I've to pay for the engagement party, hen (bachelorette) party AND the bridal shower?

HollyIris

I'm the MOH for my best friend, and of course I was delighted when she asked me, but some of the things she wants me to do for her are a bit overkill, I think.

Before she asked me to be her MOH, my FI and I offered to throw her and her FI and engagement party, and although there's only 22 people attending, and we're having it at our home, it's still costing us £500 (around $820) which was fine, we were quite happy to do that. It's happening tomorrow. When she asked me to be her MOH, we started talking about her hen party, and she told me she wants to go stay in London for the weekend, and because I "have the most money" (when I actually earn less than her) she thinks it would only be fair for me to pay for both me and her and any "extra costs" for everybody (not really sure what she means by this). So that's another £800+ (around $1.320+). Now since we live in Britain, I wasn't going to host a bridal shower, because it's just generally not done. BUT she wants me to host one of those as well, in a posh restaurant, and expects me to pay for all of it (it's £40 ($65) a head, there would be 20 of us going). And obviously I'm paying for my dress which is another £350 ($570).

Obviously I'm quite happy to pay for my dress, and for the engagement party, and to pay for my share and most of hers for the hen party, but I feel it's a little excessive to ask me to pay for all of her share of the hen party (it's it supposed to be shared equally among the bridesmaids?) AND to pay £800 for a bridal shower plus whatever presents I get her. I feel like she's asking too much of me, but please tell me if I'm in the wrong.

Teddy917

Nope. You're right. She shouldn't be asking for those things. She should wait until they're offered. And she shouldn't be able to dictate how much is spent on them/where you go/anything except maybe guest list.

Maggie0829

HollyIris said:

I'm the MOH for my best friend, and of course I was delighted when she asked me, but some of the things she wants me to do for her are a bit overkill, I think.

Before she asked me to be her MOH, my FI and I offered to throw her and her FI and engagement party, and although there's only 22 people attending, and we're having it at our home, it's still costing us £500 (around $820) which was fine, we were quite happy to do that. It's happening tomorrow. When she asked me to be her MOH, we started talking about her hen party, and she told me she wants to go stay in London for the weekend, and because I "have the most money" (when I actually earn less than her) she thinks it would only be fair for me to pay for both me and her and any "extra costs" for everybody (not really sure what she means by this). So that's another £800+ (around $1.320+). Now since we live in Britain, I wasn't going to host a bridal shower, because it's just generally not done. BUT she wants me to host one of those as well, in a posh restaurant, and expects me to pay for all of it (it's £40 ($65) a head, there would be 20 of us going). And obviously I'm paying for my dress which is another £350 ($570).

Obviously I'm quite happy to pay for my dress, and for the engagement party, and to pay for my share and most of hers for the hen party, but I feel it's a little excessive to ask me to pay for all of her share of the hen party (it's it supposed to be shared equally among the bridesmaids?) AND to pay £800 for a bridal shower plus whatever presents I get her. I feel like she's asking too much of me, but please tell me if I'm in the wrong.

You are not wrong at all.

First, your friend should not be asking or requesting you to host and cover costs for parties.  That is beyond rude and presumptuous of her to think that you have money growing on a tree in your backyard that you can just spend willy nilly.

At this point throw her the engagement party that you are planning and are more then comfortable doing.  Everything else that she has mentioned, ignore it.  You should only plan and pay for things that you are 100% comfortable with.  If she mentions either the hen party or bridal shower again just bean dip her:

Bride:  So I want you to spend $5000 on my hen party

You:  Have you tried this bean dip it is amazing

Bride:  And you need to host my bridal shower and spend another $5000

You:  Seriously you need to try this dip it is beyond fantastic

Finally, your friend should not be planning these parties.  Pre-wedding parties are gifts not requirements.  If you and the rest of the bridal party want to plan her something then that is fine but you and the others involved should plan something that you are comfortable with, not just because the bride requested something.

I am sorry that your friend contacted the Bridezilla virus.

BMoreBride6

I still can't get past the almost $600 BM dress!

Maggie0829

BMoreBride6 said:

I still can't get past the almost $600 BM dress!

I missed that part!!  Holy shit OP, did the bride ask your budgets before picking out a freaking expensive ass dress?  I probably already know that answer though.

Emmy1493

OP,

RUUNN! Run far away from this madness!

Jen4948

I'd just plan the engagement party you and your FI have been planning and let it go at that.  If she starts talking about anything that's out of your budget or otherwise not workable for you, I'd just say so, as in "That sounds lovely, but it's not possible for me."  And if she doesn't get it, keep bean-dipping her.

NavyBlue143

That dress costs more than my mortgage payment...

HisGirlFriday13

You are far nicer than I am -- that's a far too expensive BM dress, IMHO.

Otherwise, PPs are dead-on: she doesn't get to ask/dictate/demand/request any of the things she's asking/dictating/demanding/requesting. 

You need to sit her down and have a come-to-Jesus conversation with her about her expectations, because they're unreasonable.

When will brides understand that they don't get to spend other people's money?? You just don't! You get to spend your own money, but no one else's.

MrsMcCaw

I noticed you are engaged yourself and are likely planning your own wedding. This makes it even more ridiculous that she expects you to spend so much money on her wedding. You need to sit her down and have a serious talk or better yet tell her about this wonderful wedding site you found.

HollyIris

MrsMcCaw said:

I noticed you are engaged yourself and are likely planning your own wedding. This makes it even more ridiculous that she expects you to spend so much money on her wedding. You need to sit her down and have a serious talk or better yet tell her about this wonderful wedding site you found.

I'm actually 99% sure she's already in it, haha.

lc07

This is so weird to me. I don't have any friends that would ever ask me to spend my money on them.

HollyIris

lc07 said:

This is so weird to me. I don't have any friends that would ever ask me to spend my money on them.

I know! It's really weird to me too; she's normally the most selfless, generous person there is. I really didn't expect her to be so materialistic about it.

doeydo

I really think you need to sit her down and talk to her, as HisGirlFriday13 said.  If she keeps being an insane bridezilla and keeps expecting you to spend ridiculous amounts of money, I would honestly probably tell her that unfortunately you cannot afford to do everything she is asking of you and are therefore backing out of the wedding.

sarahufl

OP, this is absurd. You shouldn't pay for all of that. And ditto PPs- what the hell kind of dress are you getting? My own wedding dress cost less than that!

kgd7357

I think she may not realize what she's asking. A quick reality check should do the trick if she is normally a functional person. Just let her know what you can and cannot afford.

LondonLisa

Oh my word- how beyond inappropriate! I just had to pick my jaw up off the table. This bride is turning into a complete Gimme Pig!

I agree with the Bridal Shower, the only ones I have been to are for Yanks living here (I'm British as well). I have never heard of a British woman having one and would seriously side-eye it! (For some reason, it doesn't bother me when the North Americans do it in London- I think it is their warm accents and perpetual smiles haha )

I think you need to have a serious chat with this friend about expectations- she is beyond rude! I am embarrassed for her! 

wandajune6

That's ridiculous. End of story.

I'd tell her that while you want her to have her dream wedding, you simply can't finance it. Tell her you can throw the engagement part, buy the dress, and pay your own way for the hen party- and that's all. Then tell her that you understand if that's not enough for her and offer to back out.

erinlin25

HollyIris said:

I'm the MOH for my best friend, and of course I was delighted when she asked me, but some of the things she wants me to do for her are a bit overkill, I think.

Before she asked me to be her MOH, my FI and I offered to throw her and her FI and engagement party, and although there's only 22 people attending, and we're having it at our home, it's still costing us £500 (around $820) which was fine, we were quite happy to do that. It's happening tomorrow. When she asked me to be her MOH, we started talking about her hen party, and she told me she wants to go stay in London for the weekend, and because I "have the most money" (when I actually earn less than her) she thinks it would only be fair for me to pay for both me and her and any "extra costs" for everybody (not really sure what she means by this). So that's another £800+ (around $1.320+). Now since we live in Britain, I wasn't going to host a bridal shower, because it's just generally not done. BUT she wants me to host one of those as well, in a posh restaurant, and expects me to pay for all of it (it's £40 ($65) a head, there would be 20 of us going). And obviously I'm paying for my dress which is another £350 ($570).

Obviously I'm quite happy to pay for my dress, and for the engagement party, and to pay for my share and most of hers for the hen party, but I feel it's a little excessive to ask me to pay for all of her share of the hen party (it's it supposed to be shared equally among the bridesmaids?) AND to pay £800 for a bridal shower plus whatever presents I get her. I feel like she's asking too much of me, but please tell me if I'm in the wrong.

wow! No No No!!!  your friend sounds like an entitled princess and she needs a reality check.  Those things are all GIFTS and not required.  It was very generous of you to offer the engagement party, I hope you all have fun and I hope your friend appreciates it.  Sometimes what we want does not always mean we get it and that is a lesson your friend will have to learn.  Sounds to me like she picked you to be MOH because as she said it "you have the most money."  I would be so hurt and disrespected if my "friend" ever say that to me and would probably cut ties with her if she did not apologize.  That is so incredibly rude I am just sad for you.

If you would like to do these things you need to talk to talk to her other bridesmaids and see if anyone is able to help out and chip in.  Again, they are not required to but majority of bridesmaid would help out if they can.  Keep in mind you need to ASK them for a budget of what they can contribute and then go from there.  Don't dictate how much you need.  If it works out great, if not then it just does not happen--or you choose to host something you can afford.  Bride in no way gets to dictate where it is at and how much you need to spend.  She needs to learn "you get what you get and you don't get upset!"

Are hen parties like bachelorette parties?  I have heard the "hen party" term but don't really know what it means.  But just like the bridal shower suggested above, I would think the hen party would be the same way (see if others are able to help host; if not you can choose to host something if you can on YOUR budget, not the brides.

Did the bride even ask you what your budget was on your dress?  I love my friends dearly but I would never spend that much money on a bridesmaid dress. You are a very nice friend and I sure hope the bride appreciates you!

sorry if my questions were answered--I replied before i read the rest of the thread!