Is there a polite way to invite friends/family to participate in this type of ceremony?

kitty8403

For a number of reasons, I would love to dedicate a portion of our ceremony to friends/family. First, I wanted to ask parents/grandparents for their blessings (and perhaps have those who are comfortable stand and read those aloud for a few minutes during the ceremony). Those requests can be done in person or by phone. But I'd like to go a step further, since we have other close friends or family friends who might like to be included, and do something similar to the wine box ceremony, where people *who want to* bring sealed letters and deposit them into a box with the understanding that they will be read later (usually on an anniversary or during a time of great turmoil in the marriage). 

I'm struggling with how to present this request without making it seem like a writing assignment or putting pressure on anybody who might, for whatever reason, not want to do this. Would it work to just put an insert card with the invites saying this is something we are doing as part of our ceremony? Thoughts?

KGold80

I don't think I'd do it during the ceremony. That could just prolong things and make people feel awkward if they don't participate. I'd maybe set out some paper, pens, and envelopes at the reception (next to the guest book maybe?) to give people the option of writing a note.

kitty8403

Yeah, I see your point, and that's one route we could end up going. This isn't exactly an unusual ceremony component, though (wine boxes are especially popular), so just wondering how others have handled it in the past. 

QueerFemme

I wouldn't do it during the ceremony.  People get long winded and you could end up with a 2 hour ceremony.  I like the idea of setting out paper and pens next to the card box or guest book.

emmyg65

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

kitty8403

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

No I haven't, and that sounds like a nice idea. Thanks!

Jen4948

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

If someone is not a Quaker, I think an occasion characterized by silence is going to make them feel really awkward and impatient because nothing is happening and not moved to speak up. 

HisGirlFriday13

Jen4948 said:

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

If someone is not a Quaker, I think an occasion characterized by silence is going to make them feel really awkward and impatient because nothing is happening and not moved to speak up. 


Meh. I've attended Quaker weddings and I am Catholic. I felt neither awkward nor impatient.

To me, attending whatever kind of ceremony the B/G pick is part of the deal for attending a wedding. I don't have to practice their faith to passively participate in the the ceremony by sitting quietly.

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

If someone is not a Quaker, I think an occasion characterized by silence is going to make them feel really awkward and impatient because nothing is happening and not moved to speak up. 

Meh. I've attended Quaker weddings and I am Catholic. I felt neither awkward nor impatient. To me, attending whatever kind of ceremony the B/G pick is part of the deal for attending a wedding. I don't have to practice their faith to passively participate in the the ceremony by sitting quietly.

Sitting quietly is one thing when everyone is aware of what's going on, but if you just sit there and nobody speaks for a prolonged period of time and people don't realize that that's expected, I think non-Quaker guests are going to get frustrated and impatient, and that could lead to somebody saying something undesirable.  I think anyone who does this had better put out the word in advance to expect prolonged periods of silence.

emmyg65

Jen4948 said:

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

If someone is not a Quaker, I think an occasion characterized by silence is going to make them feel really awkward and impatient because nothing is happening and not moved to speak up. 

80% of our guests weren't Quaker, and it was fine. We spent a lot of time telling people about the ceremony beforehand, including an insert in the invitations, word of mouth, and a note on the programs. So everyone knew what to expect. And actually, a ton of non-Quakers participated. Many, many people have shared with us how moved they were by the ceremony.

My only note for non-Quakers is to keep the silent worship relatively short. Ours was about 30 minutes, which was just about right.

Jen4948

emmyg65 said:

Jen4948 said:

emmyg65 said:

I think you're fine to include an insert in your invitations inviting people to bring a brief letter or note. They can drop it in the box after the ceremony or during the reception.

Have you looked at Quaker weddings? We had one. They're characterized by silence. If people feel moved, they stand and share thoughts, wishes and advice for the newly married couple. It's really lovely. Perhaps you could incorporate a brief period of silent worship in your ceremony.

If someone is not a Quaker, I think an occasion characterized by silence is going to make them feel really awkward and impatient because nothing is happening and not moved to speak up. 

80% of our guests weren't Quaker, and it was fine. We spent a lot of time telling people about the ceremony beforehand, including an insert in the invitations, word of mouth, and a note on the programs. So everyone knew what to expect. And actually, a ton of non-Quakers participated. Many, many people have shared with us how moved they were by the ceremony.

My only note for non-Quakers is to keep the silent worship relatively short. Ours was about 30 minutes, which was just about right.

I agree that the non-Quakers would need a heads-up about the silence.  Those who don't know about it probably won't just speak up-but they would get antsy with nothing seeming to be going on.

HisGirlFriday13

I should have mentioned that there was a program with detailed notes about how a Quaker ceremony ran and what the silence was for, so I was prepared.

Bubblegum5586

My friend did the wine box ceremony (except they did whiskey instead) and wrote the love letters to each other, Then they had the box on display at the reception as the guest book and we all wrote little notes to put in it.