want to use my ordained cousin-finding a church!

mbmj1112

My fiance and I dont attend church regularly but dont picture getting married anywhere besides in a church. I grew up going to my hometown church but our pastor passed away a few years ago and it has been atleast 10 years since I attended services regularly. Although this church would be my first option, it has awful bright red carpet throughout and big floor to ceiling pillars in the aisle which doesn't allow everyone to see the altar area. So I have 2 dilemmas! How do I go about finding a church that will allow non-members to marry there AND my fiance and I would like my cousin to marry us. I just feel hopeless.. we live in a small town with not many options. Any suggestions are much appreciated!

OliveOilsMom

mbmj1112 said:

My fiance and I dont attend church regularly but dont picture getting married anywhere besides in a church. I grew up going to my hometown church but our pastor passed away a few years ago and it has been atleast 10 years since I attended services regularly. Although this church would be my first option, it has awful bright red carpet throughout and big floor to ceiling pillars in the aisle which doesn't allow everyone to see the altar area. So I have 2 dilemmas! How do I go about finding a church that will allow non-members to marry there AND my fiance and I would like my cousin to marry us. I just feel hopeless.. we live in a small town with not many options. Any suggestions are much appreciated!

You should look into any non-denomination churches.  They would probably allow your cousin to marry you.  But is your cousin a licensed minister?  I would imagine that most churches would only allow practicing ministers marry people in their churches, not just someone who is ordained online.  You really need to just call places in your area.  You can also go onto your local board here to ask for suggestions.

Also, are you only getting married in a church for appearances?  

mbmj1112

My cousin isnt a practicing minister. She went to Siena college here in nys which is an independant roman catholic college. In going there she had to take certain classes that had to do with that sort of thing. She got ordained a few years ago and has done many weddings since. That being said I grew up in a church (Edinburg Bible Chapel) that didnt claim any one religion... anyone could attend.. would that be considered a non denominational church or is there something more specific? No, I dont believe I want to get married in a church for appearances... I dont want my marriage to be just a contract in the eyes of the state, I want us to be joined under god also. On the flip side of that id prefer my cousin over a pastor who wouldn't even know my name.. I think it would be more personal. Ive been told that my best bet is to look into methodist churches??

CMGragain

Some churches will allow non-members to be married in their facilities, but you need permission from the pastor to use another officiant.  Most churches would not allow an officiant who is not affiliated with their beliefs,  What are your cousin's qualifications?
Why do you want to be married in a church in which you are not a member?  A church is a house of worship, not a pretty background for your wedding.

mbmj1112

I am trying to find a midground between religion AND a "pretty background for my wedding"

mbmj1112

My cousin isnt a practicing minister. She went to Siena college here in nys which is an independant roman catholic college. In going there she had to take certain classes that had to do with that sort of thing. She got ordained a few years ago and has done many weddings since. That being said I grew up in a church (Edinburg Bible Chapel) that didnt claim any one religion... anyone could attend.. would that be considered a non denominational church or is there something more specific? No, I dont believe I want to get married in a church for appearances... I dont want my marriage to be just a contract in the eyes of the state, I want us to be joined under god also. On the flip side of that id prefer my cousin over a pastor who wouldn't even know my name.. I think it would be more personal. Ive been told that my best bet is to look into methodist churches??

CMGragain

Actually, you might try Unitarian Churches.  They are the most open.  United Methodist Churches might allow it, but it would be completely up to the individual minister to give permission.

mbmj1112

CMGragain said:

Actually, you might try Unitarian Churches.  They are the most open.  United Methodist Churches might allow it, but it would be completely up to the individual minister to give permission.

Thank you for the advice. As much as I would love to have my cousin marry us its looking like I wont be able to have my cake and eat it too. I guess ive just gotta pick up the phone and start making some phone calls. You dont know if you dont ask, right? 

misssunshine17

1) I think the carpet thing is silly. 

2) I was married in a Unitarian Church and it was exactly what we wanted. H is Catholic and I consider myself non-denom. 

mbmj1112

misssunshine17 said:

1) I think the carpet thing is silly. 

2) I was married in a Unitarian Church and it was exactly what we wanted. H is Catholic and I consider myself non-denom. 

I just looked up unitarian churches and the nearest one is over an hour from the reception site. thank you for the suggestion though!

emmyg65

To me, the content of the ceremony is more important than where it takes place. Perhaps you can work with your cousin to create a meaningful ceremony that incorporates the sort of religious things you're looking for and have her marry you wherever you want. I don't see how a random church that you have no ties to is any more meaningful than a garden or hotel ballroom or whatever.

SKPM

mbmj1112 said:

misssunshine17 said:

1) I think the carpet thing is silly. 

2) I was married in a Unitarian Church and it was exactly what we wanted. H is Catholic and I consider myself non-denom. 

I just looked up unitarian churches and the nearest one is over an hour from the reception site. thank you for the suggestion though!
----------
In hindsight and for other brides reading: if the ceremony location is important then it is wise not to book a reception venue until finalizing ceremony plans. Even if you found a church that you liked and was within reasonable distance, what if it wasn't available on the day for which you've already booked your reception venue?

Could your cousin marry you at your reception venue? You could work with him to customize your ceremony.

ETA: quote boxes.

mbmj1112

SKPM said:

misssunshine17 said:

1) I think the carpet thing is silly. 

2) I was married in a Unitarian Church and it was exactly what we wanted. H is Catholic and I consider myself non-denom. 

I just looked up unitarian churches and the nearest one is over an hour from the reception site. thank you for the suggestion though!

---------- In hindsight and for other brides reading: if the ceremony location is important then it is wise not to book a reception venue until finalizing ceremony plans. Even if you found a church that you liked and was within reasonable distance, what if it wasn't available on the day for which you've already booked your reception venue? Could your cousin marry you at your reception venue? You could work with him to customize your ceremony. ETA: quote boxes.

We didn't book a venue. We are on a tight budget so we are having an outdoor tented reception on my grandparent's property. This is why we are limited on options. I believe we are going to end up getting married in the church I grew up in.

mbmj1112

alisonmarie658 said:

I don't get the appeal of getting married in a church if you aren't a church goer and don't plan to become one. It's just putting on a show, in my opinion.

Ive been getting and see an awful lot of backlash about whether or not I am/others are religious enough to get married in a church. Everyone has a different relationship with god and I for one don't believe that just because a person attends church that they are above or closer to god than someone who doesn't. No, I dont attend services every sunday. I slowly stopped attending when i was around 16 yrs old. Now We go once a year on Easter sunday. Im sorry to give you this long speech but I see this all too often on these forums. If I am putting on a show then im putting it on for myself. Getting married in a church was never a negotiable subject. Im sorry if my not as religious lifestyle as some of you would like makes you believe I'm not worthy of the right. This might be your opinion but it seems to be a prevalent one among commenters.

chibiyui

mbmj1112 said:

alisonmarie658 said:

I don't get the appeal of getting married in a church if you aren't a church goer and don't plan to become one. It's just putting on a show, in my opinion.

Ive been getting and see an awful lot of backlash about whether or not I am/others are religious enough to get married in a church. Everyone has a different relationship with god and I for one don't believe that just because a person attends church that they are above or closer to god than someone who doesn't. No, I dont attend services every sunday. I slowly stopped attending when i was around 16 yrs old. Now We go once a year on Easter sunday. Im sorry to give you this long speech but I see this all too often on these forums. If I am putting on a show then im putting it on for myself. Getting married in a church was never a negotiable subject. Im sorry if my not as religious lifestyle as some of you would like makes you believe I'm not worthy of the right. This might be your opinion but it seems to be a prevalent one among commenters.

I think people just find it odd that you don't regularly attend church but are adamant about marrying in a church. FI and I attend church about once a month, and our pastor will be doing our ceremony, but it will be at our reception venue. (of course, our church meets at a movie theatre) but really, outside of the Catholic church, the validity of marriage isn't questioned if its not performed in a church. Heck, some denominations are very clear that the "church" isn't the building, it is the people, the congregation that is the church. The building is just dressing.

also, in my hometown EVERY church (except the one lone Catholic church) had bright red carpet. Tithing rarely covers 10year cosmetic renovations, especially in small towns.

