Wedding Party

to keep or not to keep?

I'm sure there are many posts similar, but none exactly alike, so I just have to ask.....
My bridesmaid, we'll call her,  "Mary" is a friend I've had for a few years. Well, almost a year ago she started dating a guy who really turned her upside down and made her into an extremely rude person. Now, when I asked Mary to be in my BP, she was only a few months into the relationship. At that point, I considered her a best friend. Just in the last year, the man she's with has turned her into someone shes not. For example, she accused me for stealing money and lying to her, when I've never done either of those things to her through out our entire relationship. When the bridesmaids get together to help out with the little wedding tasks like assembling invites, she not only refuses to help but she sits far away from the group and says nothing but infrequent snide remarks. I almost never see her anymore because she is always with this man and he wont let her spend time with me except for very rarely. When the bridesmaids got together to find dresses and shoes, she only complained instead of keeping an open mind, even after we found gorgeous dresses and shoes (for $70 TOTAL when we were expecting to spend $150+). When she found out she would have to walk down the aisle with one specific groomsman, she refused and said that her boyfriend would not be okay with that so she won't do it, forcing me to rearrange the entire order. It's gotten to the point where I'm hesitant to invite her places because of (1) how rude her boyfriend is to me and to her when I do & (2) because she has become so mean that it's truly difficult to be around her. 

On the other posts, I have read that many women drop bridesmaids and lose them as friends. I don't know if I'm ready to lose her forever, but I really don't think she treats me the way a bridesmaid should. I don't know how to handle this. 

Re: to keep or not to keep?

  • We discussed the prices when I first asked her and she said that $150+ was ideal. When I asked the day that we went shopping, all the ladies said that they had no budget needs, including her. I did not assume, because I too work very hard for my money. She literally told me that anything is fine. As far as the invites go, I asked her if she wanted to come over and help out and she told me she'd love to. If she said that she'd rather stay home, or that she'd rather come but not help, I would have been okay with that. Instead, over the phone she said she'd love to, but arrived with a horrible attitude. But my bridesmaids are the ones who suggested it and everyone else really had a great time.
  • emmyg65 said:
    Perhaps instead of being concerned that she doesn't treat you the way a bridesmaid should (what does that even mean?), you should be concerned that your friend is in a damaging relationship that has some red flags for abuse. Forget about your wedding for a minute and step up and be a true friend for her. Spend time with her and don't talk about your wedding at all. Listen to her. Reconnect. Get your priorities back in order.
    I don't know where you pulled that from. This is a wedding website. I have listened to her and told her exactly what is unhealthy about her relationship and always been there for her every time she needs someone. I don't need friend advice because I've been a great friend to her. I need wedding advice. Thanks for your concern. 

    And, I don't know how your bridesmaids treat you, but I know that my idea of a good bridesmaid is a person who loves and supports the bride. Maybe I'm crazy. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    wiggsaj said:
    I'm sure there are many posts similar, but none exactly alike, so I just have to ask.....
    My bridesmaid, we'll call her,  "Mary" is a friend I've had for a few years. Well, almost a year ago she started dating a guy who really turned her upside down and made her into an extremely rude person. Now, when I asked Mary to be in my BP, she was only a few months into the relationship. At that point, I considered her a best friend. Just in the last year, the man she's with has turned her into someone shes not. For example, she accused me for stealing money and lying to her, when I've never done either of those things to her through out our entire relationship. When the bridesmaids get together to help out with the little wedding tasks like assembling invites, she not only refuses to help but she sits far away from the group and says nothing but infrequent snide remarks. I almost never see her anymore because she is always with this man and he wont let her spend time with me except for very rarely. When the bridesmaids got together to find dresses and shoes, she only complained instead of keeping an open mind, even after we found gorgeous dresses and shoes (for $70 TOTAL when we were expecting to spend $150+). When she found out she would have to walk down the aisle with one specific groomsman, she refused and said that her boyfriend would not be okay with that so she won't do it, forcing me to rearrange the entire order. It's gotten to the point where I'm hesitant to invite her places because of (1) how rude her boyfriend is to me and to her when I do & (2) because she has become so mean that it's truly difficult to be around her. 

