Etiquette

bridesmaid dilemma

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Re: bridesmaid dilemma

  • I forgot to add that my sister is having her 4th baby this mid-July!  We are going to have an October 4th wedding because that seemed to work best for her and she is my best friend so it worked for me.  My FI and I have been on and off for 11 years but the bulk of them on, we are finally getting married and it is a DREAM come true.  My sister will have a 3 month old, so that idea I gave you about her walking the baby down the isle is what we are 'planning' on doing for my sister because she is my MOH. I think it will be super sweet and I cannot wait to see pictures of that sweet moment!!! I think my sister's H will hold the baby and be ready to run out in case he/she starts crying. LOL
  • I forgot to add that my sister is having her 4th baby this mid-July!  We are going to have an October 4th wedding because that seemed to work best for her and she is my best friend so it worked for me.  My FI and I have been on and off for 11 years but the bulk of them on, we are finally getting married and it is a DREAM come true.  My sister will have a 3 month old, so that idea I gave you about her walking the baby down the isle is what we are 'planning' on doing for my sister because she is my MOH. I think it will be super sweet and I cannot wait to see pictures of that sweet moment!!! I think my sister's H will hold the baby and be ready to run out in case he/she starts crying. LOL
  • If I found out that someone close enough to me to be in my wedding party was due to give birth around my wedding date, I'd give them options.

    Bring the baby, or get someone to stay home with it.
    Wear a dress, wear a suit, wear a bloody bin bag.
    Set up a Skype for someone to vid-link the ceremony.
    Set up a stand-alone screen to breast feed behind.
    Come if you can, don't if you can't.

    Oh, and a big fat heartfelt congratulations.

    I don't see really how anything drastically has to change...?
    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledoreaurorajanette
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    Erikan73 said:

    Assuming she hasn't gone and bought her BM dress yet, before she does, talk to her and let her know that you are excited for her (which you are) and you just wanted to make sure that given her due date and your wedding date if she still wanted to be a BM, because you understand with possibly having a week old baby it would be a lot to ask of her to do BM duties (photos, standing up at the church) with a baby that new. You don't want her to go through the expense of getting the dress, etc if it's asking too much of her to be a BM given her due date. She can always be guest and she will probably still need to bring the baby, but being a guest instead of BM may make it easier. I'm sure you can find a nice tactful way to put it to her, better then I am wording it. Depending on how difficult her pregency and/or delivery is, she may not be ready to leave the house in time for your wedding, or want to take the baby out in public about it. Give her some time to enjoy the excitement, but talk to her before she buys the dress. If she feels she still wants to be BM, I'm sure she will find someone to take care of the baby. But just be prepared that she may go last minute, I'm sorry but I can't come. Heck she could go past her due date and end up going into labor the day before or the day of your wedding. In that case neither her or the GM will be there. Will you miss them? Of course, but just remember, them being there isn't going to stop you and your FI from being able to get married and in the end of the day that's what matters.


    You sound nuts, but for what it's worth so does your friend. I barely wanted to leave the house for WEEKS after my daughter was born - and really only did to go to doctor's appointments. I'd be bowing out if I were her, and reasonably so.


    That said, let her worry about it and stop trying to' make her decisions for her.

    Just in case the OP comes back or for future reference for others, don't count on this.  Yea, some women are this way, but there are also women who are up and running days after giving birth.  I know a woman who was in the exact situation of your sister.  She had her baby ten days before the wedding and was in the gym three days later and worked out like crazy in order to get in shape to fit into her BM dress for her sister's wedding.

  • OP good luck

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    PrettyGirlLostKPBM89
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl
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    My baby shopped at Bloomingdales at ten days old. This OP seems not to be in touch with reality.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    @PrettyGirlLost said.......When everyone became pregnant with all these little munchkins, I was happy for the parents because they wanted to have kids, and I prayed that they would all have comfortable, healthy pregnancies and babies, but I wasn't really excited about the babies.  I love children, toddlers and up, but I'm not into babies, I just never have been.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense because a child must first be a baby, and how can I like children but not babies, but I hope you all can get what I am trying to articulate.

    It's tough to be a woman who isn't all that into babies.

