Newbie Intro/Venting

khutch2012

So this is my first time posting and I really need input.

My fiance and I got engaged a year ago, this coming Monday, actually, and at first things were normal--all excitement over being engaged. I started buying some magazines and did a whole wedding Pintrest board. We set the date as 12/13/14, something his cousin suggested, and I picked my colors and we put a deposit down on a place. I didn't see anything getting done, he wasn't helping, and it faded from consciousness, except for when I had freak out moments being overwhelmed. I ended up talking to him about doing something VERY small, mostly courthouse, then dinner with family, drinks with friends, about a few months ago, but he would get pissed any time I brought it up because he wanted the whole shebang. After realizing there was no way that would ever make him happy and I didn't even fully know what I wanted (still), I came to the conclusion we would just have to do the full deal. Now too much time has passed, though, and we have to wait until next May, after I graduate college, which I am not a huge fan of.

I told him that if we were doing this, he needs to plan it. He will need to do most/all of it, because I already will have too much on my plate next school year. He said that was fine, but since then, this past month he really hasn't done anything. We settled on a date again, May 16, which will actually be our three year anniversary, but he hasn't contacted places he likes to see if they're available. He just doesn't seem to understand when I tell him that's prime wedding season, and whenever I bring it up, he insists that nothing could be done then, anyway, so we'll wait until he knows if he's working Saturday (I can only bring it up when we're both home in the evening when places are closed). I've already contacted one place in the interim and they're booked. How do I get him to see that I need to see stuff getting done and that we need to get this done as soon as possible? I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and it's all going to fall back on me, anyway--just what I didn't want.

JCbride2015

khutch2012 said:

So this is my first time posting and I really need input.

My fiance and I got engaged a year ago, this coming Monday, actually, and at first things were normal--all excitement over being engaged. I started buying some magazines and did a whole wedding Pintrest board. We set the date as 12/13/14, something his cousin suggested, and I picked my colors and we put a deposit down on a place. I didn't see anything getting done, he wasn't helping, and it faded from consciousness, except for when I had freak out moments being overwhelmed. I ended up talking to him about doing something VERY small, mostly courthouse, then dinner with family, drinks with friends, about a few months ago, but he would get pissed any time I brought it up because he wanted the whole shebang. After realizing there was no way that would ever make him happy and I didn't even fully know what I wanted (still), I came to the conclusion we would just have to do the full deal. Now too much time has passed, though, and we have to wait until next May, after I graduate college, which I am not a huge fan of.

I told him that if we were doing this, he needs to plan it. He will need to do most/all of it, because I already will have too much on my plate next school year. He said that was fine, but since then, this past month he really hasn't done anything. We settled on a date again, May 16, which will actually be our three year anniversary, but he hasn't contacted places he likes to see if they're available. He just doesn't seem to understand when I tell him that's prime wedding season, and whenever I bring it up, he insists that nothing could be done then, anyway, so we'll wait until he knows if he's working Saturday (I can only bring it up when we're both home in the evening when places are closed). I've already contacted one place in the interim and they're booked. How do I get him to see that I need to see stuff getting done and that we need to get this done as soon as possible? I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and it's all going to fall back on me, anyway--just what I didn't want.

I initially wanted a fall '14 wedding and put it off until May '15, so I feel your pain.  I know what it feels like to want to just get married already!  And Fi is also the one who wants a huge guest list.

Have you gone looking with Fi for a book or other guidance that will walk him through what you both need to do?  It is very hard for just one member of a couple to plan a wedding totally alone.  I think it's fair that if Fi wants the big wedding, he takes the reins, but you'll still need to give input.  

He might just not know what to do or where to start.  I would seek out a good book or wedding organizer, show him how to use the reviews on TK, and maybe even introduce him to the local TK board and very helpful Etiquette board.  If you have the money, you might consider hiring a planner or DOC to help him out.

It's just a fact of our world that wedding planning generally falls on the bride.  It isn't necessarily right, but men just haven't grown up socialized to get excited about wedding details.  I'm sure he envisions a huge party but doesn't know how to get from Point A to Point B.  Maybe while you're off of school this summer, you can both take some steps to get him started.

VarunaTT

Neither one of you are compromising here.  

Why can't you both sit down together, make a list of things to do (hell, even the Knot's crazy butt list will help with that) and split it?  Yes you're busy, but you can make room to pick a cake or florist, while he takes care of venue, DJ, etc.  

Both of you have basically told the other to do it, then added micromanaging each other to the list.  Which is balls, not going to work and will make you both angry.  Stop it.

mrsconn23

I'm with V. 

DH and I made a list of the things we had to do together (reception venue, church, food, etc). And then we each took up tasks that we wanted or had to do.  He did transportation, tuxes, gifts for his guys, DJ, etc.  I did dresses, flowers, decoration, gifts for BM's, final cake design, etc. 

And even though we split stuff, we ended up doing a lot of stuff together.  Like I went to help pick out tuxes with him and he had input on flowers.  Neither one of us shouldered all of it.  

netskyblue2

You may not be able to just set a date and find a venue.  You may need to find a venue and ask what dates they have, and then find one of those that works for you.  And no, I don't think it's fair to expect either partner to do more than 50% of the planning/work.  If one wants to, that's fine, but you can't expect it out of your partner.

mrsconn23

netskyblue2 said:

You may not be able to just set a date and find a venue.  You may need to find a venue and ask what dates they have, and then find one of those that works for you.  And no, I don't think it's fair to expect either partner to do more than 50% of the planning/work.  If one wants to, that's fine, but you can't expect it out of your partner.

Yes, you either need to have a few dates in mind or a long list of venues.  We did both.  It still took us a few tries to find a venue that worked with our dates. 

Grabows14

We both planned our wedding, neither of it was lopsided. I pulled a list of 18 venues together and then we went through them. We each picked our top 5, and visited them. Then I picked three I really liked, and he picked the one out of the 3. I systematically did that for each aspect (not as many initially, but I picked a few, and said what do you think and he picked the one). 

I don't want to control all the aspects, but picking vendors is much easier than for me to pick the invitations. So he did most of the picking and I do most of the research. You could do something similar if you want. And actually, by the time we got to our last vendors (music and video), he was researching and picking out people to go with. So I think gradually bringing him into the process will make him feel more comfortable with making large decisions.

LarraO2530

I'm also a full time student and I understand how difficult it is to try to balance school, a job, and planning a wedding. Originally my FI wanted May of 15, but I asked him if he minded waiting until after I graduate and we agreed on May of 16. This gives us a bit more leeway. What I found most helpful in trying to plan everything, because I do understand May is prime wedding season and we are looking at a beach/beach area venue, is checking with places online, emailing the coordinators, and corresponding mostly that way since email can be sent at 3am without being disruptive. I have been going to bridal shows with my FMIL about once a month and have found it very helpful to get the info directly from a bunch of vendors all at once so that we can sit down together at our leisure and pick things we both like. I have also set up tours for us to look at a few venues over my spring break. I understand that at times you may be two ships passing in the night with both of you having busy schedules, so are my FI and me. He needs to be at work by 4am, and is usually not home until around 5pm. By then, I'm either in class or at clinical and don't get home myself til almost 10pm. We try to take time to highlight things in pamphlets we like, and we make lists of websites/ideas for each of us to look at. I've pretty much just subtly made him talk about things and look at ideas with me. I'll work it into a conversation and just make mental notes...it will have to be both of you working on it, even if you take part of the planning and you take the other part.