How do I break the news to my Dad?

krash7v

My mom and dad have been split since I was two years old, not too long after that they both re-married. Mom has stayed in that marriage since, while dad has re-married twice. I never got along with my step dad until I was about 9 and I started riding motorcycles, he finally had a way to relate to me. Ever since he has treated me like his own daughter, he has supported me, been to all of my events growing up, and is truly a father to me. Bio dad on the other hand was always in my life, but in a very monetary, non-personal way. I have heard him say things (he doesn't know I heard) about me, and I just don't think he deserves the honor of giving me away. For the past two years though we have tried to re-kindle our relationship and have done a very good job at doing so, coming from the previous situation we were in and I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is still my dad and I love him, but I think my step-dad is owed that respect and should be acknowledged for taking me under his wing. How do I go about breaking this to my bio dad? He has another daughter so its not like he will be missing out on this opportunity entirely, just not with me. I'm step-dad's only daughter. Do I offer a father daughter dance in lieu of? Not sure how to approach the situation.

HisGirlFriday13

krash7v said:

My mom and dad have been split since I was two years old, not too long after that they both re-married. Mom has stayed in that marriage since, while dad has re-married twice. I never got along with my step dad until I was about 9 and I started riding motorcycles, he finally had a way to relate to me. Ever since he has treated me like his own daughter, he has supported me, been to all of my events growing up, and is truly a father to me. Bio dad on the other hand was always in my life, but in a very monetary, non-personal way. I have heard him say things (he doesn't know I heard) about me, and I just don't think he deserves the honor of giving me away. For the past two years though we have tried to re-kindle our relationship and have done a very good job at doing so, coming from the previous situation we were in and I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is still my dad and I love him, but I think my step-dad is owed that respect and should be acknowledged for taking me under his wing. How do I go about breaking this to my bio dad? He has another daughter so its not like he will be missing out on this opportunity entirely, just not with me. I'm step-dad's only daughter. Do I offer a father daughter dance in lieu of? Not sure how to approach the situation.

This is a very personal decision, and there's no right or wrong answer. 

Some options other Knotties have done is to have bio-dad and step-dad walk them down the aisle; to have one walk down the aisle and the other do the father-daughter dance; to have one do a reading, etc.

It's entirely up to you and no one can make that decision for you. But if you decide to have your stepfather walk you down the aisle, it would be best to tell your bio-dad that before the day-of, if you anticipate him wanting or expecting to have that honour. If you don't, then there's no need to bring it up at all.

KGold80

krash7v said:

My mom and dad have been split since I was two years old, not too long after that they both re-married. Mom has stayed in that marriage since, while dad has re-married twice. I never got along with my step dad until I was about 9 and I started riding motorcycles, he finally had a way to relate to me. Ever since he has treated me like his own daughter, he has supported me, been to all of my events growing up, and is truly a father to me. Bio dad on the other hand was always in my life, but in a very monetary, non-personal way. I have heard him say things (he doesn't know I heard) about me, and I just don't think he deserves the honor of giving me away. For the past two years though we have tried to re-kindle our relationship and have done a very good job at doing so, coming from the previous situation we were in and I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is still my dad and I love him, but I think my step-dad is owed that respect and should be acknowledged for taking me under his wing. How do I go about breaking this to my bio dad? He has another daughter so its not like he will be missing out on this opportunity entirely, just not with me. I'm step-dad's only daughter. Do I offer a father daughter dance in lieu of? Not sure how to approach the situation.

As HGF said, it is a very personal decision, but a word of caution, if you are serious about wanting to rekindle the relationship with your bio-dad this is likely going to set your relationship WAY back. I'm pretty sure he would be very hurt by your decision to exclude him from the traditional role of father while giving that honor to another father figure. You could consider walking alone or having them BOTH walk you down the aisle?

scole90

I think it would be beautiful for them both to walk you down the aisle, if that is possible. 

I think you need to think long and hard about it because at the end of the day, you need to feel loved by the man giving you away, be it your bio dad or step dad. If you choose your step dad, I would definitely find a way to include your dad and make him feel like you want him there. Also as PP said, definitely have this conversation well before your wedding day and prepare yourself because he will be hurt. Good luck with everything!

krash7v

Another little piece of history, bio dad cheated on mom with step-dad's (at the time) fiance. I don't know if step-dad could resist punching him! haha

Definitely want step-dad to walk me though, maybe I'll have bio dad walk me half-way then have step-dad walk the rest and actually give me away. 

CC0805

Interesting you should add that last bit.  I can relate to not wanting dad to walk you down the aisle, I'm not even sure yet if I want mine to show (b/c mom might just punch him or stepmom in the face) and my brother and mom will be walking me down.

But that really is something you need to sit down and figure out.  This could either make or break your relationship with bio dad.  Either he will be so touched by this that it will help continue to strengthen your budding relationship, or he could be hurt by not being able to walk you down the aisle and it could damage what you've built.  (or neither, you never know how people will react)

The most important thing is to think real hard about what YOU want to do.  What memory do you want?  Do you want to look back and say "what if I had done this..." ?  Just take some time and think about what's important to you.

GuitarSlayer

I think you're going to hurt someone either way, especially given the history you've given re: the four (mom, dad, stepdad, stepdad's ex fiance).  There is not going to be a Wizard of Oz-esque scene of you with your mom, stepdad, and dad frolicking down the aisle.  As everyone said above, big decision to make. 

If you really wanted to avoid all conflict, walk yourself down the aisle.  Before or after, give each of them a personal and private letter that acknowledges the role each played in your life and emphasizes the fact that you couldn't choose -- both mean a lot to you in different ways.