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Etiquette

Budget Culture Clash

My fiance and I have been planning our wedding for about 9 months now. We decided on something offbeat, fun, and relatively modest/manageable (we were aiming for about 130-150 guests, which I consider " mid-sized"). We were most excited to celebrate our families coming together, which has been several years in the making and extremely difficult. But we have hit a serious roadblock with new information that is coming forward from our families and I would love some input on how to handle it appropriately.

Originally we planned to pay for the wedding ourselves. Then my fiance learned that, because some of his relatives are glatt kosher, the whole reception must be kosher as well. This costs more money because we cannot use the inclusive wedding packages with in-house caterers for the venues where we live, therefore we have to not only hire an outside caterer but also pay for the kitchen to be koshered, rabbinical supervision, etc. My fiance told his parents that this wasn't in our budget, and they offered to pitch in 10k for the catering. After some tastings with the FIL we found a great caterer that could work with our venue, makes food my not-kosher family would enjoy, gave us a reasonable estimate, and the everyone seemed pleased.

However when we recently received the 98-person guest list from my FIL all those plans collapsed. I told them the size of the list was surprising because we agreed on a smaller wedding, and they explained that they thought a "small wedding" suggested 250-300 guests, because most of the big Jewish weddings in their family included 500+ invites. This is obviously not what we budgeted for at all, and neither family nor we can foot that bill. Now please don't get me wrong, the 10k the FIL offered is a lovely offer, but it will not cover the catering for their guest list alone. I tried to explain that there is literally no money to pay for this, and the response was essentially "we can't cut any more people, you'll figure it out". It doesn't feel like anyone cares much that this huge expensive formal wedding is not what we want and will put us horribly in debt. There has also been a few references to the "wedding gift" from his grandparents a.k.a. inheritance that may be lost if the wedding (and my conversion) isn't up to his family's standards...which, needless to say, makes me unbelievably uncomfortable. There is a big culture gap between our families that I am failing to bridge, and with these high expectations and heavy subtext I don't know what the proper etiquette is to move forward with our planning.

I am basically at the end of my rope after having everything we have chosen for our wedding--the day, season, state, venue, style, food, ceremony, and now size and budget--vetoed after all our planning. I feel it's really unfair to expect us to save up tens of thousands of dollars that we probably wouldn't want to spend on 5 hours of our lives even if we were rich. I'm genuinely afraid this is going to end with us starting our marriage in crippling debt and my fiance estranged from his family. And as difficult as they may be, we love them and want them in our lives.

At this point our options appear to be 1) finding a synagogue or other Jewish venue near his family where we can try to stretch our budget to accommodate more guests, possibly alienating my Christian family and their tiny guest list; 2) having a small wedding and risking my fiance losing his inheritance and more importantly his family's tenuous affection/approval; 3) cutting our friends and my family from the guest list and have some kind of backyard BBQ with them after the wedding; 4) planning some kind of destination wedding for which my FIL may not feel obligated to invite so many friends; 5) further postponing the wedding.

Does any one have any thoughts or recommendations about this? I never thought planning our wedding would be such a miserable experience and I am about 5 seconds away from eloping at this point, so I would be grateful for any thoughts or advice! Thanks girls.
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Re: Budget Culture Clash

  • I agree with grumbledore. I particularly caught onto the fact that they are apparently holding an inheritance over your head. Please try to forget the inheritance while planning your wedding - do not make choices to please them to get that money because they may decide anyway not to give it you. And then how would you feel? Really angry. Stick to you and your FIs wishes and do not accept any money with strings attached.

    Good for you though for compromising originally to find catering acceptable for his family! Cut the guest list. That is ridiculous crap number.

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    grumbledorelarrygagaPrettyGirlLost
  • And good luck, I feel for you. 
  • phiraphira
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    I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.

    Sit down with your fiance immediately and talk about the wedding YOU two want. Decide together if you're going to accept his parents' money or not.

    If you do accept it, then you obviously can't afford their guest list AND a typical evening reception. So I'd go with previous posters' suggestions and maybe do cake and punch reception.

    How kosher are we talking here, by the way? Obviously, some people are more all out about keeping kosher than other people, but couldn't people have a vegetarian option? Or is it more like ... they won't attend if any of the food served isn't kosher?
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  • phira said:
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.

    Sit down with your fiance immediately and talk about the wedding YOU two want. Decide together if you're going to accept his parents' money or not.

    If you do accept it, then you obviously can't afford their guest list AND a typical evening reception. So I'd go with previous posters' suggestions and maybe do cake and punch reception.

    How kosher are we talking here, by the way? Obviously, some people are more all out about keeping kosher than other people, but couldn't people have a vegetarian option? Or is it more like ... they won't attend if any of the food served isn't kosher?
    "Then my fiance learned that, because some of his relatives are glatt kosher, the whole reception must be kosher as well."

    Pretty much they won't go to the reception at all unless it's all kosher.

    To the OP, sorry you are going through this.  Your FI needs to tell his family that you simply do not have the money to do what they want.  Plan the wedding that you two want.  They can threaten not to come, but in the end they will probably cave rather than miss their son's wedding.  Even if they don't come, that's on them for the rest of their lives.  You are both adults and can't live your lives constantly trying to please ILs, or you will be miserable.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • emmyg65emmyg65
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    It sounds like it's more than just a money thing. Even if you had the money, you don't want a 300+ person wedding.

    Of your choices, I like 2 best. As others said, forget about the inheritance. This is the first major conflict you're having with your in-laws and I seriously doubt it will be your last. You don't need their approval either.
    NYCBruinlc07PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948
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    edited April 24
    I'm sorry your FILs are doing this.

    I agree with PPs:  Your FI needs to tell them that it is not possible for you to serve a complete glatt kosher meal to their entire guest list.  Don't even bring the money into it.  Your FI should let them know how many people it is feasible for you to provide a glatt kosher reception for within your budget (including your side), and tell them that they can either cut their guest list back to that number or you and your FI will do so.  But your FI has to have your financial back and not let them walk all over him.  They can throw fits and threaten to boycott your wedding, but they can only control your wedding if you and he let them.
    lebeersrsbloom
  • delujm0delujm0
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    "Then my fiance learned that, because some of his relatives are glatt kosher, the whole reception must be kosher as well."
    Pretty much they won't go to the reception at all unless it's all kosher.
    ___________________________________________________________________
     
    So maybe you can just invite everyone his parents want to but not do a kosher reception...that should cut down on the acceptances.  problem solved!
     
    JK...but seriously if your FILs want to invite almost a hundred people who weren't on your original guest list, they're going to have to pony up more than $10k to get a fully kosher reception.  Are you kidding me?  That's a ton of people!  I balked at my FILs 80-person list, and that included 50 people that we were already planning to invite and had already included in our numbers, and i was mad about the additional 30!  Have FI actually show them how much the per person costs are and explain to them, rationally, that you cannot afford to host such a large wedding on your own, regardless of what "inheritances" might be intended for your use in the future.
    lebeersPrettyGirlLostrsbloom
  • kgd7357kgd7357
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    I have some strict kosher relatives. They often can't come to Saturday weddings and can't eat the food. Sometimes, they will show up later in the evening for dancing after sundown and the non-kosher meal. The vodka is still kosher! They certainly do not begrudge any of us for having non-kosher weddings or Saturday afternoon ceremonies. I would say that you should just have your non-kosher reception, and let the relatives deal with it as they need to. If they can't come, it's a shame, but they can decide that.
    bubblegum1309KittyKaty20rsbloom
  • a13049a13049
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    I have no idea what the ettiquette is on this flat kosher, but here is my opinion. I will offer a meal that meets you dietary needs all day, but when it starts interfering with me and the rest of my guests I draw the line. If someone is a veggies rain because they believe strongly against harming animal. Fine, I can accomodate that, but I will still be having my giangantic meatballs because they are my fav and if will be having a giant steak.

    I guess you have to decide if these guests are VIPs and if so them you you guys to to rethink your other priorities to accomodate. Don't let others bully you into doing things their way
    PrettyGirlLost
  • As an aside, in reference to what @2leadsingers said, I dated a Coptic Orthodox Eqyptian guy in college - I was BANANAS for this guy.  I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and it really looked for awhile like we might end up going down the marriage path.  But then the sunshine and rainbows wore off and I got to know more about his family and what they expected of him, which was that he would marry a Coptic Orthodox Egyptian woman.  Turned out it didn't matter how many bible studies I went to at his church, they wouldn't even meet me.  That was the beginning of the end of that relationship, because it was more important to him to please them than to be with me (his choice, which is fine).

    OP, I'm not saying this is your situation at all, just that cultural differences really can be a problem, especially when it comes to the in-laws or potential in-laws.

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  • lebeerslebeers
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    phira said:

    How kosher are we talking here, by the way? Obviously, some people are more all out about keeping kosher than other people, but couldn't people have a vegetarian option? Or is it more like ... they won't attend if any of the food served isn't kosher?
    For the more Orthodox members of his extended family, i.e. grandma and grandpa, very kosher. A non-kosher caterer's vegetarian option wouldn't cut it because the kitchen and food needs to be prepared in a very particular (and evidently very expensive) way. If the vegetarian food was cooked on a surface that has had meat and dairy on it in the past it's not okay, among other reasons. We are even encountering issues with the booze that venues want to serve--Captain Morgan's apparently has spices that are not considered kosher by some people, which was practically a deal-breaker for the groomsmen! Most of the cordials have to be cleared out.
    And yes, they would not be able to attend if all the food was not prepared in a strict kosher fashion. They don't want to have separate meals brought in. Not that I blame them, because they have gone to events in the past where they have been segregated to a different area and given cold saran-wrapped meals in fabulous airline food fashion. Talk about bad etiquette.
    This really sucks, I'm sorry you are in this position.  Your FI has to be the one to stand up to his parents.  $10K isn't a lot when you need to feet over 200 people, especially when the food needs to meet some very specific and arduous requirements.

    He has to tell them that you just can't do this the way they want him to.

    If they insist on the huge guest list, they either have to pay for it, or they have to accept that the reception might be a simple cake&punch affair rather than a big mealtime reception.

    If it were me in this situation, I'd be declining the $10K and planning the wedding I could afford for the number of people I wanted to host and tell them to just deal with it.
    He's always had a bit of an issue sticking up to his mom. He has told her that we just don't have the resources for this wedding--you're right that 10k does not go very far, particularly in our very high cost of living area. But he hasn't really gotten through and I feel uncomfortable (and unproductive) pushing the issue personally.
    I have brought up the possibilities of less food--cake and punch, a modest dairy brunch, a dessert table--and his family didn't love the idea. They feel it is poor etiquette not to offer your guests a full meal. But all of us need to find ways to compromise for this to work and maybe that is a better way to do so. Our wedding won't be as grand as his cousins' wedding and that has to be okay with everyone.
    I'm afraid that there is this underlying notion of spending a lot on the wedding to "win" the inheritance and then pay off our debt with that money. It has been suggested that that was what the other family members did. We do not feel good about that at all if that is the assumption.
    In any case, it's hard for me to plan the wedding we want and tell people to deal with it because these relationships are delicate. To be honest I am still not certain they are even okay with us getting married. At this point he says "screw this and screw the money, all I care about is marrying you and celebrating with the people that love and accept us," but having a wedding that his family wouldn't show up for would probably not be a happy wedding day for him.
    My family is very patient and understanding, but the fact they have felt the need to shave their list down to 9 guests to compensate may result in my side harboring at lot of resentment at the end of the day also.
  • Wow, not an easy thing to do to make two different cultures happy and within a budget.I think the only thing you can do is talk to your caterer and find out, based on this budget, the need for it to be kosher and this many people, what can you offer me?

    Then once you have that information you can go over it with FIL and say based on the number of people that will be invited & the budget we have to work with, this is what we can afford food wise. If this isn't acceptable, then we'll either have to cut the guest list or if you have any suggestions on places we can go to get things we need that will save money, I'm all ears & would appreciate the help. Maybe they know a DJ, florist, photographer or invite person who can give you a deal & free up some money for that portion of the budget.

    If they don't have any options then to keep the piece among the families, unfortunately you're only option may be to tell them then you'll have to postpone your wedding. I hope it doesn't come down to that.

    SP29
  • emmyg65emmyg65
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    You and your FI really need to sit down and decide what the two of you want, and then stick to it. I agree with the suggestion of a therapist. As I said before, I highly doubt this will be the last time you encounter conflict with his family, and the two of you need to learn to communicate well together and act as a team, and he needs to learn to set boundaries with his family (that's his job, not yours).
    lebeersPrettyGirlLost
  • lebeerslebeers
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    I agree with PPs. Your FI needs to tell his parents that they may have EITHER a glatt kosher meal OR their 98-person guest list, but they may not have both. 

    Also, if his parents said, 'We can't cut anymore, you'll figure it out,' then that, to me, is licence to cut people from their list. You've never met so-and-so? Gone. Who's this person? Gone. 

    But fundamentally, it sounds like you have a much, much deeper problem. You mention in your OP 'my conversion' and that it has to be up to the standards of your FI's family. Are you converting because YOU want to, or because you feel like you HAVE to? If it's the latter, don't do it. If your FI's grandparents cut him out of their wills, then so be it.

    I strongly suggest that you and your FI find a therapist and work through some of this, because you're going to be bridging this cultural divide for the rest of your lives -- your Christian family is going to expect you to be present at Christmas and Easter, and his Jewish family may not be OK with that, for example.

    An inter-faith marriage certainly CAN work, but it's going to be a lot of delicate balancing, and the wedding is just the beginning.
    @HisGirlFriday13 - regarding this personal sidebar:
    I completely agree. It is not easy. We have known one another for about 15 years, lived together for 6, and he didn't tell his extended family I existed until last year. (His grandpa actually teased him about being gay because he had never brought a girl around!) He has gone through phases of not speaking to any of his family because of these issues in the past. He parents have been sort of hot and cold with me in recent years. I know that if he had to "choose" he would support me, and he proposed before I decided to convert, but I never ever want him to feel he has to choose.
    We are speaking a lot both individually and as a couple to our rabbi. He is spectacular and I love him to pieces. My personal conversion experience has been extremely positive, and only when these things happen with the family do I question it. I almost feel like I'm converting in spite of these family issues rather than because of them, if that makes any sense. I did not grow up with religion and I love what it has brought into my life, as I love belonging to a tight-knit community of great people. Still, it is often difficult to separate the decision to convert for my own happiness/future family and the reality that he would feel even more like the black sheep if I did not make that decision. It's hard for people to tell you, "you have to do this to make us happy, but also you have to do it entirely for yourself". Huh?
    Holidays have been complicated and we are still figuring it out. We had to sneak out of Passover this year to have dinner with my family this week, but my mom replaced our typical Easter ham with a Kosher for Passover steak because she's basically the most thoughtful human being ever.
    Our rabbi told us that if we don't stick up for ourselves, establish some ground rules, and work out these power struggles now, it's just going to get harder as we develop our marriage and raise our children. Your statement reminded me of that. I know this marriage will work, but making it work will take a lot of hard work.
    kasmith1
  • kgd7357 said:
    I have some strict kosher relatives. They often can't come to Saturday weddings and can't eat the food. Sometimes, they will show up later in the evening for dancing after sundown and the non-kosher meal. The vodka is still kosher! They certainly do not begrudge any of us for having non-kosher weddings or Saturday afternoon ceremonies. I would say that you should just have your non-kosher reception, and let the relatives deal with it as they need to. If they can't come, it's a shame, but they can decide that.
    This!
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  • phiraphira
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    The reason I needed clarification is that I know people who pretty strictly keep kosher, but they typically just eat vegetarian options when they can't get legit kosher food. So, just curious!

    Honestly, I'd just say, "WELP it's not kosher, so see ya later" to his relatives who won't attend unless everything's kosher.
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  • lebeerslebeers
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    phira said:
    The reason I needed clarification is that I know people who pretty strictly keep kosher, but they typically just eat vegetarian options when they can't get legit kosher food. So, just curious!

    Honestly, I'd just say, "WELP it's not kosher, so see ya later" to his relatives who won't attend unless everything's kosher.
    I gotcha. There's a lot of different ways people observe kashrut just like there's a lot of different kinds of Jews, and some things are definitely up for interpretation. His parents that way; we can go out to eat at a restaurant and they'll order vegetarian or fish even though it's not prepared to kosher specifications. His grandparents, and presumably some friends of his parents and grandparents, have stricter rules and don't eat at any restaurants that are not kosher (easier to find in Long Island and Boca where they live than in vast majority of the US). I believe his parents and their siblings follow stricter rules when they're with their parents also.
  • phiraphira
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    lebeers said:
    phira said:
    The reason I needed clarification is that I know people who pretty strictly keep kosher, but they typically just eat vegetarian options when they can't get legit kosher food. So, just curious!

    Honestly, I'd just say, "WELP it's not kosher, so see ya later" to his relatives who won't attend unless everything's kosher.
    I gotcha. There's a lot of different ways people observe kashrut just like there's a lot of different kinds of Jews, and some things are definitely up for interpretation. His parents that way; we can go out to eat at a restaurant and they'll order vegetarian or fish even though it's not prepared to kosher specifications. His grandparents, and presumably some friends of his parents and grandparents, have stricter rules and don't eat at any restaurants that are not kosher (easier to find in Long Island and Boca where they live than in vast majority of the US). I believe his parents and their siblings follow stricter rules when they're with their parents also.
    Gotcha. And yeah, I'd imagine it's a lot easier to get glatt kosher in Long Island and Boca than a lot of the rest of the US!

