FSIL Attire

climbingsingle

I have to admit - I side-eye the shit out of a woman that wears a white dress to a wedding. Not cool.

banana468

FWIW, I've only seen one woman wear a silky white / cream dress that I thought was inappropriate.

I side eyed her just as I side-eyed the woman seated at my table in a polo shirt and capris.   I wanted to ask her why she thought that such an inappropriate outfit was acceptable for a wedding at an elegant inn.    

grumbledore

1. I always notice what people are wearing.
2. 99% of wedding dresses in the US are some variation of white.
3. I always notice a wedding guest wearing white.
4. As such, I wouldn't do it because I don't want that kind of attention.
5. I'd side-eye it because I would assume the white-wearer was looking for the aforementioned attention.

sarahufl

Etiquette aside, I just wouldn't wear a white dress to a wedding. It seems strange to me. I also don't wear much white anyway, because I spill and I am clumsy so I would likely wreck it by the end of the night

Maggie0829

Off topic, but I really did not understand the hub bub that was Pippa Middleton and her dress.

But I really did love Kate's (or should I say Catherine's) dress, especially the gathering in the back at her waist.  I think that no matter what her dress looked like it was going to be a let down because the media just built that shit up like crazy.  Nothing can ever hold up against the media and their craziness.

APDSS22

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Maggie0829

shrekspeare said:

I think the hub bub was about Pippa's bum. Like, hot damn she looked good. 

Yeah, I still didn't get it.  I mean what did they think she was going to look like?  A fat, huge ass slob?  I mean everyone knew she was in shape and thin so it really wasn't a huge surprise.  And honestly, the dress really didn't do all that much for her butt.  it wasn't like it was booty hugging.

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Or maybe that was her favorite dress, or the dress she felt she looked the best in.

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Or maybe that was her favorite dress, or the dress she felt she looked the best in.



Too bad. She should have picked something else.

I know it's not just about the bride but there IS guest etiquette that needs to be followed. I don't care if sunshine literally radiates from you when you wear your favorite dress. If it's white, don't wear it to an effing wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Or maybe that was her favorite dress, or the dress she felt she looked the best in.

Too bad. She should have picked something else. I know it's not just about the bride but there IS guest etiquette that needs to be followed. I don't care if sunshine literally radiates from you when you wear your favorite dress. If it's white, don't wear it to an effing wedding.

Meh, I just don't and will never agree with you guys on the "white rule."

cupcait927

OP, I think your response back to your FMIL was very appropriate and really, the best way you could handle that situation. If FSIL still wants to wear that dress, knowing full well the kind of attention she's going to be getting, then that's her decision. Good to know that you won't let it bother you and disrupt your day

I know that I personally would assume anyone besides the bride wearing white to a wedding is simply looking for attention. It is widely known that most brides wear some variation of white on their wedding day and for a guest to show up in a white dress (unless the bride has some crazy dress code or the wedding is very informal) is either attention-seeking or simply doesn't care. I wouldn't let it ruin my day if someone showed up in white to my wedding but I would judge. 

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Or maybe that was her favorite dress, or the dress she felt she looked the best in.

Too bad. She should have picked something else.

I know it's not just about the bride but there IS guest etiquette that needs to be followed. I don't care if sunshine literally radiates from you when you wear your favorite dress. If it's white, don't wear it to an effing wedding.

Meh, I just don't and will never agree with you guys on the "white rule."


You can disagree but it's still an etiquette rule. It's like being fine with cash bars. Just because you don't care doesn't mean it's OK.

APDSS22

@PrettyGirlLost even if that was the case, that it was her absolute favorite dress and she felt slamming in it, she still wore it to a wedding.  My point is that unless you are the bride, if you're wearing white to a wedding, it's pretty much guaranteed to garner extra attention from other guests.  I think it's a well enough known fact that she knew she was going to get lots of attention doing it and decided to wear that dress anyway.  In her case, she hadn't been living under a rock so she must have wanted the attention.  It's not wearing white that people mind, it's the fact that everyone knows you shouldn't wear white to a wedding and then someone does it anyway.  I'm sure you'd get more attention if you showed up in fig leaves but I have never seen anyone ballsy enough to do it.

phira

Wearing white to a wedding is a victimless crime. I wouldn't do it because it's so frowned upon, but the reasons it's frowned upon are really wishy washy to me. Then again, I think the wearing white as the bride tradition is wishy washy.

