Why get married anyway?

luckya23

So did any of you actually surprise your parents, then?

bethsmiles

Kelani23 said:

So did any of you actually surprise your parents, then?

It will kind of be a surprise to our parents. BF isn't telling anyone beforehand (my request, I want at least a little time for just us to enjoy being engaged). But we've been together for almost 6 years so I don't think anyone will be really surprised, more like "finally! what took so long?"

GoldenPenguin

They were surprised when we got engaged, as in, they didn't know WHEN it was happening. It wasn't a surprise that we GOT engaged, they just didn't know the date.

luckya23

GoldenPenguin said:

FI didn't ask my parents for permission or a blessing. I told him explicitly that he didn't need to. I'm fucking 33 years old, we've been together for a while, and they knew we were ring shopping - if they had any concerns, they would have brought them up. 

Also, he proposed during the one week in the last like four months that I didn't have my nails done. And they STILL look like crap. The ring is so beautiful, no one even notices.

I actually haven't gotten my nails done since my sister's wedding almost 2 years ago!  I told SO dammit, now I will definitely at least have to keep them up until I get ring pics!

I love having my nails done, but it's just so expensive!  I did buy one of those home UV/shellac sets, but that doesn't help my nails to be stronger to be a little longer.

My nails are normally so blech though, I wish I had nice natural nails!

buddysmom80

GoldenPenguin said:

FI didn't ask my parents for permission or a blessing. I told him explicitly that he didn't need to. I'm fucking 33 years old, we've been together for a while, and they knew we were ring shopping - if they had any concerns, they would have brought them up. 

Also, he proposed during the one week in the last like four months that I didn't have my nails done. And they STILL look like crap. The ring is so beautiful, no one even notices.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, DAMMIT! 

bethsmiles

My nails always look like crap. I have a horrible habit of biting them when I'm stressed and I pick at the skin around my nails too. Right now my nails are crappily painted in a millionth attempt to break this habit.

GoldenPenguin

bethsmiles said:

My nails always look like crap. I have a horrible habit of biting them when I'm stressed and I pick at the skin around my nails too. Right now my nails are crappily painted in a millionth attempt to break this habit.

I'm a SERIOUS picker. It is a little less bad when I get them done, but I just haven't gone recently. The guy I always go to also yells at me about picking them, and a couple of them are extra bad right now, so I'm avoiding him.

lilacck28

Fiance's parents sort of had no clue? They were aware we were serious (we've lived together for two years) but Fiance never mentioned looking at rings, or our timeline, or marriage in general. But they also weren't too shocked. When his dad asked to speak with me on the phone he said something like "well, you've been living together, we knew this would happen eventually! we're so happy for you!"

eilis1228

loves2shop4shoes said:

I explicitly told DH, "This is not 1412 and I do not come with a goat.  Don't you DARE ask for permission.  If you insist on being traditional, you can ask for their BLESSING, and that's it."

So he asked my parents and brother for their blessing. 

@loves2shop4shoes LMAO BF always jokes with my step-dad that he's going to require a cow, some sheep, and some goats as a dowry. My step-dad laughs every time. Oi vey. 

I don't think he plans to ask for their PERMISSION, per se, but maybe for a blessing or just give them a heads up that it's coming. My mom already gave him the ring my father proposed to her with, but I don't know if or how BF will use that ring. I'm assuming my mother giving him the ring means that she's on board. lol

bethsmiles

GoldenPenguin said:

bethsmiles said:

My nails always look like crap. I have a horrible habit of biting them when I'm stressed and I pick at the skin around my nails too. Right now my nails are crappily painted in a millionth attempt to break this habit.

I'm a SERIOUS picker. It is a little less bad when I get them done, but I just haven't gone recently. The guy I always go to also yells at me about picking them, and a couple of them are extra bad right now, so I'm avoiding him.

I do that too! I feel like my nails need to be a some level of acceptable before I can get them done otherwise I get yelled at.

luckya23

lilacck28 said:

Fiance's parents sort of had no clue? They were aware we were serious (we've lived together for two years) but Fiance never mentioned looking at rings, or our timeline, or marriage in general. But they also weren't too shocked. When his dad asked to speak with me on the phone he said something like "well, you've been living together, we knew this would happen eventually! we're so happy for you!"

SO does not want to surprise his parents... I kind of think it would be fun to surprise mine!

labro

Both of our parents were sort of surprised. Not completely....they knew it would happen sooner or later...but FI never asked my parents outright for permission nor did he tell his parents he had bought a ring or that he was asking. He did show my mom and dad a picture of the band he was buying a couple of months before he asked me.

The last time I had my nails done before getting engaged was nearly a month before he asked me. I had French tips done for my sister's wedding and I probably STILL had nail polish remnants from that.

ShallowSeas

BreMR said:

Off topic here, but what has been everyone's experience with your FI asking your dad's permission prior to?  Obviously, my FI and I have been together for 12 years, and been living on our own for about 10 of them I didn't even think that my bf should have asked my dad for permission....  I'm my own adult woman now, taking care of myself and my blessing is what my bf needed.

I ask because when I called my dad to tell him about our engagement he did not seem excited at all, he's like "cool, congratulations." Maybe he's pissed, or maybe that's just my dad but that's a whole different bag of woes to open.

FI asked for my dad's blessing a couple days before he proposed. I didn't know he was going to ask my dad because its never something that we discussed and I wasn't aware that he had.  My dad wouldn't have been upset if FI hadn't asked, but my dad found it very respectful and FI got extra points for it I also thought it was very sweet.  I'm not sure if my BIL asked for his blessing before he proposed to my sister.

BreMR

I had been maintaining my nails for at least 3 months at home.  My nails were JUST painted the morning of my engagement.  Woo!! 

@severmilli I guess my FI could have gained a few extra points... my dad hasn't been around a lot in my life and he lives in Texas so my FI and dad barely know each other.

ShallowSeas

@BreMR If my dad hadn't been around a lot in my life and lived far away, I don't know that FI would've asked for his blessing.  My dad and I are really close and always have been, so FI probably assumed it was the right thing to do and something he and I would both appreciate. 

If he hasn't been in your life much, I wouldn't worry about it, especially if he and FI barely know each other. At least he congratulated you on it tho.

KeptInStitches

I told my parents when I was pretty sure it would be happening within a month. They weren't surprised but they were pleased.

phira

I don't think that J and I would be in a relationship if he were the type to even consider asking for permission, or if I were the type to want it. Obviously, he wouldn't have asked my dad, but he wasn't going to ask for anyone's permission or blessing. And I wouldn't have been okay with it anyway. I also didn't ask for his parents' blessing or permission.

It wasn't exactly a surprise when we announced our engagement. Pretty much everyone who knew us knew we were heading towards engagement and marriage within a few years of being together. His family had been expecting during their annual family vacation. My grandmother had been expecting it, too. So the exact "when" was a surprise, but the general timeline (dating about two years) surprised no one, and everyone figured we'd be getting engaged at some point.

Dignity100

My FI did NOT ask my parents permission.  When we started talking about getting engaged and ring shopping, I warned my mom that a wedding was coming so she could prepare herself mentally (my mom has some anxiety issues, so I wanted to warn her and let her get used to the idea).  She wasn't surprised when I told her that we were starting the conversations and looking at rings and such. 

I just got my nails done on Wed.  My nails are kind of nice (they hold a decent length pretty well without breaking) - so I'm trying shellac on them to see how well that holds up to see if it's a possibility for my wedding.  We have a manicurist that comes in on Tues/Wed at my work, so I need to make sure that the shellac will look good 1 week after getting them done, either that or I'll have to shell out double+ the price she charges to get them done closer to the wedding.

beanbot2002

lilacck28 said:

also, the whole "Wait till the man asks you THEN plan" thing is really annoying. People can mutually decide that they will get married and start to do some preliminary "planning" i.e. looking online , but still want a traditional proposal. Or not do a traditional proposal. Or the woman proposes and then they start planning. What makes a couple "engaged" is different for every couple.  They get to decide those terms. 

What is meant (and is understood by most here) is that one should wait until one is engaged to plan a wedding. OP doesn't (according to other threads on this board) consider her and her BF to be engaged. Whether one becomes engaged through being asked, or through a mutual agreement.  You don't start setting dates if you're not engaged. Horse then cart...horse then cart. If you're setting dates and consider yourself engaged then FANTASTIC! CONGRATULATIONS! But the whole "Well we're not engaged because we don't have a ring, but we're engaged enough to set dates" seems annoying to me. There are plenty of folks who have become 'officialy' engaged sans ring.

GuitarSlayer

Re: "Engaged"

I'm surprised there's a semantics debate about it, but ok -- here's mine.  By Christmas 2013, FI and I had said yes, we are going to get married by 2017 (when he's slated to finish his PhD).  I was given permission to dress hunt and figure out the legalities of us having a destination wedding.  We were not "officially" engaged because a) was not public; b) no dates set; c) no items purchased/reserved.

He popped the question early on me two weeks ago; I thought it would be coming toward August or December of this year, not NOW (good on him for surprising me).  That's now public, and we've got a narrower date range set (December 2015/January 2016 or July 2016).  Prior to engagement, it was if we were discussing a trade in fantasy football.  It was more abstract -- we knew we wanted to get married, but no specifics were really discussed. 

