Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need to vent- Guest list and FMIL

Ok, so please tell me if I'm being crazy.  I know there are many posts with similar themes.
I'm so angry, so this may be long. 

Back when we got engaged we created a list of people that we wanted to invite to the wedding. I was lucky in that I used my sister's list as she only got married a year ago. I added my friends, and then asked my FI who we should invite from his side. We had a list of about 130 people, but we knew we were missing some people from his side. We showed the list to his parents and they mentioned some people that we forgot.

Then FMIL starts talking about how we have to invite their daughter in law's parents. Now, my parents said they were giving us X dollars.  And at this time his parent's haven't offered any specific amount but said they would help out as well. (We had already picked a venue at this point, because we estimated how many people we wanted to invite based on our preliminary list. Number of people by capacity is not a problem we are not even close to the limit. But the venue is expensive, but for our area, and what we're getting it's reasonable.)

I kind of pushed back and said why? We're not close to them, they live 1000 miles away, and their FI sister in laws parents.  There is no reason they need to be invited to our wedding. Apparently it's a courtesy, and they probably won't come! Oh how I hate the courtesy invite.  I want every single person at our wedding to be there because we want them there.  Now obviously I understand there are people you have to invite, like aunt so and so.  And I also understand that the parent's should get some say in the guest list. However, we don't feel this is a necessary invite. (FI and I agree completely.) 

We tell FMIL and FFIL that they get x invites (including SO and +1), and to please send the list when they have all the addresses. So FMIL emails me a couple weeks later (this is around August or September), and she went over the allotted amount, but I looked at the list with FI and we agreed to accept her list as is. We even allowed the inlaws parents. Fine, it's not a battle I wanted to fight (at the time).  

FMIL mentions at another time after she gave the list, that after we send STD if she finds out that some people are not going to come, she may want to invite some more friends. FI and I bean dip her. We pretty much ignore what she said. She brings it up another time like a month later, and I look at FI, and he says "Mom we told you the guest list is closed" it's getting out of hand. FPIL both accepted that.
Prior to that I had asked my mother if there was anyone else she wanted to invite. She said no, that it's my wedding, and the list we had is fine.  (Love my Mom).

FMIL and FFIL told my FI that they could contribute y amount, which is about 1/6 of what my parent's are contributing. (That's fine, we didn't expect any money from anyone.)  Just for reference, the amount that both parents contribute will pay for most or all of the reception- depending on how many people come.  The guests are pretty much equal between myself and my FI.  His side has more family/family friends, and my side has a little more friends, but for the most part it's equal.   I'm paying for the florist, DJ, photographer, and cake. My FI is paying for the officiant, honeymoon (?), and the after party, and maybe some other miscellaneous things.


We thought all was going well, when today I get an email from FMIL (just me, not FI) asking (telling?) to add sister in laws sister and her guest. Oh hell no! We didn't want FI sister in law's parents to begin with, but we did to appease FI parents . No way in hell are we adding her sister too. I should also mention, if it matters, that I am not inviting some of my 1st cousins because I'm not close to them.  It's not fair, that I am not inviting people so we could keep the numbers down, but they are adding people that are barely related to them. I know FI agrees with me, but he doesn't like getting people upset.  I also know it's only 2 people, but where does it end.

Any advice?
Sorry it was so long! 
image
image

image


Re: Need to vent- Guest list and FMIL

  • Thank you!  I'm going to have my FI deal with it though. It's his mother.

    Wow, that was a really long post! I wanted to add all the details, but maybe I went overboard.
    image
    image

    image


  • I would only recommend having your FI deal with it if he'll have your back. You say you know he agrees with you, but that he hates upsetting people -- will he back your play even if it means upsetting his mother?
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • What @hisgirlfriday13 said. Don't add these people. You have compromised enough.
  • He'll back me- he completely agrees.  He doesn't even like his sister in law. She's a special snowflake, so it makes me think that his parent's don't want her to get mad at them. But you know what this is my and my FI wedding, not hers. She had her wedding. And she got to invite and not invite who she wanted  (including making FPIL call some people and uninvite them, after she already sent STD).  


    image
    image

    image


  • That sound you heard was me slamming my head into the wall repeatedly out of frustration on your behalf. Holy crap.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • Wow, I'm so frustrated on your behalf!  I think it's great that you and your FI are on the same page, and that he's been dealing with his mother so far.  Because she sent the latest email to you, I think it's fine for you to respond with a simple "Hi, as FI had mentioned the guest list is now closed.  See you this weekend! (or whenever the next time you're going to see her...)".  I'd be going crazy...good luck going forward!!
  • Yeah, let FI deal with FI's mother. A firm "no" should be sufficient, perhaps followed by "this is not for discussion".


    image
  • First I would forward the email to your FI.  Then I would tell him to talk to his Mother.  At this point you need to just stay out of it because it is just stressing you out.  You and your FI should at this point completely ignore his parents whenever they speak about the guest list again.  Literally go about your business like you did not hear them.

  • Let FI tell his mother: "Mom, we told you the guest list is closed.  That means that we are not going to add any more names to it.  We are not willing to discuss this subject again and will ignore any more communications from you about additional guests."  Then ignore her from that point on.
  • Ditto PPs.

    Just reminded me of the song "no means no" - I think it's by Ricky J or some odd early-90's band. 
  • I completely agree with all the PPs, and completely feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation as you (relatively even guest list, my parents are paying for the entire reception, his parents say they'll help but haven't given any number and we're less than 5 months away...). We made our initial guest list that included all of the family members we thought should be there, plus our friends/other important people and we had roughly the same number of guests. We decided to give each set of parents 10 additional guests, which my parents thought was fair since I'd included a lot of the people they would invite anyway. FI's parents were a totally different story...

    FMIL emailed FI a list of 50 people that HAD to be invited...mostly first cousins and aunts/uncles that he hasn't seen in years and I've never met (we've been dating for 7 years). She couldn't even remember some of the people's last names! To me that would be a sign that those people aren't important and shouldn't be invited, but to her they're family, need to be invited, but probably won't come anyway. I have heard her say on countless occasions that she doesn't even like these people. Oh, and she is unwilling to get the addresses of these people because she doesn't have their phone numbers and we should figure it out.

    We decided together to stop talking about the wedding around them and we used her 10 invites to cover their friends. We're not including the family she listed because they probably don't even know FI is getting married and FI doesn't want them there.

     

     

  • I had the same issues with MIL.  Just be united and have him deal with mom.
    image

    Anniversary
  • Thanks guys. She's a very nice lady, I just don't know why she thinks the whole world should be invited to our wedding. Every single one of the people on my list is someone I've seen in the last 3 years. Some of the people on FI list are people he says he hasn't seen in 20 years (he may be exaggerating). A wedding is supposed to have people who supported you and love you throughout the years, not people that probably couldn't pick us out of a lineup. And I find it irrelevant that they probably won't come. Also, it aggravates me that we accommodated all their guests they originally asked for, even the parent's of SIL, when it was over the allotted amount. No I wish we pushed back on that couple from the beginning.
    image
    image

    image


  • phira said:
    That sound you heard was me slamming my head into the wall repeatedly out of frustration on your behalf. Holy crap.
    Do you need some Advil, Motrin, Tylenol or Excedrin??
  • laurynm84 said:
    Thanks guys. She's a very nice lady, I just don't know why she thinks the whole world should be invited to our wedding. Every single one of the people on my list is someone I've seen in the last 3 years. Some of the people on FI list are people he says he hasn't seen in 20 years (he may be exaggerating). A wedding is supposed to have people who supported you and love you throughout the years, not people that probably couldn't pick us out of a lineup. And I find it irrelevant that they probably won't come. Also, it aggravates me that we accommodated all their guests they originally asked for, even the parent's of SIL, when it was over the allotted amount. No I wish we pushed back on that couple from the beginning.
    Actually, I'd only want to invite people who would NEVER pick me out of a lineup... especially my WP, because as they say, you choose your WP by asking yourself "Who would help me hide a body?"

    Just messing with you ;) I know what you mean, and I agree.
  • Update: So FI talked to her and told her that we were not allowing any more guests added to the list. He gave a bunch of reasons, including that we accommodated everyone on her list back in August even though she went over the amount we said they could have, and they can't just add more people now.

    Now apparently she said he was rude to her!  Are you kidding me!  Now I don't know exactly what was said, but my FI is not a rude person. Then she guilt tripped him, and said there are more important things than who's invited to our wedding, (yeah right back at ya) and there is a family member in the hospital who isn't doing well, and we should care about the things that really matter. (What in the world do those things have to do with each other?)  

    We're not backing down now. We were going to visit them this week, but now we're not going. I don't understand where her entitlement comes from about a person that is not a close relative or close friend. 
    image
    image

    image


  • Stop having any discussions with her about it.  She's going to make drama, guilt-trip, and accuse you and your FI of "rudeness" no matter what just because she's not getting her way.
  • kmj500 said:

    I completely agree with all the PPs, and completely feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation as you (relatively even guest list, my parents are paying for the entire reception, his parents say they'll help but haven't given any number and we're less than 5 months away...). We made our initial guest list that included all of the family members we thought should be there, plus our friends/other important people and we had roughly the same number of guests. We decided to give each set of parents 10 additional guests, which my parents thought was fair since I'd included a lot of the people they would invite anyway. FI's parents were a totally different story...

    FMIL emailed FI a list of 50 people that HAD to be invited...mostly first cousins and aunts/uncles that he hasn't seen in years and I've never met (we've been dating for 7 years). She couldn't even remember some of the people's last names! To me that would be a sign that those people aren't important and shouldn't be invited, but to her they're family, need to be invited, but probably won't come anyway. I have heard her say on countless occasions that she doesn't even like these people. Oh, and she is unwilling to get the addresses of these people because she doesn't have their phone numbers and we should figure it out.

    We decided together to stop talking about the wedding around them and we used her 10 invites to cover their friends. We're not including the family she listed because they probably don't even know FI is getting married and FI doesn't want them there.

     

    Omgsh. STORY OF MY LIFE. I removed every name off my list that did not come with an address (within reason). I was so mad when FMIL put people nobody cared about on the list for my parents to pay an exuberant amount of money for!

    image   image   image

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards