Hurtful MOB

cosenti7

I'm looking for advice on how to approach handling my very difficult mother. For some background, my parents divorced over 10 years ago and my father remarried the same woman he left my mother for. My mom has not dated since and continues to hold this terrible, bitter grudge against my dad (Rightly so). However, she seems to be very resentful of the fact that I am now preparing to marry my FI, continuously lamenting about her lack of husband or the husband she should have married. I'm used to all of this behavior. I wish my mother was excited for my upcoming wedding and marriage and I wish she would show any sort of support or interest. She doesn't have to help or offer to help with the plans but we do live together and it hurts my feelings that I really have no one to be excited with.

Ok, the matter at hand: My father and his wife and my FI's parents are contributing to the wedding, which we greatly appreciate. With this, my FI and I had to accept that my future stepmother's family will be in attendance. My FI and I are covering the cost of my mother's family (she has 11 brothers and sisters -- so my aunts uncles and cousins equal about 70 ppl alone). I want my mother to happy and comfortable so we offered for some of her childhood friends to be invited as well. I asked her for a list of a few close friends and their addresses about 6 months ago. I received a verbal list from her and put it in my Excel sheet. FI parents, my father, and my cousins helped me gather the proper addresses for everyone else we are inviting. I reminded my mother several times for her friend's addresses and she kept putting me off. Last week, I kindly reminded her that I wanted to send out all the STDs at the same time and I really needed the addresses for those six couples now. Still nothing. Reminded her on Friday. Nothing, except now she wants two more friends invited. I said "Alright but please those addresses." Shouldn't she be thrilled that I want her friends there? Is it so much to ask for help on those addresses? After finally losing my cool yesterday, she looked up the addresses by googling people and didn't even give me their full names. How am I supposed to use this information? How do I deal with my mother in a respectful way? I don't understand why she wouldn't be thrilled  that I was including the people important to her.

Maggie0829

cosenti7 said:

I'm looking for advice on how to approach handling my very difficult mother. For some background, my parents divorced over 10 years ago and my father remarried the same woman he left my mother for. My mom has not dated since and continues to hold this terrible, bitter grudge against my dad (Rightly so). However, she seems to be very resentful of the fact that I am now preparing to marry my FI, continuously lamenting about her lack of husband or the husband she should have married. I'm used to all of this behavior. I wish my mother was excited for my upcoming wedding and marriage and I wish she would show any sort of support or interest. She doesn't have to help or offer to help with the plans but we do live together and it hurts my feelings that I really have no one to be excited with.

Ok, the matter at hand: My father and his wife and my FI's parents are contributing to the wedding, which we greatly appreciate. With this, my FI and I had to accept that my future stepmother's family will be in attendance. My FI and I are covering the cost of my mother's family (she has 11 brothers and sisters -- so my aunts uncles and cousins equal about 70 ppl alone). I want my mother to happy and comfortable so we offered for some of her childhood friends to be invited as well. I asked her for a list of a few close friends and their addresses about 6 months ago. I received a verbal list from her and put it in my Excel sheet. FI parents, my father, and my cousins helped me gather the proper addresses for everyone else we are inviting. I reminded my mother several times for her friend's addresses and she kept putting me off. Last week, I kindly reminded her that I wanted to send out all the STDs at the same time and I really needed the addresses for those six couples now. Still nothing. Reminded her on Friday. Nothing, except now she wants two more friends invited. I said "Alright but please those addresses." Shouldn't she be thrilled that I want her friends there? Is it so much to ask for help on those addresses? After finally losing my cool yesterday, she looked up the addresses by googling people and didn't even give me their full names. How am I supposed to use this information? How do I deal with my mother in a respectful way? I don't understand why she wouldn't be thrilled  that I was including the people important to her.

You said that you know how your Mother is and are used to her behavior, so why is it surprising that even though you are trying to do something nice for her that she isn't showing excitement? She sounds like a very sad and bitter woman who may need therapy to try and get over her issues from her divorce.

At this point I would just skip the STDs to these couples.  But I would tell your Mother that you need the addresses and full names of those individuals by X date and if you don't receive them then you will not/can not invite them to the wedding.

I understand you want her to be excited for you and to be happy that you are doing something for her but as sad as it is, you just need to let expectation go.

zitiqueen

Ten years is a long time to hold a grudge.

cosenti7

Thanks for the replies. Both of you are right. I was just HOPING that she would take this opportunity to have a positive family experience. It isn't good for someone to hold onto a grudge this like and for what, the only people she is hurting is her daughter and herself. My dad is happily married, I guess. He isn't suffering, she is and I am.

Maggie, You are totally right. I guess I'll forget the STDs and see if she gives me the addresses in time for the actual invitation. I'm not surprised at all, it's just a shame that she is letting her bitterness ruin a time for us to bond. Oh well.

Teddy917

You do have a person to be excited with: your Fi. If you can't be excited with him, you might want to rethink marrying him.