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Etiquette

UPDATE: She legitimately thinks she is a bridesmaid

mrsbananymrsbanany member
100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited January 2014 in Etiquette
So last night I went out with one of my really old friends. We were friends in high school, lost contact during college, but then she moved back home after she graduated and we have been talking very casually since she got back, seeing each other about once a month.  Last night she kept asking me about what I wanted for the wedding, my vision and other typical questions that people ask.  She is one of those people who likes to involve herself in everything, so I hold back from telling much about the wedding, I am very vague. But last night she was asking what my wedding colors are and I told her I hadn't decided yet and she says "oh, let me know when you do so I can buy a dress".  I let her know that she didn't have to wear a coordinating color, she could wear whatever she wanted. She ignores this and says "what are you envisioning for the BMs dresses". I told her again, I am only having a MOH and my FI's sister, we are keeping the WP very small so they can wear whatever they want. But she did not let up the entire night and started asking me what I wanted for my bachelorette party and saying how she is going to hold my dress when I pee and has been reading up on typical BM duties.  I just ignored it and changed the subject.

We were never very close friends and I was originally not even going to invite her to the wedding.  But she keeps saying how excited she is to go because she was there the day I met my FI.  So I figured that I would just invite her and let her be excited for the wedding.  But now she is pretty adamant about being in the WP, despite the numerous times I have told her our WP will be the MOH, BM, and then family. She doesn't really ask, she just assumes that she is in the WP and talks to me like I should be giving her all these WP instructions, it's weird. I thought about giving her a "job" like holding hairspray, lip gloss or something so that she feels important and involved in the wedding. I feel like that is rude though, she is an adult not a child and I shouldn't have to think of busy work for her to do. Should I straight up tell her she isn't a BM? I don't want to upset her when she is so excited for the wedding but at the same time I think her excitement is a little strange because we aren't that close.

ETA: grammar

UPDATE: I told my FI about this and he is very disturbed by this whole situation.  Also, I got a text from her today asking if there was anything I was looking forward to hearing in her speech... Anyway, my FI is now insisting that she be removed from the guest list. Which I am totally not opposed to because, like I said earlier, I wasn't going to invite her in the first place.  Any suggestions on what I do now? I never explicitly said she was invited or anything that would make her believe she would be, this was another thing that she assumed just like being in the WP. FI said I should just tell her that we are not able to invite friends due to our large families, but that is a lie and I do not like lying to people. I have asked for advice from my MOH and my mom and both have just laughed and said "good luck".  Any suggestions are so appreciated. 
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Re: UPDATE: She legitimately thinks she is a bridesmaid

  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    She seems like she might be a little obsessed. I would honestly have no clue what to do in this situation, she seems bananas and it would make me super uncomfortable.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • Uncomfortable is the perfect word to describe my feeling about this whole thing. 
    happymellow
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree that the best way to handle this is going to involve mostly not talking about the wedding, and then when you DO talk about it, slip into the conversation how other people (aka not her) will be helping.

    I also think you need to tell her, straight up, that she is not in the wedding party. You can be as blunt as you need to be, but try to be as kind as possible. "Friend, I think we need to talk about the wedding. I appreciate how interested you are, and how much you want to help out, and I'm very happy that you're going to be there to celebrate with me. However, these things you've been asking to help with [example example example] are not things that we will be asking guests to help with. Those are things that our families and our wedding party will be helping with. I don't want to upset you, but I didn't feel right letting you mistakenly believe that you're in the wedding party."

    Additionally or alternatively, stop spending so much time with her. Be busy. ACTUALLY be busy (so you're not lying when you blow her off). Very directly refuse to talk about the wedding ("Thank you for asking, but I'd rather not talk about wedding planning").

    Finally, I do not recommend giving her any jobs or asking her for help. You're trying to set a boundary right now (YOU ARE NOT IN THE WEDDING PARTY SO STOP TRYING TO HELP), so asking her to help might seem like a compromise, but is actually giving her permission to cross the boundary and start helping as if she's in the wedding party.
    Anniversary
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    Rebl90mrsbananySheMarie82
  • You tell her, "Oh were actually moving the wedding to Guam. So it's just family only..." Only joking, but seriously, what the heck? If I were you, I would try to keep the wedding details to a minimum like you are, and if she seriously keeps at it, you might just have to be honest with her. 

    I find it odd that she automatically thinks because you hang out once a month, that she is a BM. I wouldn't assume that even from my own sister!
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  • Keep "bean dipping her" as much as you can & do like you plan, invite her as a guest. Don't provide her with details of the reheresal or any details of when or where you are getting ready for your wedding or when you do anything for your dress or with your MOH for her dress. Share some general facts with her about the wedding her like, the food is going to be great!! We just hired our DJ, very excited about that and if she asks for more specifis, just tell her that you want to surprise everyone so you want to keep some of the details to yourself. When she asks about the bridal shower or bachlorette party, just tell her you are leaving it up to the MOH to plan so you aren't making any plans around that. Just give your MOH a heads up about this girl though and that she is not a BM no matter what she says. Then if MOH wants to accept any offers for help, that's up to her as long a MOH knows your position on this girl and your wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't think bean-dipping is going to work. It sounds like you tried that and she didn't get it. You need to sit her down and have a come-to-Jesus conversation with her. Don't put it on yourself (i.e., 'I'm sorry if I led you to believe') because this is all on her. Say to her, 'Look, I think we need to clear up some confusion here. You seem to think you're going to be a bridesmaid. I don't know where you got that idea, since I have told you that it's just my sister and FSIL, but nevertheless, I want to be clear that I am only having two BMs, so while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I really need you to tone it down and back off. You're making me very uncomfortable.' I also wouldn't involve her in any WE activities. If you give her that inch, she will take as many miles as she can get.
    THIS. Don't apologize for something you haven't done wrong. If I were in this position, the next time she said "OMGBRIDESMAIDYAY" I'd just look at her and say "You know, I'm confused as to why you keep talking about being a bridesmaid when I've already told you multiple times I am having my MOH and my FI's sister stand up for me and that's it." That kind of statement usually gets people to STFU. But, I'm not as gracious as most people when annoyed.
    I agree.  If you didn't specifically ask her to be one of your bridesmaids, she does not "legitimately" think she's a bridesmaid.  So I think you need to make that very clear, because unfortunately, bean-dipping and not addressing the subject directly is going over her head and she's not getting it, plus she keeps bringing it up to you.
    aurorajanette
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Plus, not only did you not ask her, you've been dropping some pretty big not-even-really-hints that she's not a bridesmaid.

    I wouldn't worry so much about hurting her feelings at this point.
    Anniversary
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  • I'm with @Phira and @HisGirlFriday13  - they gave you amazing advice, I would follow it
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  • So, I mentioned a crazy friend of a bride being in the wedding to the bride...she told me - "She wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. She found out what the dress was, and then just said "oh I ordered my dress!"" At that point, bride didn't know what to do, and just let her be in the wedding. Crazy still doesn't know she wasn't supposed to be a bridesmaid. Would love for her to find out, cause I can't stand her crazy ass! Ha.
    Anyway, people are nuts. Keep quiet and let the actual MOH and BM know to keep their mouths shut. Send the girl an invite if you want to invite her, but that's it. If she offers a shower, you can decline. Never mention it again!
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    syoun1nj said:
    So, I mentioned a crazy friend of a bride being in the wedding to the bride...she told me - "She wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. She found out what the dress was, and then just said "oh I ordered my dress!"" At that point, bride didn't know what to do, and just let her be in the wedding. Crazy still doesn't know she wasn't supposed to be a bridesmaid. Would love for her to find out, cause I can't stand her crazy ass! Ha.
    Anyway, people are nuts. Keep quiet and let the actual MOH and BM know to keep their mouths shut. Send the girl an invite if you want to invite her, but that's it. If she offers a shower, you can decline. Never mention it again!
    oh goodness. If someone did that to me, I wouldn't uninvite them from the wedding (because I can't control what guests wear), but I sure as hell would think twice before inviting them again. And they would not be in my bridal party. Let her look silly sitting in crowd, not my probelm

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  • So last night I went out with one of my really old friends. We were friends in high school, lost contact during college, but then she moved back home after she graduated and we have been talking very casually since she got back, seeing each other about once a month.  Last night she kept asking me about what I wanted for the wedding, my vision and other typical questions that people ask.  She is one of those people who likes to involve herself in everything, so I hold back from telling much about the wedding, I am very vague. But last night she was asking what my wedding colors are and I told her I hadn't decided yet and she says "oh, let me know when you do so I can buy a dress".  I let her know that she didn't have to wear a coordinating color, she could wear whatever she wanted. She ignores this and says "what are you envisioning for the BMs dresses". I told her again, I am only having a MOH and my FI's sister, we are keeping the WP very small so they can wear whatever they want. But she did not let up the entire night and started asking me what I wanted for my bachelorette party and saying how she is going to hold my dress when I pee and has been reading up on typical BM duties.  I just ignored it and changed the subject.

    We were never very close friends and I was originally not even going to invite her to the wedding.  But she keeps saying how excited she is to go because she was there the day I met my FI.  So I figured that I would just invite her and let her be excited for the wedding.  But now she is pretty adamant about being in the WP, despite the numerous times I have told her our WP will be the MOH, BM, and then family. She doesn't really ask, she just assumes that she is in the WP and talks to me like I should be giving her all these WP instructions, it's weird. I thought about giving her a "job" like holding hairspray, lip gloss or something so that she feels important and involved in the wedding. I feel like that is rude though, she is an adult not a child and I shouldn't have to think of busy work for her to do. Should I straight up tell her she isn't a BM? I don't want to upset her when she is so excited for the wedding but at the same time I think her excitement is a little strange because we aren't that close.

    ETA: grammar
    Are you sure she didn't mean that she wanted to avoid matching with the bridesmaids?

  • So last night I went out with one of my really old friends. We were friends in high school, lost contact during college, but then she moved back home after she graduated and we have been talking very casually since she got back, seeing each other about once a month.  Last night she kept asking me about what I wanted for the wedding, my vision and other typical questions that people ask.  She is one of those people who likes to involve herself in everything, so I hold back from telling much about the wedding, I am very vague. But last night she was asking what my wedding colors are and I told her I hadn't decided yet and she says "oh, let me know when you do so I can buy a dress".  I let her know that she didn't have to wear a coordinating color, she could wear whatever she wanted. She ignores this and says "what are you envisioning for the BMs dresses". I told her again, I am only having a MOH and my FI's sister, we are keeping the WP very small so they can wear whatever they want. But she did not let up the entire night and started asking me what I wanted for my bachelorette party and saying how she is going to hold my dress when I pee and has been reading up on typical BM duties.  I just ignored it and changed the subject.

    We were never very close friends and I was originally not even going to invite her to the wedding.  But she keeps saying how excited she is to go because she was there the day I met my FI.  So I figured that I would just invite her and let her be excited for the wedding.  But now she is pretty adamant about being in the WP, despite the numerous times I have told her our WP will be the MOH, BM, and then family. She doesn't really ask, she just assumes that she is in the WP and talks to me like I should be giving her all these WP instructions, it's weird. I thought about giving her a "job" like holding hairspray, lip gloss or something so that she feels important and involved in the wedding. I feel like that is rude though, she is an adult not a child and I shouldn't have to think of busy work for her to do. Should I straight up tell her she isn't a BM? I don't want to upset her when she is so excited for the wedding but at the same time I think her excitement is a little strange because we aren't that close.

    ETA: grammar
    Are you sure she didn't mean that she wanted to avoid matching with the bridesmaids?
    No definitely not.  She is ridiculous and has been outwardly saying she was a BM for a few weeks now.  

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    UPDATE: I told my FI about this and he is very disturbed by this whole situation.  Also, I got a text from her today asking if there was anything I was looking forward to hearing in her speech... Anyway, my FI is now insisting that she be removed from the guest list. Which I am totally not opposed to because, like I said earlier, I wasn't going to invite her in the first place.  Any suggestions on what I do now? I never explicitly said she was invited or anything that would make her believe she would be, this was another thing that she assumed just like being in the WP. FI said I should just tell her that we are not able to invite friends due to our large families, but that is a lie and I do not like lying to people. I have asked for advice from my MOH and my mom and both have just laughed and said "good luck".  Any suggestions are so appreciated. 
    I think that it's time to sit down and really talk with her. If she's planning a speech, then she is delusional and is not going to be taking any hints. Be prepared to be ending this friendship, not because you are intending to, but because she's beyond the help of kind hints and she'll probably be offended by whatever you say.

