Would this be rude?

hikebikebemerry

I'm going to be a BM for a good friend.  She recently texted me to ask if FI would be joining me, and mentioned that she was deciding if my FI and H of another BM would join us at the head table.  I've been mulling over it, as she mentioned it a few days ago, but within the past week.

FI wouldn't know ANYBODY, and it's a pain in the ass to get him to take time off from work.  (He's a workaholic, but in total denial.)  In addition, I WANT to sit next to him, because (rumor has it) I adore him!

I was thinking that I would just send her a text saying, "FI and other BM's H would really appreciate sitting with us, especially because they won't know many people".  Should I sugar coat it a little more, or is that totally appropriate?  I'm normally pretty blunt, but I do know that she is really stressed out about the wedding and things outside of the wedding right now, so I'm trying to be considerate of that.

MadHops21

hikebikebemerry said:

I'm going to be a BM for a good friend.  She recently texted me to ask if FI would be joining me, and mentioned that she was deciding if my FI and H of another BM would join us at the head table.  I've been mulling over it, as she mentioned it a few days ago, but within the past week.

FI wouldn't know ANYBODY, and it's a pain in the ass to get him to take time off from work.  (He's a workaholic, but in total denial.)  In addition, I WANT to sit next to him, because (rumor has it) I adore him!

I was thinking that I would just send her a text saying, "FI and other BM's H would really appreciate sitting with us, especially because they won't know many people".  Should I sugar coat it a little more, or is that totally appropriate?  I'm normally pretty blunt, but I do know that she is really stressed out about the wedding and things outside of the wedding right now, so I'm trying to be considerate of that.

I think since the friend already suggested the idea to you, and not vice versa, then your text would be fine. 

If you were the one pushing for FI to sit with you, then it would be rude of you. Since she mentioned it and possibly thinking of doing it, then it's appropriate. 

Maggie0829

I wouldn't speak for the other girl, but I would tell your friend that you would appreciate very much to sit with your FI at the wedding.

Jen4948

I agree with PPs.  Since your friend already brought it up, I think you're fine telling her you'd prefer that you and your FI sit together.  Otherwise, I wouldn't bring it up myself.  But I think you should speak only of your own relationship.

MyNameIsNot

I would tell her that you would appreciate sitting with FI, head table or not.  She may not care what your FI wants, but she should care about making you comfortable.  

It would be rude of her to separate you from your FI, but pointing out that something would be rude can be dicey.  Since she brought it up, you're in the clear to mention your preference.  

jenna8984

Is your FI also friends with the bride & groom? I was a BM last year for an old friend. FI met her a handful of times but never met her fiance and he wasn't going to know anyone there. So we decided he could just skip. We said he had to work. You could always do that unless he actually wants to go lol 

hikebikebemerry

jenna8984 said:

Is your FI also friends with the bride & groom? I was a BM last year for an old friend. FI met her a handful of times but never met her fiance and he wasn't going to know anyone there. So we decided he could just skip. We said he had to work. You could always do that unless he actually wants to go lol 

He's met both her and her fiance.  We are a social unit, hence attend functions together.  I really don't know many people besides the bride (I'm on friendly terms with the groom, but we're not buddies as my friend and I lived in different towns after they met) so in addition to the fact that I want him to come, because I enjoy spending time with him, (if he weren't invited, my friend and I would be having an extremely different conversation) I want him to come so the I feel more comfortable.

JellyBean52513

hikebikebemerry said:

jenna8984 said:

Is your FI also friends with the bride & groom? I was a BM last year for an old friend. FI met her a handful of times but never met her fiance and he wasn't going to know anyone there. So we decided he could just skip. We said he had to work. You could always do that unless he actually wants to go lol 

He's met both her and her fiance.  We are a social unit, hence attend functions together.  I really don't know many people besides the bride (I'm on friendly terms with the groom, but we're not buddies as my friend and I lived in different towns after they met) so in addition to the fact that I want him to come, because I enjoy spending time with him, (if he weren't invited, my friend and I would be having an extremely different conversation) I want him to come so the I feel more comfortable.

I wish more bridezillas who insist on splitting up couples understood this. Just as they love spending time with their partner, the people they're inviting do, too. I know the issue here isn't about whether or not your FI is invited, but even that subject gets done to death here because some people just don't GET IT that it's rude to ask someone to spend an entire evening/event without their partner! End rant.

AddieCake

Tell her of course you want to sit with your fiance. She shouldn't even be considering not having that happen.

Artemischief

Talk to her! When FI and I had been together for about a year his sister got married. I was "invited," expected to come, but not given an invitation. I had only met his immediate family at this point and knew none of the couple's friends. This was the worst experience I have had with his family. I sat alone at the ceremony. Then I was not allowed to stay and watch pictures get taken after the ceremony, so instead I sat alone at a table in the reception hall (when I say alone, I mean completely ALONE, only person at the table). FI then had to sit at the head table, leaving me alone again. I have since met the family and can hold my own. I'll be cheering you on with this though. Your FI should not have to be put through such torture.

SP29

Nope, not rude. She asked, so I would tell her you would appreciate sitting with your FI.

At our wedding we had the SO's of our WP sit at our head table. 

jessicabessica

Tell her.  No need to sugarcoat.  "I definitely want to sit with FI at the wedding.  Looking forward to everything!"  

wrigleyville

Artemischief said:

Talk to her! When FI and I had been together for about a year his sister got married. I was "invited," expected to come, but not given an invitation. I had only met his immediate family at this point and knew none of the couple's friends. This was the worst experience I have had with his family. I sat alone at the ceremony. Then I was not allowed to stay and watch pictures get taken after the ceremony, so instead I sat alone at a table in the reception hall (when I say alone, I mean completely ALONE, only person at the table). FI then had to sit at the head table, leaving me alone again. I have since met the family and can hold my own. I'll be cheering you on with this though. Your FI should not have to be put through such torture.

This is exactly why I don't understand why brides think it's okay to split couples up. It's so rude.

I know some people think, "It's just dinner. You can spend 30 minutes apart," but it's so much more than that. Yes, adults are capable of eating dinner without their date/spouse, but why should they have to - especially at a wedding, where the focus is on love and relationships?

lc07

I wouldn't say the "he won't know anyone" part. That's irrelevant. And could lead to her seating him with someone he might sort of know. I would just tell her that you and FI would like to sit together at the reception whether at the head table or at a different table. 

SKPM

hikebikebemerry said:

I'm going to be a BM for a good friend.  She recently texted me to ask if FI would be joining me, and mentioned that she was deciding if my FI and H of another BM would join us at the head table.  I've been mulling over it, as she mentioned it a few days ago, but within the past week.

FI wouldn't know ANYBODY, and it's a pain in the ass to get him to take time off from work.  (He's a workaholic, but in total denial.)  In addition, I WANT to sit next to him, because (rumor has it) I adore him!

I was thinking that I would just send her a text saying, "FI and other BM's H would really appreciate sitting with us, especially because they won't know many people".  Should I sugar coat it a little more, or is that totally appropriate?  I'm normally pretty blunt, but I do know that she is really stressed out about the wedding and things outside of the wedding right now, so I'm trying to be considerate of that.

I would omit the bolded because (a) I wouldn't speak for other BM and her H, and (b) whether he knows anyone doesn't matter. I like PP's wording: "Of course I want to sit with my H!" Hopefully that will clue her in.

hikebikebemerry

@Ic07 @SKPM (And whoever else may have eluded to this)  Thank you, I totally agree with ditching the part about speaking for the other BM and sticking to more of a "Of course I want to sit with FI" rather than mentioning that he doesn't know anyone there.

Side note- He runs into every he knows wherever we go... I wouldn't be surprised with his luck that he got seated with someone he knew.

-Walking down the street near where my Mom lives; his Mom's coworker drove by and stopped to talk to us (We live 4 hours away, FMIL's coworker lives 3 hours away)

-Stopping for coffee at a random gas station, we ran into one of his rowing buddies.  We were driving from CT to the Capital Region in NY; rowing buddy was driving from Boston to Western NY.

tx91

If she suggested it then it's totally fine. It's not rude for only the bridal party to sit at the head table though and have spouse/fiance/significant others at a table near the front though I don't know why people are saying it is. 

nebullama

tx91 said:

If she suggested it then it's totally fine. It's not rude for only the bridal party to sit at the head table though and have spouse/fiance/significant others at a table near the front though I don't know why people are saying it is. 

I'm afraid that anything that is going to make your guests horribly uncomfortable is, in fact, rude.  It may be a common practice, but that does not make it right.

I think people sometimes get it into their heads that this is okay for 2 reasons:  1) They see it done all the time.  2) When couples are subjected to being separated from their SO they often tend to grin and suck it up because they are at a wedding and are trying to mind their own manners.  They don't speak up about being shabbily treated.

RebeccaB88

tx91 said:

If she suggested it then it's totally fine. It's not rude for only the bridal party to sit at the head table though and have spouse/fiance/significant others at a table near the front though I don't know why people are saying it is. 

Are you new?

Of course it's rude to split up couples.  Regardless of where they are seated, it needs to be together.

banana468

tx91 said:

If she suggested it then it's totally fine. It's not rude for only the bridal party to sit at the head table though and have spouse/fiance/significant others at a table near the front though I don't know why people are saying it is. 

They're saying is rude because you are wrong.

hikebikebemerry

tx91 said:

If she suggested it then it's totally fine. It's not rude for only the bridal party to sit at the head table though and have spouse/fiance/significant others at a table near the front though I don't know why people are saying it is. 

Would you please explain why you think it is not rude?  I'm just curious how splitting up a couple at a celebration of love and commitment wouldn't be rude.