Re: Permissions

FI is from Texas.  FI asked me if he should ask my father for permission. I told that if he did that, my Brooklyn-born-and-raised father would come kill him, because the Old Man would think that a) I had already said no; b) FI had gotten me pregnant, wanted to make me an honest woman, and wanted to make sure I'd say yes; c) some permutation of the two selections above, all resulting in FI's death.   All was well after we announced the engagement, sans 'permissions.'

Swazzle

GuitarSlayer said:

Re: "Engaged"

I'm surprised there's a semantics debate about it, but ok -- here's mine.  By Christmas 2013, FI and I had said yes, we are going to get married by 2017 (when he's slated to finish his PhD).  I was given permission to dress hunt and figure out the legalities of us having a destination wedding.  We were not "officially" engaged because a) was not public; b) no dates set; c) no items purchased/reserved.

He popped the question early on me two weeks ago; I thought it would be coming toward August or December of this year, not NOW (good on him for surprising me).  That's now public, and we've got a narrower date range set (December 2015/January 2016 or July 2016).  Prior to engagement, it was if we were discussing a trade in fantasy football.  It was more abstract -- we knew we wanted to get married, but no specifics were really discussed. 

Re: Permissions

FI is from Texas.  FI asked me if he should ask my father for permission. I told that if he did that, my Brooklyn-born-and-raised father would come kill him, because the Old Man would think that a) I had already said no; b) FI had gotten me pregnant, wanted to make me an honest woman, and wanted to make sure I'd say yes; c) some permutation of the two selections above, all resulting in FI's death.   All was well after we announced the engagement, sans 'permissions.'

Uh, yea, that's usually how it works. 

You set a date and book venues/purchase items when you get engaged. There is STILL no such thing as "officially engaged". You are engaged or you are not engaged. This is NOT a difficult concept. 

Why the hell is there such a need to create some new, fake label for your relationship in between "in a relationship" and "engaged"? 

I won't even touch on the "I was given permission" part because I just... can't.

GuitarSlayer

Swazzle said:

Why the hell is there such a need to create some new, fake label for your relationship in between "in a relationship" and "engaged"? 

I won't even touch on the "I was given permission" part because I just... can't.

Is the first bit addressed to me?  If so, I wasn't trying to give myself a new brand name thingy -- I was trying to explain my definition of not engaged/engaged in relation to the earlier discussion in the thread.  Apparently, there is more debate about the definition than I was aware of.

Second matter:  I asked his permission to scout because sorting out legalities and viewing dresses is a step toward making things concrete.  Real.  No more fantasy football.  Some guys are fine with discussing it until the bride actually starts doing preliminary research (or making Pinterest boards >_>); then it's like, "don't do that, I'm not ready!"  FI was fine with me figuring out what was needed legally and looking at dresses (partially because we watched way too much SYTTD together).  So I did it. 

Swazzle

buddysmom80

GuitarSlayer said:

Swazzle said:

Why the hell is there such a need to create some new, fake label for your relationship in between "in a relationship" and "engaged"? 

I won't even touch on the "I was given permission" part because I just... can't.

Is the first bit addressed to me?  If so, I wasn't trying to give myself a new brand name thingy -- I was trying to explain my definition of not engaged/engaged in relation to the earlier discussion in the thread.  Apparently, there is more debate about the definition than I was aware of.

Second matter:  I asked his permission to scout because sorting out legalities and viewing dresses is a step toward making things concrete.  Real.  No more fantasy football.  Some guys are fine with discussing it until the bride actually starts doing preliminary research (or making Pinterest boards >_>); then it's like, "don't do that, I'm not ready!"  FI was fine with me figuring out what was needed legally and looking at dresses (partially because we watched way too much SYTTD together).  So I did it. 

It doesn't take that long to do the research for legalities of weddings in other places. When FI and I got engaged we looked up the requirements in Mexico and this new-fangled internet told us what we would have to do. It took us literally two minutes. I didn't do it before we were engaged, I waited because it's OUR wedding. Also in regards to dresses, trends may change and your taste may change, so I would wait on that too.

FWIW I know people who planned weddings in three months after getting engaged, there's no need in this day and age to do "soft-planning".

GuitarSlayer

I would not trivialize prepping in advance -- sucks to get there only to find out you can't get married because a week of residency is required before 3 weeks of reading of the banns!  I'm a legal resident but not a citizen in our location -- here on visa.  We had to consult with lawyers to see if I could legally marry while here on visa.  He also has to get a visa -albeit a different one -- in order to visit the country to marry.  We also had to figure out how the reading of the banns would work, since they must be done 3 weeks before but after 1 week of residence by both parties no more than a year before the wedding. 

Again, this took about 3 weeks to work out, because the UK Home Office is deliberately vague about certain things such as marriage while on a student visa in the UK.  If we were unable to get married in the UK, then that would have impacted our "by 2017" idea.  It's a lot more complicated than Mexico is -- UK reqs and paperwork have undergone many immigration changes since the Tory-LD coalition came in.

