Wedding Etiquette Forum

Do we let a family member officiate?

My fiance and I are both from very religious families. We still count ourselves as Christian, but have veered away from a lot of the more conservative aspects of our parents' practicing faith. My fiance has two uncles on his side who are both ministers, and I feel that we are probably supposed to ask one of them to officiate - pretty sure his family is expecting that. However, I'm worried that if we let someone much more conservative than ourselves do the ceremony, things will be handled in a way we don't agree with (most importantly, that our vows or readings will include passages about the wife submitting to the husband in all things).

I would feel more comfortable with someone who I could give specific directions to about what I do and don't want said. If I do let one of the uncles officiate, would it be rude for me to tell him exactly what he's allowed to say? Or should I just try to be diplomatic about finding someone who is less set in their own beliefs, which differ from mine?

Re: Do we let a family member officiate?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Don't ask anyone, especially a relative, to officiate if you don't agree with their views. 

    Beyond that, it's fair to give an officiant a general rundown of things you'd like said or not said, but it's not appropriate for you to script the whole ceremony for them.  Let them do the job they got themselves qualified for.
  • zizibetzizibet member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    What does your FI want? I'd say in this case, if your FI also wants a non-family member, to get one, and if asked by his family, say brightly "Oh, we just wanted Uncle Al and Uncle Bob to enjoy themselves", then bean dip.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I got myself one of those online certifications to perform my sister's wedding.  The two of us wrote her wedding "script".  If you don't belong to the church of either of his uncles, I don't think it would be out of line to find someone you agree with to officiate your own wedding.  Either a minister of a more liberal church or someone else entirely. 
  • edited May 2014
    My uncle is officiating my wedding. He sent us a rough draft of the ceremony a few weeks ago and told us to make and changes we want made. He had no problems with us changing things around to make it more personal for us. Just make sure your family member/non family member is open to doing something unique to you.

    For example....I am very much against my father "giving" me to my fiance. So I had that changed to "who supports this woman in her decision to marry...."
  • You and FI should choose the officiant that works for what you believe.  FI and I both have devoutly Catholic mothers. We are not Catholic. We are not having a Catholic ceremony.  Our minister is from the Unitarian church FI joined as an adult.  And he's been wonderful at asking our input on things for the ceremony, even offering to re-write parts of it so it speaks specifically to both FI and my beliefs. 

    If your families don't like your choice of officiant, that's their problem.  Your wedding ceremony should be meaningful to you.  If it happens to make other people happy too, that's great.  If not, tough.
    image
  • I feel you. I don't want anything about procreation in my ceremony. Last month I was in a wedding and the couple hadn't gone over anything with the officiant, and she said something about "birthing of children" and the bride made a face, because I know she doesn't want children. So I need to make sure my officiant doesn't say anything like that. But anyway...

    Just curious, what denomination do your FI's uncles belong to? You should be able to chose your the readings (and it's totally okay to not choose Ephesians 5), to write your own vows if you want, and to give input on the content of the homily. Since he's a family member, he should be willing to customize the ceremony for you. Or, if you would feel more comfortable, you can hire someone to else officiate. That's totally okay too, although it may cost more.

    Whichever you choose, telling someone what you "would like for them to say" will go over a lot better than telling them what they "are (or aren't) allowed to say."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you and your fiance don't want one of his uncles to officiate, you don't have to. I think there's this recently romanticized idea that the absolute most perfect way to have a perfect ceremony is to have a family member or friend officiate because they know you, as opposed to a stranger. But there are great officiants out there (ministers, justices of the peace, life cycle celebrants) who can do a bang-up job with your ceremony, bring you all to tears, and (most importantly) end the ceremony by making sure you're hitched.

    One of my partner's family members is qualified to officiate weddings, but multiple family members have chosen justices of the peace instead. We turned down the offer to have her officiate because my godmother is a life cycle celebrant who had already offered.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • My nephew (a minister) officiated at my daughter's (atheist) wedding and he was amazing. Don't assume anything. Ask. If you like the idea of a family member marrying you, make sure they understand and are comfortable with the kind of wedding you want. If you are not on the same page, you will be happier finding someone else. And, honestly, they will probably be relieved as well.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards