Age is just a number, right?

KenziRae18

I just recently got engaged to the love of my life, about 3 weeks ago, in Las Vegas. It was the best moment of my life! We got engaged on top of the Eiffel Tower. I don't even know if he was able to ask "Will you marry me?", because I was screaming and crying so hard. It was honestly a moment that I never will forget.

 I feel I have always been very mature for my age, growing up the baby in the family and my sister being the closest in age to me, at 6 years difference. Well, I am 19 years old and my fiancé will be 21 this September. I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, he has already made a big difference on my life. My whole family loves him, this is the first time they all have had positive feedback from anyone I have brought home. 

At first before we got engaged, I always said I want to be 21 before I get married. Now I'm not sure if it's just the excitement of being engaged but, my fiancé and his parents want to have the wedding next summer, when I would be 20. I mean it would be nice to legally have a glass of wine or what ever on my wedding day. I guess I would be okay with it, but in a way I am worried about other people judging us and saying we are too young.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

-McKenzie

ShallowSeas

It's your wedding, you should do what you want. If you want to wait until you're at least 21, then wait. There's no reason to rush and get married, especially if the reason you are rushing is because your FI and FIL's are pressuring you.

You are both very young, and while people who marry young can have successful marriages, it definitely won't hurt waiting. Enjoy being engaged, enjoy your relationship as it is, enjoy getting to know each other even more than you do now. Your FIL's should surely understand your concerns and be okay with it, if not then they'll get over. This is something you should discuss with your FI so you two can be on the same page.

Maggie0829

Are either of you still in school?  Do either of you (or both) have a steady job and a decent savings account?  Do you have a place to live?  Can you support yourselves as a couple without any help? Can you afford a wedding that you want right now?

I am not saying that being young means that your relationship/marriage can't work.  It definitely can, but a lot of time being so young means that you aren't completely stable financially (not always but if one or both of you are still in school it can be very difficult).  So you need to take a minute and stop thinking about the wedding and think about your life after the wedding because that is what is more important.  Money is one of the top reasons people get divorced so you want to make sure that you and your FI have a plan in place once you are married.  Also, have you talked about kids and how you will raise them (religion and such)?

My H and I have been together for almost 12 years now (married almost 3).  We got together when I was 17 and he was 18.  By 19-20 I definitely saw myself marrying him but I was still in school and dependent on my parents because all I had was a $10/hour part time job and school bills to pay.  So when I saw myself marrying him I only concentrated on the wedding part, not our lives together part.  H didn't propose until after 8 years together we both had full time jobs and had been living together for about a year.  We knew what we wanted in regards to our lives together and we were good financially.

So if you have all those basis covered then get married when you want, not when people are pressuring you to.

ShallowSeas

shrekspeare said:

KenziRae18 said:

I just recently got engaged to the love of my life, about 3 weeks ago, in Las Vegas. It was the best moment of my life! We got engaged on top of the Eiffel Tower. I don't even know if he was able to ask "Will you marry me?", because I was screaming and crying so hard. It was honestly a moment that I never will forget.

 I feel I have always been very mature for my age, growing up the baby in the family and my sister being the closest in age to me, at 6 years difference. Well, I am 19 years old and my fiancé will be 21 this September. I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, he has already made a big difference on my life. My whole family loves him, this is the first time they all have had positive feedback from anyone I have brought home. 

At first before we got engaged, I always said I want to be 21 before I get married. Now I'm not sure if it's just the excitement of being engaged but, my fiancé and his parents want to have the wedding next summer, when I would be 20. I mean it would be nice to legally have a glass of wine or what ever on my wedding day. I guess I would be okay with it, but in a way I am worried about other people judging us and saying we are too young.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

-McKenzie

As someone who is being married in their early 20's. It's important you realize that there are a lot of changing going on during those years. You have to work very hard to ensure you grow together and in the same direction. At 19, I would say you are too young. Usually when I hear 'age is just a number' it's referring to a 10+ year difference.

 Have you considered a long engagement?

ETA: Especially since you've only been dating a few months.

THIS.

I got engaged when I was 20 to the guy I had been with for almost 8 years. I was FOR SURE that I knew him and wanted to be with him the rest of my life.  3 years later we got married because it 'was the next step' and we were already engaged and had been together for so long. In those 3 years, he became A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. As did I. We were both young. I went off to college, graduated with a degree, and started my career shortly before our wedding. He did not choose that path and was in and out of jobs. Our personalities changed and we no longer had that much in common. We grew apart even though we both still loved each other.

The marriage lasted a year. I won't get into the specifics of why it only lasted a year, but a big part of it is because we were completely different people who wanted completely different things and it wasn't working any longer. Plus a bunch of other crap.

My point is, although you are not the same person as me and may not be in the same situation as me, I married someone I had been with for 10 years and even though we had been together so long, we were young and we both completely changed and grew apart. It happens. I'm 26 and just now settling into who I am and what I want in life. You've been together 6 months. Take your time to enjoy your relationship and get to know each other better.

KenziRae18

We have been dating for 7 months, but we have known each other for 6 years. Him and I both believe that we are not like most couples our age, we are so mature and we kind of in a way have a relationship like our grandparents. We laugh and love and share our dreams, we already make each other better people. We both absolutely do not want to be like most relationships these day. If we have an issue we are going to work through it and not give up on each other. Both of us believe that like my parent's relationship, people are just giving up to easily.

 

We would either get married next summer or summer of  2016.

Sorry for the misleading name title.

Maggie0829

shrekspeare said:

KenziRae18 said:

We have been dating for 7 months, but we have known each other for 6 years. Him and I both believe that we are not like most couples our age, we are so mature and we kind of in a way have a relationship like our grandparents. We laugh and love and share our dreams, we already make each other better people. We both absolutely do not want to be like most relationships these day. If we have an issue we are going to work through it and not give up on each other. Both of us believe that like my parent's relationship, people are just giving up to easily.

 

We would either get married next summer or summer of  2016.

Sorry for the misleading name title.

So a ton of couples consider themselves like this. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but that's essentially the exact same attitude that every couple has.

I would wait until 2016 honestly. And congratulations on your engagement! Paris I'm sure is absolutely beautiful! I'd like to live there one day.

I agree with this.  Also people in their late teens and early 20s think that they are a lot more mature then they really are.  Trust me I always thought that I was super mature for my age all through my life but looking back now (I will be 30 in August) I was no where near ready for marriage or anything like that when I was 19/20.

Maggie0829

shrekspeare said:

I would wait until 2016 honestly. And congratulations on your engagement! Paris I'm sure is absolutely beautiful! I'd like to live there one day.

@shrekspeare - She actually got engaged at Paris in Las Vegas, not Paris, France.

KatWAG

Every 19 year old I know thinks they are mature for their age. Its just not the case. I would strongly encourage the OP to finish school, live on your own (not with fi) and start career before you get married. If you can accomplish all this before September 2016 then godspeed. If not, I would wait even longer.

Maggie0829

shrekspeare said:

Lulz. Reading fail. Well, I'm sure it's beautiful in Las Vegas as well! I've never been to that particular hotel.

I had one of the best meals of my life in the restaurant in the Eiffel Tower there.  Makes me want to go back just to eat there again.

KenziRae18

Thanks for everyones' input. Being just newly engaged, I would like to enjoy it. All I wanted was opinions on if people thought being 21 was a maybe selfish reason to wait, not getting people to be rude and putting down my engagement. I know my fiancé and my life, it's not far to group everyone my age as "not ready", or "all the same". I have worked my butt off to be the person I am today, we both already work in our fields of study. My soon to be mother and father-in-law got married at the same age and just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. 

But anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. I could not be more happy with everything in my life.

Maggie0829

KenziRae18 said:

Thanks for everyones' input. Being just newly engaged, I would like to enjoy it. All I wanted was opinions on if people thought being 21 was a maybe selfish reason to wait, not getting people to be rude and putting down my engagement. I know my fiancé and my life, it's not far to group everyone my age as "not ready", or "all the same". I have worked my butt off to be the person I am today, we both already work in our fields of study. My soon to be mother and father-in-law got married at the same age and just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. 

But anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. I could not be more happy with everything in my life.

