Now the Opinions start washing up...

juliar14

Hello! I've been engaged officially for a week now, which is apparently the amount of time it takes for your family to stop celebrating with you and start shooting their opinions at you! My FI and I plan on getting married in 2 years, and I'll be 23. My mother would like for me to wait until later that year so I'll be 24 for the sheer virtue of the fact that 24 SOUNDS older and more mature than 23. On top of that, my step-Grandmother is calling for me to wait 10 years to get married. Not a mis-type. TEN YEARS. I've explained to my mother the reason I prefer getting married earlier in the year as opposed to later in the year (apartment leases tend to run out in the Spring, and I see no reason for us to be in two apartments when we get married). I don't even want to talk to my Grandmother about the decade she would add. My FI has already been with me through health issues and a time where we thought I wouldn't make it much longer, saving my life on one occasion. 

How long until people just trust my FI's and my decision at face value?

JennyColada

I don't want to be a naysayer, but you're just 23. I think it's going to be some time until people trust your decision at face value. It's nothing personal, it's just that most early 20-somethings simply don't have their head on straight. Most people look back on themselves and think "what the hell was wrong with me?!" Personally, I cannot imagine making such a huge life choice at such a young age. I'm 30 and recently engaged myself. But both my mother and my grandmother were a bit older when they married (for their generation at least: my mom was 30 as well and my grandmother was 25). People doubting your choices is simply part of you being young. But you know what's right for you, and while it may be very frustrating and hurtful to be doubted, especially by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, you just have to take it in stride and smile and say "when you know, you know."

Mitch617

Actually she is just 21 if she will be 23 when she gets married in two years. I agree many people are still figuring a lot out at that age, but I don't know your situation. For now you might want to avoid talking about the timeline for the wedding since it is so far off either way. Just say, " we are enjoying being engaged and have not set a date" if people bug you about it. In a year or so you should get more serious about picking a date and having the family get on board. If things go well until then, your family might come around.

JennyColada

Mitch617 said:

Actually she is just 21 if she will be 23 when she gets married in two years.

Oh damn, I don't know how I brain farted on that one.

Thanks.

juliar14

Sorry I didn't clarify a few things. This was very much a heat of the moment vent. We're both graduating university this year and taking planning slowly. Of course my family is very happy for us, and we've been in a relationship for nearly four years at this point. In my opinion (which may be written off for my age) is that we never stop growing. The idea that one day you'll know who you are completely, and that you'll never change from that person, is absolutely foolish. It also implies that your wedding day is the end of growth and change. So holding back when I've clearly found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with is like sitting around waiting for life to happen. 

I realize I shouldn't have posted here and just gone to the students board. 

Dignity100

As far as apartment leases goes (I'm sure you have more reasons) most apartments will allow you to go month-to-month or even sign a short-term-lease after the initial 1-year-lease has expired.

I think those of us that are a little older will give you the advice to wait a little longer - you're young - what's the rush. The person I was dating in college was not the right person for me when I hit my mid- 20's (we were together 7 years when we broke up); if somebody would have told me that at 21, I would have probably laughed at them as well and said 'no this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with'.  I'm not the only one with this story.

All in all - we are just internet strangers giving your our opinions.

CamiSelene

I agree with @Dignity100. What's the rush? I was previously engaged at 21 to my college sweetheart, we were together 6 years (engaged for 3) and then broke up (5months before the wedding). There is still a lot of maturing and mental/emotional growth to happen in the next few years for the both of you. By the time I met my current fiancé, I knew what I really wanted out of life and a partner and was all the better for it. Even if you give your mom that extra year that she is asking, where's the harm? If your current place does not allow you to do short term rentals, then find one that does. Not all places go by one year leases.

TeddiD34

I agree with PP. It's not impossible to have a marriage work out that begins at 23, but from my experience, (including 6 couples of good friends/relatives that married at 23 or younger) marriage at 23 is too young. You still have too much growing to do.

