Sister Has to be Center of Attention

Sammyantha13

Hey everyone!  I'm having an issue with my younger sister, who is also my MOH.  Let me just start by saying that I'm 25 and my sister is 22...we've always been competitive and she's always felt kind of inferior to me (I know from her telling me, I'm not just being conceited, haha).  But she's always been much more outgoing than me, and since she's been in college her confidence has sort of skyrocketed...a bit too much.  She can be very manipulative in the way she sucks up to people, whereas I am more of a brutally honest person.

Anyway, last fall my fiance proposed to me after being together for 5 years, and I could tell my sister was a little miffed that she wouldn't get to have her wedding before mine, even though she's only been with her beau for two years.  Despite that, she is still my sister and I asked her to be my MOH.  She is also making our cake as a wedding present to us (she's in culinary school).  But her need to be the center of attention just drives me up the wall.  Any chance that she gets to show me up she takes, and I'm concerned and pretty positive that she will be like this at our wedding.  She's already sort of tried to take over in deciding what the bridesmaid dresses will be.  She threw a hissy fit when she found out that our first dance song is the same song that she considers her and her boyfriend's song...she started crying and hung up the phone with me.  I told her that should they get married, I'm perfectly fine with them using the same song, because it has a different meaning to both couples.  But she refused saying that she wouldn't use it because she didn't get to first and all she would be able to think about is me and my husband dancing to it.  It's getting to the point that I'm starting to regret asking her to be MOH, which makes me feel terrible.

So what should I do?  Should I have a stern talk with her and tell her she needs to just take a chill pill, because it's my day and she can't be acting like this?  Do I just let it continue and if it gets too out of control I'll ask someone to be 'co-MOH'?  I can't just take the job away from her, since I already gave it to her, no matter how crazy she's making me.  But I don't want her ruining our big day...

Emmy1493

Wow, seems like you have a lot going on, but 

1) Being MOH isn't a job. (Even though you probably didn't mean it that way)

2) I would really just try to sit down and have a one on one with her..all wedding talk left out of the proportion and just see what's going on. Maybe there is more than whats on the surface? You are right- she might also feel jealous a tid bit, but there is no reason for that. This is a happy time and I hope it all works out for you! 

AddieCake

Sammyantha13 said:

Hey everyone!  I'm having an issue with my younger sister, who is also my MOH.  Let me just start by saying that I'm 25 and my sister is 22...we've always been competitive and she's always felt kind of inferior to me (I know from her telling me, I'm not just being conceited, haha).  But she's always been much more outgoing than me, and since she's been in college her confidence has sort of skyrocketed...a bit too much.  She can be very manipulative in the way she sucks up to people, whereas I am more of a brutally honest person.

Anyway, last fall my fiance proposed to me after being together for 5 years, and I could tell my sister was a little miffed that she wouldn't get to have her wedding before mine, even though she's only been with her beau for two years.  Despite that, she is still my sister and I asked her to be my MOH.  She is also making our cake as a wedding present to us (she's in culinary school).  But her need to be the center of attention just drives me up the wall.  Any chance that she gets to show me up she takes, and I'm concerned and pretty positive that she will be like this at our wedding.  She's already sort of tried to take over in deciding what the bridesmaid dresses will be.  She threw a hissy fit when she found out that our first dance song is the same song that she considers her and her boyfriend's song...she started crying and hung up the phone with me.  I told her that should they get married, I'm perfectly fine with them using the same song, because it has a different meaning to both couples.  But she refused saying that she wouldn't use it because she didn't get to first and all she would be able to think about is me and my husband dancing to it.  It's getting to the point that I'm starting to regret asking her to be MOH, which makes me feel terrible.

So what should I do?  Should I have a stern talk with her and tell her she needs to just take a chill pill, because it's my day and she can't be acting like this?  Do I just let it continue and if it gets too out of control I'll ask someone to be 'co-MOH'?  I can't just take the job away from her, since I already gave it to her, no matter how crazy she's making me.  But I don't want her ruining our big day...

You don't need a "co-MOH" if she continues. If you want 2 MOHs, you have them, but not b/c one is doing or not doing things. What you're suggesting sounds like you view the MOH as having responsibilities beyond that of a normal bridesmaid. MOHs often step up to various tasks, but they are not required. Bridesmaids and MOHs are the same thing, really. Wear dress, carry flowers, walk down aisle. That's all any of them need to do. 

As for your sister's attitude, I would go to lunch or something and ask her if something is bothering her b/c you are sensing anger from her and you want to know what is going on. She may or may not be honest. Limit your wedding talk with her. Just b/c she is IN the wedding doesn't mean she needs to know every detail about it, and if she is jealous and resentful, the details are only fueling her anger. 

JaxInBlue

She's not going to ruin your day or steal your spotlight.  The MOH (or any bridesmaid for that matter) just needs to show up sober, smiling (even less-than 100% happy), and in the agreed upon dress.  There's no need to demote her and there's no need to have a late-replacement co-MOH.  The rest of this comes from being a big sister, to a younger sister with a similar age spread.

Have you talked with her about non-wedding related things lately?  Have you checked-in with her about life, how she's doing in culinary school, if she likes her professors/internship/job, if she and her BF are doing well and are happy? 

Have you expressed your gratitude for her gift of the cake, and maybe taken a moment to tell her how it will be presented during your reception?  A hat tip to her and her hard work at your reception, essentially giving her a moment to be recognized might go a long way.

This may be too much, or it might reflect that DH and I changed our song three times in order to find something (a) short and (b) we could do a less-than-stellar waltz to, but have you thought about changing your song?  If that's the real issue, is keeping the song a hill you want to die on, especially since you know it has a lot of meaning to her and if it has less to you?  Could you do a first dance to a different song and play this particular song later in your reception? Again, this may just be me, as DH and I aren't song people, but if the song has become symbolic of the tension between you, I might get rid of it altogether.

Maggie0829

Why do you keep playing into her hands.  When she started crying about a damn song tell her to quit that shit instead of placating her with "well if you and your boyfriend get married you are more then welcomed to use it as well."

And the only way that she can take over the bridesmaids dresses is if you let her.  So don't.

You do not need a co-MOH just because you aren't 100% happy with your first choice.

Look, you knew exactly how she was before you asked her to be in your wedding so you shouldn't be shocked or upset that she continues to act like she does.  When she tries to take over or be the center of attention just ignore it.  If people just ignore her when she acts the way she does the behavior will at some point stop.

As for your wedding day, unless she strips naked and runs up and down the aisle screaming "Wee!!" there is no way she will be the center of attention.  That role belongs to you and your FI.

antoto

What do you do?  Nothing.  Plan your wedding exactly as you think it should be planned and ignore her if she gets out of line.  Unless she is planning on wearing a large white dress to your wedding and getting married the same day she will not take attention away from you at all.  

My sister and MOH just had a baby and my wedding is in a month.  A lot of family will be flying in and I already know that there will be a LOT of baby obsessing going on (it's the first grandbaby).  But it's fine!!!  Even if there is another thing happening around your wedding doesn't mean people will pay less attention to your wedding

So don't worry - just do your thing.  She may even calm down after the initial shock of it all.  She still has a few months to chill.

zitiqueen

Maggie0829 said:

Look, you knew exactly how she was before you asked her to be in your wedding so you shouldn't be shocked or upset that she continues to act like she does.  When she tries to take over or be the center of attention just ignore it.  If people just ignore her when she acts the way she does the behavior will at some point stop.

This X1000. You knew what you were signing up for when you asked her, unless you really did believe she would change her entire personality just because you're getting married.

Jen4948

Well, you can tell her to grow up, but it seems to me that you knew going in that your sister is a drama queen who always has to be the center of attention, and by asking her to be your MOH she was going to demand it as much as possible.  You didn't have to ask her just because she is your sister.  Unfortunately, you can't ask her to step down without risking your relationship with her.

While you can have a co-MOH, their only duties are to show up wearing the designated outfit on time, sober, and in good spirits.

So going forward, I'd ignore her.  Yes, she probably will continue to bait you for the purpose of getting your attention, but any response from you at all will just make her feel justified about what she's doing.

OliveOilsMom

All the ladies are spot on.  Stop talking details with her, there is nothing for her to get upset by then.  You know how your sister is going to react to things, so the only thing you can change is YOUR response to how she acts.

And you will be the one in the big white dress.  The attention will be on you!

LadyMillil

OP - I'm having the same problems as you. Even the age gap between sisters and amount of time with FI is the same (really weird). Anyways, I had the serious talk with my sister, and her response was that she is doing nothing wrong and doesn't understand why I would have a problem with the way she is acting. So, not really productive at all. To top it off, my sister recently got engaged and she keeps acting like our weddings are competitions. I no longer talk about any wedding stuff with her, besides making sure she is getting her dress altered and will be ready on time for the pictures. 

You can try having the talk with your sister, but don't be surprised if it has no impact on her. Limit your wedding talk with her to only what is absolutely necessary. Like you said, she likes to be the centre of attention, which is the basis for the crying/hissy fits. Ignore these, bean dip her, do whatever you can to avoid giving her the attention she is looking for. No matter what happens, you and FI will be the centre of attention at your wedding. Anything that she does at the wedding to try to get the attention focused on her will make her look bad.