I already know you guys will think I'm BSC...

shaivana

But I am willing to look like an idiot to get some advice from you ladies.

Ok, my SO and I have been together for about 3 years and we are both moving to a different state to go to grad school together. We have been talking about getting engaged for at least a year now and I have clearly expressed that I would like at least a year-long engagement. My SO and I are celibate and we've decided not to even live together until we are married so it's kind of important for me to know if we're gonna do this now or later. 

I have kind of come to terms that we are not getting married anytime soon, but my SO keeps talking about getting married and moving in together in August and it's THE MIDDLE OF MAY. No proposal, nothing but he is convinced that we are getting hitched in a few months. To top it off, every time we talk about where to live in the fall, I remind him that there's no ring and he gets upset because I'm nagging but he knows what we talked about already. 

I have been trying to keep it together since a year went by and still no proposal, but now he is acting like we are engaged when clearly we are not (He hasn't even told my parents about our intentions. That's important too.) I'm cool with not getting hitched right now and almost think it would be better since there is literally no time to plan a wedding, but it's driving me nuts that he wants to plan our near future together when he knows I won't be comfortable with it without some type of formal commitment.

What would you guys do in this situation? What if he pops the question in July and expects to start life together a couple weeks later? I don't think it's fair to me when we had all this time. I want to start looking for my own place now but he keeps getting upset that I'm planning my future without him! 

Blue & White

I think you need to have a conversation with him about what to expect while in grad school.  I also think it is very unlikely that you will both find a school that's good in your respective fields together (unless they happen to be the same thing?) and would recommend NOT picking a grad school based on where your BF/FI will be.  It's probably too late for that, but grad school is a pretty major decision.

But yea, you need to discuss living arrangements in grad school, a feasible timeline that you both agree is realistic (I'm talking a range of dates as opposed to "ok we're getting married on 3/15/15" or something.)  You should also discuss your expectations (does he know you want him to talk to your parents about your intentions?) for an engagement lest you both end up disappointed.

Communication.  It solves all of these problems.

blabla89

First of all, I totally respect that you guys have chosen not to live together before you're married. FI and I have decided the same, and I know it makes living arrangements more complicated. Also, I don't think you're BSC. It's 6:30am and my thoughts are a little disorganized, so bear with me here...

I think you need to have a conversation with him about it, to clarify the reasons for your different expectations. He may have good reasons for wanting to get married right away, and you don't have to give in to that, but you also may not be able to win him 100% over to the way you want it to happen, so be prepared to compromise. Instead of mentioning the ring every time the subject of living arrangements comes up (which he perceives as nagging) you need to plan some time to sit down and talk through it together.

He also needs to know that having a wedding to celebrate with your friends and family is important to you. Again, you may need to compromise. You can plan a lovely wedding in less than a year if you need to.

Dignity100

I think many of us know how you feel.  I don't live with my FI either (and won't until we're married).

Have a conversation with him.  Ask him for what he sees as a time line (he doesn't have to say 'we'll I plan to propose on June 3rd' but he can say 'I was hoping to get engaged over the summer').  Keep in mind, communication is a 2 way street, so also let him know (or reinforce) what you imagine a time line to be.

As already stated, you can plan a wedding in less than a year.  My venue only allows brides to book ahead 8 months in advance in the price point I'm in.

It's really really really hard not to lose your head when your SO is saying 'Hey I want to get married' and stuff like that.  My FI did the same thing to me. . . I had the timeline chat with him more than once.  In all honesty, now he says 'I didn't really need to do all that stuff, we should have gotten married sooner'.

phira

I'm a little curious to know what your conversations have been like. My advice is pretty much the same as everyone else's, but from what you've posted, it sounds like you have tried to talk to him about these things. But I'm curious whether or not he actually knows that you want to be engaged for a year.

Either way, it is absolutely not nagging or BSC to want to know about when you and your partner are going to be engaged or married. Think of it this way: what's stressing you out right now is that your partner has an idea of when HE wants to be engaged or married, and he is not telling you. Since his engagement/marriage involves you, he's effectively decided your timeline for you and will not communicate it with you.

In case you haven't really explicitly talked to him about some of these things, here are some edit-able scripts I can recommend:

"Can we talk about timelines? I'm starting to feel exhausted waiting to get engaged. I'm not upset that you haven't proposed yet; that's not what I mean. What I mean is, I'd like to get an idea of when you'd want to be engaged by. If you're not ready to be engaged until the fall, that's okay! I just don't want to spend all summer feeling anxious that you might propose any day now."

"Hey, can I ask you something? You've been saying things like [insert hints/comments he's made that suggest he wants to be married/moved in together by August]. This all makes me think that you want to be married in August. Is that true? I do not want to be engaged for such a short period of time, though. I want to be engaged for a year or so. This is really important to me. However, I'm also ready to be engaged whenever you are, so whenever you're ready to propose, we only need to wait a year after that to get married."

