Wedding Etiquette Forum

Delicate Situation w/ Inlaws and Bridesmaid - advice needed

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Re: Delicate Situation w/ Inlaws and Bridesmaid - advice needed

  • edited January 2014
    LDay2014 said:
    There is far more to it than missing the dress shopping.  Maybe I didn't relay that well enough in the original post, but there is 25 years worth of drama that we are dealing with here.  Then you FI should go to a counselor to resolve his issues with his family and their dynamics, not threaten to cancel the wedding.  Or if he just can't deal with it, then eloping as  you mentioned earlier might be best.  Our asking her to be in the wedding was an attempt at mending fences which seems to have gone completely awry.  Declining to go dress shopping in a group doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Your efforts haven't necessarily gone awry.  Or his mom and sister just might not be interested or receptive to having a relationship with you guys. 

    the dress shopping drama is more or less a symptom of the entire family dynamic  Again, counseling would be helpful here, especially one who specializes in family systems theory, because the wedding is just one day in your life together with your FI and his family. . . you both need healthy ways to handle interactions with his family for the rest of your lives going forward.
    ETA:  Since you missed or ignored my previous post:
    I don't see the need to kick his family out of the wedding just because they don't want to go to a dress shopping appointment either.  When is your wedding?  Theoretically there is time for them to go out on their own and get their dresses right?  Not everything has to be a big group kumbaya moment.

    It sounds like his mother and sister just don't care for you, and as cold as they have been to you, you have tried to be kind to them by including them, which is a nice and mature gesture.  I would not reverse on that now and kick them out of your WP.  Let them do that on their own so that you don't cause any more family drama and you come out the bigger person.

    Good luck with this family, they sound like they are a mess.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • LDay2014 said:
    There is far more to it than missing the dress shopping.  Maybe I didn't relay that well enough in the original post, but there is 25 years worth of drama that we are dealing with here.  Then you FI should go to a counselor to resolve his issues with his family and their dynamics, not threaten to cancel the wedding.  Or if he just can't deal with it, then eloping as  you mentioned earlier might be best.  Our asking her to be in the wedding was an attempt at mending fences which seems to have gone completely awry.  Declining to go dress shopping in a group doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Your efforts haven't necessarily gone awry.  Or his mom and sister just might not be interested or receptive to having a relationship with you guys. 

    the dress shopping drama is more or less a symptom of the entire family dynamic  Again, counseling would be helpful here, especially one who specializes in family systems theory, because the wedding is just one day in your life together with your FI and his family. . . you both need healthy ways to handle interactions with his family for the rest of your lives going forward.

    a great idea in theory...ever try to herd cats?  That's what it would be like to get everyone to agree to counselling.  He has come leaps an bounds in dealing with them and working on appropriate boundaries (ie, they are not allowed to ask us about our sex life!).  He has gone to counselling on his own and is learning, but no one is perfect.
  • phira said:
    I think you need to stop thinking about asking your future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid as a way to mend fences. That's a really subtle form of loan sharking, where you offer something to her that she did not ask you for, and expect something (a better relationship) in return. You're supposed to ask people to stand up with you because you want them to stand up with you, not as an olive branch.

    My point here isn't that you made a terrible mistake, but that you need to stop framing the situation like you've been framing it. Yes, we get it--your fiance's family doesn't approve of your relationship. So don't reward them for it. Deal with them neutrally--don't throw your future sister-in-law out of the wedding party, but don't extend more olive branches.
    Thank you, that's an interesting perspective.  I hadn't thought of it from that angle.
  • LDay2014 said:
    LDay2014 said:
    There is far more to it than missing the dress shopping.  Maybe I didn't relay that well enough in the original post, but there is 25 years worth of drama that we are dealing with here.  Then you FI should go to a counselor to resolve his issues with his family and their dynamics, not threaten to cancel the wedding.  Or if he just can't deal with it, then eloping as  you mentioned earlier might be best.  Our asking her to be in the wedding was an attempt at mending fences which seems to have gone completely awry.  Declining to go dress shopping in a group doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Your efforts haven't necessarily gone awry.  Or his mom and sister just might not be interested or receptive to having a relationship with you guys. 

    the dress shopping drama is more or less a symptom of the entire family dynamic  Again, counseling would be helpful here, especially one who specializes in family systems theory, because the wedding is just one day in your life together with your FI and his family. . . you both need healthy ways to handle interactions with his family for the rest of your lives going forward.

    a great idea in theory...ever try to herd cats?  That's what it would be like to get everyone to agree to counselling.  He has come leaps an bounds in dealing with them and working on appropriate boundaries (ie, they are not allowed to ask us about our sex life!).  He has gone to counselling on his own and is learning, but no one is perfect.
    That's great! 

    I meant for you and he to go to counseling, not his family.  You guys need the tools to deal with them, regardless of whether or not they try to change their own behavior. . . which they likely won't.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but I took your FI's comment as "you will no longer be invited to the wedding because we are going to elope instead of inviting guests to our wedding if this craziness continues". Perhaps still a dramatic response but I took it as him still wanting to marry you but just canceling the big she-bang about it all.

    My advice is to kill them with kindness. It will be hard. You will have to bite your tongue. You will have to learn how to meditate and block BSC out. But I implore you both to NOT kick the sister out of the WP. You will look like the bad guy. "Op kicked me out of the wedding because I couldn't make a date to go dress shopping." Even though that isn't the full story, that's how they'll frame it. And it will fuel their fire that you are the bad guy.

    Kill them. With kindness.
  • I think its his parents general attitude that led to him threatening to cancel not just the way she cancelled dress shopping.   I can see lots of men reacting that way or similarly.  Frankly I may have reacted that way myself, momentarily.
  • My two cents -

    Keep your dress shopping plan with everyone else.
    Decide on a dress.
    Let SIL know the colour.
    Tell her if she gets a dress in that colour for the wedding, you'd welcome her as a BM, if not, you look forward to seeing her as a guest.

    Discuss nothing else about the wedding with either of them.
    If they ask anything about it, tell them planning is going well, and change the subject.
    If they try to give you "advice" or input, tell them you'll take their ideas/concerns/views on board, and change the subject. Then ignore said advice as you see fit.

    When the time comes, send them an invite.
    They'll come, or they won't.

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
  • phira said:
    I think you need to stop thinking about asking your future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid as a way to mend fences. That's a really subtle form of loan sharking, where you offer something to her that she did not ask you for, and expect something (a better relationship) in return. You're supposed to ask people to stand up with you because you want them to stand up with you, not as an olive branch.

    My point here isn't that you made a terrible mistake, but that you need to stop framing the situation like you've been framing it. Yes, we get it--your fiance's family doesn't approve of your relationship. So don't reward them for it. Deal with them neutrally--don't throw your future sister-in-law out of the wedding party, but don't extend more olive branches.
    This is a very nice, diplomatic way of telling you that you knew what they were like when you decided to involve them in your wedding, so stop acting all surprised and butt-hurt that they haven't changed their entire personalities just because you're getting married.
  • lc07 said:
    Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but I took your FI's comment as "you will no longer be invited to the wedding because we are going to elope instead of inviting guests to our wedding if this craziness continues". Perhaps still a dramatic response but I took it as him still wanting to marry you but just canceling the big she-bang about it all.
    This is the way that I took it as well, not that he was going to back down and not marry the OP, but that it would no longer be a wedding with guests so OP & FI didn't have to deal with the drama anymore.

    Don't kick the sister out and don't add any last minute replacements.  Have fun on your birthday outing and afterwards let SIL know the dress specs and the last day to order. If she grows up and buys it then, great, if not then it won't be the end of the world and she won't be a BM on your wedding day.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • lc07 said:
    Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but I took your FI's comment as "you will no longer be invited to the wedding because we are going to elope instead of inviting guests to our wedding if this craziness continues". Perhaps still a dramatic response but I took it as him still wanting to marry you but just canceling the big she-bang about it all.
    This is the way that I took it as well, not that he was going to back down and not marry the OP, but that it would no longer be a wedding with guests so OP & FI didn't have to deal with the drama anymore.

    Don't kick the sister out and don't add any last minute replacements.  Have fun on your birthday outing and afterwards let SIL know the dress specs and the last day to order. If she grows up and buys it then, great, if not then it won't be the end of the world and she won't be a BM on your wedding day.
    Thank you.  I think this is the option we will go with.  Let her know the specs and just leave it.  
  • Personally I think kicking her out would just give them more leverage not to like you.  Yes, it is totally unwarranted but they could easily turn it into "she just needed to come help her dear parents for the day and that evil LDay kicked her out of the wedding!".  No that's not what happened, but it appears they have a way of twisting the situation.

    On another note, 1/4 is my bday too : ) 
  • Well, I just got a text from FSIL saying FMIL told her she is no longer needed at the cottage and she can come on Saturday...I wish I had been a fly on the wall in their house yesterday.
  • I can understand the "last straw" syndrome your FI is experiencing. When you've put up with years of abuse even the slightest thing is enough at this point to tip the scale. I would imagine he was talking about calling off the wedding, not the actual getting married part. 

    Getting married is super duper easy, having a "full blown wedding" can be extremely stressful. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, talk with your FI and see what he needs to happen vs what you want to happen. 

    Maybe doing something more low-key with just a handful of guests is what is needed, I can understand that being a disappointment if you were planning something a bit bigger however understand once the STDs or Invites go out you're in for the long haul. I would not include the FMIL or FSIL in anymore planning.

    The FSIL has clearly removed herself from the wedding party so I would not worry about it. Send an invitation when the time is right, host them graciously, be nice... saccharine even, you do not owe anyone at any point an explanation of your relationship. 

    You have explained your relationship to them once, and that was once too often. It was not any of their business then, it is not any of their business now.  
  • GrrArgh said:
    I can understand the "last straw" syndrome your FI is experiencing. When you've put up with years of abuse even the slightest thing is enough at this point to tip the scale. I would imagine he was talking about calling off the wedding, not the actual getting married part. 

    Getting married is super duper easy, having a "full blown wedding" can be extremely stressful. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, talk with your FI and see what he needs to happen vs what you want to happen. 

    Maybe doing something more low-key with just a handful of guests is what is needed, I can understand that being a disappointment if you were planning something a bit bigger however understand once the STDs or Invites go out you're in for the long haul. I would not include the FMIL or FSIL in anymore planning.

    The FSIL has clearly removed herself from the wedding party so I would not worry about it. Send an invitation when the time is right, host them graciously, be nice... saccharine even, you do not owe anyone at any point an explanation of your relationship. 

    You have explained your relationship to them once, and that was once too often. It was not any of their business then, it is not any of their business now.  
    our current small wedding (26 guests) is part of the issue...they want a full blown big wedding which we are NOT doing.  

    Sometimes you can't win...
  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited January 2014
    So sorry you're having to deal with this, I really really am. The only advise I have is stop explaining yourselves and just kill them with kindness. Let them be the ones to walk away, they will either accept this is happening how you (plural) want this to happen and that you are the one for him, or they will have to accept a much lower involvement in your lives. 
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