So basically, I wouldn't wear white to a wedding because it's rude to do so, but I don't really think it SHOULD be considered rude to do so.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I have seen someone wear a white cocktail dress to a wedding.  They were an aunt of the bride and you can bet my whole table was looking at her and wondering what she was thinking.  Yes, the bride wore white and nobody mistook the aunt for the bride.  I don't think the guest was clueless, I'm pretty sure they were looking for attention.  Mission accomplished.  Between the guest wearing white and the fact that we had to stand outside for cocktail hour in the middle of a Texas summer there was no lack of conversation at that reception.

OP: I'm glad you found a way to convey that while you might not have a problem with FSIL wearing white, guests might side-eye it.  Because I'm sure at least some of them will think she's only out for attention.  Now if she still wears white at least she'll have to own that's what she wants.

Or maybe that was her favorite dress, or the dress she felt she looked the best in.

Too bad. She should have picked something else. I know it's not just about the bride but there IS guest etiquette that needs to be followed. I don't care if sunshine literally radiates from you when you wear your favorite dress. If it's white, don't wear it to an effing wedding.

Meh, I just don't and will never agree with you guys on the "white rule."

You can disagree but it's still an etiquette rule. It's like being fine with cash bars. Just because you don't care doesn't mean it's OK.

No it's not an etiquette rule.  What a guest wears to a wedding does not have any effect on other guests' comfort.  This is a supposed fashion rule.

Comparing the supposed "white rule" to a cash bar is apples and oranges.  You will never see me condoning a cash bar, btw!

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

@PrettyGirlLost even if that was the case, that it was her absolute favorite dress and she felt slamming in it, she still wore it to a wedding.  My point is that unless you are the bride, if you're wearing white to a wedding, it's pretty much guaranteed to garner extra attention from other guests.  I think it's a well enough known fact that she knew she was going to get lots of attention doing it and decided to wear that dress anyway.  In her case, she hadn't been living under a rock so she must have wanted the attention.  It's not wearing white that people mind, it's the fact that everyone knows you shouldn't wear white to a wedding and then someone does it anyway.  I'm sure you'd get more attention if you showed up in fig leaves but I have never seen anyone ballsy enough to do it.

That's part of the point I am trying to get across.  "Everyone knows you shouldn't wear white to a wedding" because other people assume you are wearing white just to garner attention.  Why are we wasting all this time and energy on unfounded assumptions based on the color of a person's clothing?  White, red, black- people make all sorts of judgements and assumptions when people wear these colors to weddings.

It's ridiculous and catty, frankly, in my opinion.  It has nothing to do with etiquette.

Again, if we tell brides that they shouldn't be concerned with what guests wear to their weddings, and that they shouldn't try to dictate and micromanage guest atrtire, then that includes the colors red, black, and white, and other guests should get over it too and stop perpetuating these silly assumptions and judgements.

And again, I'm not trying to pick on @banana468 or you or anyone else who side eyes women who wear white to weddings.  I like and respect your opinions, and if you want to side eye people, have at it.  I have enjoyed this discussion and I'm just trying to throw out a rebuttal to this old debate.

ETA: so.many.typos ><

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

Wearing white to a wedding is a victimless crime. I wouldn't do it because it's so frowned upon, but the reasons it's frowned upon are really wishy washy to me. Then again, I think the wearing white as the bride tradition is wishy washy.

So basically, I wouldn't wear white to a wedding because it's rude to do so, but I don't really think it SHOULD be considered rude to do so.

Pretty much.

APDSS22

But we're human, we have foibles.  Humans can be very catty, petty, etc.  I agree with not trying to control guest attire, but guests will make assumptions if you're wearing white.  *shrugs*  Of course, if it wasn't that, guests would find something else to remark on, which is probably why it persists.

