The wait is killing me!

kel1087

Hi all!

Technically I'm not engaged but then again I am. Makes no sense, I know but bear with me. My SO and I have known each other for several years. He has tried on a couple of occasions to get me to date him but at those points in time, I either wasn't ready for a relationship or my plate was full.

We recently sat down for lunch and discussed everything between us. I have had a crush on him since the day I first met him back in 2001. Without me informing him of this, he admitted that he has loved me for almost as long as he has known me. Even though we never really hung out, my sister is a good friend of his and asked me to go with her to his house many times. After I finally confessed my crush-turned-love, he asked me to date him. I agreed.

One of the things we had discussed is the fact that I had hoped to be married by the time I turn 30 but it looked like that was never going to happen. Well a few nights ago, I jokingly asked what h was getting me for my birthday. He responded by telling me that he still had three years to get what I wanted. I asked what he meant so he asked me to marry him before I turn 30, just like I want. Then he requested that I give him time to find the perfect ring and save for my dream wedding. He also told me to start planning if I wanted to.

So now I'm planning and I don't know how to do it without being burnt out in the three years he requested. I don't want to be indecisive but I'm afraid with all this time, I will be. And since I know it's eminent, I can't NOT plan. Any ideas?

FoxandBunny

kel1087 said:

Hi all!

Technically I'm not engaged but then again I am. Makes no sense, I know but bear with me. My SO and I have known each other for several years. He has tried on a couple of occasions to get me to date him but at those points in time, I either wasn't ready for a relationship or my plate was full.

We recently sat down for lunch and discussed everything between us. I have had a crush on him since the day I first met him back in 2001. Without me informing him of this, he admitted that he has loved me for almost as long as he has known me. Even though we never really hung out, my sister is a good friend of his and asked me to go with her to his house many times. After I finally confessed my crush-turned-love, he asked me to date him. I agreed.

One of the things we had discussed is the fact that I had hoped to be married by the time I turn 30 but it looked like that was never going to happen. Well a few nights ago, I jokingly asked what h was getting me for my birthday. He responded by telling me that he still had three years to get what I wanted. I asked what he meant so he asked me to marry him before I turn 30, just like I want. Then he requested that I give him time to find the perfect ring and save for my dream wedding. He also told me to start planning if I wanted to.

So now I'm planning and I don't know how to do it without being burnt out in the three years he requested. I don't want to be indecisive but I'm afraid with all this time, I will be. And since I know it's eminent, I can't NOT plan. Any ideas?

I am so confused. You just recently started dating this guy after being friends for years, and now you're engaged because he said he wanted to marry you before you turned 30? 

Based on that I would say slow your roll. I would personally wait for a long while and just actually date before you planned a wedding. While being friends before dating is awesome, being in a relationship with someone is different than friendship. Many things can come up, like financial habits and future plans, that are essential for a marriage to work, but aren't necessarily talked about in a friendship setting. 

I would also talk to him in depth about exactly what he meant by "before 30." Does that mean he wants to get married ASAP (which would seem strange to me) or does that mean he wants to wait 3 years? This is an important issue to hash out before you go any further. Timelines are extremely important.

All in all, I would hold off on all wedding planning until you had at least these discussions with him.

bethsmiles

If you don't view yourself as engaged then stop planning. There is no "technically engaged" or "unofficially engaged" or any other bullshit. You either are or you aren't. It's not difficult to figure out. You don't need a ring to get engaged but you do need to have a talk with your SO and decide if you are or if you aren't. He can still give you a ring later but jewelry doesn't mandate your relationship status so it won't make you any more engaged later to have a ring. If you are kind of engaged, your engaged. If you want the ring before considering yourselves engaged (completely acceptable) then you aren't engaged AT ALL (zero level of engagement) and you should stop planning anything until after you are engaged. Honestly, it sounds like you are the former, so you are engaged you just don't have a ring, not a big deal at all.

Even if you are engaged you should probably still not really be planning this far out. Any big planning like choosing a date and booking a venue isn't the best idea 3 years out. Things change, your tastes will change, circumstances and finances could change. And you will definitely be burnt out in 3 years. Depending on your location I'd start looking at venues 1 - 1.5 years out.

Also, it's pretty damn easy not to plan. Pick up a book, go for a run, start a new hobby. Get a life. If you seriously have nothing to do but plan a wedding you really need to get out more.

kel1087

I am jumping the gun, aren't I? I just didn't see it that way at first. Thanks for bringing me back to Earth!

bethsmiles

Holy crap! That was the quickest turn around I've ever seen on this board and I wasn't especially nice in my post. I really hope you stick around! These ladies are awesome at keeping people grounded. I know I've definitely had my crazy moments and they always reign me in!

Slow clap to you OP!

kel1087

I'm not usually one to NOT stay grounded but there's just something about this man that makes me goofy.

I have been in other relationships before but none of them made me feel like he does. Wow, I sound cheesy! lol

Swazzle

buddysmom80

Why do you have to be married before 30? I'll be 34 when I'm married (for the first time) and um, there wasn't any difference between being 30 and 33 (yet)...

Blue & White

Also the first thing to nail down after guest list is venue, which means you need a date. So logistically you really can't plan anything until then anyway.

Also if this happened as quick as your summary implies, I would run for the hills. Crush doesn't instantly turn to love. Usually crush is based on fantasies that aren't real.

