Thoughts on "experience" registries?

KatieinBkln

My fiance and I have lived together for years and don't need much in the way of housewares, plus we are in NYC and therefore have very little space for stuff. We'd like to register somewhere so people don't feel adrift if they want to buy us a gift (lord knows no one HAS to buy us anything!), but honestly the usual sheets/appliances/dishes are unnecessary. The idea of a "honeyfund" strikes me as too opportunistic and tacky, but what is the consensus on "experience" registries? I'm seeing more and more options for registries that offer fun, local activities for couples to do together. It's the kind of gift I would give a person for their birthday or a holiday, but is it still okay for a wedding registry? I would go without a registry entirely but you'd be shocked at how much people in my family seem to lean on it for ideas. I have lingering doubts because I wonder if half the point of wedding gifts is to be "useful" somehow in helping set up a couple's new life together (I do recall finding it tacky as hell when a family friend put a Wii on their registry a few years back--like, that ain't a toaster) so maybe asking for fun things is not as appropriate as asking for housewares. Thoughts? It seems like this is almost a philosophical question: Where does one draw the line when it comes to the tricky business of letting people know what you might enjoy?

KatWAG

KatieinBkln said:

My fiance and I have lived together for years and don't need much in the way of housewares, plus we are in NYC and therefore have very little space for stuff. We'd like to register somewhere so people don't feel adrift if they want to buy us a gift (lord knows no one HAS to buy us anything!), but honestly the usual sheets/appliances/dishes are unnecessary. The idea of a "honeyfund" strikes me as too opportunistic and tacky, but what is the consensus on "experience" registries? I'm seeing more and more options for registries that offer fun, local activities for couples to do together. It's the kind of gift I would give a person for their birthday or a holiday, but is it still okay for a wedding registry? I would go without a registry entirely but you'd be shocked at how much people in my family seem to lean on it for ideas. I have lingering doubts because I wonder if half the point of wedding gifts is to be "useful" somehow in helping set up a couple's new life together (I do recall finding it tacky as hell when a family friend put a Wii on their registry a few years back--like, that ain't a toaster) so maybe asking for fun things is not as appropriate as asking for housewares. Thoughts? It seems like this is almost a philosophical question: Where does one draw the line when it comes to the tricky business of letting people know what you might enjoy?

Sorry, but experience registries are just as tacky as HM registries, IMO.

Can you create a small registry of upgrades and then people will most likely get the message and either give you cash or gift cards?

If someone asks you want you want for a wedding gift feel free to give them an idea. Like fi and I have really been saving up to take a cooking class.

chibiyui

I think if you find a Wii tacky, an "experience" registry should be just as tacky.

artbyallie

Honeymoon or 'experience,' either way you're just asking for cash, and that's tacky no matter how you slice it.

MNVegas

You are still asking people to give you cash so you can have your "experience". Asking for cash even when disguised with a silly registry is still inappropriate. 

Do a small registry and people will get the hint that you don't need much in the way of physical gifts. It really is not very complicated at all.  

KatieinBkln

I'm not sure that I see it as being the same as asking for cash (It's still a specific gift that can only be used for whatever the purchase was for; it's not like the recipient can exchange the voucher for $$). I can see it being inappropriate, but it's not like: Hey, fund my Honeymoon/pay my mortgage/whatever people seem to think is a "reason" to ask for money. The difference I think is that (at least the registries I've seen) are usually things I wouldn't be doing anyway, like going on a honeymoon or paying bills. It would be a date night or a cooking class or learning to bird watch or...whatever. 

I'm not even necessarily trying to defend these registries in and of themselves, but I do think it's considerably different from cash or a honeyfund, because the gift-giver still gets to have the experience of choosing something specific for the recipient. I guess I'm still waiting for someone to illustrate the difference between asking for a mixer and asking for a class to learn how to bake, if that makes any sense. 

KatieinBkln

I'd have to check re: fees. The two or so that I've noticed are specific to my city, and at least one of them is all about hyperlocal, small-business-oriented stuff like artisan cheesemaking, an offbeat walking tour, a musical show or yep, theater tickets. As I understand it it's more like a Groupon than just throwing money in a kitty that is "supposed" to be for X or Y thing. 

theartistformerlyknownas

KatieinBkln said:

I'm not sure that I see it as being the same as asking for cash (It's still a specific gift that can only be used for whatever the purchase was for; it's not like the recipient can exchange the voucher for $$). I can see it being inappropriate, but it's not like: Hey, fund my Honeymoon/pay my mortgage/whatever people seem to think is a "reason" to ask for money. The difference I think is that (at least the registries I've seen) are usually things I wouldn't be doing anyway, like going on a honeymoon or paying bills. It would be a date night or a cooking class or learning to bird watch or...whatever. 