    "[Friend], you've repeatedly asked for information about bridesmaids dresses so you could order one. You've asked about the shower and bachelorette party so you could plan it. You're asking about what you should include in your toast. I have been very, very clear that I have not asked you to be a bridesmaid. I did not ask you to order a bridesmaids dress. I did not ask you to plan the shower or bachelorette. I have not asked you to prepare a speech. You are not a bridesmaid in my wedding. I've been trying to gently let you know this, but my comments must not have been clear. That is why I am being clear now. If you continue to ignore these boundaries, we will not feel comfortable inviting you to the wedding."
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    offthemarket915
  • I second @Phira, but I'd change the ending. Don't say, "IF you continue to ignore these boundaries, we will not feel comfortable inviting you to the wedding," -- that implies that her attendance is conditional upon behavioural changes, and it's not.

    Sit her down and say, "Friend, you and I need to have a very serious conversation. I'm not sure where you got the erroneous belief that you are (a) in my wedding party or (b) in any way involved in planning any pre-wedding parties. I have told you, REPEATEDLY, that the only BMs I'm having are my sister and my FSIL. That's it. No one else. NO ONE. Your failure to understand my gentle hints had made it necessary for me to deal more frankly and rudely with you than I would like. After talking my concerns over with FI, we really don't feel comfortable having you attend our wedding. Your repeated failure to respect our boundaries, or even listen to the words coming out of my mouth, means that we can't trust you to respect our boundaries -- not wearing the BM dress, not giving a speech, not pretending you're part of the WP -- on our wedding day. It pains me that I have had to be rude and mean to you, but you have left me no choice."
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pinkcow13KeptInStitcheslaurenstlouisRebl90
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I second @Phira, but I'd change the ending. Don't say, "IF you continue to ignore these boundaries, we will not feel comfortable inviting you to the wedding," -- that implies that her attendance is conditional upon behavioural changes, and it's not.

    Sit her down and say, "Friend, you and I need to have a very serious conversation. I'm not sure where you got the erroneous belief that you are (a) in my wedding party or (b) in any way involved in planning any pre-wedding parties. I have told you, REPEATEDLY, that the only BMs I'm having are my sister and my FSIL. That's it. No one else. NO ONE. Your failure to understand my gentle hints had made it necessary for me to deal more frankly and rudely with you than I would like. After talking my concerns over with FI, we really don't feel comfortable having you attend our wedding. Your repeated failure to respect our boundaries, or even listen to the words coming out of my mouth, means that we can't trust you to respect our boundaries -- not wearing the BM dress, not giving a speech, not pretending you're part of the WP -- on our wedding day. It pains me that I have had to be rude and mean to you, but you have left me no choice."
    Totally This ^

    And Wow this girl sounds really creepy and delusional - she's like a breathing Lifetime movie. 
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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2014

    pinkcow13 said:
    I second @Phira, but I'd change the ending. Don't say, "IF you continue to ignore these boundaries, we will not feel comfortable inviting you to the wedding," -- that implies that her attendance is conditional upon behavioural changes, and it's not.

    Sit her down and say, "Friend, you and I need to have a very serious conversation. I'm not sure where you got the erroneous belief that you are (a) in my wedding party or (b) in any way involved in planning any pre-wedding parties. I have told you, REPEATEDLY, that the only BMs I'm having are my sister and my FSIL. That's it. No one else. NO ONE. Your failure to understand my gentle hints had made it necessary for me to deal more frankly and rudely with you than I would like. After talking my concerns over with FI, we really don't feel comfortable having you attend our wedding. Your repeated failure to respect our boundaries, or even listen to the words coming out of my mouth, means that we can't trust you to respect our boundaries -- not wearing the BM dress, not giving a speech, not pretending you're part of the WP -- on our wedding day. It pains me that I have had to be rude and mean to you, but you have left me no choice."
    Totally This ^

