Etiquette

bridesmaid dilemma

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Re: bridesmaid dilemma

  • Rotfl.  Not saying that the baby should wait in the car. I just wish people new that this day was a long time coming for me, and asked me what to do with their baby... could the venue even accommodate an infant.  I was all about postponing the wedding, for my honor attendants. Mainly the best man and my maid of honor.  If they could not be there, it does not matter if anyone else was there, because our day could not be shared with the ones we are closest to, than each other.
  • dmyrick78 said:
    First of all, I am not a troll. She and her husband are in the wedding party.  Who will take care of the baby? I KNOW how important my FI's brother is to him, and I offered to rearrange MY wedding day to suit them.  I am not selfish.  I have just waited a long time, and If I had to wait a bit longer for my day to be perfect, I would have.  No one would be put out, everyone could come, and I could have the wedding I envisioned.  My FI did not want to postpone the wedding. I was the one who was going to bend, first.  So please don't act like I don't care for this woman.  I just wanted a dream wedding, as my FI and I cannot have a honeymoon. I just wished she would have asked me what my wishes were, not to wait to start their family, but to know that it is going to be impossible to have an infant at this venue.  There is nowhere to nurse, and new moms are shy about that.  There is no hotel, and her and the groom are in the wedding.  They have put me in a difficult position.  Had I known, I would have rented a venue with a hotel to accommodate everyone, or just went with my gut and post-poned the wedding.
    But there's no need -- your wedding will be just fine with or without these wedding party attendants and with or without their baby. If you post-poned your wedding for every single thing in someone else's life, you'll never get married. 

    You play the hand you're dealt, and you go to war with the army you have. 

    What @hisgirlfriday13 said. Also, and I'm not trying to be mean, but no ones wedding day is perfect and most of us don't get the wedding we envision and that is ok. At the end of the day the most important thing is that you and your FI are in love and getting married.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:
    jdluvr06 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    dmyrick78 said:
    One of my bridesmaids was trying to get pregnant (her husband is the best man).  She got pregnant and her due date is a week and a half before the wedding.  It is her first child. I don't want any children at the wedding.  I think she is planning on bringing the week old infant, and I don't know what to do. Infants are not easy, especially if you are breast feeding, and if it is your first child.  My twin sister (maid of honor) is having a baby a month before, but has all ready found someone to watch the baby, while she attends the wedding. I don't know how it would be possible for this bridesmaid to even attend our wedding, unless she brought the baby (the venue is 45 minutes away).  If she is planning on breast feeding with a week old baby, it would  be impossible for her to leave the baby at home with a sitter. I talked to my FI and he was adamant against postponing the wedding, but now we are tied into the date with our venues and I don't know what to say to her.  I think she thinks infants are so easy. I do not want a baby screaming during our vows and taking away from our special day, What do i do, ask her if she knows who would watch the baby, or let the pieces fall where they may? I was at her wedding, and she did not have any children at her wedding.  I understand not waiting until after the wedding to go on with your lives, but I don't think they thought this through with both her and her husband in our wedding party, how difficult it would be to have a baby a week before and attend an all-day event. What do I do?
    Although not required, most couples make newborns and infants the exception to no children weddings, especially with babies younger than a month.

    If you absolutely aren't willing to make an exception for either of these babies, you don't have to, but you have to understand that you may also be excluding the mothers.  Even with the one who thinks she'll be able to leave the child behind, you need to consider that things may change.  It's easy for her to say that now while she's pregnant, but when she actually has the baby at home she may change her mind about leaving a child that young with a sitter.  

    You should change your perspective here.  These are your friends and they are welcoming new lives into the world.  You may not like babies, but a good friend would be happy for the new mothers, not worrying about how it effects her wedding.  They didn't need to "think it through" and plan around your wedding.  
    I'm going to disagree a little bit.  I agree that the parents didn't need to "think it through" and plan their reproductive lives around the wedding.

    But, that doesn't require the OP to "change her perspective."  She is not required to invite any baby, not even a newborn, a nursing baby, or the baby of two wedding party members.  Certainly it would be a kindness for her to invite the babies, especially because the parents are in the wedding party, but she is not required to do so.  If she and her FI don't want babies there for whatever reason, that is their prerogative. (Seriously.  Whether or not it "ruins the wedding" is irrelevant because it's subjective.) 

    It is also the prerogative of the parents of the baby to decide that they can't attend if the baby is not invited.  It's totally fair

    So nobody has to "change their perspective" here.  Both sides just have to accept that the couple has the right to decide that the baby can't come and its parents have the right to decide that they can't attend without it.  Whatever decisions are made, both sides have to honor them without guilt-tripping each other into allowing the baby against the couple's wishes or pouting if the parents step down from the wedding party and/or don't attend without the baby.

    Jen I could be wrong but I think what she meant when she said that the OP should change her perspective is that instead of worrying over how the new baby could effect her wedding she should be happy for her friend. I don't think she was implying that the OP needs to change her mind on having the baby there or not.
    I read it that she should "change her perspective" and not worry about how the new baby could affect her wedding.  Whether or not she's "happy" for the parents isn't the issue.  And it sounds to me like she is happy for them in general, just not about the prospect that they'll want to bring the baby to her wedding.  She doesn't have to be "happy" about that.

    But either way, I don't think she has to change her perspective on anything-just accept that if the baby can't come, possibly the parents won't.
    She needs to change her perspective in that she needs to stop thinking that these parents should have planned their child around her wedding and stop thinking of her friends' pregnancies as wedding problems.  

    People have lives and they usually don't plan their families around other people's weddings.  That's not a bad thing.  It doesn't mean that OP should plan her wedding around the babies.  I don't like kids at all, but I can't understand the mentality of refusing to make an exception to accommodate two new mothers who are close enough to be in the wedding party.  OP doesn't have to make an exception if she doesn't want to, but she needs to understand that she is putting her friend in a position where she is forced to miss the wedding.   
    I agree with this.  I'm with Jen that there is no requirement to make an exception etiquette-wise, but from a relationship standpoint, I can't imagine not having one of my closest friends at my wedding because I was scared a baby might cry during the ceremony.  And I don't plan on having kids at my wedding and prefer weddings without them.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • My father is not coming to my wedding, I have a cousin on my FI's side that has tried to attack me, accused me of trying to make a move on her husband, scratching her husband's face up in the process, and we aren't going on a honeymoon.  I have made plenty of concessions for this wedding. It is all ready something I haven't imagined, and I am practically fed up with the whole thing.
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma
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    Maybe you should just elope. People in life will disappoint you.
    SlothGoalsPrettyGirlLostmelbelleupgrumbledore
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I don't see what not going on a honeymoon has to do with it. We have been married a year and a half and haven't taken a honeymoon yet. That didn't affect my wedding AT ALL. It's hardly something that you should be acting like has "gone wrong."
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupaurorajanette
  • I understand that people will disappoint you, and I was fully prepared for that, by everything else I am dealing with.  I wanted to elope.  These big weddings get way out of control. FI is attached to the big wedding, and he does not mind kids at a wedding, so it has become a sore subject even though i tried to postpone the wedding so it was better for everyone involved.
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma
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    dmyrick78 said:
    Rotfl.  Not saying that the baby should wait in the car. I just wish people new that this day was a long time coming for me, and asked me what to do with their baby... could the venue even accommodate an infant.  I was all about postponing the wedding, for my honor attendants. Mainly the best man and my maid of honor.  If they could not be there, it does not matter if anyone else was there, because our day could not be shared with the ones we are closest to, than each other.
    My day was a long time coming as well.  We were married a few months after 9 years of being together.  But we wanted the most important people there for our wedding.  Even if that meant that some of our friends had to bring their newborn children.  I would have rather had two newborns at my wedding then have my two very good friends not come.

    And just so you know my 18 month old niece began crying as soon as our officiant started to speak.  It in no way ruined my day.  My BIL took her immediately out of the area but she quoted down almost immediately.  And guess what my reaction was?  I started laughing because it was such perfect timing by her.

    Anything can happen on your wedding day.  It could rain like crazy.  A traffic accident could prevent the majority of your guests from witnessing the ceremony.  One of your adult guests could have a sneezing or coughing fit throughout your ceremony.  You could get the wrong flowers or your cake could fall over.  What you need to remember is that no matter what happens you will still be married and if you stop being over concerned about things being perfect you will actually find the little things that go wrong as being funny rather then them ruining your entire day.