I'm not even necessarily trying to defend these registries in and of themselves, but I do think it's considerably different from cash or a honeyfund, because the gift-giver still gets to have the experience of choosing something specific for the recipient. I guess I'm still waiting for someone to illustrate the difference between asking for a mixer and asking for a class to learn how to bake, if that makes any sense. 

This is the distinction for me - the thinking that everyone does/must/should go on a honeymoon or be spoiled in some way following their wedding. This is not true. Honeymoons are not necessary. Registries, showers, and gifts are intended to set the couple off to a good start in their new life together. If you're already off to a good start, you just don't need those things, so you don't register. People may very well give cash knowing it's going toward your mortgage or other debt, because that contributes to the success of your new life. But asking someone who's never left their own hometown to buy you flying lessons or a snorkeling trip or anything else that's totally extraneous to starting a new life strikes me as a very entitled way of thinking.

If you want to learn to cook, register for a cookbook and use word of mouth to hint that cooking lessons would be a really thoughtful off-shoot from that. But please don't register for them.

AddieCake

Dislike.

KatieinBkln

This is an interesting response, lolo, thanks. For the record, I had not yet made a decision on how I feel about these registries when I posted this. It was more, "Huh, I've never seen this before. Could this work for my situation or is it gross?" To be honest, I actually feel kind of weird about registries in general--if it's rude to ask for things, it's rude to ask for things, right? (Apparently not). 

I'm leaning toward just doing a small traditional registry and leaving it at that (I mean, our dishcloths are pretty dingy).

KatieinBkln

Just to clarify--when I said a honeymoon is something I'll be doing anyway, I just meant that it's something I, personally, would do. To me, asking for $$ to foot a bill [which honeyfunds are] is just asking for everyday $$ to pay for stuff you'd otherwise have to pay for yourself. A gift of an experience is NOT something the recipient was already going to pay for. That's all--I definitely didn't mean to imply that "all couples must honeymoon or else it's not legit."

CrazyCatLady3

I think if you are actually getting a voucher for the experience purchased, and not just cash (with a fee taken out) from the registry company, this is okay.  The problem with HM registries is that they lie to your guests and make them think they are really buying you scuba lessons, etc. when you just get handed a check by the registry company.  

CrazyCatLady3

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I'm not sure that I see it as being the same as asking for cash (It's still a specific gift that can only be used for whatever the purchase was for; it's not like the recipient can exchange the voucher for $$). I can see it being inappropriate, but it's not like: Hey, fund my Honeymoon/pay my mortgage/whatever people seem to think is a "reason" to ask for money. The difference I think is that (at least the registries I've seen) are usually things I wouldn't be doing anyway, like going on a honeymoon or paying bills. It would be a date night or a cooking class or learning to bird watch or...whatever. 

I'm not even necessarily trying to defend these registries in and of themselves, but I do think it's considerably different from cash or a honeyfund, because the gift-giver still gets to have the experience of choosing something specific for the recipient. I guess I'm still waiting for someone to illustrate the difference between asking for a mixer and asking for a class to learn how to bake, if that makes any sense. 

This is the distinction for me - the thinking that everyone does/must/should go on a honeymoon or be spoiled in some way following their wedding. This is not true. Honeymoons are not necessary. Registries, showers, and gifts are intended to set the couple off to a good start in their new life together. If you're already off to a good start, you just don't need those things, so you don't register. People may very well give cash knowing it's going toward your mortgage or other debt, because that contributes to the success of your new life. But asking someone who's never left their own hometown to buy you flying lessons or a snorkeling trip or anything else that's totally extraneous to starting a new life strikes me as a very entitled way of thinking.

If you want to learn to cook, register for a cookbook and use word of mouth to hint that cooking lessons would be a really thoughtful off-shoot from that. But please don't register for them.

Yeah, but no one really NEEDS a $325 stand mixer either.  Why is that okay to register for?  (Not defending HM registries at all, but I don't buy this distinction here.)

KatieinBkln

CrazyCatLady, that's kind of the heart of my question here! It's probably a separate thread, but what DOES make a traditional registry acceptable? (Seriously, no one has to answer that here as I suspect it's pretty involved and boils down to: Because society agreed about it). 

