Wedding Party

lazy/ not helpful Bridesmaids

how do i nicely tell my bridesmaids they need to help more and stop complaining about everything ?
my issues are 
1 they dont seem to understand it is a formal wedding like ball gowns and tux kind of wedding 
2 they are always saying they dont have money to buy shoes or throw a bridal shower when before i asked them to be bridesmaids i told them it was goon cost about $500 each 
the list just goes on any help?
«1

Answers

  • how do i nicely tell my bridesmaids they need to help more and stop complaining about everything ?
    my issues are 
    1 they dont seem to understand it is a formal wedding like ball gowns and tux kind of wedding 
    2 they are always saying they dont have money to buy shoes or throw a bridal shower when before i asked them to be bridesmaids i told them it was goon cost about $500 each 
    the list just goes on any help?
    If they don't have money to throw a bridal shower, then you don't have a shower.  I'm sorry.

    Can they not wear shoes they already own?  If you are requiring specific shoes, you should buy them.

    What else is on the list?
  • how do i nicely tell my bridesmaids they need to help more and stop complaining about everything ?
    my issues are 
    1 they dont seem to understand it is a formal wedding like ball gowns and tux kind of wedding 
    2 they are always saying they dont have money to buy shoes or throw a bridal shower when before i asked them to be bridesmaids i told them it was goon cost about $500 each 
    the list just goes on any help?
    The person who needs a reality check is YOU. I know you aren't going to want to hear this but you don't get to dictate anything. Here's how it goes:  1) You ask their budget for the dress and shoes...they tell you what they can afford. 2) You select a dress based on their budgets. Feel free to subsidize the cost if their budget doesn't fit your expectations. 3) They buy the dress and show up for the wedding

    Anything else, such as bridal shower and bachelorette are a gift. If they don't have funds, perhaps someone else in your family will step up, but you may not get them. You can't expect people to go into debt for your wedding.

    Lower your expectations or subsidize the costs of their attire.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • Since your expectations and demands are unreasonable, you can't.

    If you picked dresses out of their price range, then you buy the dresses (and any accoutrements you want them to wear.)

    If they can't afford a shower, you don't get one.

    You don't get to spend other people's money.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I found jewelry and shoes that I loved for my bridesmaids so I bought them my damn self.  You pick a dress that is within their budget (or pay for the remainer yourself).

    If no one volunteers to throw you a shower you don't have one.  Which is fine!  A shower is a total extra and not at all required practice to get married.

    I had technically a black tie wedding (although I never called it that, because who cares?) and I had my bridesmaids in shorter dresses because they were less expensive.  They were GORGEOUS and the girls loved them and danced their butts off in them at the reception.  Looked great in pictures as a cherry on the top.

    I suggest reworking your planning, doesn't seem to be working out for you, does it?
    image
  • i guess i said this wrong.
    i am not expecting anything thing i just wanted help picking out fun things like flowers and such 

    we already got dresses no problem. i let them pick out dresses they liked and could afford and such i told them they could wear anything they wanted on there fee.
     i would pay for alterations on there dresses, make up and hair and if need be shoes. 

    i had one girl tell me she is going to tape her hem up so she can sell the dress afterwords and she then said she was going to wear wage foam flip flops! i asked her not to and offered to buy her flats or a nicer wage, she replayed i could but she would prob just wear the flip flops.

    my mother is trowing the shower. when i said they couldn't afford it i meant the 3 girls said they couldn't afford  too throw it even tho my own mother is paying ?? so im still lost on that one i thought bridesmaids were the girls who help you pick out wedding shoes and fun stuff i guess i shouldn't have expected that much 
  • i just wanted help on how to get them more involved or excited to be in my wedding none of them have even been in a wedding im the first of my friends to tie the knot and they dont seem to know what to do   
  • Not everyone is interested in weddings, and nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. There is no way to GET someone interested in picking out flowers. If they are interested in that, they will express that to you when you mention flowers.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • The person who should be doing the 'fun' stuff with you (and the tedious stuff and the boring stuff and the hard stuff and ALL the stuff) is your FI. No one else.

    You say you're the first of your friends to tie the knot, and that they don't seem to know what to do. That's probably true, but you nagging them to do things won't help them learn, it will just make them resentful of you.

    If your mother is throwing you a shower, then I don't understand what you want from them in relation to it. For them to show up? Help hostess? It's great if they want to do that, but they don't have to.

    One of my BMs didn't come to either shower that was given for me. The other two each came to one of them but didn't help hostess to anything else.

    No one is ever going to be as excited for your wedding as you will be. That's just the reality.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    i guess i said this wrong.
    i am not expecting anything thing i just wanted help picking out fun things like flowers and such 

    we already got dresses no problem. i let them pick out dresses they liked and could afford and such i told them they could wear anything they wanted on there fee.
     i would pay for alterations on there dresses, make up and hair and if need be shoes. 

    i had one girl tell me she is going to tape her hem up so she can sell the dress afterwords and she then said she was going to wear wage foam flip flops! i asked her not to and offered to buy her flats or a nicer wage, she replayed i could but she would prob just wear the flip flops.

    my mother is trowing the shower. when i said they couldn't afford it i meant the 3 girls said they couldn't afford  too throw it even tho my own mother is paying ?? so im still lost on that one i thought bridesmaids were the girls who help you pick out wedding shoes and fun stuff i guess i shouldn't have expected that much 

    Why on earth would you be dictating a $500 budget if they aren't expected to contribute to the shower and dresses aren't a problem?  Your story doesn't match up.

    Dictating shoes is micromanaging.  No one will care if she wears the flip flops.  People don't go to weddings to look at the BM's feet.    

    i just wanted help on how to get them more involved or excited to be in my wedding none of them have even been in a wedding im the first of my friends to tie the knot and they dont seem to know what to do   
    There is absolutely no reason for them to "be involved" or to help you pick our flowers.  These are your friends, not your wedding planners.  YOU are the one who doesn't seem to know what to do.

    If you want someone to help you plan your wedding, ask your FI or hire a planner.  Your BMs are doing nothing wrong.  
  • i guess i'm just old fashion and watch to many movies   
  • i guess i'm just old fashion and watch to many movies   
    The movies are wrong. No one but you and your Fi plan the wedding. All you can do is ask the moms, aunts, BMs, etc. along to cake tastings and whatnot. If they show great. If not that's ok. 
    Not a single bridesmaid showed up to my shower. I paid most of my own way (dinner and $20 for a painting class) during my batchlorette party (mani/ pedi paid by MOH). I'm not any less married or unhappy.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Yes, you are very likely to find that wedding planning isn't usually like it is in the movies.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Why can't your fiance help pick out fun stuff? 
  • I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here for a second.

    On the one hand, yes BMs are not expected to do anything except show up in the agreed upon attire at the correct time, stand there during the wedding, and basically not cause a scene. I completely understand that you cannot make them participate in anything- shopping, planning, crafting, hostessing, showers, parties, etc. As the Bride, you should just be happy to have them "there for you". I completely understand the etiquette behind this, and how demanding otherwise makes you a Bridezilla. I also completely understand that no one will ever be as excited for your own wedding as you are. I get it. 

    However.

    I have also read many stories about etiquette faux pas where parents of the flower girl/ring bearer felt as if their child was "just a prop". But essentially, if all that is expected from a BM is to show up and stand there without any other participation or interest, isn't that essentially them just being a prop? I have always been under the assumption (and this could be an error on my part) that BMs were asked to fill this role because of the closeness of their relationship with the bride and that it was a joyous distinction and an honor. That it is reserved for only the closest of friends who are want to share the occasion with their friend and want to take part- to the degree that they are financially and physically able- in prewedding festivities. By asking the prospective BM- and not appointing her, there leaves the option for her decline the distinction. If they are truly "not interested" in the impending wedding, why would they accept? I thought choosing your bridal party was about having your closest friends to share the whole process with, to have shoulders to lean on for support. 

    Yes, there is indeed a line between "demanding Bridezilla" and simply wanting your BMs to share the process with you. I know they aren't technically required to do anything except show up, but wouldn't that person feel like "just a prop" if that were the case? I certainly would if I were ever in that situation. I'd feel like the bride just needed someone, anyone, to fill a spot in a line and that we didn't actually have a friendship. I would want to be included in festivities and participate in any possible way I could to help ease her stress and share in her joy. 


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    jalyndani said:
    I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here for a second.

    On the one hand, yes BMs are not expected to do anything except show up in the agreed upon attire at the correct time, stand there during the wedding, and basically not cause a scene. I completely understand that you cannot make them participate in anything- shopping, planning, crafting, hostessing, showers, parties, etc. As the Bride, you should just be happy to have them "there for you". I completely understand the etiquette behind this, and how demanding otherwise makes you a Bridezilla. I also completely understand that no one will ever be as excited for your own wedding as you are. I get it. 

    However.

    I have also read many stories about etiquette faux pas where parents of the flower girl/ring bearer felt as if their child was "just a prop". But essentially, if all that is expected from a BM is to show up and stand there without any other participation or interest, isn't that essentially them just being a prop? I have always been under the assumption (and this could be an error on my part) that BMs were asked to fill this role because of the closeness of their relationship with the bride and that it was a joyous distinction and an honor. That it is reserved for only the closest of friends who are want to share the occasion with their friend and want to take part- to the degree that they are financially and physically able- in prewedding festivities. By asking the prospective BM- and not appointing her, there leaves the option for her decline the distinction. If they are truly "not interested" in the impending wedding, why would they accept? I thought choosing your bridal party was about having your closest friends to share the whole process with, to have shoulders to lean on for support. 

    Yes, there is indeed a line between "demanding Bridezilla" and simply wanting your BMs to share the process with you. I know they aren't technically required to do anything except show up, but wouldn't that person feel like "just a prop" if that were the case? I certainly would if I were ever in that situation. I'd feel like the bride just needed someone, anyone, to fill a spot in a line and that we didn't actually have a friendship. I would want to be included in festivities and participate in any possible way I could to help ease her stress and share in her joy. 


    Adults and older children have the mental capacity to consent to act as wedding party members (the consent factor is the difference between being there voluntarily and being a "prop."  That's why many of us don't agree with having children too young in the wedding party-they can't give consent).

    But that doesn't require any adult wedding party member to throw parties for the bride and/or groom, go on out of town "bachelor/ette" trips, attend trunk shows or go shopping with them, do DIY projects or setup or cleanup work, or spend money on outfits or anything else they can't afford.  The role itself is defined as "standing up with the bride/groom."
  • I understand that they aren't required. But I also think that a bride has the tiniest bit of a right to have her feelings the tiniest bit hurt when those that she thought were her nearest & dearest are either completely uninterested and/or uninvolved in the process. Surely there's a happy medium between being a Bridezilla demanding their presence at every last shopping trip/input on every decision versus not caring that a BM is not involved in a darn thing and expecting them to just show up on the day of the wedding. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • jalyndani said:

    I understand that they aren't required. But I also think that a bride has the tiniest bit of a right to have her feelings the tiniest bit hurt when those that she thought were her nearest & dearest are either completely uninterested and/or uninvolved in the process. Surely there's a happy medium between being a Bridezilla demanding their presence at every last shopping trip/input on every decision versus not caring that a BM is not involved in a darn thing and expecting them to just show up on the day of the wedding. 

    The bridal party can be involved in different ways. One may love to talk about the wedding and is good to bounce ideas off of. Another may be a sympathetic ear when things go wrong or get stressful. Maybe one is physically involved with crafts, setting up, running errands. Some may prefer just going to the pre wedding parties. I think by now you get my drift.

    Just because they aren't showing you excitement and being as involved as you like doesn't mean they aren't excited or happy.

