Asking a Bridesmaid to Step Down?

perdonami

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

Amyzen83

If she removes herself as a bridesmaid that's her choice and tell her you understand, but Unless you wish to end the friendship you shouldn't ask her to step down. If you want your bridesmaids to have a "look" and professionally done hair and make up, you must be willing to pay for it and no this doesn't count as a bridesmaid gift.

blabla89

Giving her an "out" is quite different than asking her to step down. If she expresses concern that she can't afford it, and you tell her that you understand and will still love her even if she just can't make it, and she chooses to step out of the wedding herself, then that's one thing. But to ask her to step down would be incredibly rude, even if you somehow think you're doing her a favor. If someone told me, "I want you to be in my wedding but only if you can spend $X on it," that would be friendship ending.

Also, you cannot require your BMs to pay to have their hair and makeup done. If you want to specify their hair and makeup style beyond what they could easily do themselves, then you MUST pay for it.

mysticl

perdonami said:

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

If you are requiring it, absolutely yes.  Now, if one of them wants to go get her hair and makeup done (with no hinting from you) then that's on her to pay for it.  Saying you want them to have up-dos would be hinting that they should go get their hair done since you know they don't have those skills.

The only expenses your friend should have are the dress and hotel.  There are no other expenses involved unless she chooses to pay them.  She does not need to pay for hair and make up and even if you have a bridal shower and bachelorette party she is not financially responsible for those events unless she offers to contribute to them.  

perdonami

Well, no one is required to pay for a bridal shower or bachelorette party (nor asked too). Most likely will not have one. Although, if I did have one she could not afford to attend them.

She brought it up already as she stated I should 'fire' her. Can't afford travel expenses and dress (dont forget shoes, nylons, etc). Wasn't sure if she was hinting at something.

Oh and their gifts have been bought (and no I would not return her gift), the make-up/hair would not have been a gift period.

JCbride2015

If you require updos and a certain makeup look, then yes you should pay.

And the dress should be within your BMs' budget.  You should ask each of them, individually, what their budget is and then go with the lowest number when finding a dress for everyone.  So really, it should not be an unmanageable cost to be a BM.  If she can't afford to help with shower and bach, then she just doesn't participate.

PrettyGirlLost

perdonami said:

Well, no one is required to pay for a bridal shower or bachelorette party (nor asked too). Most likely will not have one. Although, if I did have one you could not afford to attend them.

She brought it up already as she stated I should 'fire' her. Can't afford travel expenses and dress (dont forget shoes, nylons, etc). Wasn't sure if she was hinting at something.

Oh and their gifts have been bought (and no I would not return her gift), the make-up/hair would not have been a gift period.

Huh?

ashley8918

perdonami said:

Well, no one is required to pay for a bridal shower or bachelorette party (nor asked too). Most likely will not have one. Although, if I did have one you could not afford to attend them

She brought it up already as she stated I should 'fire' her. Can't afford travel expenses and dress (dont forget shoes, nylons, etc). Wasn't sure if she was hinting at something.

Oh and their gifts have been bought (and no I would not return her gift), the make-up/hair would not have been a gift period.

Huh?

__SIB__

WHAT?!

(Edited: the formatting on this site is atrocious)

phira

I'm actually going to go as far as saying if you want your bridesmaids to have up-dos, you need to pay for it. I am definitely not skilled enough to do my own up-do and would have to have it professionally done, so requiring an up-do would, for me, be requiring professional hair. If you were going to ask your 'maids to wear their hair down, or to have it pulled back in some fashion, I'd say whatever. But if you're going to be requiring a particular look, that's entirely for your photos, so you should be paying for it.

As for your friend, talk to her. Call her up and say, "I care about you a lot, and your well-being is really important to me. If you want to step down and be a guest instead of a bridesmaid, I completely understand, and I will definitely NOT be upset with you. If you need some time to think about it, that's completely fine. I'd feel terrible if you had to spend more than you could afford because you were afraid of offending me."