I'm sorry but who put down your engagement and who was rude?  We shared our experiences and thoughts.  That is all.  All of us said that we don't believe that marrying young can't work but that we think it wise to wait.  But I guess instead of hearing us all you only inferred what you wanted. And your response from what we wrote screams volumes to me about how young you really are.

KatWAG

KenziRae18 said:

Thanks for everyones' input. Being just newly engaged, I would like to enjoy it. All I wanted was opinions on if people thought being 21 was a maybe selfish reason to wait, not getting people to be rude and putting down my engagement. I know my fiancé and my life, it's not far to group everyone my age as "not ready", or "all the same". I have worked my butt off to be the person I am today, we both already work in our fields of study. My soon to be mother and father-in-law got married at the same age and just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. 

But anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. I could not be more happy with everything in my life.

I have never understood this comparison. So what, your in laws have stayed married? Your marriage will not be a clone of theirs.

ShallowSeas

No one said anything negative to you. You asked for opinions and we gave them to you along with reasons why we feel that way and experiences we have had. No one put down your engagement in any way. We didn't say being engaged was a mistake or that it will never work. We simply tried to encourage you to take your time with your engagement.

KenziRae18

shrekspeare said:

I'm glad all of this was quoted. I smell a DD on the way.

Please, I would love to be deleted from this site.

Why do we as ladies feel the need to attack others? It just makes no sense to me.

Maggie0829

@KenziRae18 - I think you need to take a step back and realize that no one was attacking you, being rude to you or being mean or spiteful.  All we did was respond to your post in a very nice and civilized manner.  You just didn't like what you read.

KenziRae18

So if someone was saying this kind of stuff to you you wouldn't feel like you are being attacked?

1. I have never understood this comparison. So what, your in laws have stayed married? Your marriage will not be a clone of theirs.

2. At 19, I would say you are too young. Usually when I hear 'age is just a number' it's referring to a 10+ year difference.

3. Every 19 year old I know thinks they are mature for their age. Its just not the case.

4. So a ton of couples consider themselves like this. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but that's essentially the exact same attitude that every couple has.

5. I'm glad all of this was quoted. I smell a DD on the way.

Just to name a few. And I am so sorry, I thought these sites where to be excited about your engagement and have girl talk with, but I guess not. I will have to try WeddingWire. Thanks for the reference.

Maggie0829

KenziRae18 said:

So if someone was saying this kind of stuff to you you wouldn't feel like you are being attacked?

1. I have never understood this comparison. So what, your in laws have stayed married? Your marriage will not be a clone of theirs.

2. At 19, I would say you are too young. Usually when I hear 'age is just a number' it's referring to a 10+ year difference.

3. Every 19 year old I know thinks they are mature for their age. Its just not the case.

4. So a ton of couples consider themselves like this. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but that's essentially the exact same attitude that every couple has.

5. I'm glad all of this was quoted. I smell a DD on the way.

Just to name a few. And I am so sorry, I thought these sites where to be excited about your engagement and have girl talk with, but I guess not. I will have to try WeddingWire. Thanks for the reference.

@KenziRae18 - Um, no not in the least.  People were telling you their feelings on the subject.  You posted and we responded.  That is how this works.  In life you won't always hear what you want or get the responses that you want.  You should probably learn and accept this now.  I really think you need to look up the word 'attack' because I don't think you know what it means.

KatWAG

KenziRae18 said:

So if someone was saying this kind of stuff to you you wouldn't feel like you are being attacked?

1. I have never understood this comparison. So what, your in laws have stayed married? Your marriage will not be a clone of theirs.

2. At 19, I would say you are too young. Usually when I hear 'age is just a number' it's referring to a 10+ year difference.

3. Every 19 year old I know thinks they are mature for their age. Its just not the case.

4. So a ton of couples consider themselves like this. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but that's essentially the exact same attitude that every couple has.

5. I'm glad all of this was quoted. I smell a DD on the way.

Just to name a few. And I am so sorry, I thought these sites where to be excited about your engagement and have girl talk with, but I guess not. I will have to try WeddingWire. Thanks for the reference.

I said 2 of these and I stand by them. They aren't attcking you, but they also aren't vailidating your ideas.

And frankly, your responses in this thread proves your immaturity.

HaileyDancingbear

Honestly I'm young too.  It seems both you and I don't want to hear people's two cents about age, but note the key difference here- you post your age on a public forum, as a new user where nobody has really interacted with you and is only given that number to judge your maturity by, while I avoid posting my age and simply let people form opinions on my maturity by the way I write.  If age is just a number, then why even bother posting that number, isn't it irrelevant information anyways?

I think you absolutely set yourself up for criticism with that move.  You don't prove you're "Mature for your age" by stating a number and writing that you're more mature- you can make any number of claims on the internet.  I have a pet elephant.  I can do a backflip.  I am mature.  You show you're mature for your age by 1. not needing people to validate that you are in fact mature and ready and 2. not throwing a hissy fit when people disagree with you on the internet.  I didn't ask anyone if I was old enough, I already friggin know.

Also, what else do you expect from a bunch of people who DON'T KNOW YOU?  Of course they're going to think you're too young; they hear a young age, and don't have an extensive knowledge of you as a person to affect their judgement, so they're just going to give you their general opinion on age and marriage.  Maybe if we knew you our responses would be different.  Maybe they wouldn't.   No reason to get personally offended if we don't know you well enough from one post to be perfect judges of how mature you are.

emmyg65

What's the rush to get married? Enjoy being together, getting to really know each other, and growing together.

AddieCake

Oh, FFS. Nobody was rude to you, but I'm about to border on it when I say that if you think what people said to you was rude or attacking, then you're too young to get married and possibly for the internet. 

 If you want to delete your account, then contact @KnotPorscha and tell her to delete you. Or, you know, just don't log back in here again if you don't want to be here. 

mbross3

OP, I would say that if you want to have a glass of wine at your wedding, wait until you're 21. I personally can't imagine not having a glass of wine (or so...) at my wedding! Don't let your future in laws pressure you into an earlier wedding than you want. If you and your FI are happy, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a 2 year engagement, especially considering you're both young and may be finishing school?

I'm sorry that you felt attacked. I honestly don't think any of the ladies on this board were mean to you, but I do think that they raised points about which you already felt insecure and that made you defensive. After all, one of the questions you posed was whether you should wait until you were 21...these ladies were kind enough to offer you their very personal stories of relationships and marriages at a young age. I don't think any of them did so in order to say that what happened to them will inevitably happen to you due to your age, but instead they offered you valuable insight into what could happen and offered their advice. 

Honestly I think that your reaction to a bunch of internet strangers expressing their opinions shows your age. You have to remember that we only know what you share in your post. We don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. You came here asking for opinions, and you got them! Maybe you don't like/agree with what is being said, but you if you just get defensive and have a fit people are going to come to the conclusion that you are not very mature. Maybe that is incorrect, but again, we only know what you share here. 

No one is saying your marriage won't work out. But if you're going to spend the rest of you life with your FI why the rush to have the wedding? Wait another year or so, you're 19- you have plenty of years left to share with your FI. Try to be open minded on this site and not to take things too personally. I promise you it will pay off as these ladies have some really great advice and experiences to share! 

Congratulations on your engagement! Do you have pictures to share of the engagement or ring (if you got one)? We like pictures here!

ETA: clarity

KenziRae18

Thank you @mbross3, this is the kind of responses I thought I would get. And I'm sorry if I took these comments differently than how they were meant. Thank you for the advice, I honestly appreciate it. I didn't realize that people on these blogs need to build a relationship with other bloggers before posting things. 

Anyways, again I appreciate you helping me out with how these blogs work!

I have attached a picture of my engagement ring and picture of us on the spot where the he proposed.

mbross3

@KenziRae18 your ring is beautiful!! I also really like your nail polish, do you know what kind it is? I'm looking for something more spring-like (as if painting my nails for spring will make it FINALLY get here!). 

It's hard being new to the boards! It's also hard for posters to help you because we just don't know you yet. I'm not going to lie, the ladies on these boards will always be honest and sometimes that honesty is blunt. I've definitely made my own mistakes on these boards, but stick around and learn from the posters here- it's totally worth it!

LauraS01

Only you and your fiance can determine what timeline is right for you.  However, there is nothing wrong with a long engagement; I got engaged October 2013 and our wedding day isn't until 10-10-15.  Some people are telling us it is too long, but it is what works for us and that is all that matters.  A longer engagement will allow you more time to plan your wedding, save for the things you want most on your big day and it will also give you time to settle in life (ie. finish college, find the right job...).  If you both already have jobs, if your settled in an area and are confident that things in life are together enough to throw a wedding in the mix, then go ahead.  It is your life, only you and your fiance truly know where you are at in your relationship and financially.  It's up to the two of you.

boxjelly

It is your wedding and do what you want.

However I personally would like to be at least 21 before I was married. To at least be able to rent a hotel room, drink a glass of champagne at my own wedding. 

sassyfrass2014

Have you thought of just a longer engagement? My FI and I are having a long engagement, and there's nothing wrong with that! It is what suits our needs and our current timeline. Of course people will wonder why you aren't getting hitched in 6 months (too short of a timeline for proper planning!) but you'll have perfectly legitimate reasons, and you'll be taken more seriously if you are more succinct about your plans earlier on.

happyfor25

First, congratulations on your engagement!  It is such an exciting time in your life!

You should prepare yourself for a reaction similar to what you've gotten in this thread from nearly everyone you tell.  It is not intended as criticism so much as concern.  When those of us who are older hear that you are engaged at 19, it just sounds really young.  

I was married at 20 and my H and I celebrated our 26th anniversary last month.  We have friends who were 17 and 15 when they got married and they have been married longer than we have.  It can and does work.  From my personal experience, though, I would recommend a long-ish engagement if only to make your married lives easier (more financial security, job security, etc).

Enjoy being engaged and enjoy planning your wedding...no need to rush; you have your whole lives ahead of you.

MadHops21

KatWAG said:

KenziRae18 said:

Thanks for everyones' input. Being just newly engaged, I would like to enjoy it. All I wanted was opinions on if people thought being 21 was a maybe selfish reason to wait, not getting people to be rude and putting down my engagement. I know my fiancé and my life, it's not far to group everyone my age as "not ready", or "all the same". I have worked my butt off to be the person I am today, we both already work in our fields of study. My soon to be mother and father-in-law got married at the same age and just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. 

But anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. I could not be more happy with everything in my life.

I have never understood this comparison. So what, your in laws have stayed married? Your marriage will not be a clone of theirs.

STORY TIME!

My (ex) BF wanted to follow his parents' route and get married young (19-20) and have a kid by 21 (like they did). They are still married and have 2 kids and very successful in marriage and careers. exBF said he wanted this too when I was 18, so I ended the relationship. I was too young to do that, even though I was working full time and doing school full time. 

exBF had a new GF a year later, got her pregnant, then had pretty much a shotgun wedding. Now the kid will be turning 1 this month. Last month, while exBF was sleeping on the couch while watching a movie, his BFF slept with his wife. They are getting a divorce now.

exBF thought he could be like his parents, but it ended up in divorce and unhappiness. Doesn't mean this happens to everyone, but often enough that it's the only thing I hear. I haven't heard anyone following their parents footsteps turned out well. 

mbross3

I never understand the reference to other people's successful marriages. "My parents did this and they are still married and wonderfully happy!" Great. I am happy that their marriage has worked out so well. That has nothing to do with your current/future marriage as you and your SO are not your parents, and your lives with inevitably be different. Why do people argue that other people's successful marriages somehow validate their choices? Because it worked for someone else does not mean anything--one way or another--about your own marriage. 

Maggie0829

I never understand the reference to other people's successful marriages. "My parents did this and they are still married and wonderfully happy!" Great. I am happy that their marriage has worked out so well. That has nothing to do with your current/future marriage as you and your SO are not your parents, and your lives with inevitably be different. Why do people argue that other people's successful marriages somehow validate their choices? Because it worked for someone else does not mean anything--one way or another--about your own marriage. 

This. My parents have a very successful 38 year marriage that is still going strong. They got married young at 22-23 and had two kids by the time my Mom turned 30. I never once thought that I should follow in their footsteps because at 22 I wasn't even close to being ready for marriage. And I am going to be turning 30 in August and have no interest in all at having kids.

It is great when people think highly of successful marriages and hope to one day be so happy so many years later, but everyone is different.  Every relationship is different.  So to try a mimic someones else's relationship is kind of dumb.