I should be happy I'm engaged? right

EmilyandSladeOS

I always thought getting engaged would be this awesome thing. It really wasn't. Firstly, he didn't give me a ring (which I understand to save money) But that's not what bothers me. It's the childhood fantasy of a big wedding that ive held onto. He has a huge family (that he doesn't talk too) so it just leaves his grandma and His mom for his side for the wedding and I have a small family... How do I make a great small wedding? How do I let go of these feelings ive had since I was a small child to have an amazing, wedding one that I even had planned out for years? How do I Become content with this?

HisGirlFriday13

EmilyandSladeOS said:

I always thought getting engaged would be this awesome thing. It really wasn't. Firstly, he didn't give me a ring (which I understand to save money) But that's not what bothers me. It's the childhood fantasy of a big wedding that ive held onto. He has a huge family (that he doesn't talk too) so it just leaves his grandma and His mom for his side for the wedding and I have a small family... How do I make a great small wedding? How do I let go of these feelings ive had since I was a small child to have an amazing, wedding one that I even had planned out for years? How do I Become content with this?

A ring is not a requirement to be engaged. DH proposed in December, and gave me a ring in March. We were married in October. 

But if a ring matters to you, that's OK -- and it's OK to talk to him about your expectations and feelings.

Your talk of a 'childhood fantasy' concerns me. Childhood fantasies are just that -- fantasies constructed by children. You're an adult now, which means your fantasies need to adjust accordingly.

If you want a large wedding, then look at the people in your life who aren't family but who still matter to you -- friends, for example. You can have a ginormous wedding, if that's what you want and your budget will allow you to host everyone appropriately, by including your friends. 

What's more important -- the ring and the fantasy, or the reality of the man you love asking you to spend the rest of your lives together?

mbross3

OP, listen to @HisGirlFriday13--she's offering good advice. If you want a large wedding but have a small family, think about friends and colleagues that you could invite. That being said, you still have to take into consideration what your budget will be and whatever other considerations may impact your wedding (location, etc). 

What concerns me is that you don't seem happy to be engaged to your FI. Or if you are happy, it's being overshadowed by worries about childhood fantasies not coming true. It's totally understandable that you had day dreams of your future wedding when you were a child- however those are just fantasies and in reality you cannot have that wedding because that is a wedding you dreamt about as a child, and your actual adult wedding is not just about you, but it is about your FI too! How can you have the wedding you dreamed about when that fantasy wedding didn't include any of your FI's dreams? Maybe the two of you should bring your wedding fantasies together and see what you can do to make them a shared reality. 

Now, I'm not engaged so I can't tell you how I would be feeling in your situation. What I can say is that you should give some serious thought to what would make you happy. Your wedding is one day, but you are committing to your FI for the rest of your life. You should have the wedding that you want, but try to remember that the wedding itself is not the most important thing- it's not the end goal it's just one day in the rest of your lives. 

If you want a ring, have an honest conversation with your FI about it. It's OK to want these things. If money is an issue, maybe you can split the cost of the ring. There are TONS of ring options in all kinds of price ranges. The important thing is communicating with your FI about how you're feeling. 

angelawright79

I think a really good way to make the wedding of your dreams is to do all the things that you would not be able to afford if you were having a big wedding.  You can add all of the fancy touches you might have had to skimp on otherwise.  You can do the extra items on the buffet, do on-the-spot pictures and candy favors, hire a band, do awesome table decorations, the list is endless!

I am being forced to invite people I do not want at my wedding and having to pay for these people to be there.  I have had to save in areas that I would have liked to splurge on. As long as you have the people who care about you there, you can add in details to make it special and the day of your dreams!

Dignity100

I'm going to start out by asking:
What is a small wedding?

Is it under 20 people?  20-50 people?  50-100+ people?  Small is different to everybody, so give us some idea of what we're working with.  I know my 'SMALL' wedding is under 15 people (including FI and myself) while FMIL's thought was 125 people (that's a mid-to-large wedding in my mind).

Have you sat down with your FI and figured out an initial guest list?  How about a budget?

Many places do have smaller reception/venue sites, so you can still do the "traditional" tables with centerpieces, band or DJ, photographer, etc.  There are perks to smaller weddings, you can spend a little more time with your FI (then DH) and not have to spend all your time talking to guests and thanking them for coming.  You might be able to afford a little bit more dress because you don't have to pay for additional meals. 

Another idea is - maybe it's time to come up with a new dream?  When my FI and I announced to his parents that we were engaged, his mom immediately started thinking about who needed to be invited (beyond aunts/uncles/cousins) and it was like 'wait a sec, stop everything - we don't want that!'.  We ended up talking to our families about doing a destination wedding, immediate family only.  In the end, I have quite a bit less work to do as our wedding is a package where we are given quite a few choices and get to pick from them and we are trying to make it fun for everybody and all about celebrating with our families.  Honestly, I couldn't imagine anything else now.

I know it's easy to vent to internet strangers and we don't 'hear' the whole story.  Your post makes it come off that you want the wedding and maybe not the marriage.  It's ok to dream of your wedding, but it is really only one day.  I've seen it recommended on TK a few times, but maybe you should get the book 'A Practical Wedding' by Meg Keene.  I have started reading it but it does help put things back into perspective.

rashidas

Girl... at the end of the day it is about you and him. I had the same dream too... in fact still do... but dreams change. He doesnt talk to his family much... he older and has been married before. We want a house more than a big wedding.  A wedding is for one day...marriage is for a lifetime with that person. its up to you.

CatherineN12

Having dreams about your wedding when you were a child is okay, it could be the simple things as colours, location, outdoors vs indoors, destination wedding or church weddings, down to how you think your dress will look.... all of these can still be possible, if your finance shares the same dream/idea for "your" wedding.  My fiance and I talk about everything, he's given me full range to do whatever I want, however I don't feel comfortable in doing so and ask for his opinion for every decision I make, so some what I am getting my fairy tale but with in reason and it's what we both what!!! just talk to your fiance and see if he shares the same ideas as you

Happy Planning!!!

CMGragain

This is a wise, but funny set of guidelines from Miss Manners.  It might make you feel better about your reality vs. your childhood fantasy.

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.

5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

For more, read the entire article here!

bananasplit472001

The first thing I learned after I got engaged is that fantasy weddings do not exist.  There is no way your wedding planning process or your wedding day will be exactly how you planned it to be.  Also no need to put so much emphasis on your dream wedding because weddings are just a celebration of your marriage and the life that you will have after the wedding.  If you think of it as just a party you will be less upset about not having the wedding you thought you would have.  Big or small it doesn't matter, as long as all of the people you want to be there show up and you get married that should really be what your dream wedding is. 

fourtsixand2

Unless you're willing to spend $100k+ on a wedding, fantasy weddings are just that - a fantasy.  There is no rule that your proposal is supposed to be the best thing that has ever happened to you.  Proposals can be simple, which are usually the most special, in my opinion. 
So he didn't give you a ring .... sure, that's nontraditional, but look at it as an opportunity to find THE ring you really want.  In my opinion, the real 'magic' of the proposal is the simple fact he proposed.  Rings and all that flash are just little bonuses.  
I was proposed to without a ring.  He wanted me to find or design exactly what I wanted so I'd be 100% happy with what I'd wear for the rest of my life.  It was the moment that made it special.  The feeling.  Not the jewelry.

Also keep in mind that a huge wedding isn't equivalent to a 'fantasy' wedding.  So he doesn't talk to a bunch of his family .... no big deal.  Make the best of what you DO have.  Remember - a wedding is about you and your groom ... everyone and everything else is just a bonus.