    PGL, I actually understand this completely.  My point of view is two fold.  My first personal assumption is that I must have a subconscious level of selfishness.  I always assumed I was not a fan of babies because (from my POV) they don't/can't really give much back to you in the first few months of life.  Babies start to "grow" on me by month 3 or so, but before that.......meh.  My other "issue" is that I tend to be very organized, structured, and routine in my daily activities.  Those three concepts/attitudes are almost impossible to maintain in the first several weeks of life.  I was able to "go with the flow" with the nuances of my babies, but I was always left with some inner chaos because the rest of my world felt so out of control.  Because of that, it was very difficult to enjoy those first weeks.

    Many of my friends lived for those first few months.  They were content (and able) to sleep when the babies slept, ignore laundry and cleaning, and focus on nothing but the baby.  The downfall for me was the lack of sleep.  I tried to play "catch up" like a madman when the babies slept.  Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

    Also, PGL, your other POV......."Some people are not that into children, do not like children, don't want to have children, etc. and so the birth of a child, even a niece or a nephew, isn't really that big a deal to them or cause for personal excitement.", is also well taken.  However, there was barely one note of compassion or concern for the adults in this scenario either.  OP's issue is clearly much more than face value.

    @Chemfanatic....I also agree that we will probably not hear from the OP anymore.  I do hope, however, that she is lurking and reading this thread, and giving it all some serious thought.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart
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    edited January 2014
    OP, I'm really annoyed right now bc I'm finding myself in agreement with PP's and I'm usually the one in total disagreement around here to the point I want to jump up and down and pull out my hair. What is it you want exactly? Was it just to vent? Because there are no viable options here. Your bridesmaid is knocked up as chuck. She's most likely not going to be able to attend if you throw down a NO BABIES fatwa. Chances are neither will your best man bc he's baby daddy and will stand by his family that he had the unmitigated gall to start without first consulting with your BF of 12 years in case a wedding was finally in the cards! Your FI refuses to change the date. You then go on to sound all sulky because "as long as her wedding was perfect you guess that's all that matters." Ugh. Maybe it's my lousy mood bc I'm sick, but seriously? Is this even a thing? I don't care for babies either. I wouldn't want one at my wedding. But that's the thing about pregnant people, they have an uncanny way of having babies. Now if you can't postpone your long-awaited self-proclaimed "special day" YOU have some decisions to make.  You can explain your position and let the new parents figure it out or you can suck it up and hope the kid doesn't do anything gross or loud for the few hours it's lucky enough to be in attendance of your special day. 

    ETA: because either I can't spell or autocorrect hates me.

    Amyzen83ChemFanatic25PrettyGirlLost
  • Yeah I'm with @STBMrsEverhart on this one. OP if you're still lurking, I don't like kids. They make me uncomfortable and I think all babies are ugly (sorry but that's how I feel). If my best friend had a kid though I wouldn't be whining about how it effects my perfect day I have been waiting so many years for because she can't fit into the dress I picked out. In my mind, I would most likely let her bring the baby, unless it was several months old, but you don't have to do that. 

    What you should do is be happy for your FBIL and FSIL, know that whatever happens you are still marrying the love of your life and move on. I believe your FH didn't postpone the wedding because he knows not everything is perfect no matter what you do and he probably has been waiting for this day just as long as you and just wants to marry you. He just wants to be married to you. At least I hope this is the case since he proposed to you and all.
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    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    mobkaz said:
    @PrettyGirlLost said.......When everyone became pregnant with all these little munchkins, I was happy for the parents because they wanted to have kids, and I prayed that they would all have comfortable, healthy pregnancies and babies, but I wasn't really excited about the babies.  I love children, toddlers and up, but I'm not into babies, I just never have been.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense because a child must first be a baby, and how can I like children but not babies, but I hope you all can get what I am trying to articulate.

    It's tough to be a woman who isn't all that into babies.

    PGL, I actually understand this completely.  My point of view is two fold.  My first personal assumption is that I must have a subconscious level of selfishness.  I always assumed I was not a fan of babies because (from my POV) they don't/can't really give much back to you in the first few months of life.  Babies start to "grow" on me by month 3 or so, but before that.......meh.  My other "issue" is that I tend to be very organized, structured, and routine in my daily activities.  Those three concepts/attitudes are almost impossible to maintain in the first several weeks of life.  I was able to "go with the flow" with the nuances of my babies, but I was always left with some inner chaos because the rest of my world felt so out of control.  Because of that, it was very difficult to enjoy those first weeks.

    Many of my friends lived for those first few months.  They were content (and able) to sleep when the babies slept, ignore laundry and cleaning, and focus on nothing but the baby.  The downfall for me was the lack of sleep.  I tried to play "catch up" like a madman when the babies slept.  Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

    Also, PGL, your other POV......."Some people are not that into children, do not like children, don't want to have children, etc. and so the birth of a child, even a niece or a nephew, isn't really that big a deal to them or cause for personal excitement.", is also well taken.  However, there was barely one note of compassion or concern for the adults in this scenario either.  OP's issue is clearly much more than face value.

    @Chemfanatic....I also agree that we will probably not hear from the OP anymore.  I do hope, however, that she is lurking and reading this thread, and giving it all some serious thought.
    Oh yes, I agree.  My comments weren't so much related to the OP of this thread, as I think she is behaving selfishly and irrationally.  I just wanted to get a different perspective out there that not everyone is excited about babies, even if they are your relatives.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Amyzen83
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    OP, I'm really annoyed right now bc I'm finding myself in agreement with PP's and I'm usually the one in total disagreement around here to the point I want to jump up and down and pull out my hair. What is it you want exactly? Was it just to vent? Because there are no viable options here. Your bridesmaid is knocked up as chuck. She's most likely not going to be able to attend if you throw down a NO BABIES fatwa. Chances are neither will your best man bc he's baby daddy and will stand by his family that he had the unmitigated gall to start without first consulting with your BF of 12 years in case a wedding was finally in the cards! Your FI refuses to change the date. You then go on to sound all sulky because "as long as her wedding was perfect you guess that's all that matters." Ugh. Maybe it's my lousy mood bc I'm sick, but seriously? Is this even a thing? I don't care for babies either. I wouldn't want one at my wedding. But that's the thing about pregnant people, they have an uncanny way of having babies. Now if you can't postpone your long-awaited self-proclaimed "special day" YOU have some decisions to make.  You can explain your position and let the new parents figure it out or you can suck it up and hope the kid doesn't do anything gross or loud for the few hours it's lucky enough to be in attendance of your special day. 

    ETA: because either I can't spell or autocorrect hates me.
    Hahaha, this made me giggle!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Amyzen83KittyKaty20
  • dmyrick78 said:

    I am happy for my friend, I have baked her all sorts of goodies, when i found out she was pregnant.  I have just been to several weddings where there was an inconsolable baby or child, and  I would never want that at my wedding. I guess I have to allow babies at the wedding, and suck it up. As long as her wedding went seamlessly, I guess that's all that matters.

    You sound like a childish brat. I'm starting to get confused over who the actual baby is in this situation.
  • Since I despise the OP and have no qualms about jacking her thread...for those who have had children, is it truly impossible to leave a newborn at home? What if you pump ahead of time for the weekend? I ask because I'm MOH in a wedding on September 13th and I recently found out I'm pregnant and due August 28th (oops!). The wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. So I'm just trying to figure out how to work this logistically.
    banana468JCbride2015KittyKaty20HisGirlFriday13
  • Erikan73 said:

    Assuming she hasn't gone and bought her BM dress yet, before she does, talk to her and let her know that you are excited for her (which you are) and you just wanted to make sure that given her due date and your wedding date if she still wanted to be a BM, because you understand with possibly having a week old baby it would be a lot to ask of her to do BM duties (photos, standing up at the church) with a baby that new. You don't want her to go through the expense of getting the dress, etc if it's asking too much of her to be a BM given her due date. She can always be guest and she will probably still need to bring the baby, but being a guest instead of BM may make it easier. I'm sure you can find a nice tactful way to put it to her, better then I am wording it. Depending on how difficult her pregency and/or delivery is, she may not be ready to leave the house in time for your wedding, or want to take the baby out in public about it. Give her some time to enjoy the excitement, but talk to her before she buys the dress. If she feels she still wants to be BM, I'm sure she will find someone to take care of the baby. But just be prepared that she may go last minute, I'm sorry but I can't come. Heck she could go past her due date and end up going into labor the day before or the day of your wedding. In that case neither her or the GM will be there. Will you miss them? Of course, but just remember, them being there isn't going to stop you and your FI from being able to get married and in the end of the day that's what matters.


    You sound nuts, but for what it's worth so does your friend. I barely wanted to leave the house for WEEKS after my daughter was born - and really only did to go to doctor's appointments. I'd be bowing out if I were her, and reasonably so.


    That said, let her worry about it and stop trying to' make her decisions for her.

    Just in case the OP comes back or for future reference for others, don't count on this.  Yea, some women are this way, but there are also women who are up and running days after giving birth.  I know a woman who was in the exact situation of your sister.  She had her baby ten days before the wedding and was in the gym three days later and worked out like crazy in order to get in shape to fit into her BM dress for her sister's wedding.

    Yikes that is very unhealthy behavior. My doctor didn't even clear me to walk around the neighborhood for 3 weeks. (With no complications.)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Amyzen83[Deleted User]
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma
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    Since I despise the OP and have no qualms about jacking her thread...for those who have had children, is it truly impossible to leave a newborn at home? What if you pump ahead of time for the weekend? I ask because I'm MOH in a wedding on September 13th and I recently found out I'm pregnant and due August 28th (oops!). The wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. So I'm just trying to figure out how to work this logistically.

    It really depends on the mom, birth, baby, etc. my doctor asked me not to pump for three weeks after she was born. And breast feeding is really hard at first. She's got it down now but we had a lot of struggles for about a month.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    Since I despise the OP and have no qualms about jacking her thread...for those who have had children, is it truly impossible to leave a newborn at home? What if you pump ahead of time for the weekend? I ask because I'm MOH in a wedding on September 13th and I recently found out I'm pregnant and due August 28th (oops!). The wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. So I'm just trying to figure out how to work this logistically.
    It truly is up to each individual.  As others have said, nursing the first few weeks is uncomfortable and "experimental" for both mother and baby.  I honestly cannot imagine using a pump on tender breasts those first few weeks.  There is no way to determine what your production will be or how often your baby will need to nurse.  So much depends on the health of the mother and the health and size of your baby.  My son also absolutely refused a bottle.  I tried every trick in the book.  He was nursed exclusively for about 8 months and went right to a cup.

    I did attend a local wedding when my son was about 8 weeks old.  I had an incredible family support system.  Not only did my sister in law offer to baby sit, but my folks offered to drive my son to the reception venue so I could nurse him.  It gave my husband and I enough time to attend the ceremony and enjoy dinner.  Honestly, I didn't have the energy for much else!

    Congratulations on your pregnancy, Jenniferurs!  I wish you a safe and unremarkable pregnancy!
    Amyzen83jenniferursKittyKaty20AshleyNicole1218
  • Since I despise the OP and have no qualms about jacking her thread...for those who have had children, is it truly impossible to leave a newborn at home? What if you pump ahead of time for the weekend? I ask because I'm MOH in a wedding on September 13th and I recently found out I'm pregnant and due August 28th (oops!). The wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. So I'm just trying to figure out how to work this logistically.
    Congratulations!   You're a day behind me!

    I will tell you that you have a few issues in your way:
    1) It's uncommon to deliver on your due date and first pregnancies often go beyond the 40 week mark.   If you have a low-intervention OB practice, you could go until Sept 11th (to 42 weeks) without induction.

    2) Even if you go early (assuming you deliver as early as 38 weeks), your baby will still only be 4 weeks old.   At that point, baby is still feeding every 2-3 hours if nursed and your sleep will be rather similar.    

    3) Pumping is an absolute pain.   Lugging the pump, the horns, the flanges, bottles, and nipples and finding a place that you can go and plug in is a bigger pain.    Unfortunately I had latch issues with DD so I pretty much pumped exclusively until we pumped and supplemented but it was not fun or nearly as discrete as nursing.

    My advice: Enjoy your pregnancy and make no plans for baby at this time.   It's far too early to make or assume a thing since every pregnancy and every baby is different.   It may be very easy or you could be miserable.   (I'll be honest.   It took  me at least a month to like my baby and to feel like I liked being a mother even though I was loving pregnancy and the concept for those 40 weeks).     Don't put pressure on yourself.   The priority for you is to be a good mom to that baby and if a wedding - ONE DAY is something that doesn't work out well for you, relax and drink a beer.   It increases milk supply too!


    To the OP, I'm all for saying you want an adult event.   However the way you phrase your statements and your sympathy for your FBIL and FSIL make me question if you're mature enough to enter into a lifetime commitment.   The sense of entitlement you have is absolutely appalling and if you're real, I hope reality gives you a swift kick in an orifice. 
    MobKazRebeccaB88jenniferursKittyKaty20
  • @jenniferurs ;  Being a very pro breastfeeding person I'd advice against pumping and giving a bottle to a baby that young. 1) Pumping is not this easy thing 2) Unless you pump around the clock (every 2-3 hours) you're unlikely to get more than an ounce or so total over a couple of days. This obviously isn't enough for a baby and takes away from her actual nursing 3) Introducing a bottle that early can cause baby to refuse the breast. Most babies can go back and forth without a problem but it's not worth the risk if you don't have to do it.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • My son first went out at four days old.

    I breasted exclusively until 5 months, then started introducing a bottle.

    No one can tell you to pump, it's a very personal decision.
    You might not be able to pump.
    You may not want to introduce a bottle for one day.
    Baby may refuse a bottle.

    It's all totally personal, and you won't know for sure until baby's here.

    Having said that, there's nothing to stop you taking baby out, breast feeding whilst out, et cetera... Again, it's all personal choice based on what you feel is best for baby.

    Congratulations :)
    Amyzen83jenniferurs
  • To everyone who has something negative about me, and my desire to not have kids at my wedding, I am sorry. I did not know that it was poor ettiquette to not have infants at your wedding.  My first experience with a child at an inappropriate place was at a funeral.  This baby was kicking the coffin of my deceased step-father and the mother was doing NOTHING to stop it.  Babies are only as good as their parents determine that they are, and being that the parents are both in the wedding party, that means the parents won't even be attending to their child.  I know it is hard for a new mom to pump, especially so soon after delivering, that is why I asked.  I will be talking to my venue to see if there is a place to put the babies, so the mothers can nurse in peace, and they will be in a quiet place if they get cranky. Personally, If it were me, I would have brought the issue up with the bride to make sure accommodations could be made for my child, but if I had a child that was a few days old, I would more often than not, decline standing up in the wedding, as I have a newborn.  Some people aren't me and they are okay with bringing a baby in public so  soon after giving birth.  This is why I came to this board. To see if I am being ridiculous, or not. The baby will be invited, i will have to make arrangements.  I apologize for any nastiness some people may have perceived. I may have jealousy issues, because while I have always been respectful of everyone else, no one seems to be courteous to me, which I was just asking for a conversation and to figure out what to do.  I still do not want children at the wedding, but the buns will be getting an invitation, once they are born.
  • auriannaaurianna
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    edited January 2014
    dmyrick78 said:
    To everyone who has something negative about me, and my desire to not have kids at my wedding, I am sorry. I did not know that it was poor ettiquette to not have infants at your wedding.  My first experience with a child at an inappropriate place was at a funeral.  This baby was kicking the coffin of my deceased step-father and the mother was doing NOTHING to stop it.  Babies are only as good as their parents determine that they are, and being that the parents are both in the wedding party, that means the parents won't even be attending to their child.  I know it is hard for a new mom to pump, especially so soon after delivering, that is why I asked.  I will be talking to my venue to see if there is a place to put the babies, so the mothers can nurse in peace, and they will be in a quiet place if they get cranky. Personally, If it were me, I would have brought the issue up with the bride to make sure accommodations could be made for my child, but if I had a child that was a few days old, I would more often than not, decline standing up in the wedding, as I have a newborn.  Some people aren't me and they are okay with bringing a baby in public so  soon after giving birth.  This is why I came to this board. To see if I am being ridiculous, or not. The baby will be invited, i will have to make arrangements.  I apologize for any nastiness some people may have perceived. I may have jealousy issues, because while I have always been respectful of everyone else, no one seems to be courteous to me, which I was just asking for a conversation and to figure out what to do.  I still do not want children at the wedding, but the buns will be getting an invitation, once they are born.

    I'm not sure you're grasping what we're saying.

    Almost no one here has said it's rude not to invite the baby. Not inviting the baby is not rude. Many of the women here did not invite children to their wedding, myself included.

    Your decision to have a child-free wedding was not a rude one.


    What we are saying is that the mother-to-be had no obligation to talk to you about her baby and the needed accommodations prior to her getting pregnant, nor should your wedding be anything she needs to worry about a this point in time. She's going to be a mother; your wedding, or anyone else's wedding, is not at the top of her priority list, nor should it be.
    It's quite possible that closer to your wedding she'd talk logistics with you, but you can't blame her for not talking to you about it his far out.

