PK's Poll - Covering Your Plate

photokitty

I like polls! I don't think we have enough - so I give you the first Friday PK's Poll ;-p

Let's talk about this idea called "cover your plate"…

If you believe in covering your plate, how do you determine it?
Do you look up the venue and see why meals cost?
Do you take into account the cost of alcohol?
Does it make a difference if it is a buffet vs plated?
Does it matter if you like the selections??

Is the plate cost pre or post tax, service fees and gratuity?

JCbride2015

Covering your plate is ridiculous IMO.  I give based on my financial situation at the time, and how close I am with the couple.  Double the number if that's for both me and Fi.

The most obviously expensive wedding I ever went to ended up being the smallest gift, because I was just starting out in law school.  I probably "covered" 1/8th of the cost to have me at the wedding.  Nobody clutched their pearls.

And I just hate this idea in general because it fosters poor decision-making by couples: if they think everybody will cover their plate, there's no incentive to budget properly because they will assume they'll get it all back in gifts.  Wrongwrongwrong!

Cookie Pusher

I wish the polls let you vote for two things! I like turtles too, dammit!!

Aaaaanyway... I know a lot of people adhere to the "tradition" of "covering your plate", but I think it's silly. Unless the person was there with you when you signed your contract (or has seen it), they have no idea what you paid your caterer. In the same vein, you can't assume you know how much someone spent on your "plate". I know for my wedding, the caterer's per head price is higher than what the other caterers in the area charge for that venue... but that's because my caterer rolls all the costs into the per person charge. The other caterers charge separately for every single thing that's not the actual food (servers, linens, china, flatware, water, etc). If someone were to "cover their plate" based on their experience with the other caterer's per plate cost was, it would be half of what I'm actually paying - making them a cheapass bastard!

Ok, I'm kidding about the last part, but really, it's just so silly. No one should be subsidizing your wedding.

Maggie0829

Covering my plate is never on my radar.  H and I give what we can, which is usually $100 if not a bit more if we can swing it.

photokitty

JCBride2014 said:

And I just hate this idea in general because it fosters poor decision-making by couples: if they think everybody will cover their plate, there's no incentive to budget properly because they will assume they'll get it all back in gifts.  Wrongwrongwrong!

^^^This X 100! FTW!!

It's crazy to think you are going to make money off a wedding reception!

Cookie Pusher said:

I wish the polls let you vote for two things! I like turtles too, dammit!!

Decisions, decisions But I like turtles too!

moosette113

My stepmother's family believes in cover-your-plate. That being said, most of them didn't technically achieve that with their gifts at my wedding (which is absolutely more than fine- we appreciated and sent thank you notes for any gift we received). The ones that did cover the cost of their meals were actually younger couples that recently got married or are engaged and are currently venue hunting (and would therefore have a better understanding of the current costs of weddings in our area). I don't think anyone did specific research, but rather estimated based off our invitations and venue.

lyndausvi

We have different ranges.

Co-workers - $100-150

Not as close family/friends $150-250

Close family/friends - $200-300

Siblings  -  Mine are all married and I gave them about $300 each back 18+ years ago.  DH's first one is coming up in Sept.  I'm not quiet sure yet.  However, I know it will be more than $300.

ETA

HaileyDancingbear

You do realize that if you give me an option like "I like turtles" I WILL click it no matter what the other options are XD  your poll could have been "Do you breathe air?" with yes no and i like turtles, guess what I'd click.  

When I give a gift I'm thinking purely about what the recipient would like, what the recipient would get a lot of use out of, etc.  The cost of a gift doesn't guarantee it'll be a good gift, it doesn't matter what you spend if you give them something they can't use or isn't remotely what they're into and it just collects dust- I'd rather have someone give me a really nifty tea set than a pair of luis vuitton socks.  Yeah, the socks would be more expensive and "Cover the plate" but nobody needs socks that ridiculous.

AddieCake

I despise the cover your plate mentality. 

buddysmom80

Technically we give $200 from both of us, so in a way it is "covering our plate" since that's the norm per-person at most venues here. It's not like we give less if it's at a restaurant or different venue from a 5-star hotel, kwim? If we're both going, you get $200.

KeptInStitches

I give what I can and what I believe the couple would most appreciate.

kmmssg

Miss Manners find this expectation abhorrent and so do I. 

banana468

I loathe that "rule". If my brother has a back yard BBQ wedding should I give less? The practice is so abhorrent I want to go to the ladies' rooms in reception halls and yell at the people who do this.

photokitty

I think "cover your plate" is non-sense. I give based on the relationship or the incredible a deal I can get with sales and coupons off a registry item.

The only time I could see the "plate" being a consideration is if I am not being hosted properly - say a potluck, where I'm already "covering my plate" bc I had to bring it :-\

Emmy1493

I went with the turtles ^_^

wrigleyville

I really dislike this notion. When I told my cousin I was surprised (and pleased) they were offering filet mignon at their wedding, he said, "Yeah, we're hoping to get that back from the guests."

I was so shocked that I didn't really know what to say. I ended up bean-dipping him.

ashleyep

I sort of do it, but not really.

I do tend to give more at fancier weddings than more casual ones. But how much I give also really depends on my relationship with the couple and if I was in the bridal party or not (cause I already spent a lot of money to be here with you today, so my gift will be less).

I also give twice as much if my fiancé is going than if it's just me, so I guess my gift is per person.

hikebikebemerry

Ugh.  I hate the "cover your plate" mentality.  Am I not good enough to come to your wedding if it would hurt my finances to give you an expensive gift?  What I give depends on my financial situation.

I do not believe that I should be financially burdened with covering my plate for an expensive wedding; nor should someone be "punished" if they decide to have a backyard BBQ.  I would rather give the person with a backyard BBQ a larger gift, because I feel that they could use the money more than someone having a lavish wedding.. that might just be me.

Of the few weddings I have attended as an adult, I have given the gift after attending.  Mostly because a) I am not organized b) I like to try to get something nicer off their registry for a really good deal.  I have to confess, if the event were not properly hosted, I would probably give less of a gift.  (If I brought a card with cash; which I don't- I wouldn't take money back.)

csuave

None of the above really but maybe a little cover your plate (CYP) indirectly. 

I always gave $50.  More if I took a date or was in the WP.  If it is family or a close friend and I don't attend the wedding I still sent that amount.  Back in the day when I was totally clueless I got the idea that $50 was a good amount from my mom.  I think my mom may have rooted her thinking in the CYP mentality and when that may have actually been accurate for the CYP amount for our region.

DH also had a history of giving $50 so we figured it was natural to now give $100 from both of us. 

We got different amounts at our wedding but somehow the mode amount was $50 per single/$100 per couple.  Makes me wonder if most people make the decision based on what is considered a "proper" or standard amount and $50 is just kind of out there in our region.  FWIW I have only been to sit down or buffet types of weddings with DJs, etc.

JeeGooDowster

I see both sides.  I believe in being generous at weddings to an extent of what i can afford...i mean if it's $500/plate, I'm not sure if my husband and I will be giving $1000! LOL. It's pretty customary in Chinese culture to give gifts (cash or boxed)...however if gifts weren't given, it's rude to even complain...and yes the general rule is that the couple should be happy that people even came to their wedding to celebrate.  What I REALLY CRINGE at...is if the couple goes all out on the wedding thinking they'll make it back in cash gifts.....FUCK THAT.  

pinkshorts27

Wow. Many of you give more than I've ever given. I've been to a few weddings with my parents, I know they tend to be generous, but when we went to my FI friend's wedding we got them a toaster over (60 bucks on sale for 30) because that is all we could afford. We had no clue that some people might think we were cheap or should have stayed home.  We were both in school and didn't have jobs. My FI left it to me to find the gift and I couldn't justify spending more when were were scraping together cash for gas on the way back to school. 

If we would have went this year, I probably would have gotten them the same thing with a blender they wanted and not thought twice about it. 

pinkshorts27

Clearly I don't believe in cover your plate and had never heard of it until I started planning my wedding. I don't expect anyone to even get us gifts but we are ordering thank-you cards just in case.

LDay2014

I don't worry about 'covering a plate'...my gift is based on how close I am to the couple, how well they are likely to use the money, and how much I can afford to give...

But I am also a fan of turtles.  Especially little turtles with Jazz Hands 

WildMagelet

I didn't know this was a thing until TK.  All the weddings I've attended have been while I was a poor, broke college student so I gave what I could.  Usually it ended up being a card and a gift card to a chain of restaurants I knew the couple enjoyed.  I did buy off of one of my cousins registries, however, because she had a super funky decor item that I thought was sort of awesome, but it was within my normal spending range for other weddings I attended at the time.