    I think that my advice would be to make your decision as if there were no drama. Like, pretend for a moment that his parents were not offering to pay or insisting you invite anyone in particular, or holding the inheritance over your head.

    Would you try to do glatt kosher and cut the guest list? Or have a less formal reception? Would you abandon the glatt kosher attempt altogether?

    I think it's easy to feel frustrated and angry and say, "Well, screw you then!" when people act like his family is acting. Then again, I don't think you should accept their money because it's just way way way too impractical.
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  • @jellybean52513 - FI actually threatened to cancel it all and elope because of the drama religion can cause, so I kind of agree with you. There was never a big blowout fight or anything with our parents, mainly just random comments and the stereotypical "Jewish guilt", but we eventually had to sit down with his parents and explain that we did not want an Orthodox wedding, but yes, we agreed to do a bit more a traditional one that we originally were thinking about, but that was our choice because it's very important that our family is there. They eventually realized that they needed to step back a bit - and once I put them in charge of the food (since I didn't grow up Kosher) they seem to be happy to be "included" in the active planning. 

    But back to the OP, just stay true to what you and your FI want/envision for your wedding. I do agree with a PP that said since the FILs gave you the list of 98 guests and "do what you will with it" - go to town on it! Pare it down: take off people that you and/or FI have never met, or wouldn't recognize if you bumped into them passing them on the street. Are you inviting children? We decided to only allow nieces/nephews and children of our first cousins. All other children are not invited and that took maybe 40 more names off our list. If worse comes to worse, tell both sets of parents, "we can afford to host X amount of people. to keep it fair, you both get Y number of guests. you can choose who you want, but no more than that."

     In terms of having all the food Glatt certified...ask them if Kosher style might work? We're offering steak, salmon, and a veggie entree, so the Kosher people who aren't Glatt will order either the salmon or veggie, and none of the appetizers will have pork or shellfish. I consider it practically criminal how much Kosher caterers upcharge...really, it's the Vaad that charge the caterers, but regardless, an entree that might be $75 not Kosher suddenly becomes $130? Ridiculous...
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  • I have a lot of respect for the Jewish religion, history, and traditions-heck, if I didn't believe Jesus Christ is the Savior, I'd BE Jewish!

    This has put my Catholic wedding to a Baptized Christian into perspective.

    It's also made me realize just how Helpful Jesus' "water into wine" miracle at the wedding in Cana truly was... 

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  • lebeerslebeers
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    edited April 25
    casey8784 said:
    @jellybean52513 - FI actually threatened to cancel it all and elope because of the drama religion can cause, so I kind of agree with you. There was never a big blowout fight or anything with our parents, mainly just random comments and the stereotypical "Jewish guilt", but we eventually had to sit down with his parents and explain that we did not want an Orthodox wedding, but yes, we agreed to do a bit more a traditional one that we originally were thinking about, but that was our choice because it's very important that our family is there. They eventually realized that they needed to step back a bit - and once I put them in charge of the food (since I didn't grow up Kosher) they seem to be happy to be "included" in the active planning. 

    But back to the OP, just stay true to what you and your FI want/envision for your wedding. I do agree with a PP that said since the FILs gave you the list of 98 guests and "do what you will with it" - go to town on it! Pare it down: take off people that you and/or FI have never met, or wouldn't recognize if you bumped into them passing them on the street. Are you inviting children? We decided to only allow nieces/nephews and children of our first cousins. All other children are not invited and that took maybe 40 more names off our list. If worse comes to worse, tell both sets of parents, "we can afford to host X amount of people. to keep it fair, you both get Y number of guests. you can choose who you want, but no more than that."

