Invitation conundrum

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Our daughter is graduating from high school and we are planning a large celebration. We are inviting many people, not just family but friends from near and far, classmates, and teachers. Our daughter has been active in sports and has had a teammate who’s year younger. The girls have been on travel teams together and we have gotten close to the family. The moms have become good friends. The problem is the daughter. She has been a challenge and more so of late. She’s very loud and frequently inappropriate and abrasive with her words and behavior, to the point of making all around her uncomfortable. While our daughter would love to have the mom come to the party, she’s had it with the daughter and is afraid she will ruin her celebration. Not inviting them at all will certainly be perceived as a slight. What’s a parent to do?

—Perplexed Dad

pinkshorts27

mrs.conn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
Our daughter is graduating from high school and we are planning a large celebration. We are inviting many people, not just family but friends from near and far, classmates, and teachers. Our daughter has been active in sports and has had a teammate who’s year younger. The girls have been on travel teams together and we have gotten close to the family. The moms have become good friends. The problem is the daughter. She has been a challenge and more so of late. She’s very loud and frequently inappropriate and abrasive with her words and behavior, to the point of making all around her uncomfortable. While our daughter would love to have the mom come to the party, she’s had it with the daughter and is afraid she will ruin her celebration. Not inviting them at all will certainly be perceived as a slight. What’s a parent to do?

—Perplexed Dad

Teach your daughter to be gracious and invite them both. I think in this case mom and daughter are a social unit. She should invite both or neither, clearly she doesn't want to invite neither. It is a good adult moment to learn to be around people you don't like. 

tawillers

If mom and dad can't explain to her how to deal with people now, as a hs grad, imagine the guest list drama when it comes to her wedding.

What was Prudie's answer?

VarunaTT

I think this is really Dad's question, b/c he doesn't want to deal with kid, but wants the mom to come b/c they're friends.

And yeah, still a unit.  Teenagers are going through some crap, they've got big emotions/hormones in little bodies, they're like toddlers again.  As long as she's not bullying his daughter, I think he can cut some slack here.

dharmabunny

I will concur that in this scenario, the teen and parents are one social unit, invite all or none...

if this is really the daughter's request that (and not the father claiming it's his daughter's...which is something else)...why the hell should anyone be compelled to invite someone they actively DO NOT want at the party in their honor solely to maintain some kind of overall social equilibrium?

I mean, this is risk/benefit analysis. How the nuisance vs absence balance and their consequences works out is squarely in the daughter's court to figure out and follow through.

And honestly, how seismically slighted are the other teen's parents going to be over their kids hating each other? It's kinda friends of divorcees dynamics going on...but really? That axe-to-grind slighted?