    All of this. Things go wrong. Just go with it.
    grumbledore
  • auriannaaurianna
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    edited January 2014
    dmyrick78 said:
    I am happy for my friend, I have baked her all sorts of goodies, when i found out she was pregnant.  I have just been to several weddings where there was an inconsolable baby or child, and  I would never want that at my wedding. I guess I have to allow babies at the wedding, and suck it up. As long as her wedding went seamlessly, I guess that's all that matters.
    Drop this kind of thing. This VERY much looks like you're saying, "It's not fair. My friend got a really nice wedding, but now she's screwed me over by spawning during my special day. My wedding won't be perfect now because of her and it's all her fault and she doesn't care!"

    She did nothing wrong, and her wedding, seamless or otherwise, has nothing to do with yours.

    Your wedding is your own day that will be made special by marrying your fiance. Never feel the need to compare it to anyone else's. Every wedding is different.

    Time changes people's situations. No one close to her had a baby at the time of her wedding. People close to you do. That's just life; always changing. You'll be happier when you accept it.
    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupaurorajanetteSKPM
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz
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    dmyrick78 said:
    I understand that people will disappoint you, and I was fully prepared for that, by everything else I am dealing with.  I wanted to elope.  These big weddings get way out of control. FI is attached to the big wedding, and he does not mind kids at a wedding, so it has become a sore subject even though i tried to postpone the wedding so it was better for everyone involved.
    It sounds like you are becoming a doormat for other people-- including Fi-- and you're just about to snap.  If whether or not to have kids at your wedding is really causing this much strife, I think you need to step back from wedding planning as PPs have said.  Talk to Fi and get on the same page.  Do you agree about whether to have kids?  It sounds like you don't like kids and he does.  That's a big deal.

    Have a drink, stop planning for a week or two, and talk with Fi about A) your values, especially about kids and the relationship you will have with your families of origin, and B) what you actually want for your wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    misshart00melbelleup
  • Thank you.  I have been pretty comical about most things, it is just there is nowhere to put a crying baby, in my venue.  There is the banquet hall, the woman's bathroom, with stalls, and outside. If I were in the wedding party, I would have talked to the bride about what accommodations could be made, if any, or I would bow out. I didn't think people brought babies anywhere when they were that little, besides the doctor.  Maybe I just don't know because I don't have kids of my own, yet. 
  • I do want kids, but I just did not think it was appropriate to have kids at someone else's wedding.  Do I think the baby is going to be cuter than me?  I assure you I could not care in the least.  I care with my vows to my husband we will be able to hear each other and have a moment together, for everyone to witness. That is the point of a wedding.  ANd I care if the baby is late and the best man can't even attend his own brother's wedding. As far as shopping goes, I want the bridesmaids to get their own wedding dresses. And whatever I decide, I will definitely do it before then.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    edited January 2014
    dmyrick78 said:
    Thank you.  I have been pretty comical about most things, it is just there is nowhere to put a crying baby, in my venue.  There is the banquet hall, the woman's bathroom, with stalls, and outside. If I were in the wedding party, I would have talked to the bride about what accommodations could be made, if any, or I would bow out. I didn't think people brought babies anywhere when they were that little, besides the doctor.  Maybe I just don't know because I don't have kids of my own, yet. 
    So there are places to take a crying baby if it in fact starts crying during the ceremony.  Those locations are outside and the bathroom.

    And yes, people do take newborns places.  My SIL came home for Christmas with her 1.5 month old. My sister started taking my niece places like a week or so after having her.  Babies are not that fragile and the Mom's or Dad's or whoever is watching them do tend to like to leave their homes sometimes.

    ETA: the only thing that this girl may have done wrong is to assume that bringing her baby was okay because you should never assume anything.  And I can't even remember if you said she did that and I don't feel like going back through all the posts to find out.

  • Maybe it is because my sister was a very worried first time mom, and didn't take the baby anywhere for the first month. I am just saying there will be no comfortable private place to breastfeed.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    dmyrick78 said:
    Maybe it is because my sister was a very worried first time mom, and didn't take the baby anywhere for the first month. I am just saying there will be no comfortable private place to breastfeed.
    Moms can breast feed anywhere and when they do it isn't like their boob is out for all to see.  Many times you can hardly tell that they are breast feeding.

    Honestly I think you overthinking this.  The damn kid isn't even born yet and you have no way of knowing if she will still be pregnant or not by the time your wedding comes around.  So you have to decide if having the there is more important then the no kids rule.

    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupgrumbledoreKittyKaty20
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma
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    My baby went to visit her great great grandparents when she was 6 days old. We also went 12 hours away when she was about 4 weeks old.

    I agree that she shouldn't assume she can bring the baby, but you'll have to decide what's more important: those two people there or not allowing babies. It's up to you and there's no wrong answer. Also, she could come late and have the baby on your wedding day.
    melbelleup
  • To me her having the baby on the day is a big fear of mine.  I know these things can't be helped, but his brother would obviously not be able to be my FI's best man. I would be heart broken if my twin sister weren't able to be in the wedding. It just seems like a roll of the dice, and I don't know if either of them will use their wedding day attire, if their baby came late. I understand that he has his new family, but I can't imagine how sad my Fi will feel not having his best man. I would be happy for them, but I would be upset for my FH
  • edited January 2014
    dmyrick78 said:
    To me her having the baby on the day is a big fear of mine.  I know these things can't be helped, but his brother would obviously not be able to be my FI's best man. I would be heart broken if my twin sister weren't able to be in the wedding. It just seems like a roll of the dice, and I don't know if either of them will use their wedding day attire, if their baby came late. I understand that he has his new family, but I can't imagine how sad my Fi will feel not having his best man. I would be happy for them, but I would be upset for my FH
    You say you "can't imagine how sad your FI will be without his best man," so I suggest you stop trying to imagine it because I can almost GUARANTEE that your FI will feel zero sadness. He will feel VERY happy about being an uncle AND being married to the woman he loves, all at the same time. Stop using your FI's imaginary emotions as an excuse to justify your selfishness over this issue. This woman having a child does not have to affect your wedding day beyond how it will affect her attendance: she either will attend, with baby or without, or she won't attend. 

    Based on your previous statement, "It took me 12 years for my fiance to propose," I'm getting the sense that you feel you are
    owed this dream wedding, and circumstances outside of your control are getting in the way of that dream. Let it go. Dream about being married to the love of your life, and remember that marriage will take place whether or not a week-old baby starts wailing like a banshee in the middle of your vows and you have to say them over. Still the same vows, still the same man, still about the marriage. 

    Edited because the quote box is messed up
    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupSKPM
  • OP you mentioned that your FI wants kids there, but you don't. If you insist that your new niece/nephew (assuming they are born before your wedding) cannot attend thus meaning that FI's brother and best man may not be able to attend, then you may have to be prepared for your FI being a bit annoyed with you. Why is this your decision?
    Maggie0829PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupjenniferurs
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    dmyrick78 said:
    To me her having the baby on the day is a big fear of mine.  I know these things can't be helped, but his brother would obviously not be able to be my FI's best man. I would be heart broken if my twin sister weren't able to be in the wedding. It just seems like a roll of the dice, and I don't know if either of them will use their wedding day attire, if their baby came late. I understand that he has his new family, but I can't imagine how sad my Fi will feel not having his best man. I would be happy for them, but I would be upset for my FH
    According to one of your prior posts, you said, " As far as shopping goes, I want the bridesmaids to get their own wedding dresses. And whatever I decide, I will definitely do it before then."

    Since you have not purchased the dresses yet, there is time to remedy this situation. Because the size, as well as attendance of your FSIL, is absolutely unpredictable at this time, just tell her the color the dress she needs to wear.    She can wait until her last few weeks to purchase a dress from a department store.  If she is able to attend, she has something suitable that fits.  If she is no longer able to attend, there is no loss as she will be able to return the dress.

    melbelleup
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    dmyrick78 said:
    To me her having the baby on the day is a big fear of mine.  I know these things can't be helped, but his brother would obviously not be able to be my FI's best man. I would be heart broken if my twin sister weren't able to be in the wedding. It just seems like a roll of the dice, and I don't know if either of them will use their wedding day attire, if their baby came late. I understand that he has his new family, but I can't imagine how sad my Fi will feel not having his best man. I would be happy for them, but I would be upset for my FH
    Again this is something out of your control.  If she goes into labor on your wedding day then she goes into labor.  It is not the end of the world but rather something to be excited about.

    And yeah your FI may be a bit bummed that his brother won't be able to attend since his wife is having a kid but I am sure the fact that he will be an uncle will trump the "oh shucks" feeling.

    It really sounds like you are pissed at this couple for getting pregnant and her being due around your wedding day.  It sounds like you wanted to be the only one who had something big going on because after 12 years you deserve it.   But you need to get over it or risk looking like a huge selfish bitch to your soon to be family.

    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
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