    And Wow this girl sounds really creepy and delusional - she's like a breathing Lifetime movie. 
    Don't tell her any of this in a dark alley, and keep your doors locked from now on.  Just kidding.  Kinda, she sounds scary.  Phira and Hisgirlfriday13 gave great suggestions, just be prepared for a lotta crazy in response.  
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    pinkshorts27
  • Okay, I know we use abbreviations here in part to help others understand and also for privacy reasons. When you talk to this woman, do you use a specific name or just say "Maid Of Honor....maybe she not only think she's a BM but also that she's the MOH!! If there's ANY DOUBT, introduce her to "Susie, the MOH." Or have some convo along the lines of "So at that time all the BMs will be at the front. It would be really great if you could snap a few pics from your seat at that time" or "I feel like I've given my MOH and BM a ton of work. I so appreciate the couple of guests like yourself who've lent an additional hand." There might be tears...not sure if they'd be public or for her pillow. Avoid self-blame. Yes, it would have been best to head it off the first time the misunderstanding arose, but you have not fed it and have tried to make her comfortable and involved but cannot off her a front row seat (Advance sorry if this DPs...)
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  • Okay, I know we use abbreviations here in part to help others understand and also for privacy reasons. When you talk to this woman, do you use a specific name or just say "Maid Of Honor....maybe she not only think she's a BM but also that she's the MOH!! If there's ANY DOUBT, introduce her to "Susie, the MOH." Or have some convo along the lines of "So at that time all the BMs will be at the front. It would be really great if you could snap a few pics from your seat at that time" or "I feel like I've given my MOH and BM a ton of work. I so appreciate the couple of guests like yourself who've lent an additional hand." There might be tears...not sure if they'd be public or for her pillow. Avoid self-blame. Yes, it would have been best to head it off the first time the misunderstanding arose, but you have not fed it and have tried to make her comfortable and involved but cannot off her a front row seat (Advance sorry if this DPs...)
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  • I would let your families & bridal parties know that they are not to share any wedding information with her. Also if you have any mutual friends, you may want to ask them to please not share any wedding details with her (ceremony/reception time & location). I think you need to have a conversation with her and just tell her, I'm sorry that you ever had the impression you were part of my wedding party. Good luck, this isn't going to be an easy situation for you.

  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Now I wish I had started posting on the forums earlier because I know nothing about this Jashley person other than she was BSC!!

    ~*~*~*~*~

    Amyzen83
  • Oh hello! Can we be friends? I'm literally having almost the exact same problem with a girl I know! She called telling me that her and her mother wanted to help host the bridesmaid luncheon- uh excuse me? 

    Anyway, my strategy is to avoid her even more than usual and any wedding talk when I'm around her as well. I am trying my very hardest to avoid the whole "you're not a bridesmaid" conversation because it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy- when I (we) haven't done anything wrong! With your latest update though you might have to have that conversation with her. Just remember you can't reason with crazy!
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    Amyzen83
  • Now I wish I had started posting on the forums earlier because I know nothing about this Jashley person other than she was BSC!!

    Type "Jashley" into Google and it automatically fills in with "wedding in a park." Chick posted the same question on (literally) dozens of internet forums along with a lot of follow-up posts. Many got deleted, but a few are still out there.

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  • Holy crazy! Well, if you are not too concerned about preserving any sort of "friendship", you could contact her and say, "I am sorry Suzy but you seem to be under the misconception that you are going to be one of my bridesmaids. I am not sure how you came to this conclusion as I have never formally asked you, but I am sorry if anything I did or said led you to believe otherwise." Don't invite her as a guest if you never planned to. Cease conversation. Good luck ;)
    PrettyGirlLost
  • i understand why you fiance doesn't want her invited any more. To my ears her mentioning she is going to give a toast at your wedding is a veiled threat. It's probably because i've heard too many stories, and seen too many movies about horrible, inappropriate, drunk wedding toasts and it's a vague secret fear of mine. Can you imagine her standing up to give a toast and starting out with "so i was suppose to be a brides maid..."
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    Amyzen83HisGirlFriday13
  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Honestly, with people who are that "enthusiastic" (read: insane), it is best just to be as straightforward as possible. Sugarcoating anything provides an avenue of hope and a sense that she can "convince" you otherwise.

    Just tell her that she's not a bridesmaid.

    I'm actually having a sort of weird issue with a girl who is IN my bridal party. She has tried to persuade me that she ought to be my maid of honor. The answer is simply no.
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    PrettyGirlLostaurorajanette
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