"Tier 2 Invites..."

ladybird29

Yesterday I went with a friend to meet up with a group of girls she knows from her work. She's one of my bridesmaids and I thought maybe it could be fun - meet new people, whatever. Anyway, once I got there I found out that one of the girls is also getting married this year, so naturally we started on the standard wedding talk. Right away she started talking about how hard the guest list has been - not being able to invite "plus ones," having to skip people altogether, etc. Alright, while we haven't had that problem, I know a lot of brides that have and can sympathize (although - I think it's a bit harsh not to allow guests to bring someone, but I might be in the minority there). She then says, as if it's normal practice, "We're a bit behind actually as we need to get our invites out in April so that we can get our "second-tier" invites out in late June." Her wedding is in August. I asked her what she meant by second-tier invitations and she said, "Well, we have so many people that we want to invite but our venue only fits so many, so we're going to see who RSVP's and then once we start getting 'no's' we can mail out the second round. I mean, people should know whether they're coming to the wedding or not, so why wait and then have a bunch of people that want to go not be able to?" B-LIST. Gross. What makes it worse is she sent out STD's as well....which I realized once I got home doesn't make any sense because how would she decide who to send them to if she's operating off a "tiered" list? I really wish I would have asked her about that! Anyway, thought I'd share....

Inkdancer

Danger+Zone

I realize having a B-list isn't nice, but unfortunately sometimes it may one of the only practical options. Sending save the dates to everyone, but having a B-list doesn't make sense to me either though.

Inkdancer

Danger+Zone said:

I realize having a B-list isn't nice, but unfortunately sometimes it may one of the only practical options. Sending save the dates to everyone, but having a B-list doesn't make sense to me either though.

When is having a B-list ever an acceptable option? If you have 250 people you'd like to invite, you pick a venue that can hold 250 people. It's not hard.

ladybird29

I also want to point out that sending out invites (to all or some of your guests) in April for an August wedding is a huge no-no in my book. If I got one that early, I'd immediately know what was going on....I'd be tempted to accept and then change my mind, but of course wouldn't do that because I'm not rude...like the girl that's pulling this crazy stunt.

emmaaa

My best friend/BM is getting married this year as well. She is having WP and family only ceremony and everyone else at the reception. Where she hopes everyone will have eaten beforehand so she doesn't have to feed so many people. I was like WHAT?!? If I was invited to only a reception at 7 pm, I would expect to be fed...shakes head.

ladybird29

@ eg72 YIKES. Is she offering any sort of food or just banking on people having eaten in order to keep the bill low? I've got a wedding in a few weeks that's "reception-only" ...it's at a wine bar/small plate restaurant. I had assumed they'd be serving food until your post...now I'm wondering if we should eat beforehand.

emmaaa

@ladybird29 She will have food but not a lot of it. so she's hoping there will be enough of what she has for those who did not eat. Like me, since I'm in the WP and will have been busy all day.

I tried to tell her that the reception is for guests who were at the ceremony. You receive them as husband and wife and thank them for coming and being a part of your life. The reception is where costs go up. But since it will be 7pm and they weren't at the ceremony she assumes they will have eaten and th efood will be for those that hadn't? This is all my guessing her rationale.

thisismynickname2

Someone wanna take a crack at a B-List Sticky?

a) Develop your must-have list

b) Develop your really-want list

c) Cut everyone else

d) Find a venue that accommodates A+B

e) Make sure the venue can also accommodate a number significantly below A+B without robbing you blind-- perhaps by upping quality of food and drink to meet a cost minimum

f) Send invites to A+B

g) Be happy with whatever number happens to show up. 

Why? No one wants to feel like a seat-filler or like you only wanted them for a gift or to meet a minimum. No one wants to know where they really stand in the grand scheme of your life, like knowing 250 people are more important than they are. 

JellyBean52513

Danger+Zone said:

I realize having a B-list isn't nice, but unfortunately sometimes it may one of the only practical options. Sending save the dates to everyone, but having a B-list doesn't make sense to me either though.

Absolutely no. The only PRACTICAL option is to plan according to who you absolutely want at your wedding. You start with that guest list, and then you find venues that can accommodate that number of people. 

Jen4948

Rude rude rude.

cruffino

I hate people.

HisGirlFriday13

Danger+Zone said:

I realize having a B-list isn't nice, but unfortunately sometimes it may one of the only practical options. Sending save the dates to everyone, but having a B-list doesn't make sense to me either though.

Being rude is never practical.

mcgarci2

Practical and B-list do not belong in any sentence together ever... except this one.  Yick.  Invite me to a 7:00pm reception only and hope that I've eaten?  I have no words.

hyechica81

@eg72 how is she going to figure out who gets food or not at her reception? is she doing a buffet? what is she telling the venue i have 100 people coming but only 50 are eating? that is rude 7 pm is a evening wedding time where you serve a meal. 

that is one wedding her guest will be talking about for a long time and in a bad way ..

emmaaa

@hyechica81 I don't even know how her brain is working at this point. The way I have come to understand it is this:

Ceremony at church 530 pm: family only (60 guests)

Pictures until 630 pm: Family will go to reception venue for drinks and start eatng

Reception at 630 or 700: Friends and family (150ish)

The food she is planning is buffet and will be available to anyone who wants it but I don't think there will be enoughfor everyone. I told her that people coming to a reception at 700 pm will assume they are being fed since it is meal time. She said that most people will eat beforehand?

Like I said, I don't completely get it and she seems to think this idead works. My wedding is 3 months after and I took 1 year to plan. She got engaged after me and wanted a warm season wedding so didn't have as much time to plan. At this point I think she is just trying to get married and have a party. I think if that's the case she shoul djust have the reception later, let's say 800 pm. Then people will have eaten first.

grumbledore

60 people to the ceremony and 150 at the reception is ridiculous.  She'd be better off just hosting the 60 that she can afford to feed.

Weddings without enough food are the worst.  I went to a wedding like this with a tiered reception and there wasn't even enough food for those of us who were invited to everything.

It's a disaster waiting to happen.

emmaaa

@grumbledore Y'all are all completely right. I've been adimant about this with her. I'm hoping I can sway her in the right direction but she is deadset...I'll be embarassed for her but will make sure not to make the same mistakes.

tesgirl123

Ugh, I hate the idea of a B-list.   My FFIL tried to pull that and fortunately FMIL shot that down.    We invited more people that our venue could hold but only because we knew some people would not be able to come.    We made a guest list of about 165, and our venue could hold no more than 170.   However, after we set the date and booked the venue we found out that about 8 of our guests wouldn't be able to make it(two friends found out they were pregnant and are due within a week of the wedding and live out of state, work committments).  We knew there was no way they were coming and were able to up our guest list before the STDs went out.   Everyone got their invites at the same time.

jenna8984

This may take the cake. I was once told by a bride that "Since my cousin Steve is a groomsman and he's single, and you're single (at the time) you can effectively come as his date instead of getting your own invitation and plus one. You don't even have to sit with him or anything, just if people ask who your date is you can say Steve."

If he had been a stranger I absolutely would have said "You're out of your fucking mind" but since I was actually fairly close friends with Steve and we just thought it would be fun to hang out together, I went along with it.

PhoneCardLady

HisGirlFriday13

tesgirl123 said:

Ugh, I hate the idea of a B-list.   My FFIL tried to pull that and fortunately FMIL shot that down.    We invited more people that our venue could hold but only because we knew some people would not be able to come.    We made a guest list of about 165, and our venue could hold no more than 170.   However, after we set the date and booked the venue we found out that about 8 of our guests wouldn't be able to make it(two friends found out they were pregnant and are due within a week of the wedding and live out of state, work committments).  We knew there was no way they were coming and were able to up our guest list before the STDs went out.   Everyone got their invites at the same time.