Viczaesar

I think you should assure her that there are no expenses aside from the dress and actually getting to the wedding, and that she doesn't have to spend any more on a dress than she's comfortable with.  It sounds like she thinks that she is required to spend more and that she thinks you expect her to spend more.

hyechica81

this is what i told my bridesmaids you can do your hair any style you want  my sister has a lot of hair products and curling and straighteners   etc  at the house  but if you want to get your hair done this is where i am going her is the number to make an apt.


if you dictate how you want it done then you must pay for it and updoos can be expensive

LondonLisa

Did you ask her what her budget was before you picked a dress?

Anything beyond the dress you specifically require, you must pay for (shoes, hair, makeup, jewellery etc)

Asking someone to step down is a friendship ending move. I think you should call her as a friend and ask how she is (don't mention your wedding). It seems like she is going through some financial troubles and just needs to talk to a friend. 

If she removes herself, then so be it, it is perfectly understandable (especially if you didn't ask the budget for her wedding dress). But I think kicking her out is a fairly harsh move. 

MobKaz

perdonami said:

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

In addition to what other posters have said about cost, please do not insist they all have to have cloned hairstyles.  I find it incredibly offensive and controlling that a bride would demand a particular hairstyle.  What if one of your BM's prefers to wear their hair down?  Why would it matter AT ALL to the bride??

larrygaga

If she's close enough to be a bridesmaid isn't it rather important that she's there for you, whether or not her hair looks great? Can you afford to help her with her finances to get to the wedding?

Or are they just props to you?

NYCMercedes

Can you find her a free place to stay at your place or with your neighbors or relatives nearby? If I were close to a friend, then I'd try everything to get her to my wedding.

grumbledore

perdonami said:

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

1)  You have to pay for their hair and makeup if you want it done.  They are not required to do this.

2)  Regardless of what your BM said, it would be incredibly rude for you to "fire" her.  If she can't afford the dress, then you must not have asked your BM's their budgets (individually and privately) and chose a dress that is outside of what she is comfortable spending.  You should work with her to fix your mistake.  And personally, if the wedding was near my home, I'd have my BM stay at my house if she couldn't afford a hotel room, rather than not have her in the wedding.  

3)  You need to get your priorities straight.  You asked this woman to be a bridesmaid - that should mean that you love her and can't imagine your wedding without her standing there beside you.  Make it work.

grumbledore

perdonami said:

Well, no one is required to pay for a bridal shower or bachelorette party (nor asked too). Most likely will not have one. Although, if I did have one you could not afford to attend them.

She brought it up already as she stated I should 'fire' her. Can't afford travel expenses and dress (dont forget shoes, nylons, etc). Wasn't sure if she was hinting at something.

Oh and their gifts have been bought (and no I would not return her gift), the make-up/hair would not have been a gift period.

What does the bolded even mean?  You sound like a brat.

You can't demand that they buy shoes either.  Let her wear her own shoes.

Truthfully, it sounds like you (like so many brides before you) have a really warped sense of the purpose of bridesmaids.  They are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make being in my wedding as easy as possible for the people that I love so much that I asked them to stand beside me.

crunchymamaof2

I personally feel you shouldn't ever require a specific style of hair and makeup, but if you do then you must pay for it for them. The only thing wedding party members are required to purchase are their dress (which must be at or below the budget they provided you), and their travel expenses if they have any. My 3 girls chose to wear the same dress but i just told them to wear their hair and makeup however they chose. One doesn't feel comfortable wearing her hair up so I had no right to force that upon her. I said any black or silver shoes (one wore silver the other black). I told them where I was getting my hair and makeup done and the prices. Two chose to get either or done. And all 3!looked stunning on our wedding day and none spent more than $200.

As for pre wedding parties, you don't get to choose if you'll have them. Someone has to offer to host them for you. You can always decline their offer but you can't ask that they throw one and you can't throw them for yourself.

I still stand by my original comment about wedding planning appearing to overwhelm you. Your expectations seem to be a bit skewed (most of us have had those moments!) so maybe you should take a step back and think about everything and see if you're happy with how things are looking so far.

pinkshorts27

grumbledore said:

perdonami said:

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

1)  You have to pay for their hair and makeup if you want it done.  They are not required to do this.

2)  Regardless of what your BM said, it would be incredibly rude for you to "fire" her.  If she can't afford the dress, then you must not have asked your BM's their budgets (individually and privately) and chose a dress that is outside of what she is comfortable spending.  You should work with her to fix your mistake.  And personally, if the wedding was near my home, I'd have my BM stay at my house if she couldn't afford a hotel room, rather than not have her in the wedding.  

3)  You need to get your priorities straight.  You asked this woman to be a bridesmaid - that should mean that you love her and can't imagine your wedding without her standing there beside you.  Make it work.

grumbledore hit the nail on the head, again.

My MOH, one of my dearest friends is just out of college with no job and wouldn't be able to afford to attend. So of course I found room for her and her boyfriend to stay with me. And of course I asked her the budget for the dress and have decided to split the costs with her if she falls in love with something out of budget (only requirements for dresses were navy, long, and non-strapless, oh and no feathers). If she is close enough to be a bridesmaid, I don't understand why you would want to "fire" her. Why wouldn't you want to make it easy for her to be there for you?

Also none of the bridesmaids have jobs other than to show up for the wedding in the agreed upon dress. If she is long distance, I don't know that she would want to help with a shower or a bachelorette party. So I would stop expecting that. 

Also, not all faces/bodies look good in the same up-do. Just let them do their hair/make-up as they want. And if you decide to treat them like props instead of friends, you need to pay for it (hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry) and none of those would be gifts.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto PPs. If you want a specific hairstyle (and 'up-do' is specific, unless you're OK with ballerina buns, which is the only up-do I'm capable of), you have to pay for it.

It would be incredibly rude of you to fire her. If she's worried about costs, then you need to step back and re-evaluate what you're asking of people.

Any WP member's ONLY expense is buying the right attire and showing up on time -- anything else is gravy. You don't get to demand or plan or ask for or hint at other parties. If people want to throw them for you, they will, trust me.

LarraO2530

I'm going based on the 3 weddings I was in all for whom I was related. I understand (now) it is the bride's responsibility to pay for requirements outside of the dress, hence part of the reason I am not requiring my girls to do anything but show up in the right color. The other part is they are all amazing at doing their own hair/make-up and I can trust them to choose a flattering dress that isn't going to look like club-wear. We're all students, so I need to be mindful of their budgets as well as sticking to my own.

With that being said, those 3 weddings I was a maid in all required specific dress, matching shoes, matching hair, and make-up, all at the expense of the maids. I was 17 at the time of the first wedding and only a SR in high school...with a part-time job....my mom's reaction after I found out there were other "must haves" than just the dress was "well you accepted her request to be in the wedding, figure it out..." Being so young, I had nothing to compare it to, and no one to tell me "hey this is rude of the bride" so of course I made it work. The second 2 weddings weren't quite as big of a shock because the person doing all the hair/make-up was a fellow maid who gave us all a tremendous discount *life saver*...After being on here and planning my own wedding while going to nursing school, I completely understand how throwing your maids out there with "I want you to have x,y,z please figure out how to acquire" is bridezilla-ish. It's always beneficial to everyone to discuss budgets privately to determine before-hand if all can swing what is being asked of them.

climbingsingle

LOL at nylons. Is this 1965? 

Look, if you're going to require your bridesmaids to look like little perfect bridesmaid robots, you need to pay for it. If you want them to have up-dos, you need to foot the bill. It sounds like you're treating these women as props and not friends. 

Did you ask her what her budget was before you picked out a dress? Or did you just demand she buy a dress that you had already picked out? 

If it were me, I would want my close friend beside me in my bridal party on my wedding day no matter what. I would figure out a way to help her and make it work. But again, it sounds like your vision is probably more important. 

netskyblue2

I will say updos don't HAVE to be really expensive.  I got my hair done up for my sister's wedding (because I certainly don't have the skills to do it myself) at Cost Cutters for like $25.  It's all relative, of course, but it's not like it needs to cost $60-$100.

pinkcow13

Talk to her. Tell her that you won't fire her because you do want her in your wedding, but that if she feels she can't be in your BP, you understand and she is of course welcome at your wedding.

If you want them to wear their hair and makeup a certain way, you pay for it.

Why can't she afford her dress? Did you ask what her budget was? Is there another dress within her price range that she can wear? Anyone she can stay with during the wedding?

KGold80

I wouldn't imagine asking someone to step down because she didn't fit some mold. Requiring that your girls have an updo and then not being willing to pay for it is preposterous. My MOH wants to have her hair professionally done and I'm going to go ahead and pay for it even though I don't technically have to. She is my best friend on this planet and is going out of her way to stand up with me at my wedding. It's really the least I can do!

Like others have said, it sounds like you need to get your priorities straight. Your WP members are people - hopefully your nearest and dearest - not dolls or props.

abbyj700

Threads like this make me sad. If any of our attendants came to us that they were having financial issues and therefore didn't know if they could be in the wedding - we would figure things out to make sure they could. 

All of my ladies are required to wear black cocktail dresses that make them feel awesome and I requested that they were red shoes. One of my maids just got married and her husband is in PT school. She has a black dress from another wedding and existing pair of red shoes - and it's perfect. My wording to them is everyone should feel comfortable in both the feel of the dress and the cost of it. I don't understand why others don't understand this.

sarawifenow

Ditto all PPs. I have a friend who was a maid in one of her friend's weddings. This girl tried to have all of her bridesmaids pay for their own hair, shoes, and makeup. When anyone expressed concern about this, they got kicked out. Don't be that person, OP.

bananasplit472001

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

I would talk to your friend and tell her that if she can't afford it then she dosen't have to be a bridesmaid.  It is expected that they pay for their own dress that day but nothing else.  So really if she can just afford the dress she could still be in the wedding.  You should not be requiring her to have her hair/make-up done and it is not their responsibility to pay for a bridal shower or show up to a bachelorette party.  She can really just skip everything and pay for the dress and show up to your wedding.

iloveotters2014

Do you have no friends or family members that are good with hair and makeup? A few of my girls expressed that they would like some help with their hair and makeup, but I unfortunately can't afford to pay to have all of their hair and make up done. However, I have a friend who is amazing with hair and makeup who offered to help out the bridesmaids the day of. Do you have anyone who could do that? It's not really fair for you to require them to shell out another 50-60 bucks to match your "vision".

Also, as far as shoes go....I would just pick something simple. No one is going to care if their shoes look identical in your photos. I just told my girls to wear nude shoes...flats, pumps....whatever. Pick your battles! None of that kind of stuff will matter in the end.

PrettyGirlLost

ClimbingBrideNY said:

LOL at nylons. Is this 1965? 

Look, if you're going to require your bridesmaids to look like little perfect bridesmaid robots, you need to pay for it. If you want them to have up-dos, you need to foot the bill. It sounds like you're treating these women as props and not friends. 

Did you ask her what her budget was before you picked out a dress? Or did you just demand she buy a dress that you had already picked out? 

If it were me, I would want my close friend beside me in my bridal party on my wedding day no matter what. I would figure out a way to help her and make it work. But again, it sounds like your vision is probably more important. 

I never go bare legged if the dress/skirt I am wearing is short.  I feel naked and gross.

loves2shop4shoes

Personally, I think asking them to pay for more than the dress is unfair.

I think it's ok to ask for them to wear shoes in a specific color, but if you require a specific shoe, you should also pay for that.  Asking for their hair or makeup to be done a specific way means you should pay for it as well.

If one of your BMs WANTS to get her hair done, and you are not requiring it, she should pay.