One last thing: you want to be engaged for a year. I am not saying that your desire to be engaged for a year is wrong or unreasonable ... but how flexible are you about it? For example, I wanted to be in a relationship for a year, then move in together. However, because of the rental situation in Boston, and because of our leases, we had to make the decision to move in together after 5 months of dating. And we had to move in together after not even 10 months (we started dating in November and we had to find a September 1st rental).

I was a little worried we were rushing (like, 5 months in and we'd signed a lease--what?!), but I didn't actually FEEL rushed. It felt fine.

Just like you're allowed to have your own ideal timeline (engaged for a year), he's allowed to have his ideal, too, and you might have to compromise. A year-long engagement certainly isn't an arbitrary thing; the length of an engagement is usually determined by money and venue availability. And a year is certainly a totally acceptable/normal engagement length. I'm just trying to point out that your year-long engagement is reasonable, but it's also arbitrary (e.g. having a shorter engagement will not necessarily make a difference).

GoldenPenguin

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. 

evadorrough

GoldenPenguin said:

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. 

This, a million times.  You need to tell your SO what you're thinking, and ask him what he's thinking for a timeline, and have a real conversation about your plans together--you really can't expect anyone to respond to your needs if you haven't expressed those needs.  Neither you nor your SO are mind-readers.

shaivana

It's so good to hear that I'm not the only person who has dealt with this. We did choose a pesky living situation. But yes I hear ya, communication. We are working on that ha.

Everything I have mentioned on the OP is something I have talked about with my SO. He knows that I wanted a year because I literally said it a year ago. But I guess I am willing to compromise on that, I just wanted to have time to make a budget and plan. He is basically planning a wedding without an engagement because he's putting off talking with my father. But when I asked if we are just engaged without a ring he said no cause having the "talk" is important to him. Oi communication...

 As for grad school @blue&white, we applied to some of the same schools and both accepted assistantships at the same place already (we are both musicians) so choosing grad school is not really anything thats gonna change at this point. We have just always imagined moving to this part of life together, as one.

blabla89

One thing to consider and talk with him about is that getting married and living together for the first time is a major life change, and it could be a lot of added stress during your first year of grad school. Not that it's a bad thing - but it's a huge adjustment, at a time when you also have to adjust to a new city, new school program, new jobs - and that's a lot to adapt to all at once.

I can understand why you're frustrated. You really need to sit down and explain to him why it's so important to you, and what your non-negotiables are.

phira

Just keep in mind that grad school is a pretty big life change. It's absolutely nothing like undergrad, and it's also not like working a regular job. Not that no one can handle multiple major life changes at once (e.g. living together, marriage, moving to a new city, starting grad school). But if he's ready to get engaged by this fall and he wants to get married immediately, I'd definitely push for at least a 6 month engagement, or at least wait until the end of the spring semester.

More importantly, though, it honestly sounds like you're kind of talking to a wall. You've told him what's important to you. You've asked him what's important to him. He just seems to be all, "Well, I haven't done this one thing yet, so we can't be engaged yet, but plan anyway because here's when I want to be married." It's like ... um okay then?

bride2b71614

Wait why is he putting off speaking with your father? I'm in agreement with all PPs, you aren't BSC. The only issue I see here is a lack of communication between you and your SO. @Phira said it best, it appears as though you and he aren't on the same page, and that whatever you say is going in through one ear and out the other. You need to be firm with him, and explain what you expect if you were to get engaged.

shaivana

I'm not sure why he's putting off talking to my dad. He has to drive 2 hours to where my parents live to talk or he can FaceTime or something. He told me he's hesitant cause he doesn't have a lot of money but I suppose it's to be expected that he's not rollin in the dough. I told him we can figure it out with my parents if that's what he's worried about... yep it feels like I'm talking to a wall when I think about it. I think I'll talk to him tonight and probably give him a couple of weeks to make a decision. I knew I could count on you guys to confirm this talk isn't unreasonable. I'll keep y'all posted!

lilacck28

This is a few days old, and I agree with all PP, but my $0.02:

1. It's totally possible to get used to a new city, new graduate program, and living with your SO. I did that. Granted, I had about a month of living with now fiance before my program started, but, still. 

2. I understand the stress of an "August wedding". I got engaged in April, and my mom was like "oh! I called up that place you  mentioned you liked... they have an availability in August! Let's do that! why wait??" I almost had a panic attack. I realized I wanted a longer engagement, I wanted to enjoy the planning, and feel like I had control of it. We've set our date for the end of next May. You don't need a year, but you need to feel comfortable with ALL of your timelines. 

3. Wanting to get married RIGHT NOW just for ease of living situation, which it sounds like may be your bf's main reason, is NOT how you want to enter an engagement/ marriage. Wanting to get married SOON because you love each other and know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, can't wait to be married, and it would just happen to also make living arrangements easier, are fine reasons. 

4. This is really no-brainer advice that you've probably thought of yourself already, but, you could also look for shorter term leases if you know that your timeline is going to be less than a year, and you don't want to make a year long commitment to living separately (3-9 month leases.... though they are often more expensive in the short run.)

5. I hope it all works out!