LDay2014

FINALLY GOT IT TO WORK!!!! Jazz Hands

Amyzen83

The way I see it, is if a bride wants to spend all this money on her wedding, good for her! But I know of some very extravagant brides out there and they are well within their rights to be, but that doesn't mean I have to be extravagant with my gift especially when I may not be that close with the couple. If I don't even like the couple or am not close with them, but for some reason I have to put on a good face and go, they will get a card and a $25 gift card.

photokitty

blueeyes90 said:

Wow. Many of you give more than I've ever given. I've been to a few weddings with my parents, I know they tend to be generous, but when we went to my FI friend's wedding we got them a toaster over (60 bucks on sale for 30) because that is all we could afford. We had no clue that some people might think we were cheap or should have stayed home.  We were both in school and didn't have jobs. My FI left it to me to find the gift and I couldn't justify spending more when were were scraping together cash for gas on the way back to school. 

If we would have went this year, I probably would have gotten them the same thing with a blender they wanted and not thought twice about it. 

I don't think anyone is suggesting you are cheap or you should stay home. Please don't interrupt other's generosity as somehow reflecting poorly on you. Most people on here think you should give what you can afford. This merely a discussion of the idea of covering your plate, not judging people if they don't.

lyndausvi

photokitty said:

blueeyes90 said:

Wow. Many of you give more than I've ever given. I've been to a few weddings with my parents, I know they tend to be generous, but when we went to my FI friend's wedding we got them a toaster over (60 bucks on sale for 30) because that is all we could afford. We had no clue that some people might think we were cheap or should have stayed home.  We were both in school and didn't have jobs. My FI left it to me to find the gift and I couldn't justify spending more when were were scraping together cash for gas on the way back to school. 

If we would have went this year, I probably would have gotten them the same thing with a blender they wanted and not thought twice about it. 

I don't think anyone is suggesting you are cheap or you should stay home. Please don't interrupt other's generosity as somehow reflecting poorly on you. Most people on here think you should give what you can afford. This merely a discussion of the idea of covering your plate, not judging people if they don't.

Exactly.   Back when I was just starting off and poor I gave a lot less.  I'm just able to give more now that I'm old.    

Also, CYP areas like where my DH's family lives have higher costs of living and often higher salaries that go along with that.   It's all relative.     

Have you ever seen Goodfellas?  There is a wedding scene at Henry and Karen's wedding where they are handed envelopes stuffed with cash. That is not uncommon in DH's social circle.  Since everyone does it that way it's their "normal".  

tammym1001

FI and I give depending on our relationship to the couple, not how fancy their wedding is. I will say that we do give a little extra sometimes if we think they may need it more. For example, we went to a wedding for FI's friend's son. The bride and groom were very young and just starting out so we gave them twice what we normally would because we figured they could really use it. 

So I guess there are a lot of factors for us to determine what gift we give, but none of those factors is how much the couple spent on their wedding.

Inkdancer

shrekspeare said:

blueeyes90 said:

Wow. Many of you give more than I've ever given. I've been to a few weddings with my parents, I know they tend to be generous, but when we went to my FI friend's wedding we got them a toaster over (60 bucks on sale for 30) because that is all we could afford. We had no clue that some people might think we were cheap or should have stayed home.  We were both in school and didn't have jobs. My FI left it to me to find the gift and I couldn't justify spending more when were were scraping together cash for gas on the way back to school. 

If we would have went this year, I probably would have gotten them the same thing with a blender they wanted and not thought twice about it. 

I don't think anyone would consider you cheap or thought you should have stayed home. I personally would never judge someone who came to either mine, or another's wedding and didn't bring a gift. I would also feel down if I found out someone didn't feel welcome at my wedding because they were not bringing a gift. I would never, ever judge someone's financial situation, and would hope that no one would ever judge mine.

Agreed entirely. When I was a bridesmaid for my best friend, I was fresh out of college and unemployed. The money that I spent traveling there and buying dresses was all I could afford. I really hope that my best friend wasn't secretly super offended that I didn't give her money or a gift at that time.

antoto

What I give is based almost entirely on my relationship to the B and/or G. Close family and friends get more than my coworker who I don't really know.  Of course I do have a base line that I wouldn't drop below.