Wedding Etiquette Forum

in need of orientation

I have lurked the etiquette boards for a while and I feel completely lost. I am from Puerto Rico and it seems things get done a little differently around here. Here it is the norm that family pays for the wedding. We have already begun planning in order for us to pay for our own wedding completely. Both our families have mentioned before about contributing to the wedding. In order to set the final budget we need to know who is contributing and how much but it certainly is a very awkward conversation because you don't just ask people for money, especially in these times. so help on how to address this.
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My other question is in general, what are things that etiquette should be maintained at all times and what are the rules? 
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I feel like I need a complete orientation in this matter


Re: in need of orientation

  • I would recommend taking a look at www.emilypost.com for more details about proper etiquette it will at lesat give you a starting tool, or maybe view the FAQ post on this thread.

    In regards to speaking with your parents about what they are wanting to gift to you in terms on money for your budget, it would be best that you address your parents and he address his something like "You mentioned you wanted to help financially with the wedding and now that we are in the throws of planning we were wondering if you were still wanting/able to do this for us so we can set ourselves a proper budget to follow in accordance to our own finances." It's not rude to ask more specific questions on this matter if they have already expressed to you that they want to help financially with the wedding. Good Luck and happy planning!

  • Set your budget with what YOU can afford. If someone comes forward, you can certainly take their help, but don't count on any money until a check has been deposited into your bank account. So many people plan on money from family and come here freaking out when they put down deposits but can't afford the balance because the help didn't come through. 
  • @MrsDeRuyter87

    thanks! Will be checking the site asap! and I like the way you expressed the conversation could go. 


  • Since people have offered to contribute, I would just be straightforward and ask them if their offer is still good and if so how much they were planning to contribute. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Put your guests first.

    That's really what etiquette is about. As long as your guests are comfortable and happy, that's what matters.

    Lurking around here will help you massively. I felt the same when I first came across this board, but after lurking for a while, I'm really starting to understand it.
    I actually made a checklist of all the things I've learned from lurking here that several people said was quite good... I'll put a link in a second.

    The one thing I will warn about - apparently Emily Post is not such a reliable source of etiquette since the lady herself passed, and the people who took on her name sold out to the industry. Better frame of reference is Miss Manners, or so I'm led to believe from other posts on here.

    Good luck :)
  • MrsDeRuyter87's suggestion on how to start this conversation with your parents. Since they already offered, it is not rude to ask for an amount.

    However, do not budget one cent of that money until they have given it to you. As kind as your parents may be, if there is an emergency (God forbid!) they may need the money they have promised you. You wouldn't want to end up in a bind because you'd spend thousands of dollars that you don't have. Now, if they agree to pay for the caterer or photographer, and they sign that contract, feel free to spend your money elsewhere. But if your parents are going to give the money directly to you, don't spend it until you have it.
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  • MrsDeRuyter87MrsDeRuyter87 member
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    edited December 2013
    Inkdancer said:
    MrsDeRuyter87's suggestion on how to start this conversation with your parents. Since they already offered, it is not rude to ask for an amount.

    However, do not budget one cent of that money until they have given it to you. As kind as your parents may be, if there is an emergency (God forbid!) they may need the money they have promised you. You wouldn't want to end up in a bind because you'd spend thousands of dollars that you don't have. Now, if they agree to pay for the caterer or photographer, and they sign that contract, feel free to spend your money elsewhere. But if your parents are going to give the money directly to you, don't spend it until you have it.

    I agree with you completely! I did not actually book my vendors until I had the check in my hand.

     

    ETA: clarification

  • Thanks ladies! Will definitely keep on lurking around here and thank god our max budget is under what we have saved so we wont go over that. FI and I have talked about and we would accept the money toward a certain thing and if we book under budget we'd give them the remaining money. 

    I think as soon as we finalize the guest list draft and have 2 venues to decide from we'll finalize the budget (whether we want 10 or 15) and then begin to ask if the offers still stand. 

    Thank you so much! I will be checking out all the links provided!


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