Need some help - at an impasse with fiance over registry - he wants to ask for $

canyouwink

I know this has been discussed many times in many different ways but I could use some more personal advice so here goes:

My fiance and I are at an impasse about a registry.   For some background we are both in our mid-late 30s, we live in NYC, and we've lived together for a couple years.  We are both really into cooking and entertaining and have been on our own for awhile so we have a well stocked kitchen already.  We are trying to save up to buy our own apartment in the next couple years but for now we are renters. 

He doesn't want to register at all except to ask for money to help us with a down payment, and I think it is rude to ask outright for money.  His family has more money than mine, and he doesn't see any issue with asking.  I think that people who want to or can give money already know we'd like it, but for our friends and family who can't give a lot I'd rather have a salad bowl we chose or a painting they made, or to just not get a gift but also not offend them than a small check.

I finally got him to concede that we could have a small registry but he wants to keep it under 10 items and we are inviting almost 200 people, and he wants to have a link to a paypal or something like that on it!

I really just want our wedding to be a fun party and I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to seem like we are money grubbers.  I think this is partly a cultural issue for us and he just doesn't understand my point of view, and we're having a real hard time compromising on this.  Does anyone have any advice?  Thanks!

Maggie0829

canyouwink said:

I know this has been discussed many times in many different ways but I could use some more personal advice so here goes:

My fiance and I are at an impasse about a registry.   For some background we are both in our mid-late 30s, we live in NYC, and we've lived together for a couple years.  We are both really into cooking and entertaining and have been on our own for awhile so we have a well stocked kitchen already.  We are trying to save up to buy our own apartment in the next couple years but for now we are renters. 

He doesn't want to register at all except to ask for money to help us with a down payment, and I think it is rude to ask outright for money.  His family has more money than mine, and he doesn't see any issue with asking.  I think that people who want to or can give money already know we'd like it, but for our friends and family who can't give a lot I'd rather have a salad bowl we chose or a painting they made, or to just not get a gift but also not offend them than a small check.

I finally got him to concede that we could have a small registry but he wants to keep it under 10 items and we are inviting almost 200 people, and he wants to have a link to a paypal or something like that on it!

I really just want our wedding to be a fun party and I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to seem like we are money grubbers.  I think this is partly a cultural issue for us and he just doesn't understand my point of view, and we're having a real hard time compromising on this.  Does anyone have any advice?  Thanks!

Yeah, that is a big no!  And I am glad you know that but he needs to learn it quick.  Like you said people already know money is a great gift and that is most likely what you will end up with at your wedding.

I think you and your FI need to sit down and come to a compromise in regards to how to address this issue when people ask you want you want for your wedding.  Your FI should not just say "we want money!" because that is tacky, but rather come to an agreement on a response like "we do have a small registry which is X and we are also saving up for an apartment."

As for your registry, has anyone offered to throw you a shower?  If so, you will most likely need to beef that sucker up since showers are gift giving events and most people use the registry either to buy directly from or to get an idea of what you like.  And there are going to be people who want to give you a box gift regardless and for a 200 person wedding a 10 item registry is not going to cut it.

Honestly, I would just add to the registry yourself and bump it up to 50 items so that you are covered.

I would just keep pressing that asking for money is rude, especially when your guests aren't even obligated to give you a gift.  Let him know that people are not dumb and that pretty much everyone knows that money is the majority most couples want.

And if he still doesn't listen to you, send him on here and we will be sure to give him an ear full

Lauderdale Pink

The easy way out is to go with Macy's.  You can register for everything you want and they also have the option for letting people add to the dream card (or whatever they call it).  Asking for money is really a no-no, and I am not a "rules" person at all.  If you get stuff you don't want, just return it for the cash.

AprilH81

Lauderdale Pink said:

The easy way out is to go with Macy's.  You can register for everything you want and they also have the option for letting people add to the dream card (or whatever they call it).  Asking for money is really a no-no, and I am not a "rules" person at all.  If you get stuff you don't want, just return it for the cash.

The dream card is basicly a Macy's Gift Card.  It is rude and still won't get them any closer to a down payment.

kgd7357

I went through this. My FI really wanted to ask for cash, which I vetoed. I told him there were some things that I really did want for the kitchen and bedroom (which I figured would make nice shower options), then suggested some things that would be nice for US to have. After I made some suggestions, he was more on board. I'd try coming up with a list of some things that would be appealing to him, which could help you grow to a modest registry. I'd try to shoot for at least 50 gifts over a big price range.

We ended up with a 70 item BB&B registry for a 200 person guest list. It was easier to make than I thought. There were a lot of items that we realized we could chuck and replace, some we saw that are not kitchen related but could be nice (a golf equipment organizer), and we put a few dream items on there (you know that $350 Kitchen Aid stand up mixer). We've already gotten more items on it than we expected (including that mixer!). The truth is, some people just like giving an object, and it's better to give them the option of something you like.

 

photokitty

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - so if you don't register you risk getting random gifts (which was fine with us) I did not have any showers.

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience.

Askiing for cash or having a Paypal button is not polite. BUT, There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the a house (or honeymoon or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

Aray82

Are the majority of your families/friends/other wedding guests from the NYC area as well? While asking for cash is rude no matter where you live, my family is from NYC and after attending weddings there and elsewhere around the country, I can attest that my NYC family (while they always give cash at weddings) is especially turned off by requests for cash--even when it is toward something specific. No one will say anything to the couple's face, but it is talked about for years on end whenever their names come up. It's like you're being told to do something that you would normally want to do anyway. As photokitty and other PPs have said, "literally everyone on earth" knows that people like to receive cash.

Like other PPs, I would also go with some kind of small registry. Ask for your fiance's thoughts on things he wouldn't normally buy himself, but would like to have in his new house. Cool drinking glasses? Glasses for different types of beer or cocktails? (I've been learning from starting my own registry that there is literally a different type of glass you can get for EVERY different type of beer!) Cool camping gear? A Foreman-type grill that is specifically for making snacks on a stick? (Yep, this exists!) You can spend some time together envisioning the types of get-togethers you want to host and recipes you'd want to try in your new home--that might get him more on-board with at least some kind of registry. He might be concerned about storage space/having to deal with a bunch of extra stuff before you move--and believe me, we're in the same boat as you--but that could be a source of inspiration as well. What kinds of good-quality items could serve multiple cooking functions? What kinds of designs take up less counter space? 

hoffse

Look this seriously depends on circle.

I've been on these boards a few years, and it seems like the NYC and New England region tend to do cash gifts.  That said, every single New Yorker who came to our wedding gave a physical gift.

Southerners are heavily physical gift givers.  We don't want people knowing how much we spent on a gift, which is unavoidable with cash.  There is also a pretty strong china, silver, and crystal culture down here that hasn't died.  Those are very traditional wedding gifts.

I just posted this on another thread, but we invited 300 people and received less than $400 cash.  We anticipated that and had a large registry to help guide folks.  Personally, I preferred it this way - if we had gotten a ton of cash, the bulk of our wedding gifts would have gone primarily to student loans.  It was really fun being buried in boxes without feeling obligated to be responsible with our wedding gifts.

If cash is king in your circle, then do a small registry for your shower (if you are having one) and leave it at that.  If your circle is made up of physical gift-givers, then make people's lives easier by having a larger registry.  You can figure out which group you fall in by registry-stalking your friends and acquaintances who are already married to see how much they registered for and how much they got.

Once you've done some recon, present the results to your H.  

The problem is that this really does vary widely, and no one person's experience on these boards will necessarily be what's right for you.  You need to see what happens with your friends and family before making a decision.

JMalettas

 I'm also happy to hear that you're working to get your fiance on board with the registries! It would be horribly rude to ask for cash, as you obviously know. There's always things you can register for, whether you're established in your home or not. My H and I already had pretty much everything as well, and were still able to make a registry. We're also big into cooking & entertaining, and there's always some sort of new novelty, or unique item we 'could' add to our kitchen. So we threw on a few things like that. Throw on some home decor items that speak to you! Random wall hangings, vases, picture frames. You can never have enough bath towels, extra bedding/linen, matching dish towels, etc. These are all things well established couples can easily add to their list! If you're having a shower, you're definitely going to want a registry, as it's usually only a gift-giving event. We used the same registry for our shower & our wedding, and just made sure there were enough items added on for both. We all know money is great! Especially if you're saving for a new home, & everyone knows it. The bottom line though is, it's up to your guests what they want to give you, & gifts are not mandatory. No one gets to choose exactly what they receive, and to try & dictate that you only want guests money, is horrible. People will get the point with a smaller registry. We had a medium sized registry, & received mainly cash gifts at our wedding anyways. This pretty much, is exactly what I'd be relaying, in your situation, to your FI.

 Good luck!

 *J

canyouwink

Thanks everyone for the advice!  We sat down and talked about it more last night, and I actually showed him the comments here.  

We finally agreed to just not have a registry at all. We're not having any showers or engagement parties, and he can spread the word through word of mouth through his family if he is concerned.