EllieAugust

Wow, i didn't realize that it is such a hotly debated topic.  While I would never wear white to someone else's wedding, I can honestly say I don't care if my FSIL wears white.  Apparently though, my FH does...and he told his mother that he thought the whole thing was silly and she should get another dress.  His mother agreed.  Apparently that turned into a huge mess where FSIL told him that this was the only dress she could afford and looked good on her and that she refused to hide in the corner at our wedding in a plain dress...

I have said I want nothing to do with it.  I don't care what she wears to our wedding.  However, the whole thing reminded me why I did not ask her to be in my wedding party or come to my bachelorette party!  Maybe someday we will have the great relationship I have with my FBIL.

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

But we're human, we have foibles.  Humans can be very catty, petty, etc.  I agree with not trying to control guest attire, but guests will make assumptions if you're wearing white.  *shrugs*  Of course, if it wasn't that, guests would find something else to remark on, which is probably why it persists.

People are only catty  and petty if they choose to be.  And when people are being catty, I just usually choose to ignore it Or I try to, anyways. 

Look, I'm guilty of commenting on what people are wearing- I admitted it earlier in the thread.  So don't think I'm claiming to be a sweet, innocent, Saint by any means!  I'm not.  I know being a little catty and snarky can be fun.

I just don't care if someone wears white, or red, or black to a wedding. . . unless their ass is hanging out, or their boobs are falling, out, or they look like they just came off of the pole, etc.

PrettyGirlLost

EllieAugust said:

Wow, i didn't realize that it is such a hotly debated topic.  While I would never wear white to someone else's wedding, I can honestly say I don't care if my FSIL wears white.  Apparently though, my FH does...and he told his mother that he thought the whole thing was silly and she should get another dress.  His mother agreed.  Apparently that turned into a huge mess where FSIL told him that this was the only dress she could afford and looked good on her and that she refused to hide in the corner at our wedding in a plain dress...

I have said I want nothing to do with it.  I don't care what she wears to our wedding.  However, the whole thing reminded me why I did not ask her to be in my wedding party or come to my bachelorette party!  Maybe someday we will have the great relationship I have with my FBIL.

I'm not saying I buy everything your FSIL is claiming, but look at all this unnecessary drama between her family that was created all over a stupid freaking dress.

You are wise to stay out of it.

banana468

Just because it doesn't have to do with guest's comfort hardly means that a guest wearing white is acceptable. By that logic, jeans, socks with sandals and even clubbing dresses are all acceptable etiquette - approved wedding attire.

I don't mean to beat a dead horse. This is just one of those things that chaps my hide

pumpkinsandturkeys

While the bride will always stand out no matter what, I find that a guest wearing white is inherently disrespectful. Even if they're not drawing all of the attention away from the bride or showing her up, it gives the illusion that they're TRYING to do so. Of all of the colours that you could wear, why do you have to choose what is generally the only colour a bride will wear?

Even if the dress makes you feel great and look fantastic, it's simply in poor taste and a little selfish.

I once went to a wedding where TWO guests (relatives of the bride/groom) wore white... and one of those dresses was sequined head-to-toe. I was aghast and couldn't believe the nerve of them. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the unwritten no-white rule, the vast majority of wedding guests will still notice that there is a person in white other than the bride, and that at least a few people (myself included) will side-eye the crap out of them as a result.

fionahalliwell

I was at a wedding where one of the bride's family members wore white. It's worth noting that this was a controversial relative in the first place, the kind of person who would elicit whispers anyway, and this just magnified that by a zillion because she wore a really expensive/name designer white gown. It was just plain weird. 

Maggie0829

I would never wear white to a wedding and I tend to side-eye people that do.  But I also side-eye people who are not appropriately dressed or are stumbling around drunk or making an ass out of themselves.

With that said, I don't think that wearing white or red or black, or wearing jeans to a formal event is in anyway against etiquette.  Not being properly dressed for an event just makes you look silly but it certainly isn't an etiquette faux pas.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

Just because it doesn't have to do with guest's comfort hardly means that a guest wearing white is acceptable. By that logic, jeans, socks with sandals and even clubbing dresses are all acceptable etiquette - approved wedding attire. I don't mean to beat a dead horse. This is just one of those things that chaps my hide

You aren't beating anything!

In my way of thinking, I think you are confusing etiquette with proper or acceptable dress standards.  I feel those are horses of a different color, so to speak.

To me, etiquette is a set of social standards in which a person ensures they are a proper host.  These are for the most part timeless, cross cultural standards and guidelines established to ensure that  your guests are comfortable and well cared for.

Proper dress standards are fashion constructs in which a person ensures they don't leave the house looking like a fool!  These are a set of changing and often cyclical "rules" and trends that promote a certain aesthetic as fashionable.

I agree with you that jeans, socks with sandals, clubbing dresses- and can we add white socks with dark shoes- are horrific fashion violations, and are not appropriate at a formal wedding.  And while these infractions might hurt our eyes, they don't actually cause physical discomfort or harm.

So fashion violations don't cross over into etiquette violations for me.  Now if at any point they do actually cause someone physical harm, I will totally support the drafting of new etiquette legislation ;-)

AddieCake

I would never wear white to a wedding, but y'all know I am also firmly in the who gives a fuck camp on this after it happening at my wedding.

randerson123

Ugh, how annoying. It doesn't have anything to do with the color or the nature of the dress. If FMIL thinks FSIL is planning to wear something inappropriate, she should tell her daughter that. I agree with Maggie0829, it's inappropriate for FMIL to put you in that position. 

It reminds me of my mom ... she called me up the other day saying is it ok if my stepfather doesn't wear a tie because it hurts his neck. I tell her, yes, that's fine. Then she says, oh but it might look too casual. 

Wonder if it ever dawns on them that some of us don't want to micromanage the wardrobe of every person at the wedding. I expect my family to act like adults and use good judgement, not try to get "permission" to wear something they clearly know isn't quite appropriate. Brides have enough on their plates already!

APDSS22

PrettyGirlLost said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

But we're human, we have foibles.  Humans can be very catty, petty, etc.  I agree with not trying to control guest attire, but guests will make assumptions if you're wearing white.  *shrugs*  Of course, if it wasn't that, guests would find something else to remark on, which is probably why it persists.

People are only catty  and petty if they choose to be.  And when people are being catty, I just usually choose to ignore it Or I try to, anyways. 

Look, I'm guilty of commenting on what people are wearing- I admitted it earlier in the thread.  So don't think I'm claiming to be a sweet, innocent, Saint by any means!  I'm not.  I know being a little catty and snarky can be fun.

I just don't care if someone wears white, or red, or black to a wedding. . . unless their ass is hanging out, or their boobs are falling, out, or they look like they just came off of the pole, etc.

This actually happened at my wedding.  The friend who wore it is a little oblivious.  Very sweet though.  She definitely took out a good share of the keg.  Didn't effect me, but one of our mutual friends tried to apologize to me for her outfit for some reason.  Apparently, people were talking about her.  Might've been the sequins.  I'm just glad she had a good time.

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

But we're human, we have foibles.  Humans can be very catty, petty, etc.  I agree with not trying to control guest attire, but guests will make assumptions if you're wearing white.  *shrugs*  Of course, if it wasn't that, guests would find something else to remark on, which is probably why it persists.

People are only catty  and petty if they choose to be.  And when people are being catty, I just usually choose to ignore it Or I try to, anyways. 

Look, I'm guilty of commenting on what people are wearing- I admitted it earlier in the thread.  So don't think I'm claiming to be a sweet, innocent, Saint by any means!  I'm not.  I know being a little catty and snarky can be fun.

I just don't care if someone wears white, or red, or black to a wedding. . . unless their ass is hanging out, or their boobs are falling, out, or they look like they just came off of the pole, etc.

This actually happened at my wedding.  The friend who wore it is a little oblivious.  Very sweet though.  She definitely took out a good share of the keg.  Didn't effect me, but one of our mutual friends tried to apologize to me for her outfit for some reason.  Apparently, people were talking about her.  Might've been the sequins.  I'm just glad she had a good time.

I hope she didn't take out your wedding tent!  Did you see that GIF in another thread?

The pink highlighted- that happened at a friend's wedding.  Our mutual friend brought a date that was truly a stripper, and she was kinda dressed like one.  You could hear the record ripping as they walked into the church for the ceremony.