Issues with the Mother of the Bride

cleeanncamp

My parents are divorced and I have a very strained relationship with my mom because of it. I lived with her even though I wanted to go with my dad, and moved out when I was 19 because all we did was scream at each other. It's important to note that my mom is not contributing any money to the wedding whatsoever; my dad is footing 95% of the bill. However, in her mind, I should have a $400 aisle runner, the bridal shower should be at a restaurant of her choosing instead of my future aunt-in-laws home (which is perfect), and I have no business wearing my leather jacket to get from the hotel to the car because I should be in a fur wrap instead. She completely steps all over my fiance and I's taste and borderline insults some of my person choices. And then, if I do stand up to her, she pouts and makes snide remarks like a teenager! The wedding is still 9 months away. I do have a relationship with her; it's not like we don't speak, so not discussing wedding plans really isn't a feasible option. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and navigated it with less issues?

OliveOilsMom

cleeanncamp said:

My parents are divorced and I have a very strained relationship with my mom because of it. I lived with her even though I wanted to go with my dad, and moved out when I was 19 because all we did was scream at each other. It's important to note that my mom is not contributing any money to the wedding whatsoever; my dad is footing 95% of the bill. However, in her mind, I should have a $400 aisle runner, the bridal shower should be at a restaurant of her choosing instead of my future aunt-in-laws home (which is perfect), and I have no business wearing my leather jacket to get from the hotel to the car because I should be in a fur wrap instead. She completely steps all over my fiance and I's taste and borderline insults some of my person choices. And then, if I do stand up to her, she pouts and makes snide remarks like a teenager! The wedding is still 9 months away. I do have a relationship with her; it's not like we don't speak, so not discussing wedding plans really isn't a feasible option. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and navigated it with less issues?

Not discussing wedding plans is the perfect answer.  Just change the topic of conversation to something else.  If mom brings up the wedding, and says that you must do xy and z, then just say thank you for the input, it's something to consider. And then change the subject.  Your mom cannot speak badly about your wedding if she doesn't know what is going on.  You don't need to stand up to her in a grand fashion.  Just calmly change subjects.

KeptInStitches

I still recommend bean dip, even if you do speak. If she's insulting your tastes on everything, why should she be privy to details?

Maggie0829

Why are you discussing your wedding plans with her if you A) don't get a long and she isn't paying for it?

cleeanncamp

Both of you are absolutely right. The only reason she hears details is because she will berate my fiance for information when we get together, and he really is too nice to bean dip her or change the subject. I was truly trying to keep the peace by filling her in on random details, but it's becoming more of a hassle for everyone involved. If I don't tell her something, she bugs my father and that's just ridiculous.

Jen4948

cleeanncamp said:

Both of you are absolutely right. The only reason she hears details is because she will berate my fiance for information when we get together, and he really is too nice to bean dip her or change the subject. I was truly trying to keep the peace by filling her in on random details, but it's becoming more of a hassle for everyone involved. If I don't tell her something, she bugs my father and that's just ridiculous.

Let your FI know not to share details of the plans with her no matter how nice he's feeling.  He can say things like "We're working things out" or something non-committal, and it's even okay to say, "I'm sorry, but the subject is closed" to indicate that it is not open for discussion.

Your father doesn't have to take her calls or emails-he can screen them and have them sent to voice mail or just delete them.  As ridiculous as it is, she does this because she gets answers when she does.  If she doesn't, hopefully that will get across the message that the plans are not hers to make, change, or cancel.

OliveOilsMom

cleeanncamp said:

Both of you are absolutely right. The only reason she hears details is because she will berate my fiance for information when we get together, and he really is too nice to bean dip her or change the subject. I was truly trying to keep the peace by filling her in on random details, but it's becoming more of a hassle for everyone involved. If I don't tell her something, she bugs my father and that's just ridiculous.

Then you both need to learn how to react when your mom starts like this.  Set boundaries now.  If she starts badgering you or FI about things you don't want to talk about and changing the topic won't work.  Then just leave or hang up the phone.  "Mom, we have different visions in the wedding.  So we have decided to not fill you in on anymore details since your reactions to them are less than desirable for us.  So unless you have anything else to talk about, I have to go now."  It is up to your father how he will deal with your mom.  But you can tell him that you are no longer filling her in on details, since she isn't happy with any of them.

cleeanncamp

She had us over for dinner for my FI's birthday on Sunday, and every tiny issue all bubbled into one when she started yelling at me for not blocking suites off instead of regular rooms. I know I should have just stopped the conversation before it could hit the breaking point, but I've been keeping the peace since we got engaged and it just took it's toll. 

Jen4948

cleeanncamp said:

She had us over for dinner for my FI's birthday on Sunday, and every tiny issue all bubbled into one when she started yelling at me for not blocking suites off instead of regular rooms. I know I should have just stopped the conversation before it could hit the breaking point, but I've been keeping the peace since we got engaged and it just took it's toll. 

Sorry to hear that.  I think your mother needs to know that too: "Mom, I've reached my limit with your nonstop complaints about my wedding.  From this point on, neither FI, Dad, nor I will share any details with you, and we will not hear any more complaints from you or be yelled at.  Also, at the wedding itself, we will have security escort out anyone who creates any scenes or otherwise behaves inappropriately.  That includes you."  And be prepared to follow through on that if necessary.

lc07

I learned a long time ago that people treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. And that old habits die hard. I was fortunate that it was friends and a SO that treated me that way and I simply cut them from my life. Had it been my mom, I know it would have been difficult since I would have wanted to try to fix the relationship instead of simply cutting her out. I'm sorry that it's your mom who is treating you this way. The PPs have given you excellent advice about how to proceed in future conversations. I would also suggest counseling for ways to deal with setting boundaries with her.

singinchick13

I think you just need to tell her once and for all that it is your wedding, not hers, and you do not need or want her opinion. Tell her that you find her comments very offensive, as does your fiance, and that she is not to criticize any aspect of the wedding unless you ask for it. She also should not be soliciting information from your father. If she does not respect your wishes, then you will have to reevaluate the situation.

LarraO2530

I'm sorry your mom is causing you so much pain and stress. I can understand the frustration with trying to keep the peace and trying to build a (good) relationship. My family is a bunch of whack-a-doodles, and for way too long I have been trying to do the very same thing, keep it calm, keep it peaceful, smooth it over. It's damaging to myself and my FI, and I've finally grown big enough balls (excuse my French) to tell my mom and sister that I'm sick of it all. I will not involve myself in their lives anymore, and they will not have the opportunity to involve themselves in mine. It is hurtful, and it is going to be hard, but my mom acts the same way, pouting and pretty much stomping her feet like a 2 year old when she doesn't get her way or the answer she wants to hear. She isn't contributing anything except stress and hurt, so I don't think it's wrong of you at all to just let her know "Hey mom, butt out. It's not your wedding to plan and if you don't like it, that's just too bad because we do. And feel free to book yourself a suite"

RissAnn1970

If your mother is berating your FI, you shouldn't be allowing her contact with him. Your first responsibility is to your FI, and your family doesn't get to treat him like crap. If she cant cut out, she doesn't get to see or talk to the two of you. The end.