Good luck to you, I hope you are able to find a church that allows your cousin to officiate your ceremony. But at the same time, you might need to decide if getting married in a church or being married by your cousin is more important.

RebeccaB88

You know, God is everywhere. Not just in a specific building dedicated to Him. You want to get married 'under God' and your cousin is an ordained minister. Between your officiant and creating an order of ceremony that includes prayers and mentions of God, I think you're getting married 'under God'. With that, you can get married anywhere and it will become a church. If there's room on your reception property, rent another tent and chairs and viola - you have a church.

RebeccaB88

You know, God is everywhere. Not just in a specific building dedicated to Him. You want to get married 'under God' and your cousin is an ordained minister. Between your officiant and creating an order of ceremony that includes prayers and mentions of God, I think you're getting married 'under God'. With that, you can get married anywhere and it will become a church. If there's room on your reception property, rent another tent and chairs and viola - you have a church.

bremnerschmitz

I'm having a similar situation.  We're getting married out of state near where my extended family lives, so I never had a church I attended there.  My family has a church they've attended for generations but it's also an eyesore, the pastor our family knew well isn't there anymore, and it's 45 min from our ideal reception site. 

My family has a retired pastor that has done almost every family wedding - he married my parents, most of my aunts and uncles, and my cousin.  He's now retired though, so has no church.  I've been trying to find a church in the same town as our reception that will let our family pastor perform the ceremony, and it's been difficult.

My advice to you is just contact local churches and ask each of them.  Some might not let you bring in a different officiant, some might only do weddings for members of their congregation, but it's worth asking around.  

But be willing to accept that you might have to end up making a sacrifice, whether it's using the church that doesn't look as nice, losing the picture in your mind of being in a church, or having to use a different officiant.  The perfect venue might not exist unfortunately (that's where I'm finding myself right now, but I'm being stubborn and refuse to admit it)\

Good luck! Hope you can find the perfect place!

Fairyjen1

     There is a beautiful chapel at the university in my town. We considered getting married there. It's non-denominational and absolutely beautiful with huge stained glass windows. It comes with a day of coordinator and you can bring your own officiant. They also have a list of officiants of many faiths they help you get in touch with. 

You might want to look at University chapels in your area. 

kmmssg

Fairyjen1 said:

     There is a beautiful chapel at the university in my town. We considered getting married there. It's non-denominational and absolutely beautiful with huge stained glass windows. It comes with a day of coordinator and you can bring your own officiant. They also have a list of officiants of many faiths they help you get in touch with. 

You might want to look at University chapels in your area. 

My DH is an alumni of Michigan State University and one of our girls was married at the chapel there.  At MSU you have to be an alumni or the child of an alumni.  One of my girls wanted to be married there (DH is her stepdad) and they initially said no!  In all fairness, I did protest a bit about the fact that she had been living under his roof for many years and the lady finally allowed us to to book the chapel and keep it on the DL.  Alas, that engagement was cancelled.  I would think a lot of universities don't just open their chapel to the general public.

HisGirlFriday13

kmmssg said:

Fairyjen1 said:

     There is a beautiful chapel at the university in my town. We considered getting married there. It's non-denominational and absolutely beautiful with huge stained glass windows. It comes with a day of coordinator and you can bring your own officiant. They also have a list of officiants of many faiths they help you get in touch with. 

You might want to look at University chapels in your area. 

My DH is an alumni of Michigan State University and one of our girls was married at the chapel there.  At MSU you have to be an alumni or the child of an alumni.  One of my girls wanted to be married there (DH is her stepdad) and they initially said no!  In all fairness, I did protest a bit about the fact that she had been living under his roof for many years and the lady finally allowed us to to book the chapel and keep it on the DL.  Alas, that engagement was cancelled.  I would think a lot of universities don't just open their chapel to the general public.

This. My college's chapel is gorgeous, but you have to be an alumni or descendant of an alumni to use it (or, I suppose, child of faculty). It's not randomly available for rent.