Swazzle

GuitarSlayer said:

I would not trivialize prepping in advance -- sucks to get there only to find out you can't get married because a week of residency is required before 3 weeks of reading of the banns!  I'm a legal resident but not a citizen in our location -- here on visa.  We had to consult with lawyers to see if I could legally marry while here on visa.  He also has to get a visa -albeit a different one -- in order to visit the country to marry.  We also had to figure out how the reading of the banns would work, since they must be done 3 weeks before but after 1 week of residence by both parties no more than a year before the wedding. 

Again, this took about 3 weeks to work out, because the UK Home Office is deliberately vague about certain things such as marriage while on a student visa in the UK.  If we were unable to get married in the UK, then that would have impacted our "by 2017" idea.  It's a lot more complicated than Mexico is -- UK reqs and paperwork have undergone many immigration changes since the Tory-LD coalition came in.

GuitarSlayer

I'm sorry for excluding you, @Swazzle.  That last bit was directed at @buddysmom80.  I think there's been a misunderstanding.  I'm not arguing for a third position -- a space between 'being boyfriend-girlfriend' and 'engaged.'   I consider all the early, unspecific wedding talk to be part of the relationship, not 'unofficially engaged' or anything.  We were not engaged until I said yes to his proposal.  However, certain couples have to do some research and planning before they are engaged.  They are not "engaged to be engaged" -- they're still just boyfriend-girlfriend.  The research is necessary pre-engagement because, in my opinion, there is no point in being engaged if there is no way to be legally married or if there is no intent of being married at all (that is, the engagement is solely a status symbol). 

As a student in the UK, it's apparently against the terms of my visa for me to marry a British citizen.  The visa wasn't specific as to whether I could marry an American citizen on UK soil.  There was no point in being engaged unless I could actually get married.  So yes, I asked the FI if he was serious about getting married in the relatively near future and whether I should do the legal homework before we were engaged...because being engaged with no ability or intent to be married is sort of silly, in my opinion.  If my research had said 'no wedding possible,' we'd still be lovers/partners/boyfriend-girlfriend looking toward marriage, but not "engaged to be engaged" or "engaged."  Once we found out it was legal, he popped the question.  Bam, engaged.   Sorry for any miscommunication or aggravation on my part.  Not sorry about looking at pretty dresses early though.

buddysmom80

GuitarSlayer said:

I'm sorry for excluding you, @Swazzle.  That last bit was directed at @buddysmom80.  I think there's been a misunderstanding.  I'm not arguing for a third position -- a space between 'being boyfriend-girlfriend' and 'engaged.'   I consider all the early, unspecific wedding talk to be part of the relationship, not 'unofficially engaged' or anything.  We were not engaged until I said yes to his proposal.  However, certain couples have to do some research and planning before they are engaged.  They are not "engaged to be engaged" -- they're still just boyfriend-girlfriend.  The research is necessary pre-engagement because, in my opinion, there is no point in being engaged if there is no way to be legally married or if there is no intent of being married at all (that is, the engagement is solely a status symbol). 

As a student in the UK, it's apparently against the terms of my visa for me to marry a British citizen.  The visa wasn't specific as to whether I could marry an American citizen on UK soil.  There was no point in being engaged unless I could actually get married.  So yes, I asked the FI if he was serious about getting married in the relatively near future and whether I should do the legal homework before we were engaged...because being engaged with no ability or intent to be married is sort of silly, in my opinion.  If my research had said 'no wedding possible,' we'd still be lovers/partners/boyfriend-girlfriend looking toward marriage, but not "engaged to be engaged" or "engaged."  Once we found out it was legal, he popped the question.  Bam, engaged.   Sorry for any miscommunication or aggravation on my part.  Not sorry about looking at pretty dresses early though.

 

SITB:

 

You could've done all this research when you get engaged, that was my point. Especially if you're looking at having a wedding two or three years from now.

GuitarSlayer

@buddysmom80, my point is, if I can't legally get married in my present situation, I can't be engaged.  If I had said, "yes, I will marry you!"  and then found out that it was legally impossible, then I'd have to break that engagement.  It'd be the same if my (theoretical) divorce hadn't gone though -- how can I be engaged when I can't legally wed someone?

beanbot2002

I fail to see how "Sorry, we can't wed here in the UK, but I can marry you someplace else, or some other time than what we had originally thought of" means that you have to break the engagement. In fact, it doesn't say that. It says "Yo, we gotta change the plans for what we wanted." 

Both this baby and Bob Dylan side eye the ever loving Eff out of that ridiculous round about non explanation for 'looking at pretty dresses' and preplanning: