Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to proceed? Guest list question.

So, me and my Fi decided to just go through our preemptive guest list to get an idea of how many people we're looking at.  About a third of the way through, we realized that his family is much smaller and closer than mine.  His family side, cousins included, consists of twenty one people and they're all "must invites."  Now, I know the rule "If you invite one cousin you have to invite them all," but does that mean both sides?  If I invite my entire extended family I'll have over sixty people invited, not counting friends, and maybe ten would actually arrive and all from immediate family.  I'm wondering if it's acceptable to just invite my immediate family if we invite his cousins. I'm not close to my extended family like he is, and I'm afraid the invites would seem gift grabby because I haven't talked to most of these people in years.  I'm just unsure if this would be a slight etiquette wise. Any help would be much appreciated, thanks in advance!

Re: How to proceed? Guest list question.

  • I don't think you have to invite all the cousins from your side just because you invite all the cousins from his side, especially if you are not close to these people.
  • You don't have to invite your cousins if you don't want to.
  • If you aren't close to them, don't invite them.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I would say that you know your family best. If your side wouldn't mind not being invited without it looking gift grabby, than I say, don't invite them. The inviting in circles, in my opinion, only works for each family/friend circle. Your Aunt Betty wouldn't know that you invited his Cousin Suzy but not her daughter, Sally.

    My entire guest list, family, extended family and friends, is about 130 whereas FH's family alone is about 130. His side includes, his immediate family, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, plus his parents' aunts, uncles, cousins. My side is immediate family, grandma, some aunts and uncles, a few cousins but only from my mom's side, a few of my parents' aunts and cousins. My family isn't as close as FH's and I am able to selectively pick and chose and he couldn't without hurt feelings.

    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • I view it as my half is my choice, His half is his choice,
    FI wants more friends, less family, and I am happy with more family less friends. Unless your families overlap (joke) you don't have to invite the "Whole Circle" (your cousins and his cousins)

    ~Invite who you want, don't worry about his side

  • My entire extended family, including step-siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins AND cousin's kids was 23 people (not including my grandparents because they were too sick to come).

    H's IMMEDIATE family is 18 people.  If you add aunts/uncles, it came to about 40.  If you add cousins.... I don't even know.  I don't think H could even name all his cousins, and all his cousins have spouse and children.  It'd probably be 100 people whom he doesn't know at all.

    We ended up inviting all my extended family, plus H's family up to his aunts/uncles and ONE cousin because that's the only cousin he ever talks to.  None of the other cousins got invited, and H STILL had way more family than I did.

    Sometimes you just have to take into account family dynamics.

    SaveSave
  • There is no rule that if you invite one cousin you must invite them all.
    image
    image

    image


  • monkeysip said:
    My entire extended family, including step-siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins AND cousin's kids was 23 people (not including my grandparents because they were too sick to come).

    H's IMMEDIATE family is 18 people.  If you add aunts/uncles, it came to about 40.  If you add cousins.... I don't even know.  I don't think H could even name all his cousins, and all his cousins have spouse and children.  It'd probably be 100 people whom he doesn't know at all.

    We ended up inviting all my extended family, plus H's family up to his aunts/uncles and ONE cousin because that's the only cousin he ever talks to.  None of the other cousins got invited, and H STILL had way more family than I did.

    Sometimes you just have to take into account family dynamics.
    That's us in reverse.  Except we did invite all 24 of my first cousin with their SOs.  

    Invite who you want.  It's good to go in circles on your own side, although you don't have to and  that doesn't mean you have to do that on both sides.

    That said,  I wouldn't cut my list simply because DH side's was smaller than mine.  I am close to  most of mine and there were some family dynamics thrown so I invited all of my cousins.   DH's list had zero influence on my own.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • mimiphin said:
    I view it as my half is my choice, His half is his choice,
    FI wants more friends, less family, and I am happy with more family less friends. Unless your families overlap (joke) you don't have to invite the "Whole Circle" (your cousins and his cousins)

    ~Invite who you want, don't worry about his side
    This made me laugh so hard.  Thanks!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
  • I don't think it's that rude to invite some cousins and not others. On my side, I'm close with all my cousins so they all got an invite. FI isn't close with any of his cousins. We've been dating 6 years and I have only met a handful of them (the others don't even live far away, they just aren't a close family). We invited the select few that we see every so often but not the ones I've never met and he hasn't seen in 8+ years. Neither of us care if they get offended, they likely wouldn't be able to tell FI what my name is, what I do, or even what FI does for that matter. We want our guest list to include all the important people in our lives, and we don't want to have to exclude close friends just so these cousins can come.

     

  • Remember that when inviting in circles, your circles and your FI's circles are different. I am not inviting any of my cousins, and FI is inviting all of his, and that is okay.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
  • Thanks for all your help guys!
    Now if I could just figure out how to classify a thread as answered...
  • @knope2014, It has to have been posted as a question initially, not as a discussion. I don't think there's a way to go back and fix it now.
  • We aren't inviting all cousins. They are grown adults and some of them, frankly, suck at life. It was more important to us to have the people we care about than to have even numbers.

    I think it is unreasonable to leave out your cousin.
    image
  • @knope2014, It has to have been posted as a question initially, not as a discussion. I don't think there's a way to go back and fix it now.
    Thanks for that, I was struggling with that too.

    If I can throw on a secondary question... does the same go for children of circles?? FI's family is enormous (over 30 first cousins), and close with each other but not with him. We're inviting all of his aunts and uncles, and all cousins over 18, but none of the children aside from FI's nieces and nephew. My family, however, is smaller and much closer, so I have all of my cousins and all of their kids invited. He says his family "gets" that there's too many of them for them all to be invited to everything, and won't be offended when they show up and realize my cousins' kids were invited but not theirs. I'm still worried though. Thoughts??
    (side note: my cousins who have kids are coming from out of state; they can't realistically leave their kids behind. his are local.)

    image
    image
  • Lolo8383 said:
    @knope2014, It has to have been posted as a question initially, not as a discussion. I don't think there's a way to go back and fix it now.
    Thanks for that, I was struggling with that too.

    If I can throw on a secondary question... does the same go for children of circles?? FI's family is enormous (over 30 first cousins), and close with each other but not with him. We're inviting all of his aunts and uncles, and all cousins over 18, but none of the children aside from FI's nieces and nephew. My family, however, is smaller and much closer, so I have all of my cousins and all of their kids invited. He says his family "gets" that there's too many of them for them all to be invited to everything, and won't be offended when they show up and realize my cousins' kids were invited but not theirs. I'm still worried though. Thoughts??
    (side note: my cousins who have kids are coming from out of state; they can't realistically leave their kids behind. his are local.)
    It is totally okay to invite your cousins' children but not his. Some people might get annoyed, but some people get annoyed no matter what. You are etiquette-okay to do this.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards