Bridesmaid Dresses - deadline?

VesperLove

So, I have four bridesmaids and my MOH (my sister) and I decided to let all of them pick out their own dresses. We are doing a 1920s old hollywood/ballroom wedding and I just told them all that any dress that fits into that era is fine by me. Their only requirements were something in the brown, black, or glitzy color range (champagne, taupe, beige, chocolate brown, black, silver, gold, bronze, etc, etc). We've thrown links back and forth for the last few months on different ideas and everyone seems to be excited about it.

I asked each lady to send me a pic of their dress before they bought it just so I could see it, and to send me confirmation when they had purchased the dress. My wedding is mid-October and since we're not ordering from a dress boutique my timeline is different (don't need 3.5 months like some places request).

That being said, other than my sister who I have chatted with regularly about her choices since she'll be super preggo at the time, none of the girls have gotten in touch about potential dress options or verified that they'd purchased one yet.

One of my girls even told me that she is going to wait until August or September to purchase one because she's in the process of losing weight. 

Basically, I'm just wondering if I should set a deadline date for when I want their dresses purchased by ... and if so, when a reasonable time frame for that would be?

I'd like to purchase some jewelry for them to wear at the wedding and would like to some time to pick it out (knowing what they all are wearing) and I'd also like to set up a day where we all get together to go buy our shoes together, get lunch, etc.

Knowing my wedding is October 18th, is there a time you'd want everyone to have their dress in hand and be ready to go? At what point should I get in touch and let them know they need to start finalizing their decisions?

Maggie0829

kyleneum13 said:

So, I have four bridesmaids and my MOH (my sister) and I decided to let all of them pick out their own dresses. We are doing a 1920s old hollywood/ballroom wedding and I just told them all that any dress that fits into that era is fine by me. Their only requirements were something in the brown, black, or glitzy color range (champagne, taupe, beige, chocolate brown, black, silver, gold, bronze, etc, etc). We've thrown links back and forth for the last few months on different ideas and everyone seems to be excited about it.

I asked each lady to send me a pic of their dress before they bought it just so I could see it, and to send me confirmation when they had purchased the dress. My wedding is mid-October and since we're not ordering from a dress boutique my timeline is different (don't need 3.5 months like some places request).

That being said, other than my sister who I have chatted with regularly about her choices since she'll be super preggo at the time, none of the girls have gotten in touch about potential dress options or verified that they'd purchased one yet.

One of my girls even told me that she is going to wait until August or September to purchase one because she's in the process of losing weight. 

Basically, I'm just wondering if I should set a deadline date for when I want their dresses purchased by ... and if so, when a reasonable time frame for that would be?

I'd like to purchase some jewelry for them to wear at the wedding and would like to some time to pick it out (knowing what they all are wearing) and I'd also like to set up a day where we all get together to go buy our shoes together, get lunch, etc.

Knowing my wedding is October 18th, is there a time you'd want everyone to have their dress in hand and be ready to go? At what point should I get in touch and let them know they need to start finalizing their decisions?

If there is no order deadline determined from a salon then there should be no order deadline from you.

Also, why do you need to see their dress choice before they buy it?  You gave them guidelines to follow so you needing to 'okay' their dress choice is a bit micromanaging of you.  If you are really that concerned about their dress choice then you should have gone the traditional route and picked out a dress for them.

Also, why in the world do you need to get together to all buy your shoes together?  Just tell them to get a nice neutral shoe that would go with their dress and let them buy whatever they want or wear whatever they already have.

As for the jewlery, just buy them something in the neutral family and it will match whatever their dress looks like just fine.  And FYI jewelry should not be considered their gift because it ends up being part of their wedding attire and something to make your pictures look better, so not so much of a gift for them.

Finally, the deadline that they need a dress for your wedding is the day of your wedding.

delujm0

First, it is inappropriate for you to tell them to buy whatever they want but then also ask them to send you a pictures before buying it, as if you need to "approve" it.  This is either completely their decision, or completely yours.  And the only time a deadline is appropriate is if it is unavoidable - as in you are all ordering from a boutique and they have told you the order must be in by X date.  If you're buying off the rack, a deadline is completely unnecessary.  If they don't find a dressin time, they are not in the wedding anymore.  Simple as that.

 

Second, i don't think it's an issue at all for them to buy a dress even a few weeks before the wedding.  That's better, actully, because then if any of them gain or lose weight they know it will fit.  That is especially true of the pregnant and "trying to lose weight" BMs.  I would love it if i could run to the store two weeks before a wedding and grab a dress, because i would know for certain that it fits.

 

I would let them buy shoes on their own so that you don't have to worry about a deadline.  Arranging a fun (an optional) lunch can happen anytime.  Often, brides will host a BM brunch at some point during the wedding weekend, so you can consider that.

 

I know you didn't ask this, and i hate to make assumptions about your questions, so this is just an FYI: if you are buying them jewelry specifically to wear in the wedding, do not make that their BM gift. The gift should be unrelated to the wedding accessories.  Anything they are required to wear doesn't cut it.  Additionally, know that you cannot require a specific shoe unless you offer to pay for it - but i doubt you're doing that because it wouldn't make sense for them to be in different dresses but the same shoes. :-)

VesperLove

I made clear to them that showing me their dress had nothing to do with me "okaying" it and more to do with the jewelry aspect ... I want to cover their jewelry for them (if they want, also gave them the option) and want to make sure it would look good with what their wearing. Good point though, I should make sure they understand that I'm not going to veto anything they show me, just interested for other decisions.

As for buying shoes, I don't care what they wear -- just an opportunity for us to do lunch and get together. My bridesmaids don't really know each other so I'm looking for opportunities before the wedding for them to spend time together so the wedding is more fun for them as a group. If they pick out their shoes beforehand, then they could just come to hang out. This was actually an idea from one of my bridesmaids.

And the jewelry is not going to be part of their bridesmaid gift - I have other plans for that - just something I wanted to cover, along with their hair costs, as it's part of the wedding day stuff.

HisGirlFriday13

Their deadline is Oct. 17.

Also, as a many-times-over BM, I detest 'get-togethers' orchestrated by the bride for me to get to know the other BMs. I don't want to get to know them. I don't have to like them or be BFFy with them. I have to be cordial to them for your wedding and I'm done. I don't need to get to know them so the wedding will be more fun for us as a group -- that's something YOU want, not something necessary for the wedding.

sarawifenow

I completely understand the stress of worrying whether or not everyone is going to meet a deadline. That being said, I would just relax and let everyone take care of it themselves. It will save you the stress (and we all know that there is plenty of stress to go around with wedding planning).

I think @Maggie0829 made a great point with the jewlery. Just get something neutral that will match your color scheme.

As far as the outing for the shoes, I think you could just do a get together lunch and then maybe head to a shoe store after if everyone is so inclined. I have found that I really need to make an effort to not talk wedding talk at every get together with my girls.

In the end, your wedding will be beautiful as will your girls. No deadlines (read: no STRESSING) needed!

Maggie0829

kyleneum13 said:

I made clear to them that showing me their dress had nothing to do with me "okaying" it and more to do with the jewelry aspect ... I want to cover their jewelry for them (if they want, also gave them the option) and want to make sure it would look good with what their wearing. Good point though, I should make sure they understand that I'm not going to veto anything they show me, just interested for other decisions.

As for buying shoes, I don't care what they wear -- just an opportunity for us to do lunch and get together. My bridesmaids don't really know each other so I'm looking for opportunities before the wedding for them to spend time together so the wedding is more fun for them as a group. If they pick out their shoes beforehand, then they could just come to hang out. This was actually an idea from one of my bridesmaids.

And the jewelry is not going to be part of their bridesmaid gift - I have other plans for that - just something I wanted to cover, along with their hair costs, as it's part of the wedding day stuff.

Then let them know that after they purchase their dress to show it to you for jewelry purposes. By requesting they show it to you before they purchase it makes it seem like you want approval over their choice.

I get that you all want them to get to know each other but be prepared if some choose not to come and hang out.  I mean they are in a wedding together it isn't like they must become best friends or even know that much about each other.  Some may not even be interested in getting to know the other girls and that is not a bad thing.  As long as you are prepared that some of your BMs may not be interested then having a lunch together is fine but I would eliminate the shoe shopping.

That is good to hear about the jewelry and hair.  I would probably ask them what they would like in regards to jewelry, meaning a bracelet over a necklace or earrings over a bracelet, etc because everyone likes different jewelry for different parts of their body (for example I don't have pierced ears and necklaces bother me so I would prefer a bracelet).  No sense in you buying something that they don't like.

delujm0

Maggie makes a good point with the jewelry...ask them what they'd prefer to wear with their dress. Some girls love rings, some girls hate them...same with bracelets, earrings, etc. it is nice of you to cover that for them. Pass on the forced "getting to know each other" lunch. They don't need to be friends. Do a bridesmaid brunch the day of your rehearsal for them if it's super important. Otherwise, they can talk about any showers/bachelorette parties (should they choose to plan them for you) via email/text until the wedding weekend.

VesperLove

All great points, thanks ladies.

I really don't want them to think I need to approve anything. I have absolutely no "vision" of what their dresses/hair/jewelry should look like and I'm honored they are being BMs at all. I want to keep it as inexpensive and fun for them as possible. 

I'll leave the dresses be until we are much closer to the wedding -- as well as the shoes. One of the BMs though it would be a fun thing to do, but I do agree that it may seem like I'm trying to have my hand in their decisions and that some of them might not want a forced get together.

As for jewelry, I'm just going to ask them what they'd prefer -- to buy/wear their own or have me pick something for them ... and if they want me to pick something, I'll ask for ideas on what they like best. I did the same with hair -- asked if they'd even want me to cover that and already had one say "thanks but no thanks" because she has really difficult hair and doesn't want to trust someone else to it ... I can do the same with jewelry and see how it goes.

Thanks again for the input!