XP: What should the wedding party wear??

lilacck28

I posted this on the Attire board, but I'm not sure that one gets much traffic... 

For background:

I've been bouncing ideas around with one usually very logical bridesmaid. I have three bridesmaids. First, I told them that I was not too concerned with them matching, and said that I think I'll end up just asking them to pick any dress they find that is  "mint, or peach, or light blue, or light pink,basically, a light color, and short", but that stressed her out. Too many options. So then I agreed that I would pick a few particular dresses out. 

FMIL recently bought one of my bridesmaid's (Fiance's sister, who is a minor)  a navy dress that I think is cute for an upcoming wedding where she is basically an "honorary bridesmaid".  I don't really want to make FMIL buy an expensive dress (or really any dress in particular). I can tell she does not want to. FMIL also recently bought FSIL a very cute bright orange floral dress that she thought would be for my wedding. But it's bright orange and seems like it would be hard to make work with two other girls... and... bright orange. I pointed out a david's bridal dress I liked that was lower in budget, and she said "that's so typical though." So, she likes picking out "unique" dresses for FSIL and I don't want to annoy FMIL by telling her to buy ANOTHER dress. 

So I said to bridesmaid #1, well, FSIL has a cute navy dress now, and I know you have a navy dress from a previous wedding, maybe I'll just ask you all to wear navy and short. And she said "but the navy colors won't match!! I don't want to look like the odd person out!" Can't win. (And I don't even want them to be too matchy matchy!) Going to stop talking about it with her, and just think about what I want to do, and only bring it up again in December when I actually need to tell them what to do. 

If I don't go with the navy dress idea, I'm obviously pretty nervous about talking to FMIL about getting a new dress, but I don't want her to wear the bright orange one. 

Question 1: I also don't think FMIL wants to buy my FBIL (Fiance's groomsman) a whole suit. She's grumbled about it. Fiance's cousin's wedding is coming up, so we want to be able to tell the groomsmen what to wear now so that FMIL can purchase something that he'll be wearing for both weddings. So, we think we're going to tell the groomsmen to wear navy sports coats/ blazers (is there a difference?). (FMIL would still have to purchase this, as FBIL owns nothing formal. FBIL is 21 years old, but FMIL would still probably be the one buying.) 

Should we tell them to get grey or khaki pants? Fiance has a grey suit that maybe he'd like to wear, or maybe he'll decide to match the groomsmen. Would khaki pants on the groomsmen look weird/ clash with him if he wears his grey suit? That bridesmaid I mentioned before said she prefers the look of khaki pants and navy blazers to grey pants and navy blazers. Thoughts on this? 

Question 2: Would there be way too much navy if I had bridesmaids in navy dresses and groomsmen in navy blazers? And are navy dresses not springy enough for a Sunday brunch wedding at the end of May? 

Thanks for all your future help.  I never thought figuring out what the wedding party would wear would be so mind boggling. and I'm sorry this became so long. I seem to be pretty verbose on these boards.

Side question: Am I bending over for FMIL too much? 

Lauderdale Pink

You are overloading, over thinking, and overly trying to please everyone, and all this will do is make you frustrated.  I can see that you are a very considerate person who will be an amazingly considerate bride who is currently at risk for being an amazingly sweet doormat.  FMIL needs to accept that there are certain expenses that come with having her other children as part of her son's wedding party.  If money is that much of an issue, you may want to ask her if she is sure she wants them to actually be in the wedding party at all.  Also, her son's wedding should take a step ahead of a cousin's wedding.  So YES you are bending over way, way, way too much for FMIL.
As for navy, it is a perfectly wonderful color for any season, provided that this is a color YOU want in your wedding.  And, why would she randomly pick a bright orange dress for YOUR wedding without even consulting? If the orange dress has not been worn, it may be returnable. 
So....take a deep breath, figure out what YOU want (which I am sure will be reasonable) and then let your wishes be known.  Nobody is forced to be in a wedding party.

delujm0

If you let FMIL steam roll you and have FSIL wear the bright orange dress that you don't even like the color of and stand up in your wedding party, you are setting a very dangerous precedent for the rest of FMIL's life.  If you roll over about everything now, she will likely become more pushy as the years go by and eventually you'll wind up getting resentful and snapping at her.  Do not allow that to happen.

 

I love navy for bridesmaids personally...i really like navy dresses with yellow and/or white flowers, i think that's a nice color scheme.  If you also like that color scheme, then deciding to go with that will at least save you SOME heartache with your FMIL.  Tell your other BM you don't think she will stand out - that you WANT everyone in different navys.  That might calm her down. 

 

I'm annoyed FOR you that FMIL didn't like an affordabe DB dress because it was "too typical."  She should consider herself lucky that you're being as flexible as you already are, because most brides would have picked one very typical BM dress option and told every girl to just go out and buy it.  It kind of sounds like she wants FSIL to stand out at your wedding, which obviously is impossible, as the only person that stands out is the bride, but it's annoying to me that she's acting that way toward you.  She sounds like the kind of woman who would turn up to her son's wedding wearing a floor length ivory gown because she is trying to pull attention from the bride (not possible, but some people will try it).

 

You need to put your foot down - decide what color scheme YOU want and tell the girls to buy dresses to coordinate with that.  If FSIL turns up in a bright orange dress when your color scheme is lilac and mint, she can be a guest instead of a BM that day.  The BM's only job is to buy a dress of the bride's choosing, so if that isn't done she is removed from the WP.

chibiyui

Do you have an actual color scheme, cause if so, I'd go with that. It isn't your fault FMIL bought a dress for FSIL for your wedding without your input. 

Navy is perfectly lovely though, and if you want FSIL to wear that, tell your other BMs to buy whatever navy dress they want, that way the shades and styles will vary and there will be no odd one out. Not that it would matter anyway.

I personally think a navy blazer goes better with kahaki pants then grey pants.

lilacck28

FMIL really is not that bad! She's been wonderful to me since I've known her, though I've gotten the impression that she thinks I'm making the wedding into too much of a " big thing". Maybe I'm being too sensitive? My mom got that impression as well though. Anyway... 

She likes bargain shopping a lot. As for the orange dress, she thought it was springy, and thought it would go well with the colors I mentioned. I don't think it would (and I'm the artist/ bride damnit! okay, got that out....) She did say that FSIL loves the dress so she's keeping it no matter what. So, door was open for me to say no to the dress... but it seemed like it would be very awkward to do so. So I just avoided. 

 I'm leaning more and more towards navy. I have always liked the color, and I wanted to do baby's breath bouquets which I think would look good with navy. I was initially worried it was too dark, but I'm getting over that. I'd rather it be easy with FMIL and this seems like a good "compromise" that won't require a long conversation or explaining myself.  

My only concern now is that with the possible navy blazers on the groomsmen, it will be TOO much navy. Thoughts? 

As for the guys... I talked to fiance. It will either be navy blazer and grey pants or some type of suit, whichever FBIL/ FMIL finds that they like better/ is less expensive. If it's a suit, should I specify colors? Fiance and my brother, one of the other groomsmen, both have a grey suit. Would a brown or navy or black suit look weird with those? No idea what colored suits the last groomsman has. I'm not a fan of really light colored suits.... I'm planning on mentioning that.  I really don't seem to have a preference between blazer vs. suit...  so I'm fine leaving that up to them. 

lilacck28

http://www.gulatibespoke.com/men_blazers.html I used that link to make up my mind about grey vs. khaki pants. Decided I like them both just fine, and grey leaves fiance more options.

lilacck28

chibiyui said:

Do you have an actual color scheme, cause if so, I'd go with that. It isn't your fault FMIL bought a dress for FSIL for your wedding without your input. 

Navy is perfectly lovely though, and if you want FSIL to wear that, tell your other BMs to buy whatever navy dress they want, that way the shades and styles will vary and there will be no odd one out. Not that it would matter anyway.

I personally think a navy blazer goes better with kahaki pants then grey pants.

Stuck in the box:

My color scheme was mint, peach, light periwinkle.... Don't think my bridesmaids were thrilled, even though I love those colors. I hope they're happier with navy, otherwise the shift is for nothing! I can still use those light colors for centerpieces, so I guess its really not a big deal. 

lilacck28

double post. oops. 

lilacck28

New question:

 Is it too much navy to have both bridesmaids and groomsmen wearing it? 

delujm0

if you want a good option for suits, and want everyone in the same color (or close) what we did was wait for one of those insane Jos. A. Bank sales where FI went in and bought 5 suits (for his GM) for what wound up being $99 each.  He then gave them each one and they covered their own alterations.  Everyone will be in the same suit (FI is wearing a different one though), and it was inexpensive.  However, we did actually pay for the suits for them.  If that's not in your budget this idea might not work for you.

 

FI was in a wedding last year where the groom was like "just wear your black suit."  Well, despite having a half dozen suits and working in finance, FI didn't own a plain black suit.  He has a few with pinstripes, which were shut down.  So we had to go out and buy a new suit anyway.  And then we found out that the GM were just processing in and recessing out but sitting in the crowd for the entire ceremony anyway, so it was pretty unlikely that anyone would have noticed if FI wore a black suit with faint pinstripes, which was annoying.  But whatever.  What I'm trying to say is: it's probably best to either let everyone go with whatever they already have and want to wear (and understanding that if you do this they will likely not match at all) or to require the same suit (especially if you can find a cheap option).

phira

Short answer: I do not think that's too much navy if you ask everyone to wear navy. And I think that with groomsmen, it looks weird if they're wearing pants and jackets that are different colors when the groom is wearing pants and a jacket that are the same color. Like @delujm0 said, Jos A Bank has NUTSO sales regularly. I recommend subscribing to their email alerts. We got one when we were 5 minutes away from a store and managed to score 2 suits plus alterations for under $500.

Long answer: One of the things about wedding planning that has been rough for me to learn is that I'm figuring out what I actually care about versus what I say I care about. Sometimes, it's that I'm misinterpreted (I care a LOT about the cake ... but to the surprise of every bakery we visited, I had zero ideas about what the cake would look like because I only cared about taste). Sometimes, I'm just wrong.

For example, I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid and made it 100% clear that it was okay if she said no, and that she could change her mind, etc. etc. whatever. And she took me at my word: she initially said no, then changed her mind, and then changed it back but still volunteered to participate in other ways. I was unbelievably upset. I really genuinely thought I was okay with that happening, but in reality, I really was not, and I should not have asked her.

In your case, it sounds like you genuinely believed you didn't care about match-iness, but now you kind of do. If you really didn't care at all, you wouldn't care about the orange dress looking too out of place, and you wouldn't be worried that the navy dress might be too much navy when factored in with the groomsmen's attire.

This is okay. I think there's a lot of shame when we try not to care about things that seem superficial when it comes to wedding planning. But you care, and that's okay.

And it's okay to override the concerns of your bridesmaids. It sounds like one of your bridesmaids is really upset at the idea of not matching perfectly. I'm not suggesting you snap at her and say, "GOOD I'M GLAD YOU WON'T MATCH." Instead, let her know: "It is easy on everyone and everyone's budgets for you to all wear navy dresses you already own. I know you're concerned about looking like you're an odd one out, but when I look back on my wedding photos, all I'll see is that you were standing up with me on my wedding day. If you're so uncomfortable with the dresses not matching perfectly, you are more than welcome to find another navy dress that you're more comfortable in. But I will not ask you to or insist that you do, and I don't do that for the other bridesmaids either."

lilacck28

Thank you all! I was driving myself crazy, and it really helps to hear thoughts from a supportive/ non-vested bunch. 

OliveOilsMom

If you are worried about the navy dresses going with your colors.  You could always have a peach sash to go on the dresses to tie them together (assuming the dresses the BMs get can have a sash added without it looking odd).  Then go with the baby's breath bouquets.

As for the guys, can you ask them if they already own either blue blazers or gray suits?  If anyone already owns either, then go with the majority.  That will lessen the burden on some of the GM to buy new clothes.

lilacck28

@oliveoilsmom : I know for a fact that 3 of the 4 guys (FI, my brother, FI's cousin) have grey suits. I know for a fact that 1 of them does not (and does not own any suits.) I also know for a fact that 2 of the 4 (FI and my brother) have navy blazers. I know for a fact that 1 (FBIL) does not. FI's cousin might have a navy blazer. The reasoning for the navy blazer was that it might be less money to buy than a whole suit. I'm going to leave suit vs blazer up to FI (right now he's neutral, as am I). If that doesn't change, and he's so easy going I doubt it will, I think I'll leave it up to FBIL/FMIL. Because they would be the ones purchasing either both a blazer and grey pants or a suit, whereas I know that FI's cousin has grey pants. Does that make sense, or am I making an error in logic? And your sash idea made me think of maybe having the florist wrap the baby's breath with a peach ribbon. Thank you! Any one know if florist's will accommodate requests like that, and if it costs much more? sorry, the knot is not letting me use paragraphs.

Lauderdale Pink

You just can't hope to settle on wedding attire/colors based on the "known wardrobe" of the party members.  If it does not matter to you whether or not they are all identical, then just put out a color and let it go at that.  I hope you do yoga because you are really twisting yourself into a pretzel .

Most folks who accept the invitation to be part of a wedding party do realize that there is somewhat of an expense associated with that.  Stop worrying so much and decide what you like.  The chips will fall where they fall.

chibiyui

lilacck28 said:

@oliveoilsmom : I know for a fact that 3 of the 4 guys (FI, my brother, FI's cousin) have grey suits. I know for a fact that 1 of them does not (and does not own any suits.) I also know for a fact that 2 of the 4 (FI and my brother) have navy blazers. I know for a fact that 1 (FBIL) does not. FI's cousin might have a navy blazer. The reasoning for the navy blazer was that it might be less money to buy than a whole suit. I'm going to leave suit vs blazer up to FI (right now he's neutral, as am I). If that doesn't change, and he's so easy going I doubt it will, I think I'll leave it up to FBIL/FMIL. Because they would be the ones purchasing either both a blazer and grey pants or a suit, whereas I know that FI's cousin has grey pants.

Does that make sense, or am I making an error in logic?

And your sash idea made me think of maybe having the florist wrap the baby's breath with a peach ribbon.

Thank you! Any one know if florist's will accommodate requests like that, and if it costs much more?

sorry, the knot is not letting me use paragraphs.

Bouquet wraps are usually included in price quotes, just ask to confirm.

Honestly, you can get a decent suit for 99 bucks during sales. A decent blazer is going to be 50 and up. The suit is in my opinion the more economical option.

Knottie46953285

lilacck28

@knottie46953285 I'm so curious about what you previously posted before you erased your comment!

RebeccaFlower

Is your wedding a full year away? I think you're definitely going over-load here, even though I completely understand that you're trying to be nice. I would re-visit attire in 3-4 months. Maybe in that time you could budget a small amount to help with the costs. 

lilacck28

RebeccaFlower said:

Is your wedding a full year away? I think you're definitely going over-load here, even though I completely understand that you're trying to be nice. I would re-visit attire in 3-4 months. Maybe in that time you could budget a small amount to help with the costs. 

That's the plan. I won't be making any final decisions until then, but it was driving me crazy having no sense of what I would do. And, as Phira suggested, the orange dress issue made me realize that I care about matching/ coordination more than I realized. As of now, I feel good about the navy dress solution. Less money for two of my bridesmaids, easier for me (rather than having to micromanage "you have peach, you have mint, you have blue. these dresses" which is what two of my bridesmaids were suggesting I needed to do, they will all just be in a shade of navy which will definitely look fine), and it will be a re-wearable dress for my last bridesmaid. As for the groomsmen... As I said above, I'll leave that up to FMIL since I don't have a preference between the options I have suggested. 

Alyssa18o6

I'm confused... when you accept to be part of the bridal party you obviously know there is going to cost to it, correct? So i'm confused why your FMIL is making an ordeal out of having to purchase attire for the wedding. If she was concerned about the cost she could of brought that up to you from the beginning so you could work something out. I feel bad that you had to change your color scheme because of that But anyways... I don't think it would be too much navy at all if you went with both the guys & girls in navy You could add things to break it up if you'd like.

lilacck28

Honestly, she didn't really expect or want us to have a wedding party at all. I think she sees that as me making the wedding into an ordeal, as you put it @alyssa18o6.