Why the hurry?

juliar14

I guess I just don't view this as a "hurry." We've always moved at a pace that is comfortable for us, and as what @Dignity100 said, those that are older will tell us to wait. I see no reason to just hang out until we're older for the sake of being older. When that becomes the situation, it just doesn't make too much sense to me. Not all young people are the same person (which, when I read it, makes me sound very young. I don't know know any other way to put this.) I am a "Young Person" but I very much know what I want out of life. "Young" does not mean "Not Ready."

My parents were married at 22 (my mother very freshly 22), and have just celebrated 28 years of marriage. His parents were married at the same age and are about to celebrate 32 years. We've both been raised to believe that marriage is a very serious step to take, and we've had this conversation with experienced married couples that we know, and we're ready. (As for my mother, she literally said to me that 24 "sounds older than" 23 so it would be better.) ((I also turn 24 at a very inconvenient time of year in general.))

So why the rush? No rush. We're just ready to begin life as a married couple.

JennyColada

I understand you about not rushing but in still taking things quickly. My fiancé and I were discussing marriage by the third date, and were engaged just after 5 months of dating.

We didn't "rush", we just didn't feel the need to wait just to wait. So I totally feel you there.

climbingsingle

TeddiD34 said:

I agree with PP. It's not impossible to have a marriage work out that begins at 23, but from my experience, (including 6 couples of good friends/relatives that married at 23 or younger) marriage at 23 is too young. You still have too much growing to do.

Why the hurry?

Totally agree. Most people I know that got married in their early 20s (including ME!) are divorced now. 

I thought I had it all figured out at 23. That's how I old I was when I got married. We both had full time jobs and even owned a house. Boy, how wrong I was. Most people tend to do a lot of maturing and growing up in their 20s. Honestly, I'm now 33 and a completely different (and better) person than I was at 23. Just my $0.02. 

zitiqueen

juliar14 said:

Hello! I've been engaged officially for a week now, which is apparently the amount of time it takes for your family to stop celebrating with you and start shooting their opinions at you! My FI and I plan on getting married in 2 years, and I'll be 23. My mother would like for me to wait until later that year so I'll be 24 for the sheer virtue of the fact that 24 SOUNDS older and more mature than 23. On top of that, my step-Grandmother is calling for me to wait 10 years to get married. Not a mis-type. TEN YEARS. I've explained to my mother the reason I prefer getting married earlier in the year as opposed to later in the year (apartment leases tend to run out in the Spring, and I see no reason for us to be in two apartments when we get married). I don't even want to talk to my Grandmother about the decade she would add. My FI has already been with me through health issues and a time where we thought I wouldn't make it much longer, saving my life on one occasion. 

How long until people just trust my FI's and my decision at face value?

You want to get married sooner rather than later for an apartment lease. Your mom may have a point.

juliar14

Thank you everyone for your input! I'm very aware that I am young. And that young age is a risk factor for divorce in marriage. However, as I've repeatedly had to remind myself, you are all internet strangers. None of you know my specific situation and all of you seem to see my age and jump to conclusions. I'm sorry I thought I could vent here, but I will now keep all of that to the people in my personal life and keep it off of these boards.

I'd appreciate it if no one would reply to this any more. This vent was written in the heat of the moment, and is very regrettable. While there were some that tried to see past it, two days of strangers telling me that my marriage will end in a divorce due to my age alone is quite enough thank you.

JennyColada

I don't think that anyone here is telling you that YOUR marriage WILL end in divorce, we're simply stating the options and statistics and risks. For all I know, my marriage will end in divorce. Who knows.

I'm sorry that we are unable or unwilling to fill your world with smiles and rainbows, but you asked why people seem to think the way that we do and we answered.

It certainly it frustrating to feel like your age (and that alone) is a reason why people doubt you. I've felt that way about many things and about many opinions that I've held. It sucks, and it's hurtful, and it's really annoying. But it's just a part of life.

You've said yourself: we never stop growing or changing. And it's hard to figure out where we think we'll be emotionally or mentally years and years down the line. Making any major life decisions as a younger adult is always a risk because of this. It's a major reason why people tend to recommend that young adults keep their opinions open by going to school, not purchasing property, etc.

Not really sure what I'm trying to say with this. Perhaps I'm just trying to encourage you to not appear so vicitimzed.

CMGragain

I think you are doing the right thing by waiting another two years before you are married.  Two years will give you some time to think about your future.  I would suggest that you not make any firm wedding plans right now.  Just relax and enjoy your engagement.

Emmy1493

Honestly, I can see where the OP is coming from. As a younger bride myself, I too understand that marriage is a lot to take on. But that in all reality, isn't age specific. I am sure that there are ladies in their late 20's early-mid thirties who still don't understand the concept of marriage. Yes, divorce is maybe more common with younger couples, but not always true. 

IMO it really depends on your relationship, and what you want out of it, really. If you are a very immature person, that has no desire to work on their marriage or learn compromise, then yes the divorce rate shoots up. 

However I know not all couples are like that. I feel my FI and I are very mature for our age. We are going through pre-marital counseling to make sure we really know what we are both getting into here. I don't think we really rushed anything, as we have been together for almost 6 years, living together more 3 years. Planning this wedding for a little over a year. I can say living with your SO before marriage can really open your eyes. I found it really beneficial to our relationship. As we have really grown together as young adults, and have had to really learn compromise like no other. It is not always rainbows and butterflies, but it is real to us. I have not gotten much flack, at least to my face, but when you don't really know the dynamics of someone's relationship, it's hard to know.  

Going to play devil's advocate here OP, I do not think the PP's were being rude, or a Debby Downer, really. I think that they are only responding based on the info you have given. Like I said, it's hard to say when no one knows your relationship like you do. All that matters is what you and your FI want out of all of this. If you truly want to make it work, and always try your hardest, a happy marriage is not impossible. Only you and FI can make that happen. 

thisismynickname2

OP, I think PP's have been very nice, and very gentle, in providing you feedback.

I'll provide a bit more.  You are making a choice to marry at a young age, so brush up on marriage advice (via religious or secular counseling, books, etc) on how to grow together.  By my observation from the many divorces (my own fiance married at 22 and was divorced at 26), people grew apart.  You are right that you will not stop growing and maturing as people but you will have to make a concerted effort to grow together and in the same direction. 

By posting on the student board, you'll surround yourself with people like you who have not been-there-done-that like many of the engaged and married women on this board.  There are tons of people on here who can give you excellent advice (and not of the "don't do it!" variety) if you're willing to be open to the feedback. Good luck

KatWAG

juliar14 said:

Thank you everyone for your input! I'm very aware that I am young. And that young age is a risk factor for divorce in marriage. However, as I've repeatedly had to remind myself, you are all internet strangers. None of you know my specific situation and all of you seem to see my age and jump to conclusions. I'm sorry I thought I could vent here, but I will now keep all of that to the people in my personal life and keep it off of these boards.

I'd appreciate it if no one would reply to this any more. This vent was written in the heat of the moment, and is very regrettable. While there were some that tried to see past it, two days of strangers telling me that my marriage will end in a divorce due to my age alone is quite enough thank you.

This post is showing your age and (im)maturity level.

JennyColada

@KatWAG, thank you for saying what we all were thinking!

Emmy1493

thisismynickname said:

OP, I think PP's have been very nice, and very gentle, in providing you feedback.

I'll provide a bit more.  You are making a choice to marry at a young age, so brush up on marriage advice (via religious or secular counseling, books, etc) on how to grow together.  By my observation from the many divorces (my own fiance married at 22 and was divorced at 26), people grew apart.  You are right that you will not stop growing and maturing as people but you will have to make a concerted effort to grow together and in the same direction. 

By posting on the student board, you'll surround yourself with people like you who have not been-there-done-that like many of the engaged and married women on this board.  There are tons of people on here who can give you excellent advice (and not of the "don't do it!" variety) if you're willing to be open to the feedback. Good luck

I agree 100% with this and that counseling is so very much worth it. It also helps to check that you are both on the same page about what you want out of life. Which is very important if you want to have a functional marriage. It will also teach about communication, which is also very vital. 

You might get flack about marrying at a young age, but the most important thing is to not get so bent on it. Keep your head up and smile. Not everyone is going to see things the way you do, but having hurt feelings over it will get you no where. As long as you both know this is a very serious event in your life (and not just trying to play house), there is no reason why you can't have a strong and healthy marriage. It all depends on you two now.