NWR-Relationship Advice (Update)

raeah219

I need to talk to some married, or at least happily engaged people, and you ladies always give it to me straight. Long story short, my friends family AND therapist believe that my FI has checked out of our relationship emotionally. He moved into our guest room. He refuses to discuss relationship issues outside of our therapy sessions with me (but is fine with casual conversation about the weather or our son.) I asked him the other night to just tell me that he is 100% committed to making this work. Im not asking him to say he accepts my flaws because I admit that we both have things to work on. I just want him to say that he 100 wants to commit to doing the work. He told me he cant say that. His attitude is that he is one foot in and one foot out and that he is going to therapy to see if things can be fixed so he can decide what he does. My therapist says we are not "equally yoked." That I am willing to go through hell and highwater for this but he is not and that is unhealthy for me. I just don't know what to do. I mean he hasn't left yet so he still has some kind of commitment right? He just said yesterday that he loves me, but he obviously doesnt love me enough to commit to working this out. Waiting for him to "make a decision" is killing me. I just cant handle not knowing whether he is going to come home one day and say, "I've made my decision, I'm leaving." 

I've been contemplating moving out while we continue to work on things so that I dont have to deal with the daily pain of him not wanting to talk to me and coming home after midnight with no explanation. I feel like living separately will allow us both to really see if this relationship is something we want. Especially since i already feel alone anyway.  I dont want to give up on my relationship, but I need to take back some of my power because right now he has complete control over my happiness and I feel thats unhealthy.

So...what are your thoughts? Give it to me straight 

Update---- We had a therapy session Friday. He called me twenty minutes b4 the session to let me know the he was stuck with a customer and would be there as soon as he could. I expected he would be about 15-20 minutes late. Well he never showed up. He said he was sorry. I tried not to be upset. I just told him that I had a great solo session. He didn't even ask me what happened in my session or when we could reschedule our session. I went in his room yesterday and told him that I was giving our land lord our thirty day notice and myself and our son would be moving out at the end of the month and he would also have to find a place since our rental is in my name. All he said was, "ok." He didn't say anything more or ask any questions. He wasn't upset at all. He was very pleasant towards me actually and even proceeded to talk about an outfit he got for our son. Its like he's just throwing away our family and our relationship and it doesn't even phase him. It's like he doesn't care at all and it hurts so much.

climbingsingle

I'm really sorry. And I'm also sorry he's treating you like this. You're right that he has all the control. If he can't tell you that he's committed to working on the relationship, then I think you should move on (I know that's easier said than done). Actions speak louder than words. And you both need to be on the same page. You can't have one person 100% committed to fixing the relationship while the other person is all, "Eehhhh, maybe." That's not fair to you at all. I also think it sounds fishy that he's staying out until after midnight. 

If I were in your situation, I would want to be living separately. Do you rent or own? Can he move out? 

ShallowSeas

This sounds eerily similar to my ex-H and I...notice I say "ex".  In my situation, ex-H was not emotionally involved in it at all. It was frustrating and I finally asked him if he even wanted to be married anymore.  He couldn't give a straight answer so I found an apt to rent, packed my stuff, and left. It was the best decision I ever made for myself.

Honestly, I don't see the point in waiting.  If he can't make a decision on whether or not he wants to make it work, that right there should be your answer.

afox007

I definitely think taking some time apart would help a lot. I moved out of my ex's house on a trial basis to see if we wanted to work things out and immediately realized I had stayed for all the wrong reasons.

Also I'm worried either your FI, you, or both of you may be sticking this out for your son. Having watche my parents do that for 15 years I can say it does more harm than good.

ShallowSeas

afox007 said:

I definitely think taking some time apart would help a lot. I moved out of my ex's house on a trial basis to see if we wanted to work things out and immediately realized I had stayed for all the wrong reasons. Also I'm worried either your FI, you, or both of you may be sticking this out for your son. Having watche my parents do that for 15 years I can say it does more harm than good.

THIS to the bolded. Don't stay together just for the kid. My parents did and I grew up with them yelling and fighting with each other constantly. Although it sucked when they got divorced, it was also kind of a relief because we had a peaceful house for once and I didn't have to watch a dysfunctional relationship every day of my life.

raeah219

What you guys are saying about my son is something I really agree with. I dont want to set a bad example for him about relationships. Plus, my FI has made it very clear that he's not "just going to stay with me for our son" 

[Deleted User]

I think you need to stop asking people for advice. It sounds to me (NOT a therapist of any sort) that you know what you know is best for you and your son deep down...but you're hoping someone will say keep working at it. You cannot control how much he gives to the relationship- and I think you know in your heart what you want from him and it's not what he's willing to give. 