This is still a bad idea. Plans (and work commitments) can change.

theartistformerlyknownas

Ugh. I was a B-list invitee to a wedding and it SUCKED, although at least she was upfront about it... she actually called on the phone and said "we're having a pretty small backyard wedding so we couldn't invite everyone, but some people just backed out so we'd really love to have you. Just you, there's no room for a guest, but hey you can ride with Jeff! It's this Saturday." Uh... thanks? I went, but it was super awkward. I knew almost nobody there so I just had to wonder how far down the list of friends I had fallen, how many people had said 'no' before she got to me. That was... 6 years ago? I think I've seen her once since then.

tesgirl123

HisGirlFriday13 said:

tesgirl123 said:

Ugh, I hate the idea of a B-list.   My FFIL tried to pull that and fortunately FMIL shot that down.    We invited more people that our venue could hold but only because we knew some people would not be able to come.    We made a guest list of about 165, and our venue could hold no more than 170.   However, after we set the date and booked the venue we found out that about 8 of our guests wouldn't be able to make it(two friends found out they were pregnant and are due within a week of the wedding and live out of state, work committments).  We knew there was no way they were coming and were able to up our guest list before the STDs went out.   Everyone got their invites at the same time.

This is still a bad idea. Plans (and work commitments) can change.

You're right.  It was a risk, but we were very confident they weren't joining us.  They were very extreme cases of work committments(one serving overseas in the military who normally lives in another stateand told us he would use his leave to come home for Christmas with his parents rather than come to our wedding, which I would expect, and one who will be working for a TV station covering the NCAA basketball finales) and two women who are now going to give birth literally any day now (both told us after the window where statistically they were expected to carry to term).  

thisismynickname2

Lolo8383 said:

Ugh. I was a B-list invitee to a wedding and it SUCKED, although at least she was upfront about it... she actually called on the phone and said "we're having a pretty small backyard wedding so we couldn't invite everyone, but some people just backed out so we'd really love to have you. Just you, there's no room for a guest, but hey you can ride with Jeff! It's this Saturday." Uh... thanks? I went, but it was super awkward. I knew almost nobody there so I just had to wonder how far down the list of friends I had fallen, how many people had said 'no' before she got to me. That was... 6 years ago? I think I've seen her once since then.

Stuck in box with underlining?   I think what bothers me most about B-listing is that "but we'd love to have you" sentiment. No, if you'd love to have me, I'd have been on the original invite list.  And I totally get it, I do- I've been B-listed twice that I know of and been tiered as well, but I still went to these three events and had a grand old time because I knew beforehand where I stood with these people. We were acquaintances, we got along great in group settings, but they weren't people I'm going to call on the phone and talk about my day with. The difference is that I have no intention of inviting acquaintances to my wedding, and other people have a genuine attitude of "the more the merrier" and want every they know to come celebrate. There are other underlying issues with "the more the merrier" mindset that I don't have the energy to type out, but just..... whatever, if I get invited to stuff, I'll go and celebrate because I'm a good sport and am happy for people, and I won't B-list for mine, and move on with life. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Stuck in box with underlining?   I think what bothers me most about B-listing is that "but we'd love to have you" sentiment. No, if you'd love to have me, I'd have been on the original invite list.  And I totally get it, I do- I've been B-listed twice that I know of and been tiered as well, but I still went to these three events and had a grand old time because I knew beforehand where I stood with these people. We were acquaintances, we got along great in group settings, but they weren't people I'm going to call on the phone and talk about my day with. The difference is that I have no intention of inviting acquaintances to my wedding, and other people have a genuine attitude of "the more the merrier" and want every they know to come celebrate. There are other underlying issues with "the more the merrier" mindset that I don't have the energy to type out, but just..... whatever, if I get invited to stuff, I'll go and celebrate because I'm a good sport and am happy for people, and I won't B-list for mine, and move on with life. 