    As a person you have a right to feel happy or disappointed over things. That should not affect your friendship with them.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • jalyndani said:
    I understand that they aren't required. But I also think that a bride has the tiniest bit of a right to have her feelings the tiniest bit hurt when those that she thought were her nearest & dearest are either completely uninterested and/or uninvolved in the process. Surely there's a happy medium between being a Bridezilla demanding their presence at every last shopping trip/input on every decision versus not caring that a BM is not involved in a darn thing and expecting them to just show up on the day of the wedding. 
    If there is, etiquette doesn't provide it.  The best thing a bride can do to keep from becoming a bridezilla is to think very carefully before asking anyone to be a bridesmaid, determine that they actually have the time, interest, and resources necessary to get the designated outfit when asking them, and just not have any more expectations from them than that.  And they really need to think about why they are asking a certain person:  if they want to ask a sister or BFF who has never cared about weddings or who is going through difficult times, then it's much more likely that that person is not going to care about their particular wedding or want to participate further. 

    The point of asking someone to be a bridesmaid is not that they will "help" or plan parties for you, but because their presence in your life is such that you want them standing up with you at the ceremony.  If you want "help" then you need to hire it.
  • jalyndani said:

    I understand that they aren't required. But I also think that a bride has the tiniest bit of a right to have her feelings the tiniest bit hurt when those that she thought were her nearest & dearest are either completely uninterested and/or uninvolved in the process. Surely there's a happy medium between being a Bridezilla demanding their presence at every last shopping trip/input on every decision versus not caring that a BM is not involved in a darn thing and expecting them to just show up on the day of the wedding. 

    I think it depends on how the bride behaves. I have been a BM five times. Three of those brides I not only no longer speak to, I'm not even FB friends with anymore, due entirely to their wedding behaviour.

    If you're a bride who expects the TV treatment of me going to every fitting with you and squealing in delight over everything, then you don't know me well at all, and you probably shouldn't have asked me to be a BM.

    If you ask for my opinion on something that pertains to me (dress colour, silhouette, shoes, etc.) and then you disregard my opinion, I will stop offering my opinion because it's obvious you don't actually care.

    If you ask me to help you register, I will wonder where the fuck your FI is and why he's not helping you.

    I have been excited and happy when I was initially asked to be in be wedding for every person I have ever stood up for as a BM. That's why, obviously, I have accepted being in the wedding.

    But every example I cited above actually happened to me in a friend's wedding and is why I'm no longer friends with those brides.

    I want to be excited for you, but I don't want you to stop being my friend. If you become wedding-obsessed and never talk about anything else, it's gonna be really hard to be your friend.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • jalyndani said:
    I understand that they aren't required. But I also think that a bride has the tiniest bit of a right to have her feelings the tiniest bit hurt when those that she thought were her nearest & dearest are either completely uninterested and/or uninvolved in the process. Surely there's a happy medium between being a Bridezilla demanding their presence at every last shopping trip/input on every decision versus not caring that a BM is not involved in a darn thing and expecting them to just show up on the day of the wedding. 
    No.  They don't need to be interested in the logistics of throwing the party in order to support the marriage and be honored as one of the bride or groom's closest friends.  That's all they're agreeing to do when they agree to be a bridesmaid - to have their relationship be honored by the bride and to stand by her side as she takes the next step in her relationship.  The process of planning the wedding is a separate issue altogether.



  • I guess I'm not very good at actually writing out what I mean. No, I don't expect a bridesmaid to hold the bride's hand and actually assist in the logistics of planning the wedding. That is indeed to job of the couple and/or the bride's family (whoever is actually putting the whole thing together).  I certainly don't expect a BM to help the bride register! (That was one of the few things my FI & I did together that was fun for us!) 

    But I somewhat understand how the OP feels with the assumption that your friends/BMs are supposed the ones you share the little things with like picking out shoes, or getting their female opinions on flowers or just sharing excitement in general. I guess that's what I mean by "the process". Not major decisions or budget issues or food menus....just someone to share the excitement with. Someone who isn't going to change the subject if I mention once in a blue moon, "hey what do you think about these shoes for y'all to wear?"  (this is currently my situation, but that's a whole other post/discussion...) And maybe it is due to the fantasized versions of bridesmaids on tv/movies that steered me to this assumption- I'm 30 years old and I've never been in a single wedding. Never. FI & I are quite literally the last of our friend circle to get married, and my Facebook has been overrun for years with pictures brides have posted of their multiple showers and multiple Bachelorette parties, gushing over their "awesome shopping day" with their 15 bridesmaids and how their "girls" are so amazing. 

    But again I say, surely there is a middle ground between inconsiderate, demanding 'Zillas and having BMs that just don't give a shit at all. Something that isn't a fantasized version full of unrealistic expectations. Just some friends that care for the bride and can manage to muster a smile and something more than sheer silence when a question is posed that truly needs their input. 

    I promise I'm not arguing or disagreeing. I agree whole-heartedly with @HisGirlFriday13 with all those examples- those are unrealistic and demanding expectations that are out of line, and I would be upset with those brides too. And by all means, if every conversation involves "wedding wedding wedding!", I would be sick of it too. I truly want to know where the middle ground is here, what is considered "normal" or "typical" levels of involvement? At what point does a bride finally get the tiniest bit sad when those she has chosen to stand up for her are not interested/excited at all? I understand financial restrictions on participation, but what if a BM is 100% not interested one bit in participating any festivity and it has nothing to do with finances? If she changes the subject or ignores a question in its entirety? If you try to give her the shoes you purchased yourself for her, and she can't be bothered to walk 10 feet to your car to get them? (Again, this is more my specific situation, but it's why the title of this thread piqued my interest.)

    I guess "proper" etiquette is to just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best and expect nothing.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • No, proper etiquette is to love your friends as your friends and continue to communicate with them in that capacity and not start thinking of them solely as your bridesmaids. Continuing to treat them like real people and not ask them to do things is actually more likely to allow them to offer freely and/or ask you about your wedding details. That was certainly my experience. And frankly, for two of my bridesmaids, showing up with a dress was a significant accomplishment and show of love since at the time they each lived several states away and did not have much financial stability. In fact, one married bridesmaid/groomsman couple stayed with my grandparents because we wanted them there so badly and they did not have the money for a hotel room. And getting to hang with them around/on our wedding day was so much better than any planning help.
    image
  • jalyndani said:
    But again I say, surely there is a middle ground between inconsiderate, demanding 'Zillas and having BMs that just don't give a shit at all. 

    I guess "proper" etiquette is to just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best and expect nothing.  
    You are correct about the proper etiquette.  But this is why we advise thinking very carefully about who you ask to be bridesmaids and not doing it too soon.  Even the most loving, involved, caring bridesmaid doesn't want to hear you go on and on non-stop about your wedding plans.  

    And we definitely don't advise asking someone just to reciprocate a request from them or to make a third party, like parents, grandparents, or FILs happy-especially when they are people who are just not into weddings in the first place.  They aren't going to suddenly get excited and enthusiastic just because it's your wedding, even if they are your sisters, FSILs, or BFFs,
  • jalyndani said:

    But I somewhat understand how the OP feels with the assumption that your friends/BMs are supposed the ones you share the little things with like picking out shoes, or getting their female opinions on flowers or just sharing excitement in general.
    But the problem is, not everyone gives a shit about shoes or flowers.  Does it make me a bad bridesmaid if I don't care about the flowers?  As the bride I barely wanted to talk about the flowers or even think about the flowers so as a bridesmaid I would care even less about someone else's flowers. 
  • I don't think it's too much to ask that your BM wear dress shoes with her dress for the ceremony/pictures, especially if you are willing to pay for them.  If she wants to kick them off and wear flip flops to the reception, that's fine, but for the ceremony?  Comfortable dress shoes DO exist - they don't have to be high heels, even.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards