Any brides out there with a deceased mother?

EarthToChelsea

Hello!

My fiance and I are getting married next year, and we're trying to do some ceremony planning. I've run into a snag though--I'm a younger bride (I will be 23 when we wed), and my mother passed away about 2 years ago. I've found that it's been difficult to do some of the wedding planning just because I miss her so much. We're looking for a way to honor my mother during the ceremony/reception and I was wondering if any of you ladies have been in the same situation and, if so, how did you honor your mother? And how did you cope with certain things (like picking out a dress) without your mother?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Chelsea 

HisGirlFriday13

@mimiphin is a bride in that situation, and she might be better able to give you advice.

I am so sorry for your loss -- I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is for you.

EarthToChelsea

Thank you so much for letting me know! I'll be sure to send her a message. And thank you for the kind words, as well. It's tough, but I just keep reminding myself that she's here even when I can't see her.

Jen4948

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I guess what I would do in the same situation would be either to find a close friend or relative of my mother, who I think would give me the advice and care she would, or I would find someone among my friends, who I would feel like I could confide in. 

Nice ways to honor your mother, without adding to the sadness you and others at your wedding might be feeling, could be to give her a tribute in a wedding program, wear or carry something associated with your mother (maybe her favorite flower or a piece of jewelry she owned), or have food, drinks, music, songs, decorations, or other entertainment she would have enjoyed.

LacyHolly

I have a friend who just got married and had flowers at her wedding to honor her mother and both grandparents who had passed. They just had one bouquet in the front for them, but I have always thought it was a sweet idea to place a flower or a candle on a chair in the front to honor those people who have passed.

MobKaz

LacyHolly said:

I have a friend who just got married and had flowers at her wedding to honor her mother and both grandparents who had passed. They just had one bouquet in the front for them, but I have always thought it was a sweet idea to place a flower or a candle on a chair in the front to honor those people who have passed.

Such a memorial tends to evoke sadness and sorrow more than fond memories.  This is not generally suggested for that reason.  Remembrances should be subtle on a joyful day.

As PP's have suggested, there are many ways to remember family without creating unnecessary sadness.  The bride can carry something that was owned by her mother.  She can wear a favorite fragrance.  She can incorporate her mother's favorite flower or color into her bouquet and/or reception decor.  The cake can be a flavor her mother loved, or some of the appetizers or dinner selections can be of her mother's favorite foods.  One of mom's favorite songs can be played at any point in the celebration, whether during the ceremony or reception.  

EarthtoChelsea, I am sorry for your loss.  I understand how much you want to remember and even honor your mom on your wedding day.  Please be sure to share with your dad or other important family members of any of your plans.  Even some of the subtle reminders may catch them off guard and cause them undue anguish.  

jlhart76

My mom died in '08, so my sympathies go out to you. For me, I was lucky to have a number of "moms" who have adopted me as their daughter. My MOH is like a sister and her mom treats me like her daughter, so she has filled in with the going to wedding shows and dress shopping. As for how to honor my mom, I'm still thinking. Dad recently remarried so I don't want to disrespect his new relationship by doing something in your face, plus I think subtlety is best. Maybe ask to borrow a piece of her jewelry or attach a photo charm to my bouquet. I personally think the empty chair brings too much attention to the missing person.

AddieCake

My sympathies to you! My mother is deceased. Some people on here will tell you to never ever do what I did, but my family members had no objections. My parents have been divorced for decades, so the only person there who would have been "affected" was her sister, who loved my idea and took care of setting it up for me. 

We left her seat empty and tied 2 nylon butterflies to her chair b/c she loved butterflies. After the ceremony, my dad suggested I put one of the butterflies in my bouquet and got some pics with it and then I kept one and her sister kept the other. In hindsight, I wish I had had a butterfly in my bouquet for walking down the aisle, but we didn't even think of it at the time. 

A lot of people think the empty chair thing is morbid and attention-drawing and not private, but that wasn't the case at all for us. 

offthemarket915

I'm so sorry.  I have no family to speak of, only the friends that have become "family" to me.   It has cast a sad shadow on the planning, as I am always aware of the lack of "real" family.  You may want to read "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman.

As for a memorial, the idea I like best is a glass hurricane candle holder engraved with the name and In Loving Memory.  To me, this is a lovely way to honor the person without casting a somber feeling over the ceremony or reception.

mattandrachelgettingmarried

I'm a little late in my reply, but I'm right there with you Chelsea. I'm 25 and getting married at the end of June and lost my mom to cancer 4 years ago. While I don't have much advice to offer, I can tell you you're not alone. While my mom has been gone a few years now, the process of planning a wedding without her has brought back so much grief and the reminder that even the happiest moments of our lives will always be bittersweet. 

I'm also grappling with the best way to honor my mom that won't offend or be too sad for her parents or sisters and my dad and younger brothers--and for me! It's hard to find comfort in the idea of honoring your mom at your wedding when all you want is for her to just be there. 

From my own experience this journey has been a roller coaster. It took me a long time to get started in the planning process and I have definitely put off certain "tasks" again and again because I didn't want to face them. The dress was certainly the hardest for me (so far)--again can i say that it just plain sucks for all of these supposedly beautiful moments to be tainted (even underneath) with sadness? I finally went with my mom's sisters, my groom's mom, my future sister-in-law and two of my cousins. We actually were able to skype in my grandmother (my mom's mom too) My bridal party is small and all live out of state so while I wish I could have done it with them it logistically didn't work. 

I am going to wear my mom's veil with my dress. I did a lot of online looking and went to two stores in a day. I can't tell you that I wasn't sad but I can also tell you that I did live through the experience, and after just facing it (i.e. scheduling the visit, gathering the troops and setting foot into the bridal shop) I did feel some relief and I found a dress I'm in LOVE with. 

It's a roller coaster, but I think ultimately you have to try to do something meaningful for you. I'm a private person and as much as I want to respect everyone at my wedding (see above) I do find myself gravitating towards leaving her a chair. I know it's sad and maybe that's childish of me but sometimes I feel like acknowledging the sad should be okay, why should we always have to hide it so that we don't make everyone else uncomfortable (which is so opposite of my personality because I hate conflict and tend to try to accommodate and care for everyone around me). Sorry for the very, very long-winded post--got caught up in an emotional night. 

Hang in there and do things at your own pace in your own way.

ShellD13

Hi -

My FI and and I are getting married in June. My mom passed away 23 years ago (when I was 15). Fortunately, I had an amazing woman who stepped into my life in the intervening years and while she isnt and never will be Mom - I know my mom is looking down with gratitude. I've also had 21 more years to learn to manage the grief on a regular basis but I know that big days in my life are still very tough - high school grad, college grad so I know our wedding day will be HARD. I have opted to have a photo charm placed in my bouquet (check out Smiling Blue Dog on Etsy). I'm sure you could make your own if you are crafty I just didn't want to risk my DIY abilities on something that is so important to me. I also have a couple of pieces of jewelry that belong to her none are really wedding appropriate so I may just attach one of them to the underlayers of my dress. I thought about doing an empty chair for a LONG time but now that my wedding is a reality I don't think I can do it it would make me too sad.

One last thing a PP mentioned the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edleman - If you haven't already - read it! I didn't pick it up until 4 years ago but I can attest that it is amazing. There were so many ways I had built walls around my heart and life because of my moms death but it wasn't until I saw it on paper that I had my "ah ha"moment that I truly began to process my grief and my mom had been gone for 19 years at that point....