    And what we are also saying is it's very likely that if you do not invite the baby, one or both of your wedding party members won't make it to the wedding. It's not because of anything that either of you did wrong; it's just the way things work out sometimes.


    If you do not want to invite these babies, you do not have to. It would not be rude for you not to. We're just saying that you should consider the consequences and decide what's most important (there is no "right answer." just whatever is most right for you and your FI)
    PrettyGirlLostcrunchymamaof2
  • edited January 2014
    I can understand if she could not make it, as she might be feeling terrible.  But her husband's attendance is important.  And I would do all in my power to make sure he came, even cave on the no kids policy.  My twin sister is my one person who has been with me my whole life before I met my FH. I know I would feel devastated if she could not make it, and I know my groom would feel the same if his best man could not make it. I am not saying my FSIL should have asked me to get pregnant, but let me know if she can stand up in the wedding at all, or if the baby will need special arrangements. It is best to know before the day comes, so I am prepared and she does not have to nurse in a bathroom stall.  I am okay with mom's nursing, just so everyone knows.  But new moms can be really shy about it, especially if they haven't gotten it down pat, yet and they have to make sure the baby latches on.  I thank everyone who commented on my post, even if it was negative.  I did not know proper etiquette, I just knew what I would do, if I were having a baby so soon to a wedding I was standing up in. But it was good to know proper etiquette before I made the mistake of approaching her and putting a strain on my relationship with my new family.  I will just do everything in my power to make sure the day goes smoothly for her and for me, and if she wants to talk to me about it, the arrangements for the buns will all ready be taken care of.  Apologize for my bridezilla moment.  I think it was a lot of other issues that made this issue seem bigger than what it was. I know no bride gets a perfect day, but between past physical attack from his cousin who is still invited to the wedding, and my father refusing to attend my wedding, the other smaller hiccups seemed to get a little overwhelming. Nothing like a wedding can make you lose control.  Lol.  I will be glad when the day is over and we are married.  I know that sounds disrespectful to our wedding, but big parties tend to create a lot of stress.  The babies are not the source of my stress, I was just redirecting my anger with the bigger issues.
    Amyzen83
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    dmyrick78 said:
    I can understand if she could not make it, as she might be feeling terrible.  But her husband's attendance is important.  And I would do all in my power to make sure he came, even cave on the no kids policy.  My twin sister is my one person who has been with me my whole life before I met my FH. I know I would feel devastated if she could not make it, and I know my groom would feel the same if his best man could not make it. I am not saying my FSIL should have asked me to get pregnant, but let me know if she can stand up in the wedding at all, or if the baby will need special arrangements. It is best to know before the day comes, so I am prepared and she does not have to nurse in a bathroom stall.  I am okay with mom's nursing, just so everyone knows.  But new moms can be really shy about it, especially if they haven't gotten it down pat, yet and they have to make sure the baby latches on.  I thank everyone who commented on my post, even if it was negative.  I did not know proper etiquette, I just knew what I would do, if I were having a baby so soon to a wedding I was standing up in. But it was good to know proper etiquette before I made the mistake of approaching her and putting a strain on my relationship with my new family.  I will just do everything in my power to make sure the day goes smoothly for her and for me, and if she wants to talk to me about it, the arrangements for the buns will all ready be taken care of.  Apologize for my bridezilla moment.  I think it was a lot of other issues that made this issue seem bigger than what it was. I know no bride gets a perfect day, but between past physical attack from his cousin who is still invited to the wedding, and my father refusing to attend my wedding, the other smaller hiccups seemed to get a little overwhelming. Nothing like a wedding can make you lose control.  Lol.  I will be glad when the day is over and we are married.  I know that sounds disrespectful to our wedding, but big parties tend to create a lot of stress.  The babies are not the source of my stress, I was just redirecting my anger with the bigger issues.
    I think you're on the right track.  To the bolded, she probably can't tell you whether she will be able to stand up.  Some women have easy pregnancies and feel great very shortly after.  Others have really difficult pregnancies and have to be hospitalized for a few days or longer after the birth.  Some babies are easier than others.

    She would probably feel terrible (and I'm guessing you would too) if she backed out of the wedding and then the baby comes a week or two early, it's a smooth easy birth and she feels great by the time the wedding rolls around.

  • I think you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. It IS YOUR day--this is the one time in your life that it WILL be about you, because after this day, you will have kids (if you choose to) and your life will be about them, it will be about your husband, it will be about your job. ENJOY this one day you get to have be about you and your new husband.  I too have friends coming to my wedding who may or may not be pregnant or have a young baby and they know that children are not invited to and they have told me they will make arrangements. I have family coming from out of state with young children and they are bringing them up, but have already made arrangements with friends to watch them the night of the wedding. 

    If your friend has her baby and decides she cannot be at your wedding, then that is her decision, and no one can fault her for it-newborns need their mothers. If it comes down to breastfeeding being the issue, I work with several nurses on my unit who slip away throughout the day to pump breast milk. If you think she may be open to it, ask her if she might try pumping. I'm sure it's a real pain, but in the end it is going to be up to her with that she is comfortable dealing with.  Maybe her mother or her husband's mother wouldn't mind watching the newborn--especially since they have experience in raising children, her mind should be at ease.
  • edited January 2014
    I think you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. It IS YOUR day--this is the one time in your life that it WILL be about you, because after this day, you will have kids (if you choose to) and your life will be about them, it will be about your husband, it will be about your job. ENJOY this one day you get to have be about you and your new husband.  I too have friends coming to my wedding who may or may not be pregnant or have a young baby and they know that children are not invited to and they have told me they will make arrangements. I have family coming from out of state with young children and they are bringing them up, but have already made arrangements with friends to watch them the night of the wedding. 

    If your friend has her baby and decides she cannot be at your wedding, then that is her decision, and no one can fault her for it-newborns need their mothers. If it comes down to breastfeeding being the issue, I work with several nurses on my unit who slip away throughout the day to pump breast milk. If you think she may be open to it, ask her if she might try pumping. I'm sure it's a real pain, but in the end it is going to be up to her with that she is comfortable dealing with.  Maybe her mother or her husband's mother wouldn't mind watching the newborn--especially since they have experience in raising children, her mind should be at ease.
    Wedding stop becoming ALL ABOUT YOU when you invite other people. Presumably, the people you invite to YOUR SPECIAL DAY are your nearest & dearest, and as such they should be treated with respect. The OP started this entire post by expressing her disappointment that her BM didn't even consider her role in the wedding prior to getting pregnant. THAT is pure immaturity and disrespect, and the fact that she's getting married does NOT justify such nonsense.

    OP, hopefully you find an arrangement that works out best for you and your new family. Again, unless your FI has explicitly told you that he will feel very depressed about the absence of his best man, don't invent emotions for him that you are relying on to justify your attitude about it. If the baby is born and the best man has to back out, then so be it. I doubt your FI will be miserable about it, because it won't stop him from marrying you and that is truly the most important thing that needs to take place in order for your wedding to be successful. If I were in your shoes, I would give the expecting BM the option of showing up on time, in her dress, if she feels up to it that day and play everything else by ear. Don't let circumstances outside of your control drive you crazy, that's wasted energy!

    ETA: I don't suggest taking lindseyfera's advice about asking her about pumping, or babysitting, or anything that relates her baby to your wedding. It just puts more pressure on her to come up with a "solution" to the "problem" of how having a baby is going to affect her role in the wedding. She shouldn't be pressured at all to come up with a plan to still be in your wedding; either she will or she won't. The most you should do is let her know whether or not space will be available for her to take care of what she needs to take care of, if SHE decides to attend. 
    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83jenniferursAshleyNicole1218
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    dmyrick78 said:
    I can understand if she could not make it, as she might be feeling terrible.  But her husband's attendance is importantThat's fine, but you and your FI need to be prepared in case both he and his wife cannot be in the wedding any more and can't attend due to the birth of their 1st child.  As others have mentioned, she may have complications with her pregnancy, she may deliver early, she may deliver late, she may be due on your wedding day.  If she has the baby within a few days or the week of your wedding I wouldn't expect either parent to be there. . . they are going to be busy with their child who might be colicky, a fussy eater, etc.  Or maybe the husband can get away for a few hours to attend your ceremony, or maybe they can both come with the baby.  It just all depends on a lot of things and you can't try to plan for anything this far out.  And I would do all in my power to make sure he came, even cave on the no kids policy.  My twin sister is my one person who has been with me my whole life before I met my FH. I know I would feel devastated if she could not make it, and I know my groom would feel the same if his best man could not make it. I am not saying my FSIL should have asked me to get pregnant, but let me know if she can stand up in the wedding at all, or if the baby will need special arrangements. No one can know this until your wedding rolls around.  No one can really predict these sort of things.  It is best to know before the day comes, so I am prepared and she does not have to nurse in a bathroom stallFigure out nursing accommodations for her now anyways, on the off chance that she can attend.  I am okay with mom's nursing, just so everyone knows.  But new moms can be really shy about it, especially if they haven't gotten it down pat, yet and they have to make sure the baby latches on.  I thank everyone who commented on my post, even if it was negative.  I did not know proper etiquette, I just knew what I would do, if I were having a baby so soon to a wedding I was standing up in. But it was good to know proper etiquette before I made the mistake of approaching her and putting a strain on my relationship with my new family.  I will just do everything in my power to make sure the day goes smoothly for her and for me, and if she wants to talk to me about it, the arrangements for the buns will all ready be taken care of.  Apologize for my bridezilla moment.  Good for you, good attitude! I think it was a lot of other issues that made this issue seem bigger than what it was. I know no bride gets a perfect day, but between past physical attack from his cousin who is still invited to the wedding, and my father refusing to attend my wedding, the other smaller hiccups seemed to get a little overwhelming. Nothing like a wedding can make you lose control.  Lol.  I will be glad when the day is over and we are married.  I know that sounds disrespectful to our wedding, but big parties tend to create a lot of stress.  The babies are not the source of my stress, I was just redirecting my anger with the bigger issues. I'm sorry, but I am glad you recognize this now.  I hope you have a really lovely wedding day.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Amyzen83
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    I think you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. It IS YOUR day--this is the one time in your life that it WILL be about you, because after this day, you will have kids (if you choose to) and your life will be about them, it will be about your husband, it will be about your job. ENJOY this one day you get to have be about you and your new husband. 
    Sorry, but this mindset doesn't go over well here at all.

    Your wedding day is NOT your day, or your FI's day.  It ceases being YOUR day when you invite family and friends to witness your marriage and celebrate it with you.

    The wedding ceremony is the only portion of the wedding day where all the focus is on the bride and groom. 

    Contrary to popular belief and what the wedding industry tries to feed you, the reception is not held in honor of the bride and groom.  They are guests of honor of a sort, but the reception is actually thrown for the guests.  It is when the hosts (used to be the bride's parents, but now commonly the B&G themselves) and the bride and groom "receive" their guests and thank them for witnessing their wedding ceremony and celebrating and supporting their new marriage with them.

    Therefore, once you hit the reception it ceases to be YOUR day and all about you.  At that point the day is also about your guests.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    JCbride2015Amyzen83
  • @LoveLee2014--I think your post is a great idea for OP!!! Super cute idea!! And no one has to really worry about anything!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    dmyrick78 said:
    I know no bride gets a perfect day, but between past physical attack from his cousin who is still invited to the wedding, and my father refusing to attend my wedding, the other smaller hiccups seemed to get a little overwhelming.

    So wait, you are being forced to invite someone who has physically attacked you?  That should not be happening.  I don't care if this cousin is the Queen of England, you should not be forced to invite her.  There should a be a come to Jesus meeting with FI over this.  You should not have to tolerate anyone who has physically assaulted you on your wedding day or any other day, for that matter.

    Also, I recommend talking more about your father here.  There are some great ladies here who have had to deal with the exact same thing.

    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83
  • I haven't read all the replies here, but I just want to point out that it is possible your bridesmaid will end up with a c-section or a baby in NICU, in which case she won't be able to or won't want to come anyway. Regardless, there is no way in hell I would have wanted to even attend a wedding a week after giving birth, let a lone have to stuff my post-partum body into some fancy dress and walk down the aisle while hundreds of people look at me.

    It sounds like your friend has no idea what having a new baby will be like. You know what, though? That's hers to figure out.  All you can do is plan according to what she is telling you she thinks will happen. Just be prepared for her to not be there. It's not a huge deal, really. It might even be nice for you to say something to her like, "I'm so happy that you want to stand up for me at my wedding. But I want you to know that I support you as an expectant mother. It's ok if you change your mind. It's ok if you decide you would rather just come as a guest or if you decide you can't come at all. And it's ok if you change your mind at the last minute. It's only one day, you know?"

    But you have to mean it if you're going to say anything like that.
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