    On the other posts, I have read that many women drop bridesmaids and lose them as friends. I don't know if I'm ready to lose her forever, but I really don't think she treats me the way a bridesmaid should. I don't know how to handle this. 
    There's nothing to handle. If you are not ready to lose her friendship and kick her out, then you just leave it alone and limit your contact with her if you find her mean and difficult to be around. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • wiggsaj said:

    I'm sure there are many posts similar, but none exactly alike, so I just have to ask.....

    My bridesmaid, we'll call her,  "Mary" is a friend I've had for a few years. Well, almost a year ago she started dating a guy who really turned her upside down and made her into an extremely rude person. Now, when I asked Mary to be in my BP, she was only a few months into the relationship. At that point, I considered her a best friend. Just in the last year, the man she's with has turned her into someone shes not. For example, she accused me for stealing money and lying to her, when I've never done either of those things to her through out our entire relationship. When the bridesmaids get together to help out with the little wedding tasks like assembling invites, she not only refuses to help but she sits far away from the group and says nothing but infrequent snide remarks. I almost never see her anymore because she is always with this man and he wont let her spend time with me except for very rarely. When the bridesmaids got together to find dresses and shoes, she only complained instead of keeping an open mind, even after we found gorgeous dresses and shoes (for $70 TOTAL when we were expecting to spend $150+). When she found out she would have to walk down the aisle with one specific groomsman, she refused and said that her boyfriend would not be okay with that so she won't do it, forcing me to rearrange the entire order. It's gotten to the point where I'm hesitant to invite her places because of (1) how rude her boyfriend is to me and to her when I do & (2) because she has become so mean that it's truly difficult to be around her. 

    On the other posts, I have read that many women drop bridesmaids and lose them as friends. I don't know if I'm ready to lose her forever, but I really don't think she treats me the way a bridesmaid should. I don't know how to handle this. 
    Stop inviting her places.

    Stop asking her to do things for your wedding.

    Tell her to GTFO not liking the GM she's walking with. Either she walks with him or she's out of the wedding. Simple.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • niki&rob said:
    wiggsaj said:
    emmyg65 said:
    Perhaps instead of being concerned that she doesn't treat you the way a bridesmaid should (what does that even mean?), you should be concerned that your friend is in a damaging relationship that has some red flags for abuse. Forget about your wedding for a minute and step up and be a true friend for her. Spend time with her and don't talk about your wedding at all. Listen to her. Reconnect. Get your priorities back in order.
    I don't know where you pulled that from. This is a wedding website. I have listened to her and told her exactly what is unhealthy about her relationship and always been there for her every time she needs someone. I don't need friend advice because I've been a great friend to her. I need wedding advice. Thanks for your concern. 

    And, I don't know how your bridesmaids treat you, but I know that my idea of a good bridesmaid is a person who loves and supports the bride. Maybe I'm crazy. 
    Wiggsaj: I completly agree with Emmyg65, she is obviously acting this way because there is some abuse going on. Have some compassion instead of acting like a bridezilla!  Such an ignorant reply to someone giving you great advice.  If you were a good friend you would put a little more effort into trying to help her, instead of whining about how she has no interest in your wedding.
    I thought this was a place in which we were allowed to vent or to ask for advice. I didn't realize that this was considered "whining" lol. I would really appreciate some advice on the situation. I don't actually need advice in my friendship. But I do appreciate the efforts. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014


    wiggsaj said:
     I would really appreciate some advice on the situation. I don't actually need advice in my friendship. But I do appreciate the efforts. 
    You got advice on the situation. Stop inviting her places, limit your contact with her, tell her to walk with who you say she'll walk with or be out of the wedding, and stop asking her to do things for your wedding. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I am giving you advice, put your friendship first!  You will regret kicking her out because of some petty difference.  Your wedding is ONE day!
  • Well first off subtract being annoyed by having to assemble invites from your list of problems you have with her, as that was actually your bad- a bridesmaids job is to buy the dress and show up the day of.  Assembling invites is not her job.  And being paired up with groomsmen to walk is kinda weird, but having her flip out that her boyfriend will get mad is a pretty glaring red flag.  Also, did she tell you what her budget was for the dress before shopping?  If you asked and she said she could afford 150+ that's one thing, but if you never asked how much money she was comfortable spending, and just expected her to drop however much on whatever you chose, then that's also your bad and it's no wonder she was annoyed- I know I personally work very hard for my money and am trying very hard to save up.  If you told me how much I was spending without giving me a say, I'd be pretty pissed too.

    However, even if her attitude toward assembling invites and buying the dress is removed from your list, that's still a pretty big list of reasons for why you wouldn't really want this person around.  In your last sentence you say you don't really think she treats you as a BRIDESMAID should.  Dump that and replace it with "Friend."  Does she treat you like a FRIEND should?  Do you want her as a FRIEND?  Help yourself decide- remove EVERYTHING wedding-related from your list of complaints.  Is it just wedding stuff that's bothering you or is she actually just not a good friend anymore?

    You're right that dropping a bridesmaid could end the friendship. Basically your decision right now is if you want to remain friends with this person or not, so dumping your idea of what she should be doing as a bridesmaid and focusing instead on what you want from a friend is going to help you avoid making a decision you'll regret.  
    How is that weird?  At every wedding I've been to bridesmaids and groomsmen are paired up to walk together.  The bridesmaids usually walk down the aisle alone but are paired with the groomsmen to walk back up.  Otherwise the recessional would take forever.  
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  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    wiggsaj said:
    We discussed the prices when I first asked her and she said that $150+ was ideal. When I asked the day that we went shopping, all the ladies said that they had no budget needs, including her. I did not assume, because I too work very hard for my money. She literally told me that anything is fine. As far as the invites go, I asked her if she wanted to come over and help out and she told me she'd love to. If she said that she'd rather stay home, or that she'd rather come but not help, I would have been okay with that. Instead, over the phone she said she'd love to, but arrived with a horrible attitude. But my bridesmaids are the ones who suggested it and everyone else really had a great time.
    I think @Emmyg65 gave you really good advice. The thing is that you can't separate life from your wedding. So asking for "wedding advice" without getting "life advice" doesn't really work.

    As to the bolded, this could also be an indicator of abuse. Perhaps she was truly excited to help you but got into a massive blowout with her boyfriend over going out of the house without him to spend time with you right before she got there.

    Personally, I would keep her as a bridesmaid and lower my expectations. If you kick her out, you end the friendship. So just be prepared for that if that is the case. Friendships go through cycles. I agree it doesn't sound like she is being a great friend to you at the moment but if you love her, I hope you'll stand by her - even at arm's length while she goes through this abuse and hopefully eventually comes out the other side.
  • Do you really want to continue the friendship?  If not, feel free to kick her out of the wedding party, but if you do, then I agree with the PPs' advice to stop discussing the wedding with her, tell her that she walks with your designated choice of escort, and stop taking crap from her.  You can let her know, "Mary, you came here with a really bad attitude that I'm finding very hurtful.  Our friendship is suffering because of it.  If you want to stay friends, then I need you to drop the complaints and snide comments to me.  Let me know whether or not you want to stay friends with me."
  • I had a friend like this in highschool. Toward the end of our last year she started dating a guy who was horrible. He would tell her what to wear, made her get braces, and kept track of every single cent he spent on her so they could be 'even'. I'm not kidding, every time he bought her a $1.50 coffee he put it on his little spreadsheet. 

    The worst thing was that she let him interfere in her friendships and her friends' relationships. She told him EVERYthing and he would use things against other people. It was sad, but at that point we realized that we just couldn't trust her anymore.

    Your situation reminds me of the beginning of this. I would honestly just try and be a friend to her at this time and not look at her specifically as a 'bridesmaid'. If she chooses to stay with this guy it may not be much longer that you two can actually stay friends. Give her a chance to do what's right and save her friendships before it goes too far.
  • If you aren't ready to end the friendship forever, kicking her out is not an option.  It's that simple.

    It really sounds like this girl is in an unhealthy relationship.  A true friend would be more concerned with that than with figuring out how to get her to have a better attitude about assembling invitations.  
  • I think all you can do is to continue to invite her to stuff and make the best out of the situation. Make sure to talk to her about her life, you know that how is work, how is your BF, have you guys done anything fun lately, basic conversation stuff you would ask her about if she was in a better relationship & you weren't getting married. When her BF says things that hurt your feelings, let her know. Then hopefully everything will go smoothly for the wedding & try to not let any comments get to you. After the wedding, try to keep in touch because hopefully someday her eyes will open to what type of relationship she is in and what type of a friend she became and she will be forever grateful that you stuck by her through that. Good luck!!
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