GoldenPenguin

kel1087 said:

Hi all!

Technically I'm not engaged but then again I am. Makes no sense, I know but bear with me. My SO and I have known each other for several years. He has tried on a couple of occasions to get me to date him but at those points in time, I either wasn't ready for a relationship or my plate was full.

We recently sat down for lunch and discussed everything between us. I have had a crush on him since the day I first met him back in 2001. Without me informing him of this, he admitted that he has loved me for almost as long as he has known me. Even though we never really hung out, my sister is a good friend of his and asked me to go with her to his house many times. After I finally confessed my crush-turned-love, he asked me to date him. I agreed.

One of the things we had discussed is the fact that I had hoped to be married by the time I turn 30 but it looked like that was never going to happen. Well a few nights ago, I jokingly asked what h was getting me for my birthday. He responded by telling me that he still had three years to get what I wanted. I asked what he meant so he asked me to marry him before I turn 30, just like I want. Then he requested that I give him time to find the perfect ring and save for my dream wedding. He also told me to start planning if I wanted to.

So now I'm planning and I don't know how to do it without being burnt out in the three years he requested. I don't want to be indecisive but I'm afraid with all this time, I will be. And since I know it's eminent, I can't NOT plan. Any ideas?

Wait, so you think you're engaged to someone that you just recently starting dating? 

For fucks sake. 

phira

Also, I really hate to say this, but loving someone from afar for years and years and years isn't nearly as romantic as it sounds. It's kind of terrifying, since it means that he loves you without really knowing anything about what you're actually like as a significant other. Or, if you never really hang out, as a person. That is a huge huge huge huge red flag to me.

As is the fact that so early in your relationship, when he hints he wants to eventually propose, your reaction is, "Okay, maybe I should start planning?" and not, "WE JUST STARTED DATING where is the eject button oh god oh god."

GoldenPenguin

phira said:

Also, I really hate to say this, but loving someone from afar for years and years and years isn't nearly as romantic as it sounds. It's kind of terrifying, since it means that he loves you without really knowing anything about what you're actually like as a significant other. Or, if you never really hang out, as a person. That is a huge huge huge huge red flag to me.

As is the fact that so early in your relationship, when he hints he wants to eventually propose, your reaction is, "Okay, maybe I should start planning?" and not, "WE JUST STARTED DATING where is the eject button oh god oh god."

SO. MUCH. THIS. 

I would be fucking GONE. 

bananasplit472001

kel1087 said:

Hi all!

Technically I'm not engaged but then again I am. Makes no sense, I know but bear with me. My SO and I have known each other for several years. He has tried on a couple of occasions to get me to date him but at those points in time, I either wasn't ready for a relationship or my plate was full.

We recently sat down for lunch and discussed everything between us. I have had a crush on him since the day I first met him back in 2001. Without me informing him of this, he admitted that he has loved me for almost as long as he has known me. Even though we never really hung out, my sister is a good friend of his and asked me to go with her to his house many times. After I finally confessed my crush-turned-love, he asked me to date him. I agreed.

One of the things we had discussed is the fact that I had hoped to be married by the time I turn 30 but it looked like that was never going to happen. Well a few nights ago, I jokingly asked what h was getting me for my birthday. He responded by telling me that he still had three years to get what I wanted. I asked what he meant so he asked me to marry him before I turn 30, just like I want. Then he requested that I give him time to find the perfect ring and save for my dream wedding. He also told me to start planning if I wanted to.

So now I'm planning and I don't know how to do it without being burnt out in the three years he requested. I don't want to be indecisive but I'm afraid with all this time, I will be. And since I know it's eminent, I can't NOT plan. Any ideas?

Ok I understand this is the knot and it glorify's the wedding planning process, but weddings are NOT marriages.  I really don't get the people who want to plan their entire wedding, engagement etc. before it even happens.  Take the time to work on your current relationship that could possibly lead to a marriage before you plan your wedding which is only a one day event.  After all of the wedding planning is over then what?  Live in the moment with your SO and talk about the future but there is no need to plan for a wedding when you aren't even engaged.

bride2b71614

Your post reminds me of a pact I made with a friend when we were fourteen. Okay, granted, we were fourteen, but we said "if both of us are not married and not in serious relationships by the time we are 30 (to us that seemed forever away), we will marry each other". We made this pact while we were both in an emotionally compromised state (we had just recently broken up with our SOs) in order to make us feel better. Recently I ran into the person I made the pact with. We laughed about how silly it was, and cracked a few jokes on how we'd answer our "hypothetical children conceived out of this pact" if they asked us why we got married (its even more comical because I am 33 weeks along in my pregnancy). 

Due to my story above (and because you just started dating each other), I thought your SO was joking. Because this isn't the case, I think that you two had a conversation about an engagement timeline, and he did not propose to you. My definition of a "proposal" is when either you or your SO asks the question: "will you marry me?" I believe that the only time someone should start planning their wedding is if the answer to the question was "yes", and both parties agree on an arbitrary date. 

bethsmiles

@bride2b71614 - I can't believe you are already at 33 weeks!! How has your pregnancy been going?

kel1087

I realize now that things are going pretty fast. I have told him that we really do need to take time to just be together. He has agreed. So now instead of planning, I'm enjoying our time spent together.

And btw, where do you all get those awesome gifs?!