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Wedding Woes

Exs at the Wedding....

My boyfriend (he hasn't proposed yet), says to me last week that he was talking to his female friend (from high school that he use to sleep with) and apparently told her that she will have to come to our city when we get married, she lives like 3 states away in his home town. I was a little shocked by this announcement. Am I completely crazy to think it's not ok to have someone you use to sleep with at your wedding? 
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Re: Exs at the Wedding....

  • 6fsn6fsn
    Ancient Membership 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    DH and I both had people we used to sleep with at our wedding.
    dxavierah
  • We both had several exes at the wedding. One of H's was a reader during our ceremony.
    dxavierah
  • I guess I just have a problem looking at someone he use to be inside of.... on our wedding day.
    Amyzen83sweetascocoaSaraBrideSoon
  • He's marrying you and not her right?
    dxavierah
  • Hasn't proposed yet, so I'll let you know if that's the case if he actually does marry me. I see this as a red flag though.

  • 6fsn6fsn
    Ancient Membership 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    You're obviously putting the cart before the horse, but I really don't see this as a red flag.  Ultimately that's between the two of you though.  Just because it didn't bother us doesn't mean it has to be ok with you.
    dxavierah
  • I'm not putting anything before the horse. He brought up the whole wedding thing to his girl friend/ person he use to sleep with. I think that's weird enough, but inviting her without discussioning that sort of thing with me first I think is a red flag.
    sweetascocoa
  • Why would this be a red flag? I'm close friends with a lot of my exes, and they were at my wedding. If your boyfriend still has feelings for this girl, or if you don't trust him, then you shouldn't get married anyway.
    dxavierahpumpkinsandturkeys
  • Think of it like this: if he had feelings for this girl still, he probably wouldn't be inviting her to this wedding. And hopefully he wouldn't be marrying you. If he were hiding something from you, I doubt he'd parade her around in front of you at your wedding. And I doubt he'd tell you about it this early on. 

    Plus, this was his high school girlfriend. IDK how old you are but I'm assuming at least a few years have passed and it's all water under the bridge. I know there's guys I would have died to have gone out with in high school and now I'm like ummm wtf brain/hormones???

    Staying friends with exes is a foreign concept to me so we won't be having exes at our wedding, but if FI were still friends with one and wanted to invite her I wouldn't have a problem with it. I am kind of tossing around the idea of inviting ex's family since they're pretty awesome even if my ex isn't. 

    If this is a red flag, it isn't a red flag that he's a jerk. We almost all have exes and a lot of us stay on good terms with them. It's a red flag that you have trust issues. 
    image
  • I'm just extremely conservative when it comes to things like this. I absolutely trust him, but I feel like it has more to do with respect. I can understand that all of you don't see my point of view. I don't believe you should stay friends with people you have had an intimate relationship with, but in todays society with the technology we have it is a very easy thing to do. I don't keep in contact with mine and I have no desire to, however my ex wrote me for Christmas this year(he knows I'm in Afghanistan and wanted to see how I was doing) and my boyfriend asked me not to respond to him because it didn't make him feel good. Because my boyfriend means obviously more to me than my ex and because I respect my boyfriends feelings, I never responded. Just giving an example of why I think he should have spoken to me about all of this before tell his ex she was invited to our wedding that we're not even engaged for yet!
  • Definite horse before cart, but some possible underlying things going on here...

    1) very young, limited depth of life experience
    2) boyfriend previously cheated, perhaps with an ex
    3) OP previously cheated with an ex at some point
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    csavilletakiyahstep
  • I'm just extremely conservative when it comes to things like this. I absolutely trust him, but I feel like it has more to do with respect. I can understand that all of you don't see my point of view. I don't believe you should stay friends with people you have had an intimate relationship with

    Why?

    I could see you not wanting your partner to hang out alone with an ex, or feeling uncomfortable with them having intimate phone conversations into all hours of the night, but why do you feel that someone should stop being friends just because they stop having sex? I really don't see the correlation. Just because I no longer want to date someone doesn't mean that they're not funny or supportive or a good influence on my life.

    Some of my exes are my best friends, and I'd be very hurt if my partner didn't want me to talk to or see them or invite them to our wedding simply because we've been intimately involved in the past.
  • Not young at all, in fact I've been deployed 3 times to Afghanistan and 2 times in Iraq. I have lots of life experience and I think just because I have different views on how people should handle exs doesn't make me insecure or young. I definetly don't think your exs should be your best friends... your HUSBAND should be your best friend. Bummer that this site is so judgemental on people who have conservative views.
  • FiancBFiancB
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited February 24
    My parents are around 70 years old and both were very good friends with one of my mom's exes up until he passed recently. I think he was their best man if I recall correctly. It has nothing to do with technology or "these days". Believe me, no one on this planet has more conservative views than my parents do. Almost-as-conservative sister also had exes on both sides of their wedding party in '99. 

    Like others said, I could understand realistically that someone wouldn't be comfortable with their SO hanging out with an ex alone, but a wedding isn't really a big deal. You invite people that are a big influence on your life, and that may very well include an ex that people are on good terms with. If I were on good terms with my ex, that's someone that I spent 5 years of my life with so I probably would invite him. 

    Like I said, I haven't stayed friends with any exes but for those that are I say good on them. If this girl lives several states away I doubt she'll show anyway. And again, you're sweating over a high school relationship. 
    image
  • This is different for everyone. There will be ex-s from both sides at my wedding. I have absolutely attended weddings for people who have seen me naked. Doesn't bother me.

    However, it clearly bothers you. Which means you need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what you do and do not want for your wedding. It is ok to be bothered by it, but you need to figure out what works best for you.
    imageimageimage
    Amyzen83dxavierah
  • DH and I had no exes at our wedding. I'm still really good friends with one of my exes, but didn't invite him because DH didn't want people there we used to be involved with.

    It didn't bother me, but it bothered him, and he was more important to me than this friend, obviously.

    I think that it's not necessarily a red flag, but it is concerning that this matters to you and doesn't bother your BF. Things that matter to one of you have to matter to both of you.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Amyzen83Jamiea291sweetascocoa
  • Honestly I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that exes make you feel uncomfortable, honestly Im one of those people who doesn't want anything to do with anybody who had previously had a relationship with my guy if it was sexual because to me sex is sacred. Fortunately I'm my fi's first and only, but I've mistakenly been with others and I have no intention of inviting any of my exes even if I did remain friends with them for that reason. I realize many people hav different dynamics with exes but what's important is that you and your bf thoroughly discuss the roles your exes play into your lives before even discussing marriage.
  • Jean0715Jean0715
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited February 24
    My ex is actually my best friend. I told my FI back when we started dating that "He (ex) was here before you, and if you chose to leave he will be here after you." 

    Edited: I suck at spelling.
    JennyColada
  • I'm similar. I have many very good friends, most of whom are male, some of whom are exes. My friends were there first & aren't going anywhere. Any guy I dated who didn't like it was free to take a hike. H knew the deal & it didn't affect our relationship, which is part of the reason we're married.

    To me, it really doesn't seem to be an issue of being conservative, it seems to be an issue of being jealous & insecure.
    JennyColadaFiancB
  • I'm just extremely conservative when it comes to things like this. I absolutely trust him, but I feel like it has more to do with respect. I can understand that all of you don't see my point of view. I don't believe you should stay friends with people you have had an intimate relationship with, but in todays society with the technology we have it is a very easy thing to do. I don't keep in contact with mine and I have no desire to, however my ex wrote me for Christmas this year(he knows I'm in Afghanistan and wanted to see how I was doing) and my boyfriend asked me not to respond to him because it didn't make him feel good. Because my boyfriend means obviously more to me than my ex and because I respect my boyfriends feelings, I never responded. Just giving an example of why I think he should have spoken to me about all of this before tell his ex she was invited to our wedding that we're not even engaged for yet!
    You need to have whatever conversation with us, with him. If he is telling you not to talk to ex's, then it's a two way street (unless your ex was abusive or something). This is a red flag because you two don't seem to be on the same page.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Amyzen83
  • I asked that DH not invite his ex-wife.

    One, my parents were hosting the reception, and, while they were willing to do whatever we wanted, neither of them appeared comfortable with it.  And, as it wasn't a hill DH was willing to die on, he didn't invite her.

    Plus, in his own words, while they're both their son's parents, they're not really friends.  And, as I pointed out, to invite her, plus her husband, and their 3 kids removed people from our guest list who we REALLY wanted to be there.  And, the only reason he wanted to invite her was to let her see their son in his tux.  Oh, and in his more snarky moments, he said "So she could see how awesome OUR wedding is." 

    Yeah, I'm not here to feed your 'grudge match' babe.  :p

    Honestly though, you're putting the cart before the horse. 

    We did, in fact, have someone that I used to be semi-sorta involved with (and who asked me out repeatedly) come to our wedding, but since he and I are friends first and foremost, and DH understands that, he didn't mind this guy coming to our wedding.

    It's not a red flag that he wants this chick there.  It'd be a red flag if he was boning her right before the ceremony though and that wasn't okay with you.  ;)
    Amyzen83
  • I'd think that this double standard was a red flag, too.
    image
    lc07
  • I think you should talk it out with him and discuss how you feel.  At the end of the day it doesnt really matter what other people think about having exes at their wedding because its about what makes you feel comfortable at YOUR wedding.

    I agree with Grabows14 that this is a conversation that you really need to have with your boyfriend.

    dxavierahAmyzen83
  • It depends on the relationship you (or he) has with the ex.  There is nothing wrong with having a friend who's an ex, and if everyone is ok with the friendship then you can have them at the wedding.  If it bothers either of you, you need to discuss it and come to an agreement about it TOGETHER.  I pesonally had an ex at my wedding.  We've always been friends and once we both got over the breakup, our friendship survived.  He and my husband are now friends and actually talk more that my  ex and I talk.  Life is too short to be stressed out about whether an ex is really an ex.  If you're that insecure about the ex maybe you shouldn't be talking marriage just yet.
    takiyahstep
  • When H and I got married, he wanted to invite a girl he had been interested in (not an ex exactly, she didn't want to go out with him) when he was in high school. I wasn't happy. Then he explained to me that aside from his little crush, they had been good friends. Maybe apart from the time they were a couple, they were friends. Another thing my husband told me to reassure me was that 1. She probably wouldn't come (OOT) and 2. The invitation was pretty much saying "I found someone better than you, and you can come to see how much cooler she is than you."
  • Not necessarily, you have to look at their relationship. My BIL went to his ex's wedding. Now if if it was his GF before you, I would be worried then. But someone from high school that he hasn't been involved with for a long time but still talks to, she's just a friend, nothing more. Remember, she may had him in the past, but you have him for the rest of your lives.
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