Is it just me? (Sister's wedding rant)

beanbot2002

FOR FUCKS SAKE PLEASE STOP USING 'MANPANION'. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!!! GOD!

labro

My input as someone who's younger sister started dating, got engaged, and then married all before I got engaged and married even though our relationship was nearly a year older than hers.

1. She has absolutely zero right to tell you when it's acceptable for you to get engaged so you don't "steal her thunder". Your engagement is COMPLETELY up to you and your SO. She gets one day! I think the only possible way you could somehow steal her thunder would be if your SO got down in the middle of the dance floor at her wedding or interrupted a speech or something.

With that said:

2. Get over it. So what that she's getting engaged and married before you? Who cares? This isn't a race to be the most married or something.

3. What gives with the birthday thing? It kind of sucks that as someone who I would normally consider a VIP guest (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) that she didn't ask you your availability first but she may have had limited options at the venue of her choice and had to just run with it. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here. I don't think it's a very big deal.

4. You are her SISTER! So try to act a little bit more like one. Sure, my sister and I butted heads a couple of times during her engagement over WR related stuff but she knew even then how much I loved her and supported her. It really seems like you're going a bit overboard on the whole "waahhh my sister got engaged before me" business. I won't lie...I felt a tiny bit of jealousy when I found out my sister was engaged but they were also on a different relationship timeline than me and my FI were and that's ok. IMO/UO It's ok to feel a little bit jealous for a second but you need to put it away now and just be happy for your sister and have fun planning her wedding with her and participating as a bridesmaid.

Yes it sucks that your sister gave her friend your contact info. It also sucks that you found out about being a bridesmaid through said friend instead of your sister asking her. That's a pretty big oversight in my book. You should've called her instead of your mom though.

Emmyghoul

Update: just got off the phone with my sis. She called me. I let her lead the conversation. Catching up first, me saying that yeah, I miss talking. I sent a text over a week ago and never heard back. Yeah sorry, did you see we picked a date? Yup. So is so pissed (dripping with sarcasm and laughing as I said it) why? Well, it's his bday. Oh really? Oops. Didn't think to seev what anyone might be doing. Yeah, well, there will be booze right? Yup. Ok, he'll live. lol.

Then she did ask me to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course, and that I got the text from her friend and was a bit confused since we hadn't talked. She said it was just assumed, I said I had too, but I didn't want to jump the gun, since bp is her choice.

I also threw in that hey- I'd really appreciate a heads up if you're giving my number to someone. It's a pet peeve of mine. She didn't get it, but said she'd try to keep it in mind. I reiterated that I know it's a crazy pet peeve, but she knows I'm crazy.

Best part about the talk was just talking to her again. We used to set time aside to talk at least once a week, normally more, and it's been months since we've had a chane to talk alone. I've definitely missed it, and it seems she has too.

Thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It really did help me get my head on straight.

loves2shop4shoes

So you threw in that your BF is pissed about the date...and that you're pissed that she gave out your phone number for the BP to use?  Joking or not, you just HAD to get that in there, didn't you?  So much for picking your battles.

Face*palm

You are helpless.

BreMR

I have a cousin who is like a sister to me, we grew up together with single moms who were sisters who spent no less than 5 days a week together.  She is three years younger than me and when she text me last year a picture of her engagement ring saying "Will you be my maid of honor?"  I got the chills and I cried and I felt nothing but excitement for her even though I was 11 years into a relationship with someone and she was 2 years into one.    When we went dress shopping, I was the first person to burst into tears of happiness about her looking like a bride.

I 100% understand feeling envious about people getting married, but you're letting your jealousy and your anger sabotage what you say was a good relationship with your sister.   Try not to be petty, and enjoy these moments with your sister!!  Soon, it seems, you will be getting married and your sister will remember how you behaved,  and she may act the same way towards you.

Blue & White

How have you not talked to your sister in months if you're so close?

I have 3 younger siblings. We are getting married in the following order: 3,1,4,2.

We kinda love all the SOs.

beanbot2002

Emmyghoul said:

Update: just got off the phone with my sis. She called me. I let her lead the conversation. Catching up first, me saying that yeah, I miss talking. I sent a text over a week ago and never heard back. Yeah sorry, did you see we picked a date? Yup. So is so pissed (dripping with sarcasm and laughing as I said it) why? Well, it's his bday. Oh really? Oops. Didn't think to seev what anyone might be doing. Yeah, well, there will be booze right? Yup. Ok, he'll live. lol. Then she did ask me to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course, and that I got the text from her friend and was a bit confused since we hadn't talked. She said it was just assumed, I said I had too, but I didn't want to jump the gun, since bp is her choice. I also threw in that hey- I'd really appreciate a heads up if you're giving my number to someone. It's a pet peeve of mine. She didn't get it, but said she'd try to keep it in mind. I reiterated that I know it's a crazy pet peeve, but she knows I'm crazy. Best part about the talk was just talking to her again. We used to set time aside to talk at least once a week, normally more, and it's been months since we've had a chane to talk alone. I've definitely missed it, and it seems she has too. Thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It really did help me get my head on straight.

You're a jerk. There I said it.

500days

beanbot2002 said:

Emmyghoul said:

Update: just got off the phone with my sis. She called me. I let her lead the conversation. Catching up first, me saying that yeah, I miss talking. I sent a text over a week ago and never heard back. Yeah sorry, did you see we picked a date? Yup. So is so pissed (dripping with sarcasm and laughing as I said it) why? Well, it's his bday. Oh really? Oops. Didn't think to seev what anyone might be doing. Yeah, well, there will be booze right? Yup. Ok, he'll live. lol. Then she did ask me to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course, and that I got the text from her friend and was a bit confused since we hadn't talked. She said it was just assumed, I said I had too, but I didn't want to jump the gun, since bp is her choice. I also threw in that hey- I'd really appreciate a heads up if you're giving my number to someone. It's a pet peeve of mine. She didn't get it, but said she'd try to keep it in mind. I reiterated that I know it's a crazy pet peeve, but she knows I'm crazy. Best part about the talk was just talking to her again. We used to set time aside to talk at least once a week, normally more, and it's been months since we've had a chane to talk alone. I've definitely missed it, and it seems she has too. Thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It really did help me get my head on straight.

You're a jerk. There I said it.

Just read the entire thread. To what @beanbot2002 bolded in your post: OMG MY SKIN IS CRAWLING! You said that they do not get along, why on earth would you include that? Not helping that out at all...

GoldenPenguin

Yea, you are so ridiculously passive-aggressive it's not even funny. I'm doubting the amount of sarcasm that was "dripping" off of your comment, considering you're only qualifying it that way because others called you out on the ridiculousness of your SO's issues. 

lilacck28

I had aunts and uncles (from my side and Fiance's side) complain about our date for various reasons that do not trouble me. They like to complain. It really pissed me off, because they were just saying things to be annoying. They were not actual conflicts, or expressions of sadness over a conflict.  Whatever, don't come if you're annoyed at the date. I had constraints to work around (summer break, when brother gets back from school, etc.) so we found a date/ weekend that  worked for our VIPs, and then heard complaints. I'm sure your sister, OP also had constraints to work around and didn't appreciate the snide remark, and it certainly won't help you work towards having a better relationship. 

Also... yeah, your SO is being a baby about the birthday thing. He can 1. not go or 2. go and not make a scene. 

Maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite though. I chose my uncle's birthday for my wedding date. Didn't realize at the time. My uncle is an adult and doesn't care. My grandmother was like "I"ll have the dj play happy birthday during your reception!". Maybe I'm a brat, but I don't want to sing happy birthday to my uncle during my wedding reception. I want my one day! I figure we can have a cake and sing the night before. 

cu97tiger

GoldenPenguin said:

Yea, you are so ridiculously passive-aggressive it's not even funny. I'm doubting the amount of sarcasm that was "dripping" off of your comment, considering you're only qualifying it that way because others called you out on the ridiculousness of your SO's issues. 

THIS. You're an adult, you might want to try acting like one. Your sister, whether she gets along with your BF or not, does not owe it to him to check whether her potential wedding date works for him. Especially since most people would be like 'YESSSSS big party on my birthday with cake!' instead of fucking waaaaahing about it.

bethsmiles

lilacck28 said:

I had aunts and uncles (from my side and Fiance's side) complain about our date for various reasons that do not trouble me. They like to complain. It really pissed me off, because they were just saying things to be annoying. They were not actual conflicts, or expressions of sadness over a conflict.  Whatever, don't come if you're annoyed at the date. I had constraints to work around (summer break, when brother gets back from school, etc.) so we found a date/ weekend that  worked for our VIPs, and then heard complaints. I'm sure your sister, OP also had constraints to work around and didn't appreciate the snide remark, and it certainly won't help you work towards having a better relationship. 

Also... yeah, your SO is being a baby about the birthday thing. He can 1. not go or 2. go and not make a scene. 

Maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite though. I chose my uncle's birthday for my wedding date. Didn't realize at the time. My uncle is an adult and doesn't care. My grandmother was like "I"ll have the dj play happy birthday during your reception!". Maybe I'm a brat, but I don't want to sing happy birthday to my uncle during my wedding reception. I want my one day! I figure we can have a cake and sing the night before. 

That is a little bratty. It takes 2 minutes to sing happy birthday to someone. I doubt everyone will forget about you in those 2 minutes.