Absolutely. I kind of gave her props that at least she called a spade a spade, rather than trying to sneak some super late invitation in the mail and hope I didn't notice. But I knew I wasn't one of her "A" friends, and wasn't hurt at all about not being invited in the first place (especially knowing the wedding was in her FILs' backyard). But it's more hurtful to get an after-the-fact, consolation prize, "please fill a seat and make me feel warm and fuzzy" invite than to not get invited at all.

APDSS22

eg72 said:

@hyechica81 I don't even know how her brain is working at this point. The way I have come to understand it is this:

Ceremony at church 530 pm: family only (60 guests)

Pictures until 630 pm: Family will go to reception venue for drinks and start eatng

Reception at 630 or 700: Friends and family (150ish)

The food she is planning is buffet and will be available to anyone who wants it but I don't think there will be enoughfor everyone. I told her that people coming to a reception at 700 pm will assume they are being fed since it is meal time. She said that most people will eat beforehand?

Like I said, I don't completely get it and she seems to think this idead works. My wedding is 3 months after and I took 1 year to plan. She got engaged after me and wanted a warm season wedding so didn't have as much time to plan. At this point I think she is just trying to get married and have a party. I think if that's the case she shoul djust have the reception later, let's say 800 pm. Then people will have eaten first.

Maybe you can bring up if anyone has to drive any distance at all they won't have time for food beforehand and if all the food gets eaten by people who were at the ceremony, they'll have to leave super early because otherwise they'll starve.  I'm sure at least some of the extra 90 have to travel.  Does she really want to be a bride who forces her guests to leave early and pull through a McDonald's in their fancy clothes because she didn't care enough about them to feed them during a meal time reception?

emmaaa

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

eg72 said:

@hyechica81 I don't even know how her brain is working at this point. The way I have come to understand it is this:

Ceremony at church 530 pm: family only (60 guests)

Pictures until 630 pm: Family will go to reception venue for drinks and start eatng

Reception at 630 or 700: Friends and family (150ish)

The food she is planning is buffet and will be available to anyone who wants it but I don't think there will be enoughfor everyone. I told her that people coming to a reception at 700 pm will assume they are being fed since it is meal time. She said that most people will eat beforehand?

Like I said, I don't completely get it and she seems to think this idead works. My wedding is 3 months after and I took 1 year to plan. She got engaged after me and wanted a warm season wedding so didn't have as much time to plan. At this point I think she is just trying to get married and have a party. I think if that's the case she shoul djust have the reception later, let's say 800 pm. Then people will have eaten first.

Maybe you can bring up if anyone has to drive any distance at all they won't have time for food beforehand and if all the food gets eaten by people who were at the ceremony, they'll have to leave super early because otherwise they'll starve.  I'm sure at least some of the extra 90 have to travel.  Does she really want to be a bride who forces her guests to leave early and pull through a McDonald's in their fancy clothes because she didn't care enough about them to feed them during a meal time reception?

 

STUCK IN BOX!

@TheFutureMRSRohlman22 that's a good point. I'll bring it up to her. She probably hadn't thought of it that way. i've told her that I understand the cost of a wedding, seeing as i'm planning one myself, but if you can only afford family: just invite family! Then have a party a few weeks later with your friends. I think she wants the best of both worlds.

crunchymamaof2

I also don't understand inviting people to the reception and not the ceremony due to money. The reception is what costs the money, not the ceremony. Of course your gem of a friend @eg72 is getting around this by inviting 150 but only hosting the original 60. I just don't understand how people think this is okay.....especially people who are normally very considerate otherwise. I swear weddings and babies really bring out the crazies.

emmaaa

@acove2006 That's exactly what I told her! I was like, "The ceremony is the cheap part!" ugh.

larrygaga

The thing where she thinks everyone will show up already fed is funny. I rarely eat my dinner before 7. If there was a reception starting anywhere from 4-8 I would assume there is a dinner.