Wedding Etiquette Forum

Delicate Situation w/ Inlaws and Bridesmaid - advice needed

LDay2014LDay2014 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited December 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Okay this may take moment to lay out the details so bear with me.  I need some advice on how to handle this.

My FI and his sister have never been close, and the relationship with his mom has always been strained (just oil and water) but his sister and his mom get along like best friends.  When we got engaged, they gave him the third degree about the decision, alluding to him deserving more, me being a gold digger etc despite him telling them how he feels about me and how great we are together.  They have always held only surface conversations with me - never getting deeper than 'how's the weather'.  That being said, family is very important to me and I thought it would be a nice gesture to include his sister in the wedding as a bridesmaid (just her and my best friend as the MOH) and FI was all for it - he thought it was a really nice idea.  We had a few glitches with his parents after the engagement and it all culminated in a big conversation we had with them a few weeks ago where we sat down with his parents and for the last and final time justified our relationship to them. So, we thought everything was fine and dandy.

About two months ago, I had talked to his sister and his mom about going BM dress shopping on January 4 - my mom and MOH would come up and meet with them plus my two daughters and I (6 people), and we could all go out for lunch together (since it's my birthday too) and have a girl day getting to know each other.  I watched as it was marked on the calendar and we even discussed it last week at christmas.  Fast forward to last night when I messaged everyone to let them know that we had the appointment confirmed for 2pm and to see if anyone had ideas on where they'd like to go for lunch.  I got a message back from my FI mom on Facebook asking me to change the date because she wants to go shovel snow at the cottage that day because it will be the warmest of the week...now, keep in mind that FMIL and FFIL are both retired (and my FI has been off for the past two weeks and they have 'tenatively' scheduled to go up with him twice in the last week but cancelled) so they can do this any day.  My response that I sent to his mom was 'No I can't...if you can't make it that's okay. I already have everything arranged for that day and have my mom and MOH coming up from Newmarket to have lunch for my birthday too. If FSIL can come, great, if she can't that's okay.'  She then tells me that FSIL is going with them (even though she is not physically able to shovel snow off the roof) to help and sorry for the inconvenience.  

I told this to FI and he lost his shit, threatening to cancel the whole wedding because it's just too much bullshit and drama.  He called his mom, had some not so nice words about the whole situation - it was for my birthday, a nice way to get everyone together and introduced, and included...not to mention it had been on the calendar for months.  He told her that unless she hears otherwise from us, the wedding is off. I have since talked him down off the ledge and we have decided not to cancel but rather that to avoid any more drama it would be best to tell his family that from this point forward they will not be asked to do anything wedding related.  They will receive their invitations and are more then welcome to attend but that they are no longer going to need to participate in any of it.  This includes his sister, we feel it best that she not be a bridesmaid at this point.  How would you ladies approach/word this conversation?

Secondly, my brother is acting as a groomsman and now my side is uneven...his girlfriend (who has been around for years) would be my first choice to step in and I want to know if/how I can approach her without her feeling 'second'?

ETA: FSIL is 30, and has not said anything.  She has her mom make all the arrangements on her behalf because they are 'that' close.
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Re: Delicate Situation w/ Inlaws and Bridesmaid - advice needed

  • You can't kick his sister out of the WP without risking your and his relationship with her, now and down the road.

    All his sister has to do is buy the dress that you pick, as long as its within the budget she provided, and show up sober to your wedding. This means sending her the BM dress you and your MOH pick out when you go. She's known of the date for a long time and has decided to take herself out of the picking process. You email or call her explaining that you heard she can't make it and if that's true is there anything she'd like for you to take into account while choosing the BM dress. Other than that don't talk wedding with FMIL or FSIL.

    Also you don't need to have even sides. There are a lot of brides on here that had that and don't regret it. If having your brother's gf in the WP was really important then you should have asked her when you asked everyone else. It'll be really hard to word to conversation so she doesn't feel like a replacement.
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  • Belthil said:
    You can't kick his sister out of the WP without risking your and his relationship with her, now and down the road.

