Step daughter wearing similar dress

tzig00

Let me start out by saying that I am 6 months pregnant and getting married on the deck at a baseball game during one of the inning breaks. It's not going to be on the big screen and is mainly just our family and a few close friends (yes I have permission from the park to do this). Since it's not a "traditional" wedding, I'm not wearing a traditional gown. I'm wearing the gown that's hanging. My fiance went shopping with his daughter and bought her a similar dress without knowing what mine looked like. When I told him how upset I was and that I thought she should take it back and get something different, he got bent out of shape and asked why it was such a big deal and told me I can return my dress and get a new one. He found out rather quickly that this is my 3rd dress and there was no way I was getting a new one as this is my wedding and she should return it and get something different. The wedding is in less than 2 weeks and frankly I'm fed up with everything and dealing with the wedding and work and being pregnant I'm almost ready to call the whole thing and get my money back and just go to the courthouse. Off track, sorry... What I'm wondering is do I just throw my hands up and say whatever, let her wear the dress or do I stick to my guns and say no, I will not look similar to my 15 year old step daughter on my day?

Maggie0829

I can't really tell, but it looks like her dress is short and she is wearing a cardigan over it.  Is that right?

If so, it really doesn't look a lot like your dress, just the same colors.  Your dress looks a lot more fancy then hers, especially if hers is short.

Also you are an adult, she is a fifteen year old teenager.  You will not look the same even if you were wearing the same dress.

emmyg65

I think it looks like you matched on purpose, which is cute. Everyone will know you're the bride because you're the one getting married. Being a step parent is hard. Start your new family relationship off on the right food and move on.

QueerFemme

I don't think it's a big deal, and your dress looks a lot fancier than hers.  Plus, she is a child and you are an adult.  But I am not going to lie, I'd be irritated that he told YOU to return your dress, instead of considering that she should return hers. 

tzig00

Her dress is short and she's not wearing that cardigan over it the day of I was told she'll be wearing a white shrug with it and black leggings because I wasn't going to listen to her complain of being cold. I should also mention that none of our kids are standing in the wedding, she'll be sitting with the rest of the people.

Maggie0829

Her dress is short and she's not wearing that cardigan over it the day of I was told she'll be wearing a white shrug with it and black leggings because I wasn't going to listen to her complain of being cold. I should also mention that none of our kids are standing in the wedding, she'll be sitting with the rest of the people.

Well then it really won't matter since she will be sitting with the rest of your guests. 

But QueerFemme makes a good point.  Your FI was out of line to tell you to return your dress.

tzig00

Thank you QueerFemme! I think that's what I'm getting caught up on and then my stubbornness says you know what, no way in hell I'm going to change my dress, change hers and then I have to stick to my guns...

QueerFemme

tzig00 said:

Thank you QueerFemme! I think that's what I'm getting caught up on and then my stubbornness says you know what, no way in hell I'm going to change my dress, change hers and then I have to stick to my guns...

I'd suggest taking her shopping again to buy a different dress.  She can certainly keep the one she has for another event, but I'd tell him to buy her another dress that wasn't black & white.

missnc77

Between demanding she have to return a dress her dad bought her and not wanting to tolerate a kid saying she's cold, you sound like you're going to be a rocking stepmom. I know that's super snarky, and I'm sorry. But, this is all so petty. Who cares if a little girl is wearing the same colors you are? It's your future step-daughter. Everyone would think it's a showing of solidarity and very sweet. Instead, you're freaking out. She looks happy in her dress, let her keep it. 

princessleia22

If she's sitting down, I don't think it will be too big of an issue. I do agree that FI was out of line by saying you should return your dress though and turning it into such a big deal.  A brides outfit, even if a small, untraditional wedding, is still important.  Have you tried asking your step daughter how she feels about it? Maybe she's fine with returning the dress?  Maybe FI just doesn't want to sit through another shopping trip?

theartistformerlyknownas

Sorry, I think you're out of line here. It doesn't matter one bit what your FSD wears. You shouldn't have lost your cool about it. I doubt FI would have asked you to return your dress if you hadn't made a big deal about the kid's dress first. You're the grown up. Get over it.

dolewhipper

Perhaps she chose that dress and didn't think it would match yours because a bride traditionally wears white (and white only). When you choose to be different and wear a different color you open yourself up to having people/guests wear something similar.

My father was engaged to a woman who nit picked everything about me and my decisions. I was about your FSD's age when he proposed to her. My younger sister and I hated her. Don't make the same mistakes, and get over it. She's 15. You're an adult. 

Edited for clarity

tzig00

Apparently I need to explain my situation with my FSD. I've met her twice since her mother kept her from her father for 15 years lying to him about her whereabouts and has just now let her back into his life because she was getting into trouble. I don't have a relationship with her as of now and I'm still thinking that when the money runs out, so will she because every time they go out either him or his mom spends at least $50 on her. That said, my FI wants to rent a vest and tie and pants and shoes so that he will stand out a little bit from all the other guys who are wearing all black with white ties. I'm letting it go and she's keeping the dress. Another reason I didn't want her in something like that is because it's a ball game with a wedding thrown in. All the other guests will be in jeans and sweatshirts. She is keeping the dress though because I gave in. Thank you for your responses from those who were helpful and not rude.

Maggie0829

tzig00 said:

Apparently I need to explain my situation with my FSD. I've met her twice since her mother kept her from her father for 15 years lying to him about her whereabouts and has just now let her back into his life because she was getting into trouble. I don't have a relationship with her as of now and I'm still thinking that when the money runs out, so will she because every time they go out either him or his mom spends at least $50 on her. That said, my FI wants to rent a vest and tie and pants and shoes so that he will stand out a little bit from all the other guys who are wearing all black with white ties. I'm letting it go and she's keeping the dress. Another reason I didn't want her in something like that is because it's a ball game with a wedding thrown in. All the other guests will be in jeans and sweatshirts. She is keeping the dress though because I gave in. Thank you for your responses from those who were helpful and not rude.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting it go.  If I were you I would be more irritated with your FI for suggesting that you change your outfit.  That is just ridiculous.

Anyways, just a question, are you going to be wearing your dress into the baseball stadium?  If you are going to be dressed up and your FI is going to be dressed up then it really won't be that odd if your FSD is dressed up as well.

In the end, no one will think you two look a like.  Your dresses are very different and you will be the one standing up there reciting vows not her.

atlastmrsg

It's your special day.  You get to pick your dress first.  If it really upsets you, tell him just how hurt you are, and that there is no negotiating--she changes her dress.  Agree with above--it was inconsiderate for him to tell you to change yours.  

If you want to take the middle road, have her get a different color cardigan.  Say the baseball team's colors are red and white.  A red cardigan could make her look different than you.  

tzig00

Maggie0829 said:

tzig00 said:

Apparently I need to explain my situation with my FSD. I've met her twice since her mother kept her from her father for 15 years lying to him about her whereabouts and has just now let her back into his life because she was getting into trouble. I don't have a relationship with her as of now and I'm still thinking that when the money runs out, so will she because every time they go out either him or his mom spends at least $50 on her. That said, my FI wants to rent a vest and tie and pants and shoes so that he will stand out a little bit from all the other guys who are wearing all black with white ties. I'm letting it go and she's keeping the dress. Another reason I didn't want her in something like that is because it's a ball game with a wedding thrown in. All the other guests will be in jeans and sweatshirts. She is keeping the dress though because I gave in. Thank you for your responses from those who were helpful and not rude.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting it go.  If I were you I would be more irritated with your FI for suggesting that you change your outfit.  That is just ridiculous.

Anyways, just a question, are you going to be wearing your dress into the baseball stadium?  If you are going to be dressed up and your FI is going to be dressed up then it really won't be that odd if your FSD is dressed up as well.

In the end, no one will think you two look a like.  Your dresses are very different and you will be the one standing up there reciting vows not her.

We are going to be dressed up at the stadium and so are the people in the wedding party. The girls standing with me are both bringing a change of clothes and I probably will also, I don't know about my FI and his guys. I do also have to add that I have 2 boys from a previous marriage and they aren't dressing up and it wasn't my FI that purchased her dress it was my MIL and it was my MIL's idea to get her a dress.

SAHoehle said:

It's your special day.  You get to pick your dress first.  If it really upsets you, tell him just how hurt you are, and that there is no negotiating--she changes her dress.  Agree with above--it was inconsiderate for him to tell you to change yours.  

If you want to take the middle road, have her get a different color cardigan.  Say the baseball team's colors are red and white.  A red cardigan could make her look different than you.  

Thank you for giving me constructive criticism and I love your idea! That's definitely something that we could do.

FutureMrsBuechler

I just want to say that I completely understand your concern. It is your special day, and you should wear what you want and stand out. Her dress does have its similarities you yours, but I love SAHoehle's idea! I agree with the others that your fiancé was out-of-line in asking you to choose another dress. Although you do definitely want to start your new family relationship off on a positive note, you cannot simply give in to everything that the child wants. At her age, children often want attention, and wearing such a dress - especially if no one else will really be dressing up - can be her way of doing that. Of course, if she's sitting, it is likely that no one will notice the similarities. It is, after all, your day, and you will be the center of attention! Enjoy your day, and I wish you all the best with your wedding and your future family! God bless you.