All of your posts have made me think you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders and all my prayers and best wishes are with you but I think you really need to make the decision yourself. There's nothing wrong with asking for advice of course! But your therapist, friends, family, and now strangers on this forum cannot make that decision for you. GL!!

KeptInStitches

Throw his ass out. If he's not fully dedicated to making your relationship work, I don't see a reason to wait for him.

QueerFemme

I think if you move out, you will be doing you both a favor.  It sounds like he wants out of this relationship, but doesn't have the guts to pull the trigger. 

raeah219

@shrekspeare Im taking our son with me when I go 

QueerFemme

shrekspeare said:

Depending on how long you've been together, I would consult a lawyer if you 'leave'. Your assets could potentially be compromised if you're considered married under common law. Unless you're lawyer specifically says to leave your house/apartment, I wouldn't. I would make him leave.

This is assuming you have any assets. If you live in a rental house, and you have limited wealth and asset value, I wouldn't worry much about this.

KatWAG

I would stop worrying about his so much and figure out what you want. Do you really want to be with someone who has "one foot out the door?" Dont you think you deserve better than that?

mbross3

shrekspeare said:

Depending on how long you've been together, I would consult a lawyer if you 'leave'. Your assets could potentially be compromised if you're considered married under common law. Unless you're lawyer specifically says to leave your house/apartment, I wouldn't. I would make him leave.

I wouldn't worry about common law marriage. Only a handful of states recognize it, and one of the conditions (in ALL of the states) is that the couple has the intention to present as a married couple and actively identifies themselves as a married couple. This does not sound like the case here.

Courts are VERY hesitant to recognize any sort of common law marriage now.

OP--you need to leave him. Honestly it sounds like he doesn't want this relationship, but doesn't have the courage to end it himself. Why would you wait around for a man who has already told you that he is not going to try to make it work? He is not going to commit himself to making your relationship work, and you can't change him. You deserve someone who will treat you well and you have the responsibility of showing your son how to treat an SO well in a future relationship, and what a healthy relationship looks like.

wandajune6

He has made his decision. He's just too chickenshit to tell you- or maybe to even admit it to himself.

He knows how you feel, knows what you want, and knows that not making a decision is hurting you. He might not be willing to announce it but his actions are evidence.

He'll likely string this out for a while because it's easier to do that then to act like an adult and say what needs to be said. I'd kick him out.

theartistformerlyknownas

severmilli12 said:

afox007 said:

I definitely think taking some time apart would help a lot. I moved out of my ex's house on a trial basis to see if we wanted to work things out and immediately realized I had stayed for all the wrong reasons. Also I'm worried either your FI, you, or both of you may be sticking this out for your son. Having watche my parents do that for 15 years I can say it does more harm than good.

THIS to the bolded. Don't stay together just for the kid. My parents did and I grew up with them yelling and fighting with each other constantly. Although it sucked when they got divorced, it was also kind of a relief because we had a peaceful house for once and I didn't have to watch a dysfunctional relationship every day of my life.

I third this. My mom stayed for us... but my dad didn't know it. She was never honest with him about the things that bothered her, just kept it all inside. She blindsided us by leaving him once we were (mostly) grown and out of the house, but when we learned she had been SO dishonest for SO long, it became really hard to trust my own instincts about relationships. I thought I had a great example to learn from because by all accounts, they had a great marriage. I ended up questioning everything for a long time after that and sabotaged a lot of relationships by overcompensating to avoid being like her (picking fights, etc.).

I think you need to ask him to leave. It will be easier for your son to keep his own room/home/routine, at least for now.

((HUGS))

HaileyDancingbear

If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing this to you.  He's putting you through a lot or harmful emotions right now.  It's clear you are very hurt and very stressed, the root of this being the fact that while you are willing to do anything to fix things, he isn't even decided on wether or not he will put the effort in.  He is making you wait in this weird sort of purgatory, knowing how much it is hurting you.

Someone who loves you doesn't intentionally hurt you like that.  They don't just watch you go through that, and given the opportunity to help (In this case growing some fucking balls and either working on fixing things or leaving- seriously, he's making you wait around for him and you don't even know if he wants to be with you??  I'm pissed for you.) just make you wait.  It's clear that he doesn't care enough about your emotional well-being to even make the commitment to TRYING to fix things.  And it doesn't bother him that you are so hurt and so stressed by this?  That's not love.  

