeness isn't the best way to battle rudeness. And I certainly don't need to give her more drama ammo or create bigger rifts in the family. And I feel that confronting her will just create more drama and hard feelings, which is not wanted.

I've already cleared it up with my aunt and told her I never said any such thing, never expected a gift to begin with, I'm not at all disappointed with her, and please do not run out to buy me a gift because of this. So, I think things are okay there now.

I'll probably just continue to avoid my cousin as much as possible and just see her at family events once or twice a year.  I've already done that for years just to avoid her drama, even though she has made attempts to get together to hang out at other times, so I'll just continue but probably keep my distance from her even more at these events now.  Although now, I'll probably have to go solo and leave FI at home in the future, because even if I did manage to drag him there, I don't think he could bite his tongue and be nice around her after this one.

banana468

TheGrimReaper said:

I'm with alison. I couldn't get through the rest after seeing you say that what your family that struggle financially bought you was "cheap crap you'd throw away."

Why can't she say this? I have people in my life that are terrible gift givers who give cheap things that often get donated or tossed. As long as the giver is thanked, why is the OP not allowed to be honest? Are BIG and SIL really supposed to use the dollar store prints that MIL gave as a Christmas gift and should SIL really keep the FIVE fly swatters just 'cause?

Come on now. In the privacy of our home we've had the "we know it's the thought that counts but WTF were you thinking? " discussion. I find it hard to believe that each of you loves and uses each and every gift that you received.

TheGrimReaper

@banana468 - I suppose it's, in my mind, very impolite to insult a gift from someone who spent money that they had to struggle to pull together. To each their own. To me, there's a very large difference between "They are always kind enough to buy me gifts, unfortunately none are usually my taste and generally end up getting donated" and "They just end up buying me cheap crap I throw away."

ETA: It's in the delivery. No, I haven't loved every gift I've ever gotten. But I've never gone to others and told them about the 'crappy gift' my cousin got me. 

princessleia22

alisonmarie658 said:

 

I am having a very hard time getting past the highlighted comment because it's just plain awful.

Yes, your cousin was wrong to stir up family drama. But if you cleared things up with your aunt, then I would just let it go and make a point to avoid the cousin in the future.

Okay, I've edited my original post to omit my "ungrateful" comment that people couldn't get past., but I feel I should respond to it also. 

I'm sorry, but if you can't afford to buy your prescription medications, please don't spend your money buying me things from the dollar store that I don't need nor do I have any use for.  I know its the thought that counts, and I definitely appreciate the thought behind it, but I'd rather not get anything.  Most often these gifts I'm referring to end up being dollar store lotions or candles, most of which I am allergic to the fragrances, so yes, I usually end up having to give them away or throw them out (and yes I've told them about the allergy, but they forget and still buy me the same stuff).  Sorry if that sounds ungrateful or snooty... maybe I just stated it in an inappropriate way in my original post and I apologize for that.  And I'm sure some of that is coming from my current anger at my cousin.  I am always grateful for the intent and I thank the gift giver, whether its a $1 gift or a $100 gift, so I'm not rude about it.  I just really wish they wouldn't bother, especially when I know it's stuff I can't/won't use and I know they really need the money... just the time spent together is enough for me.

 

melbelleup

banana468 said:

I'm with alison. I couldn't get through the rest after seeing you say that what your family that struggle financially bought you was "cheap crap you'd throw away."

Why can't she say this? I have people in my life that are terrible gift givers who give cheap things that often get donated or tossed. As long as the giver is thanked, why is the OP not allowed to be honest? Are BIG and SIL really supposed to use the dollar store prints that MIL gave as a Christmas gift and should SIL really keep the FIVE fly swatters just 'cause? Come on now. In the privacy of our home we've had the "we know it's the thought that counts but WTF were you thinking? " discussion. I find it hard to believe that each of you loves and uses each and every gift that you received.

Completely agree. I thank them, take it home, then trash what I won't use.

TheGrimReaper

nicoann said:

alisonmarie658 said:

 

I am having a very hard time getting past the highlighted comment because it's just plain awful.

Yes, your cousin was wrong to stir up family drama. But if you cleared things up with your aunt, then I would just let it go and make a point to avoid the cousin in the future.

Okay, I've edited my original post to omit my "ungrateful" comment that people couldn't get past., but I feel I should respond to it also. 

I'm sorry, but if you can't afford to buy your prescription medications, please don't spend your money buying me things from the dollar store that I don't need nor do I have any use for.  I know its the thought that counts, and I definitely appreciate the thought behind it, but I'd rather not get anything.  Most often these gifts I'm referring to end up being dollar store lotions or candles, most of which I am allergic to the fragrances, so yes, I usually end up having to give them away or throw them out (and yes I've told them about the allergy, but they forget and still buy me the same stuff).  Sorry if that sounds ungrateful or snooty... maybe I just stated it in an inappropriate way in my original post and I apologize for that.  And I'm sure some of that is coming from my current anger at my cousin.  I am always grateful for the intent and I thank the gift giver, whether its a $1 gift or a $100 gift, so I'm not rude about it.  I just really wish they wouldn't bother, especially when I know it's stuff I can't/won't use and I know they really need the money... just the time spent together is enough for me.

 

I think that's all it was; because you're frustrated with the cousin.