GoldenPenguin

lilacck28 said:

I had aunts and uncles (from my side and Fiance's side) complain about our date for various reasons that do not trouble me. They like to complain. It really pissed me off, because they were just saying things to be annoying. They were not actual conflicts, or expressions of sadness over a conflict.  Whatever, don't come if you're annoyed at the date. I had constraints to work around (summer break, when brother gets back from school, etc.) so we found a date/ weekend that  worked for our VIPs, and then heard complaints. I'm sure your sister, OP also had constraints to work around and didn't appreciate the snide remark, and it certainly won't help you work towards having a better relationship. 

Also... yeah, your SO is being a baby about the birthday thing. He can 1. not go or 2. go and not make a scene. 

Maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite though. I chose my uncle's birthday for my wedding date. Didn't realize at the time. My uncle is an adult and doesn't care. My grandmother was like "I"ll have the dj play happy birthday during your reception!". Maybe I'm a brat, but I don't want to sing happy birthday to my uncle during my wedding reception. I want my one day! I figure we can have a cake and sing the night before. 

1. Yes, you're a brat.

2. Tell your grandmother "No." 

3. Tell your DJ that under no circumstances is he to play "Happy Birthday," if it's really that big of a deal to you.

lilacck28

Yeah, I know its bratty. I have a year, I'll probably get over it. Though, to be fair, I asked my mom if we should do this and she said "are you kidding me? My brother would hate that!"

bethsmiles

lilacck28 said:

Yeah, I know its bratty. I have a year, I'll probably get over it. Though, to be fair, I asked my mom if we should do this and she said "are you kidding me? My brother would hate that!"

It's fine if your uncle wouldn't like it. You don't have to do it. But the reason you gave for not doing it is bratty and sounds like a little girl stomping her feet saying it's all about me!!

Swazzle

You don't sound like a very nice person.

lilacck28

That's totally because I was being bratty! 

bethsmiles said:

lilacck28 said:

Yeah, I know its bratty. I have a year, I'll probably get over it. Though, to be fair, I asked my mom if we should do this and she said "are you kidding me? My brother would hate that!"

It's fine if your uncle wouldn't like it. You don't have to do it. But the reason you gave for not doing it is bratty and sounds like a little girl stomping her feet saying it's all about me!!

No, I completely acknowledge that, and I did so right from the get go. I should not have used the word "maybe." I felt like a brat, I knew my feelings were because I was selfish. I didn't tell my grandmother no. I told my mother I felt weird about it. In fact, I shared my bratty moment because I felt guilty about it, and was ready for chastisement. Sometimes bratty feelings happen. 

phira

If my ex-SIL were still coming to our wedding, we'd probably sing her happy birthday (if she wanted that), and at the very least would have a little gift for her. I mostly feel bad because there are, like, six or seven guest birthdays within a week of our wedding.

lilacck28

phira said:

If my ex-SIL were still coming to our wedding, we'd probably sing her happy birthday (if she wanted that), and at the very least would have a little gift for her. I mostly feel bad because there are, like, six or seven guest birthdays within a week of our wedding.

Yeah, I'll probably ask my uncle if he wants to do the candle/ cake/ happy birthday thing ... or maybe I'll ask my aunt first, in case she discloses that he likes surprises? That's all pretty doubtful. We're kind of a shy bunch. Knowing my uncle, I was shocked my grandma suggested it, but she's been suggesting some cooky/ out of character things lately. 

To be clear, I'm not proud of my bratty gut reaction. 

bethsmiles

Maybe it's just because I don't really get into celebrating my own birthday but I just don't see a birthday as a good enough reason to move a wedding date.

You get cake either way!

Birthdays are all about cake right?!

Swazzle

I would LOVE to be invited to a wedding on my birthday. 

Free booze? Free cake? Dancing? Best birthday ever!

phira

@bethsmiles CAKE FOREVER.

Anyway.

OP, what I think is going on is that you are worried about your sister and you don't know how to handle it. Or, you're not sure how to handle it, and so your attempts to handle it are going wildly awry.

Basically--you and your sister do not have a great relationship, and it feels like she's making a mistake marrying this person. When she's in a relationship with him, she's even more distant and isolated from you.

Being petty and passive-aggressive and sarcastic is absolutely, without a doubt, the worst way you can handle this situation. Want your sister to know you love her and support her? Tell her. "Hey, I know that I've been kind of an asshole lately. I think I'm just feeling bummed because [SO] and I aren't engaged yet. Anyway, I need to deal with that disappointment on my own. I'm really happy and excited for you, and I'm sorry that I didn't let that show very well."

You don't have to lie and gush about how GREAT her future spouse is. You don't have to argue with her about how you can get engaged whenever the fuck you want to (although you can still get engaged whenever the fuck you want to). But the more you disapprove of this relationship, the more you act unsupportive of her marriage, the more she will pull away from you.

sophhabobopha