    All his sister has to do is buy the dress that you pick, as long as its within the budget she provided, and show up sober to your wedding. This means sending her the BM dress you and your MOH pick out when you go. She's known of the date for a long time and has decided to take herself out of the picking process. You email or call her explaining that you heard she can't make it and if that's true is there anything she'd like for you to take into account while choosing the BM dress. Other than that don't talk wedding with FMIL or FSIL.

    Also you don't need to have even sides. There are a lot of brides on here that had that and don't regret it. If having your brother's gf in the WP was really important then you should have asked her when you asked everyone else. It'll be really hard to word to conversation so she doesn't feel like a replacement.
    There wasn't much of a relationship to start with.  This was a way to include her in the wedding and make gesture to help 'mend fences'.  

    I also come to find out today that her budget is now effectively $0...
  • lyndausvi said:

    your FI was going to cancel the whole wedding because his mom decided to shovel snow instead of dress shopping?  Holy overreaction.  Geez.


    Stop including them.  No needs for some major announcement. Send FSIL the information on the dress you pick out.  If she gets the dress fine, if she doesn't.  Oh well.   Go in not expecting anything out of her. If she steps up to the plate, great.  If she doesn't don't let it get to you and move. You can't control them, but you can lower you expectations and how you react to their craziness.
    And that. Why did he freak out so much? To the point of canceling the wedding?
  • he's occasionally a bit of a drama queen...he's fine, just his knee-jerk dramatic reaction.  His equivalent of a vent - and honestly, that really isn't the issue here.  


  • If her budget is $0, give her a swatch of the color and say she can wear any dress of that color. then it is on her. if she doesn't get a dress, she can attend as a guest.
    image



    Anniversary
  • Kicking them out of the wedding is a knee-jerk reaction.   Canceling the entire wedding over his mom's behavior is a whole other thing.     Mom missing dress shopping should never = we are not having a wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I am more concerned about your FI's overreaction that the wedding drama with your FILS.  That is a really odd thing to do - cancel the wedding over a dress fuss.  I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss the future.  Maybe marriage isn't a good idea right now.
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  • Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  

    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
  • No need for major announcement.  Just send them an invite when the time comes.

    He already told them it's off unless they hear otherwise. That will be the otherwise.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • LDay2014 said:

    Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  


    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
    Um, we have responded to what you asked. Why haven't you commented on those?
  • Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  

    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
    Um, we have responded to what you asked. Why haven't you commented on those?
    I appreciate those comments, and thank you for your input but my first and foremost reaction is to defend my FI when he is taking a bad wrap.


  • LDay2014 said:
    Okay this may take moment to lay out the details so bear with me.  I need some advice on how to handle this.

    My FI and his sister have never been close, and the relationship with his mom has always been strained (just oil and water) but his sister and his mom get along like best friends.  When we got engaged, they gave him the third degree about the decision, alluding to him deserving more, me being a gold digger etc despite him telling them how he feels about me and how great we are together.  They have always held only surface conversations with me - never getting deeper than 'how's the weather'.  That being said, family is very important to me and I thought it would be a nice gesture to include his sister in the wedding as a bridesmaid (just her and my best friend as the MOH) and FI was all for it - he thought it was a really nice idea.  We had a few glitches with his parents after the engagement and it all culminated in a big conversation we had with them a few weeks ago where we sat down with his parents and for the last and final time justified our relationship to them. So, we thought everything was fine and dandy.

