I don't plan on asking my sister to be in our wedding

emilyritter

I have chosen to not ask my sister to be in my wedding party. We are not especially close even though she is only a few years younger than me. We have never been close and I have a hard time even staying in contact with her, as she is not particularly pleasant to talk to. She has not at all acknowledged our engagement (she did not show up to the extended family Christmas where we announced it to most of my side of the family) and has not acknowledged it on FB after we announced it. My mother is perfectly fine with what i choose to do and in fact, has been so amazing in this process. "Do what makes you two happy, not what other people think you should do" has been her mantra every time I call and freak out about something.  I still plan on inviting her and her boyfriend to the wedding, but my concern is the sideways comments that I am getting from some friends and family members. We haven't officially chosen our wedding party, as we are waiting to pick a date first, but when I have casually mentioned it to some when they have asked, the response that I get has not been positive. Am I being a mean big sister by not including her? Has anyone else came across this issue for themselves? My fiance will be having his brother as his best man. My other sibling is estranged from the entire family and will not be invited either. 

Artemischief

Personally, I think "so what?" If you don't want her in you're WP, no big deal. Being related does not make you close. Ask who you want, and do what you want (as long as you're following basic etiquette of course). Invite your sister to the wedding and get a picture with her. And enjoy your day!

chibiyui

There is nothing wrong with not including your sister in the bridal party. Don't discuss your wedding party with anyone not in it. Bean dip family members if they get nosy.

"Oh, is little sister in the wedding party?"

"Oh, we haven't finalized anything yet, have you seen that video with the 4 grandmas watching Beyonces "Drunk in Love?"

"But little sister will be in it right?"

"Surfboart. Those grandmas are the best"

AddieCake

You are not close with your sister, so it would be silly to ask her to be in your wedding. I don't know why people think that DNA creates its own set of rules and obligations for everything.

phira

Are you being a bad sister? Hell no.

How do you handle the nay-sayers?

"I'm sorry that you feel like I'm making a mistake, but I know my family situation better than you do, and I'd prefer not to have my sister in the wedding party."

"Thanks for your opinion, but it's none of your business."

"Family is important to me, and for reasons I don't want to go into with you, that's actually one of the reasons why I'm not asking my sister to be in the wedding party."

HisGirlFriday13

It's not a damn bit of anyone else's business who is or isn't in your WP.

ETA: hit post too soon.

Family is more than an accidental genetic similarity. Being related by DNA means nothing in terms of rights and privileges.

My husband did not invite his sister to our wedding because she is an unstable drug addict with anger issues.

When people in his family expressed surprise at that, we just said, 'Well, this is the decision we have made for our wedding and while you may not understand it, we would appreciate your respecting it and not bringing it up again. Have you tried the crab dip?'

SP29

Agreed with the above. No, you don't need to ask her to be in your wedding party.

I would share as little wedding info on the subject with others as possible. Though I am sure it will come up at some point with family, in particular. If so, it is up to you regarding how much information you want to share. You could explain that you are not very close with your sister, thus you did not ask her, you could bean dip them or tell them to butt out! 

kitsunegari89

You are not obligated to put anyone in the wedding that you don't want to. Seriously. That's one of the few areas you have total control over in wedding planning. Stress not!

Edit: I should note that whether or not my brother comes to my wedding depends on if he is on a drug/alcohol bender that week or not. He just missed grandma's funeral and he can't be relied on. I'd love to include him, but I'm not a masochist. Your situation isn't as extreme as mine, but who you include is up to you. Nobody should give you a hard time about it.

pinkshorts27

Agree with PP. Why are you discussing your WP with so many people? that just seems awkward. Bean dip anyone who asks you about it.

phira

@blueeyes90 Honestly, sometimes people ask. A lot of people have asked me if my father will be invited to the wedding, knowing that I'm estranged from him. It's actually very upsetting because I've had to have that discussion many times with people I don't really want to talk about it with.

Jen4948

No, you're not being a bad sister by not asking yours to be in your wedding party.  It's really no one else's business.  If someone brings it up, just say, "We chose our wedding party members based on closeness."  And if that doesn't end the conversation, call them on it: "I'm sorry, but the subject is closed."

Aray82

My sister is in mine, and her wedding is six months after mine. Recently she was talking about her BM dresses and the different body types of the girls in her party and it sounds like I may not be in hers since she hasn't officially asked me. Am I surprised? A little, yes. But offended? Not at all. I understand and respect whatever decision she's made/will make because it's her wedding party and her decision. 

pinkshorts27

phira said:

@blueeyes90 Honestly, sometimes people ask. A lot of people have asked me if my father will be invited to the wedding, knowing that I'm estranged from him. It's actually very upsetting because I've had to have that discussion many times with people I don't really want to talk about it with.

Oh, I didn't think of that, mostly because my family doesn't ask. I was taught that it was rude to pry and my family is generally like that so it came off odd to me. Makes sense, I just got the impression she was telling people who was in her BP all the time which seemed odd. Now I'm on the same page.

phira

@blueeyes90 Yeah, I was talking to my partner about whether or not he would need to tell people in his family, "phira is estranged from her father, he will not be at the wedding, please do not ask about it." We agreed that most of his family knows not to bring it up at the wedding, and certainly not to ask my family members about it ... but he has some friends that he has to talk to. Friends who would DEFINITELY ask me or my siblings (even worse than asking me), while we were at the wedding.

jenna8984

I'm actually really close to my brother and I'm not having him in mine. It's just a matter of logistics- he has two young toddlers who will be invited and it will just be easier for him to sit with/ watch after his kids rather than leave his wife that task. And since he has the kids he doesn't really have extra money for renting/ buying the attire so no big deal. He will sit in the front row with his kids and my parents. People will probably think it's strange since I was in his but whatever, him nor I find it necessary. 

wrigleyville

You aren't doing anything wrong. I wasn't in my brother's WP, and it didn't hurt or offend me. I didn't feel slighted or question his love for me. He and my SIL weren't in my WP either.

FiancB

No, you don't have to have her in the wedding party.

I didn't particularly want my sister in my wedding party but thought she'd be hurt if I didn't ask and my mom was going to give me crap over it. So I asked. And she turned me down. So there is that possibility too. 

But I wouldn't ask anybody that you aren't dying to have up there with you if you can avoid it. I just figured it wasn't a hill worth dying on in my case. And it worked out.

LadyMillil

I'm late to the party, but wanted to add that I am also not close to my sister. She has behaved similarly to your sister since I got engaged. I didn't want her in my WP and my fiancé supported this decision. However, my mother insisted and I caved. It has been a pain in the ass dealing with her and I do wish I had stood up to my mother and said sharing DNA doesn't mean someone needs to be in the WP. 

If you want her in the WP, then ask her, but be prepared for it to add extra stress if she is normally difficult to handle. If you don't want her in the WP, that is fine. Ditto PP that you don't need to discuss the WP with family and friends who aren't actually a part of it, and you can bean dip if people ask. You don't have to justify your WP decision to anyone. 

heathertims

I think you should just punch "nay-sayers" in the throat. I feel like that might violate some type of etiquette rule though. Sorry!