my friend upset me

cruffino

So my friend from work called me last week to tell me that he and his partner can't come to my wedding. He previously told me that they were coming, that he is so excited and that he wouldn't miss it.

He said they can no longer attend because they have to attend his partner's elderly aunt's surprise birthday party. I was really disappointed by this. I understand that family trumps friends but I felt like he already made a commitment to me and is now breaking it.

It has made me question the depth of our friendship. I know that he is flaky but I never thought he'd flake on my wedding. I really feel in my heart that we are not the friends I thought we were.

So I definitely recognize that I may be taking this too personally and of course no one is excited about my wedding as I am. I think I just feel disappointed and sad and needed to vent. Please feel free to slap me back into reality.

HisGirlFriday13

cruffino said:

So my friend from work called me last week to tell me that he and his partner can't come to my wedding. He previously told me that they were coming, that he is so excited and that he wouldn't miss it. He said they can no longer attend because they have to attend his partner's elderly aunt's surprise birthday party. I was really disappointed by this. I understand that family trumps friends but I felt like he already made a commitment to me and is now breaking it. It has made me question the depth of our friendship. I know that he is flaky but I never thought he'd flake on my wedding. I really feel in my heart that we are not the friends I thought we were. So I definitely recognize that I may be taking this too personally and of course no one is excited about my wedding as I am. I think I just feel disappointed and sad and needed to vent. Please feel free to slap me back into reality.

But this is a fair feeling to have, it really is. It's one thing if he had said to you when invites went out, "Oh, I'm so sorry, but we already know we'll be at partner's aunt's surprise party that day -- I'm so sorry to miss it!" 

Because, yeah, life happens, and stuff gets in the way, and that's fair. But to have already (verbally) told you he was coming, it does feel like he's reneging on his promise. We often tell brides, "A verbal invite means you must give a physical invite!" It stands to reason that the reverse is also true -- a verbal commitment should count as a written commitment. Or at least you can't be faulted for thinking that it does.

And yes, I get that it's family, but TBH -- it's a birthday party. Weddings trump birthdays. And yes, I get she's elderly and that's a concern, but he still should have said, "I'm sorry, but we have another commitment that day, so we'll have to send Auntie a card and take her out to lunch on our own for her birthday."

JCbride2015

Yep, I think you have a right to be pissed.  Saying yes to a wedding invite is a big deal, and a commitment for that day.  He should not be backing out on you for a birthday party.

HaileyDancingbear

Your feelings are completely understandable, I'd be hurt too.  

cruffino

@hisgirl
@jcbride
@Hailey

Thank you all for validating my feelings. I've been so emotional lately (wedding is in 6 days!) and I really wasn't sure if I was overreacting. I thought we were closer than we are, I now realize. It hurts but hey, I'm a big girl and I can get past it. Just feeling a bit sad now. I can own that and move on.

HisGirlFriday13

SIX DAYS??? Holy.Effing.Shitballs. I think I forgot it was coming up so fast.

Yeah, you have EVERY right to be pissed at this point. It's not like it's far enough out that you can turn in a lower head-count; you're on the hook for those meals. 

I'd be furious. And I'd also be thinking, "Hey, we're not as close as I thought we were."

cruffino

@hisgirl

This exactly. I just am now questioning the depth of our friendship. Luckily he told me before the final headcount....that would have really pissed me off!

6 days! We've been engaged for 16 months so I can't believe it's finally here!

HaileyDancingbear

cruffino said:

@hisgirl @jcbride @Hailey Thank you all for validating my feelings. I've been so emotional lately (wedding is in 6 days!) and I really wasn't sure if I was overreacting. I thought we were closer than we are, I now realize. It hurts but hey, I'm a big girl and I can get past it. Just feeling a bit sad now. I can own that and move on.

Oh, I can relate to that.  In art school I thought I was buddies with my roommates, until one day the decided they didn't like me, so despite being around me ALL DAY because we had the same class (and it was like 6 hours with tons of breaks and opportunities to talk) they decided not to mention that they didn't feel like driving me home- we lived 6 miles away from school and carpooled there and back, every day, and I chipped in for gas.  

So I ended up making a 6 mile walk, which took an hour and a half, in the dark, along a road with very few street lights and surrounded by woods.  Literally half the time I couldn't see.  When I got back, all they said was they texted me- and my phone was dead, and in the house, so of course they got no response, and rather than call (In which case they would have known the phone was dead) or make any attempt to check that I was in fact aware that I no longer had any way of getting home, they jetted.  Did I mention that I had seen these people all day and not a SINGLE peep from any of them about this?  Safe to say I realized who my friends weren't that day.  

cruffino

@Hailey

Oh man, that sucks, I'm sorry. It's one thing to distance yourself from someone, but really another shitty thing altogether to put someone in a dangerous position.

I like the concept of "when people show you who they are, believe them". I really feel like he has showed me with this. And your art school colleagues definitely showed their ass with that stunt.

HaileyDancingbear

@cruffino yeah I'm still pissed about that.  I'm also extremely pissed at myself for how I handled that- when I got home I was worried I made them mad so I DID THEIR FRIGGIN DISHES after an hour and a half of walking.  

Emmy1493

HaileyDancingbear said:

@cruffino yeah I'm still pissed about that.  I'm also extremely pissed at myself for how I handled that- when I got home I was worried I made them mad so I DID THEIR FRIGGIN DISHES after an hour and a half of walking.  

There would have been itch powder in their undies. 

But at least you handled it maturely, and now know who your friends are. It is a hard lesson to learn, but sometimes you just have to roll with it. Lord knows I have had too.

Senecaf

Dude, your wedding is in 6 days! I would be upset too. I think that is very crappy and they could have possibly split up to attend both events if this birthday things was such a big deal.

cruffino

Senecaf said:

Dude, your wedding is in 6 days! I would be upset too. I think that is very crappy and they could have possibly split up to attend both events if this birthday things was such a big deal.

i agree totally. boooooo on him.

Cokezerofreak

I'd be upset too.  And 6 days before the wedding you can't even invite anyone else at this point!

I'm upset with the FI's cousins that pressured us into inviting them to our wedding (although they knew it was smaller than FBIL's) and have now RSVP'd in the negative.  So we take people off the list for you guys because you said you want to go then you say no? 

HisGirlFriday13

Cokezerofreak said:

I'd be upset too.  And 6 days before the wedding you can't even invite anyone else at this point!

I'm upset with the FI's cousins that pressured us into inviting them to our wedding (although they knew it was smaller than FBIL's) and have now RSVP'd in the negative.  So we take people off the list for you guys because you said you want to go then you say no? 

You can't invite anyone else at all, ever, based on declines, because that's called B-listing and it's rude. 

pumpkinsandturkeys

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Cokezerofreak said:

I'd be upset too.  And 6 days before the wedding you can't even invite anyone else at this point!

I'm upset with the FI's cousins that pressured us into inviting them to our wedding (although they knew it was smaller than FBIL's) and have now RSVP'd in the negative.  So we take people off the list for you guys because you said you want to go then you say no? 

You can't invite anyone else at all, ever, based on declines, because that's called B-listing and it's rude. 

This.

Almost equally as rude as bailing on someone's wedding a week beforehand.

FiancB

I'd be really upset too. Wedding=way bigger deal than a birthday. He might not be able to make it to a birthday party but can still take her out to lunch or whatever. And 6 days out! I wonder if something else is going on.

At any rate, congrats on your wedding that's less than a week away!

thisismynickname2

OP, I'm sorry to hear that. Even minor disses get under my skin. It's rude to cancel any plans when something "better" or "more important" comes along. That's why major events, including birthdays, should be planned well in advance with plenty of advance notice for all guests. 

cruffino

FiancB said:

I'd be really upset too. Wedding=way bigger deal than a birthday. He might not be able to make it to a birthday party but can still take her out to lunch or whatever. And 6 days out! I wonder if something else is going on.

At any rate, congrats on your wedding that's less than a week away!

that's what i was thinking. birthdays are not that big a deal. but alas, its his decision to make.

cruffino

thisismynickname said:

OP, I'm sorry to hear that. Even minor disses get under my skin. It's rude to cancel any plans when something "better" or "more important" comes along. That's why major events, including birthdays, should be planned well in advance with plenty of advance notice for all guests. 

that's how it felt, like i got passed over for a better deal. 

kmmssg

Do you think maybe since she is elderly the family is thinking they don't have too many more opportunities to do surprise parties for her and they threw it together?  Any chance her health is failing or their might be more to the story?