Love is a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  But someone who loves you does not intentionally hurt you (And I consider this intentionally hurting.  He knows exactly what is hurting you, and is doing it anyways).  

He can't even decide if he's willing to try to be with you, meanwhile you're being a damn saint trying so hard to make it work with him and wait for him, fuck that.  He doesn't deserve you.  You deserve someone who is as willing to be with you as you are willing to be with them.  Someone who fucking cares when you're hurting.  Even if that just means taking some time to focus on yourself.  Being alone sounds scary,  but being with someone who is so apathetic, who you can't even be certain wants to be with you, for the rest of your life, that's terrifying.  

Tell him you're done waiting.  He can either commit to fixing things with you, or you can leave.  Don't let this torture you anymore.  

doeydo

It takes two people to make a relationship work.  It sounds like he isn`t willing to put in any effort.  The fact that your therapist says he is emotionally checked out and that the relationship is not healthy says a lot, IMO.

larrygaga

I'm going to agree with PP's and also, don't stay together for the kid. My parents did that and I got to grow up watching them hate each other. Divorce has to be easier than that. At least you see your parents eventually happy when they split. 

raeah219

The thing that confuses me to no end is that he is sending me mixed messages. Last night he sent me a text telling me that he did our homework that our therapist gave us which was to find out our love language. I did mine days ago and told him about it but he never even replied to my message. Last night he did the homework, so that means he's putting in some effort right? 

[Deleted User]

No that means he's still giving just enough to keep you from leaving. He may genuinely be conflicted but you deserve more than that- your son deserves more than that too. 

vh2014

Let me get this straight

1) He moved into the guest room

2) He comes home after midnight with no explanation on a regular basis

3) He won't commit 100%

4) When he thinks you are done he puts in just enough effort to keep you going.

Get out of this relationship now. 

I have an ex.  It sucked. We also have a son. Glad he now has my FI and other strong role models to see what a relationship should look like and both sides giving 200%.  Also realized after we split just how controlling and unhealthy the relationship with the ex was. 

Worst case: those on the thread (who really don't know the whole story do we?) are wrong, you walk out, and he wants you back so bad it makes it all work. But I wouldn't count on it.  Read: He's just not that into you. It's a little dramatic but it will give you a feeling of control and confidence. Love yourself first. 

HisGirlFriday13

raeah219 said:

I need to talk to some married, or at least happily engaged people, and you ladies always give it to me straight. Long story short, my friends family AND therapist believe that my FI has checked out of our relationship emotionally. He moved into our guest room. He refuses to discuss relationship issues outside of our therapy sessions with me (but is fine with casual conversation about the weather or our son.) I asked him the other night to just tell me that he is 100% committed to making this work. Im not asking him to say he accepts my flaws because I admit that we both have things to work on. I just want him to say that he 100 wants to commit to doing the work. He told me he cant say that. His attitude is that he is one foot in and one foot out and that he is going to therapy to see if things can be fixed so he can decide what he does. My therapist says we are not "equally yoked." That I am willing to go through hell and highwater for this but he is not and that is unhealthy for me. I just don't know what to do. I mean he hasn't left yet so he still has some kind of commitment right? He just said yesterday that he loves me, but he obviously doesnt love me enough to commit to working this out. Waiting for him to "make a decision" is killing me. I just cant handle not knowing whether he is going to come home one day and say, "I've made my decision, I'm leaving." 

I've been contemplating moving out while we continue to work on things so that I dont have to deal with the daily pain of him not wanting to talk to me and coming home after midnight with no explanation. I feel like living separately will allow us both to really see if this relationship is something we want. Especially since i already feel alone anyway.  I dont want to give up on my relationship, but I need to take back some of my power because right now he has complete control over my happiness and I feel thats unhealthy.

So...what are your thoughts? Give it to me straight 

raeah219 said:

The thing that confuses me to no end is that he is sending me mixed messages. Last night he sent me a text telling me that he did our homework that our therapist gave us which was to find out our love language. I did mine days ago and told him about it but he never even replied to my message. Last night he did the homework, so that means he's putting in some effort right? 

First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this, I really am. You deserve so much more.

Having said that, you need to make him leave. If your therapist -- a neutral, third-party, un-biased observer -- is telling you he's checked out of the relationship, emotionally, then he has, and he needs to deal with the consequences of those actions. 

He told you he can't say that he's 100 percent committed. That means he's not committed enough for you to pursue this relationship any further. 

Not having left yet is no commitment other than a commitment to the status quo and being afraid of the unknown. Right now, he's having his cake (freedom to come and go as he pleases, no restraints on his activities, coming home after midnight with no explanation) and eating it, too, (you're still in his life, you're still wearing your engagement ring, you're still committed to working on things with him). That's not fair to you, and it's a douche-canoe move on his part. 

He's made his decision, he's just not willing to own it. His decision is that things are over, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Him doing the homework is nothing more than his attempt to placate you while he continues to have his cake and eat it, too.

I would tell him you need him to leave, give him a date by which to do so, and pursue therapy on your own.

I am so, so, so sorry for you.

raeah219

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok. 

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Just remember - marriage and relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. You BOTH have to give your all, all of the time, in order for them to work. Even if he was putting in 99% of the effort but still had that doubt as to whether he wanted to even TRY, you deserve better. You sound like a wonderful person and you deserve someone who will want to do everything they possibly can to keep you, every single day, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and constantly reaffirm that choice. Maybe someday he'll realize that person is him. Maybe you'll find the person who does feel that way and realize what you've been missing out on, without having to try to convince him. There were times I thought I was so sure about past relationships, but when I met FI it hit me like a ton of bricks how easy it was to be together and want to give each other our best. That was what I had been missing - it was easy.

In the meantime, we're all here for you. I really hope it all works out for the best for you and your son, whatever that "best" may be.

HisGirlFriday13

raeah219 said:

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok. 

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.  

I know you were. I could tell from your posts. And it's totally OK to have wanted that. We have ALL -- every single one of us -- stuck it out in a relationship because we held onto false hope that our SO would want to change. (Some of us, like me, have done it in more than one relationship.)

It's also OK to grieve this. You need to grieve this. You need to give yourself permission to be upset, and to maybe take some steps backwards, and to not be ready for this.

There are five stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You're going to go through all of them, maybe more than once, before you get out on the other side.

We're here for you if you need us, and when you need us.

FiancB

I'm so sorry. I've been there as far as being completely taken for granted and him clearly not wanting to be with me but not wanting to dump me either. 

I know it's really scary but when it's all over you'll look back and wonder why the hell you didn't do it sooner. 

Hugs. 

KatWAG

raeah219 said:

The thing that confuses me to no end is that he is sending me mixed messages. Last night he sent me a text telling me that he did our homework that our therapist gave us which was to find out our love language. I did mine days ago and told him about it but he never even replied to my message. Last night he did the homework, so that means he's putting in some effort right? 

No that means is giving you just barely enough to keep stringing you along.

KeptInStitches

@raeah219, I wish I could take you out for booze, coffee, and junk food. It sucks so bad, but you're doing the right thing for you.

climbingsingle

HisGirlFriday13 said:

raeah219 said:

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok. 

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.  

I know you were. I could tell from your posts. And it's totally OK to have wanted that. We have ALL -- every single one of us -- stuck it out in a relationship because we held onto false hope that our SO would want to change. (Some of us, like me, have done it in more than one relationship.)

It's also OK to grieve this. You need to grieve this. You need to give yourself permission to be upset, and to maybe take some steps backwards, and to not be ready for this.

There are five stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You're going to go through all of them, maybe more than once, before you get out on the other side.

We're here for you if you need us, and when you need us.

HGF is wise. I agree with all of this. *hugs*

mbross3

raeah219 said:

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok. 

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.  

I am so sorry. I honestly wish that we could have sincerely told you this. But there is no way we could have told you what you wanted to hear AND meant it. 

To the bolded- just remember that neither you nor your son deserve to settle! Both of you deserve someone who is committed to you the relationship and to making you happy. 

Best of luck!! I know this is going to be one of the hardest things you'll have to do in your life, but you can get through this and you can always come back here for support!

ShallowSeas

raeah219 said:

I was really hoping somebody in the world would say, "There is hope. Stick it out.He is making an effort, its just not a huge effort. Appreciate the things that he IS doing." Those are things I'm telling myself. Everybody else in my life is agreeing with all of the things you ladies said. Its time for me to wake up and realize that I deserve better. Hopefully once I'm gone he will step up and realize that I deserve better and he will become better, but if not, I will be ok. 

Thanks ladies for all of your words, I need all the support and I can gather at this point because this is the hardest thing I've EVER done.  

It is an extremely hard thing to do.  When I did, it was the hardest thing ever. I felt like I failed at a relationship, even though I know I did everything I possibly could to salvage what was left.  It takes more than just one person in the relationship to help make it work. I had no idea what to do with myself and I couldn't picture my life without ex-H in it. Women are strong and we get through things that seem impossible to go through and come out better women because of it. Things find a way to work out eventually.