    About two months ago, I had talked to his sister and his mom about going BM dress shopping on January 4 - my mom and MOH would come up and meet with them plus my two daughters and I (6 people), and we could all go out for lunch together (since it's my birthday too) and have a girl day getting to know each other.  I watched as it was marked on the calendar and we even discussed it last week at christmas.  Fast forward to last night when I messaged everyone to let them know that we had the appointment confirmed for 2pm and to see if anyone had ideas on where they'd like to go for lunch.  I got a message back from my FI mom on Facebook asking me to change the date because she wants to go shovel snow at the cottage that day because it will be the warmest of the week...now, keep in mind that FMIL and FFIL are both retired (and my FI has been off for the past two weeks and they have 'tenatively' scheduled to go up with him twice in the last week but cancelled) so they can do this any day.  My response that I sent to his mom was 'No I can't...if you can't make it that's okay. I already have everything arranged for that day and have my mom and MOH coming up from Newmarket to have lunch for my birthday too. If FSIL can come, great, if she can't that's okay.'  She then tells me that FSIL is going with them (even though she is not physically able to shovel snow off the roof) to help and sorry for the inconvenience.  

    I told this to FI and he lost his shit, threatening to cancel the whole wedding because it's just too much bullshit and drama.  He called his mom, had some not so nice words about the whole situation - it was for my birthday, a nice way to get everyone together and introduced, and included...not to mention it had been on the calendar for months.  He told her that unless she hears otherwise from us, the wedding is off. I have since talked him down off the ledge and we have decided not to cancel but rather that to avoid any more drama it would be best to tell his family that from this point forward they will not be asked to do anything wedding related.  They will receive their invitations and are more then welcome to attend but that they are no longer going to need to participate in any of it.  This includes his sister, we feel it best that she not be a bridesmaid at this point.  How would you ladies approach/word this conversation?

    Secondly, my brother is acting as a groomsman and now my side is uneven...his girlfriend (who has been around for years) would be my first choice to step in and I want to know if/how I can approach her without her feeling 'second'?

    ETA: FSIL is 30, and has not said anything.  She has her mom make all the arrangements on her behalf because they are 'that' close.
    I don't understand why your FI flipped out.  They cancelled on a shopping expedition.  Why the big drama?



  • I would go shopping as planned. Send your FSIL the details on the dress you guys pick out. If she gets it, great, if she doesn't, oh well.

    I would avoid any big talks about the wedding, and any little ones too. I would avoid the subject entirely. They'll come to terms with things eventually. Don't play into any of their drama. Good luck!
  • Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  

    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
    You posted on a public forum. You will therefore get answers to questions you didn't ask. That's the nature of the internet. We DID answer your relevant question. We then proffered adevice that you clearly don't want to hear, but maybe you need to. Look, we all know wedding planning brings out the worst in people (I had to call the district attorney and call in a favour after a particularly dumb-ass stunt DH's father pulled), but your FI's 'blowing off steam reaction' should have been yo say to his parents, 'Fuck you, and fuck the horse you rode in on, you're no longer invited to our wedding, have a nice life!' Not, 'That's it, you get what you want, I won't marry her!' His pissed-off reaction should have been to have your back. It wasn't. That's worrisome. And, before you jump down my throat, I had an eerily similar conversation today IRL with a friend who is having BF issues. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this because it's worrisome.
    This is I think where the confusion comes in.  He wants to marry me...he just doesn't want the drama that seems to come with the wedding.  We discussed eloping because he WANTS TO MARRY ME.

    Yes I understand this is a public forum and posted on the etiquette board for a reason - because it is full of women with great advice on etiquette.  

    I'm not going to defend him any more as the issue is not whether or not he wants to marry me.  It's how we can best approach the situation together in regards to his sister.
  • We get that your defending him. I'm going to ask again, why aren't you responding to the other advice? You still haven't.
  • LDay2014 said:
    Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  

    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
    You posted on a public forum. You will therefore get answers to questions you didn't ask. That's the nature of the internet. We DID answer your relevant question. We then proffered adevice that you clearly don't want to hear, but maybe you need to. Look, we all know wedding planning brings out the worst in people (I had to call the district attorney and call in a favour after a particularly dumb-ass stunt DH's father pulled), but your FI's 'blowing off steam reaction' should have been yo say to his parents, 'Fuck you, and fuck the horse you rode in on, you're no longer invited to our wedding, have a nice life!' Not, 'That's it, you get what you want, I won't marry her!' His pissed-off reaction should have been to have your back. It wasn't. That's worrisome. And, before you jump down my throat, I had an eerily similar conversation today IRL with a friend who is having BF issues. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this because it's worrisome.
    This is I think where the confusion comes in.  He wants to marry me...he just doesn't want the drama that seems to come with the wedding.  We discussed eloping because he WANTS TO MARRY ME.

    Yes I understand this is a public forum and posted on the etiquette board for a reason - because it is full of women with great advice on etiquette.  

    I'm not going to defend him any more as the issue is not whether or not he wants to marry me.  It's how we can best approach the situation together in regards to his sister.
    What situation?  It's a dress shopping trip that she's missing, not the wedding itself.  It's really not a big deal and certainly not a situation that needs to be dealt with.  You most certainly should not kick her out of the wedding over it.



  • as I said, i appreciate the feedback and as the relevant responses come in, I am discussing with FI what he thinks and what his opinions are.


  • LDay2014 said:
    Ladies...I'm going to ask that you stop harping on FI - he overreacted, he knows that.  He was fine 15 minutes later...he just had to blow off steam.  

    His reaction all stems from his relationship with his family and having to justify who we are to each other constantly over the past two years.  There's a lot of tension, and a lot of drama there.  He has no doubt he wants to marry me, but as we all know weddings bring out the best in family dynamics.  

    Can we please let it go and move on with what i actually requested?
    Um, we have responded to what you asked. Why haven't you commented on those?
    I appreciate those comments, and thank you for your input but my first and foremost reaction is to defend my FI when he is taking a bad wrap.


    He's getting a bad wrap because he acted like a crazy person, and he definitely didn't defend you in any way- His mom decides not to go dress shopping and his response is to cancel his marriage to you? Um, ok.

    I don't see the need to kick his family out of the wedding just because they don't want to go to a dress shopping appointment either.  When is your wedding?  Theoretically there is time for them to go out on their own and get their dresses right?  Not everything has to be a big group kumbaya moment.

    It sounds like his mother and sister just don't care for you, and as cold as they have been to you, you have tried to be kind to them by including them, which is a nice and mature gesture.  I would not reverse on that now and kick them out of your WP.  Le t them do that on their own so that you don't cause any more family drama and you come out the bigger person.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • There is far more to it than missing the dress shopping.  Maybe I didn't relay that well enough in the original post, but there is 25 years worth of drama that we are dealing with here.  Our asking her to be in the wedding was an attempt at mending fences which seems to have gone completely awry.

    the dress shopping drama is more or less a symptom of the entire family dynamic
  • AddieL73 said:
    I'd hate to see how he reacts to an ACTUAL problem with the wedding. Does he always overreact to things like this?
    That's why the wedding planning up to me :).  He gives me his input but leaves the planning up to me.  Yes, he has a flair for the dramatic.
  • You could just not invite any of them to the wedding.
  • You could just not invite any of them to the wedding.
    we are considering that...but are concerned this would make it even worse.
  • Do you not see the problem with them not liking you and thinking you are a gold digger, them canceling last minute and your FI's response is cancel the wedding? The wedding they actually don't seem to want to see happen?   I get knee-jerk reactions, but this is a little strange reaction and actually plays into their wants.

    Even if he did have that reaction, why tell them he is canceling the wedding?  That seems to be what they want and he is feeding their drama.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:
    Do you not see the problem with them not liking you and thinking you are a gold digger, them canceling last minute and your FI's response is cancel the wedding? The wedding they actually don't seem to want to see happen?   I get knee-jerk reactions, but this is a little strange reaction and actually plays into their wants.

    Even if he did have that reaction, why tell them he is canceling the wedding?  That seems to be what they want and he is feeding their drama.   
    Yes, I do get that.  And so does he.  If necessary, we will not have contact with them until the wedding and just send them an invitation.  But I feel it at least deserves a conversation before the outright cut off of contact
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