On a purely intellectual level I find all this wedding planning fascinating because it involves so many rules and there's so much hair splitting and disagreement about what's okay and what's not. (On a practical level it's maddening because I actually have to plan the damn thing and I don't want to be a jackass!)

theartistformerlyknownas

CrazyCatLady3 said: lolo883 said: KatieinBkln said: I'm not sure that I see it as being the same as asking for cash (It's still a specific gift that can only be used for whatever the purchase was for; it's not like the recipient can exchange the voucher for $$). I can see it being inappropriate, but it's not like: Hey, fund my Honeymoon/pay my mortgage/whatever people seem to think is a "reason" to ask for money. The difference I think is that (at least the registries I've seen) are usually things I wouldn't be doing anyway, like going on a honeymoon or paying bills. It would be a date night or a cooking class or learning to bird watch or...whatever. 
I'm not even necessarily trying to defend these registries in and of themselves, but I do think it's considerably different from cash or a honeyfund, because the gift-giver still gets to have the experience of choosing something specific for the recipient. I guess I'm still waiting for someone to illustrate the difference between asking for a mixer and asking for a class to learn how to bake, if that makes any sense.  This is the distinction for me - the thinking that everyone does/must/should go on a honeymoon or be spoiled in some way following their wedding. This is not true. Honeymoons are not necessary. Registries, showers, and gifts are intended to set the couple off to a good start in their new life together. If you're already off to a good start, you just don't need those things, so you don't register. People may very well give cash knowing it's going toward your mortgage or other debt, because that contributes to the success of your new life. But asking someone who's never left their own hometown to buy you flying lessons or a snorkeling trip or anything else that's totally extraneous to starting a new life strikes me as a very entitled way of thinking.

If you want to learn to cook, register for a cookbook and use word of mouth to hint that cooking lessons would be a really thoughtful off-shoot from that. But please don't register for them. Yeah, but no one really NEEDS a $325 stand mixer either.  Why is that okay to register for?  (Not defending HM registries at all, but I don't buy this distinction here.)
 - - - edited because what's up with the quote box? - - - 
No, nobody needs one, but the understanding is generally stocking your new household with household goods. A mixer is one of those household goods. Nobody needs fine china either, but it's a traditional thing. You don't NEED to ask for any of it, but that's just what happy little future housewives have gotten for years, since the time when brides were moving out of their parents' house for the first time and really did need everything, so the community came together to provide it. Showers were really an evolution of/alternative to the dowry when the parents couldn't afford it. They were meant as a way to help the couple get started on their own, not to pamper them or be a reward for landing a spouse. Modern registries only made it easier to not get duplicates.

Should the definition evolve as we have? Absolutely! And it has evolved a lot to be more lenient... items for common interests/hobbies like camping, for example, are generally accepted. But I think it's just too far to say "I got married, so I deserve presents, and I want those presents to be spectacular adventures. Sorry to all you schmucks who actually need dish cloths, haha, I'm off to Belize!" The mere act of getting married to someone is just not that amazing of a triumph to deserve spoiling. It's a life choice.

FYI, I'm not implying that the above is anyone's intent or sentiment here specifically. But guests totally could feel that way and be majorly offended without saying so to anyone's face. And @KatieinBkln I got that you hadn't decided and legitimately wanted opinions/feelings! Those are mine, in generalities.

CrazyCatLady3

KatieinBkln said:

CrazyCatLady, that's kind of the heart of my question here! It's probably a separate thread, but what DOES make a traditional registry acceptable? (Seriously, no one has to answer that here as I suspect it's pretty involved and boils down to: Because society agreed about it). 

On a purely intellectual level I find all this wedding planning fascinating because it involves so many rules and there's so much hair splitting and disagreement about what's okay and what's not. (On a practical level it's maddening because I actually have to plan the damn thing and I don't want to be a jackass!)

Pretty much it's a suggestion of what guests can get you if they are inclined to get you a gift.  It's never mandatory, and the B&G need to be polite about not shoving it in people's faces.  My understanding of why people side-eye HM registries as opposed to houseware registries is that HM don't actually provide what they are advertising--they just cut a check, so they are dishonest in that way.  But if you order dishes from a Macy's registry, the B&G are actually getting those dishes.

MyNameIsNot

KatieinBkln said:

CrazyCatLady, that's kind of the heart of my question here! It's probably a separate thread, but what DOES make a traditional registry acceptable? (Seriously, no one has to answer that here as I suspect it's pretty involved and boils down to: Because society agreed about it). 

On a purely intellectual level I find all this wedding planning fascinating because it involves so many rules and there's so much hair splitting and disagreement about what's okay and what's not. (On a practical level it's maddening because I actually have to plan the damn thing and I don't want to be a jackass!)

Because it isn't ASKING for gifts.  It's a guide that helps guests who are interested select a gift that matches your home.  If everyone used the same brand of white towels, white sheets, black appliances, etc there'd be no need for a registry.  Most of your guests don't know what you could use to set up your house.

My big concern with this registries is that they'd be just like the HM "excursion" registries.  Do you get the actual theater tickets, or do you get a deposit in an account/voucher that you can put toward tickets or a restaurant gift card or exchange for cash?  If it's the former, I might actually be sort of ok with it.  More likely, I'd expect it to be the latter, just like a honeyfund.  At best, you're just registering for gift cards.