     In terms of having all the food Glatt certified...ask them if Kosher style might work? We're offering steak, salmon, and a veggie entree, so the Kosher people who aren't Glatt will order either the salmon or veggie, and none of the appetizers will have pork or shellfish. I consider it practically criminal how much Kosher caterers upcharge...really, it's the Vaad that charge the caterers, but regardless, an entree that might be $75 not Kosher suddenly becomes $130? Ridiculous...
    Casey--how awesome that you have that surprise fund for your kids! And thanks for your input.
    We've never had a true blowout per se, just dismissive, passive-aggressive banter. I wish that "Kosher style" would work. This is an issue I've learned is not worth picking a fight over, even if it seems insane to pay so much more for each and every guest's meal (even thought I have zero friends or family that would need or appreciate a kosher meal). It's a very sensitive subject and I think for them it borders on religious discrimination. I know that a lot of PPs have suggested having a non-kosher wedding, but I think it would be deeply offensive to his family and would not only hurt them but also my fiance personally. He has been to many events that don't offer any options for his [former] dietary restrictions. I recall a time when we were around 16 and had a beach picnic on the 4th of July. I brought ham and cheese sandwiches, not thinking about it, and felt terribly insensitive.
    As for paring down the guest list, I could identify literally zero of their guests in a lineup. Honestly my fiance is not much more familiar with the couples his parents have included in their non-negotiables. But let me clarify that the whole "here is our guest list so figure it out" approach was not intended to mean that we could figure out how to manage their guest list, but to figure out how we are going to pay for their guest list. They have a large community and a lot of people to whom they feel they owe invitations.
    How do you guys feel about the invitation reciprocation concept? My family has been invited to a lot of weddings that they don't feel the need to reciprocate, but then again, that may change if our guest list grows exponentially. The "sorry, my daughter is having a small wedding" may not apply if 400 people made the guest list.
    We originally intended to invite kids because we were looking at quirky venues like a carousel, a zoo, an aquarium, etc. Who has a wedding at a zoo and doesn't invite their friends' children? But now that we are readjusting and looking at more traditional formal venues on a serious budget, I think cutting the kiddos is a necessity. Regarding another etiquette issue: Is it okay to hire someone for childcare, even if the children range a lot in age?
    Anyways, the more I think about it, the more I'm really processing and agreeing with your statement about the money. There has been a lot of push-back on this wedding and I wouldn't be surprised if we invested in a big wedding and then the inheritance didn't happen anyway. And honestly the whole thing makes me feel gross...my mom calls it "blood money". If feels a little bribe-y to us and I don't want it to influence the life choices we make about our wedding, our religion, or the way we raise our children. We can't count on any kind of inheritance or gifts just like we can't count on our guest list resulting in a slew of negative RSVPs. We can't gamble with money with don't have.
  • Have you actually shown them the catering estimate? I would make an excel sheet and break down the catering costs and get to a per person total. Then on another line multiply it times the amount of people on the list they gave you. Another line enter the $10,000. Subtract and show the amount of money needed to pay for their guests alone. Then identify your budget and the amount you can afford to contribute and the total number of guests. Show the difference remaining. Send that, the catering estimate, and then a heartfelt note that this is creating a lot of stress on you both because you want to make everyone happy, and you want to figure it out, but there is literally no money left to cover the expense of a wedding that large. If they still don't care, then forget the inheritance and elope. Less stress. :) Do you think they are bitter your family isn't contributing? (Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, theknot hates iPads.)
  • I agree with PPs. Your FI needs to tell his parents that they may have EITHER a glatt kosher meal OR their 98-person guest list, but they may not have both. 

    Also, if his parents said, 'We can't cut anymore, you'll figure it out,' then that, to me, is licence to cut people from their list. You've never met so-and-so? Gone. Who's this person? Gone. 

    But fundamentally, it sounds like you have a much, much deeper problem. You mention in your OP 'my conversion' and that it has to be up to the standards of your FI's family. Are you converting because YOU want to, or because you feel like you HAVE to? If it's the latter, don't do it. If your FI's grandparents cut him out of their wills, then so be it.

    I strongly suggest that you and your FI find a therapist and work through some of this, because you're going to be bridging this cultural divide for the rest of your lives -- your Christian family is going to expect you to be present at Christmas and Easter, and his Jewish family may not be OK with that, for example.

    An inter-faith marriage certainly CAN work, but it's going to be a lot of delicate balancing, and the wedding is just the beginning.
    ^This.  Forget the wedding until you can sort all of this out because those decisions will affect the both of you for the rest of your lives.

    Do not covert just to appease your FILs.  You should only do it if you really believe in their religious beliefs, values, and traditions.  And you have to have 100% confidence that you FI totally supports your decision not to convert and is fully prepared to have limited or no contact with his family. . . because all hell will ensue when they discover that any potential grandkids won't be raised Jewish.

    And at the end of the day, that is really none of their damn business anyways- those decisions are between you and  your FI only.  But your FI really needs to be prepared for the fall out and totally accept it.

    Don't let your FI's family railroad you into any decisions, religions, custom, or beliefs that you do not agree with, especially at the expense of alienating your own family and their traditions, etc.
    August Inspiration: Accessories!
    image

    In our struggle to "glitter, monogram, and burlap" everything we need to try to remember it is a commitment and celebration of love and the joining of families and NOT a photo/video op
    ~ realblonde474


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