OP deleted.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

zitiqueen

courtneyhindo said:

As long as I can remember, I've always said I wanted to have Co-Maids of Honor when I got married so that I could have my sister and my BFF. My sister and I are close, but not best friends. We often have a strained relationship and she does not live in the same state as I do. I can't really explain it, but I just don't have the same connection to her that I have to some of my friends and she isn't really "into" a ton of wedding talk. Every time I ask her opinion on an idea I have, she doesn't like it and doesn't have anything positive to say.

When I first asked my sister to be MOH, I mentioned I was thinking about a 2nd MOH and asked what she thought. She said I could do whatever I wanted, but she didn't think it would be necessary. 3 months later, my sister has not been able to attend any of our appointments or planning sessions. She's also not the type of person to spend an hour discussing napkin colors, whereas my BFF is. My BFF has come to everything so far, is helping plan and really taking on a lot. She would never think of asking for the MOH title and she doesn't expect it.

Yesterday, I said to my sister that I really thought it was fair & right to ask my BFF to be a Co-MOH. I explained my reasons; my sister can't be here for the little, daily things. She will still stand next to me, give the speech at the wedding and help plan the bachelorette. It will be less work for her. And honestly, this is purely what I want. 

Understandably, my sister was upset. She said this is the most hurt she has ever been in her life and she can't believe I am taking this away from her. She says she knows we aren't THAT close, but that a sister should always be the MOH no matter what. You guys don't know my sister, but she is one of those people that is always concerned about herself and how a situation affects her. Not once did she say she would go along with it for my sake. I was very calm at first but gradually started getting irritated, because I felt like if she truly wanted what was best for me and wanted me to have what I want for my wedding (trying not to play that card a lot), she would just do it. She now has backed out of plans we have this weekend and refuses to speak to me. She said she will let me know if she still wants to be in the wedding at all. 

I genuinely feel terrible that she's upset. I don't want this experience to be ruined for her. But I also think I should be able to make the decision I want. I know that I can say "ok, nevermind, I won't have anyone else" but then I feel like she is bullying me into getting HER way (something she does a lot with various people). 

Comments, ideas, suggestions?

It sounds like your sister is behaving no differently than she ever has. Why were you expecting anything different?

zitiqueen

zitiqueen said:

courtneyhindo said:

As long as I can remember, I've always said I wanted to have Co-Maids of Honor when I got married so that I could have my sister and my BFF. My sister and I are close, but not best friends. We often have a strained relationship and she does not live in the same state as I do. I can't really explain it, but I just don't have the same connection to her that I have to some of my friends and she isn't really "into" a ton of wedding talk. Every time I ask her opinion on an idea I have, she doesn't like it and doesn't have anything positive to say.

When I first asked my sister to be MOH, I mentioned I was thinking about a 2nd MOH and asked what she thought. She said I could do whatever I wanted, but she didn't think it would be necessary. 3 months later, my sister has not been able to attend any of our appointments or planning sessions. She's also not the type of person to spend an hour discussing napkin colors, whereas my BFF is. My BFF has come to everything so far, is helping plan and really taking on a lot. She would never think of asking for the MOH title and she doesn't expect it.

Yesterday, I said to my sister that I really thought it was fair & right to ask my BFF to be a Co-MOH. I explained my reasons; my sister can't be here for the little, daily things. She will still stand next to me, give the speech at the wedding and help plan the bachelorette. It will be less work for her. And honestly, this is purely what I want. 

Understandably, my sister was upset. She said this is the most hurt she has ever been in her life and she can't believe I am taking this away from her. She says she knows we aren't THAT close, but that a sister should always be the MOH no matter what. You guys don't know my sister, but she is one of those people that is always concerned about herself and how a situation affects her. Not once did she say she would go along with it for my sake. I was very calm at first but gradually started getting irritated, because I felt like if she truly wanted what was best for me and wanted me to have what I want for my wedding (trying not to play that card a lot), she would just do it. She now has backed out of plans we have this weekend and refuses to speak to me. She said she will let me know if she still wants to be in the wedding at all. 

I genuinely feel terrible that she's upset. I don't want this experience to be ruined for her. But I also think I should be able to make the decision I want. I know that I can say "ok, nevermind, I won't have anyone else" but then I feel like she is bullying me into getting HER way (something she does a lot with various people). 

Comments, ideas, suggestions?

It sounds like your sister is behaving no differently than she ever has. Why were you expecting anything different?

Also, everything I bolded? There are no "duties" for the MOH other than to show up for the wedding in her dress and smile for the pictures. Everything else, like planning the wedding? That's on you and your FI. If she wants to help you, great. But she is not required to do anything you.

zitiqueen

The Knot is being assy.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

That wasn't really helpful at all

Maggie0829

courtneyhindo said:

As long as I can remember, I've always said I wanted to have Co-Maids of Honor when I got married so that I could have my sister and my BFF. My sister and I are close, but not best friends. We often have a strained relationship and she does not live in the same state as I do. I can't really explain it, but I just don't have the same connection to her that I have to some of my friends and she isn't really "into" a ton of wedding talk. Every time I ask her opinion on an idea I have, she doesn't like it and doesn't have anything positive to say.

When I first asked my sister to be MOH, I mentioned I was thinking about a 2nd MOH and asked what she thought. She said I could do whatever I wanted, but she didn't think it would be necessary. 3 months later, my sister has not been able to attend any of our appointments or planning sessions. She's also not the type of person to spend an hour discussing napkin colors, whereas my BFF is. My BFF has come to everything so far, is helping plan and really taking on a lot. She would never think of asking for the MOH title and she doesn't expect it.

Yesterday, I said to my sister that I really thought it was fair & right to ask my BFF to be a Co-MOH. I explained my reasons; my sister can't be here for the little, daily things. She will still stand next to me, give the speech at the wedding and help plan the bachelorette. It will be less work for her. And honestly, this is purely what I want. 

Understandably, my sister was upset. She said this is the most hurt she has ever been in her life and she can't believe I am taking this away from her. She says she knows we aren't THAT close, but that a sister should always be the MOH no matter what. You guys don't know my sister, but she is one of those people that is always concerned about herself and how a situation affects her. Not once did she say she would go along with it for my sake. I was very calm at first but gradually started getting irritated, because I felt like if she truly wanted what was best for me and wanted me to have what I want for my wedding (trying not to play that card a lot), she would just do it. She now has backed out of plans we have this weekend and refuses to speak to me. She said she will let me know if she still wants to be in the wedding at all. 

I genuinely feel terrible that she's upset. I don't want this experience to be ruined for her. But I also think I should be able to make the decision I want. I know that I can say "ok, nevermind, I won't have anyone else" but then I feel like she is bullying me into getting HER way (something she does a lot with various people). 

Comments, ideas, suggestions?

Okay, first the only duties of a MOH is to buy the dress and show up presentable and sober on your wedding day.  The title of the MOH is honor for the person that you chose to be a MOH not a person that is supposed to help you plan your wedding and attend every appointment.  If you want someone like that then you need to hire a wedding planner.

Second, I could see how your sister's feelings would be hurt by you choosing to ask this other girl, who apparently loves wedding planning, to be a co-MOH for the sole purpose that she has been your "wedding planning assistant."  Just because this person helps you with things does not mean that she should also get the title of MOH.  If you had wanted her to be one of your MOH's then you should have just asked her from the get go.  Now it just seems like you want to "promote" her because she has been more helpful then your sister.

Again, your wedding party should have no work to do except to purchase the chosen attire.  Any pre-wedding parties (showers, bach parties, etc) are completely optional and anyone can throw you those if they wish, not just the MOH or other bridal party members.

And to the bolded.  This makes you sound incredibly entitled.  We all wanted certain things for our wedding but that doesn't mean we get them and it certainly doesn't make the people close to us horrible people if they don't fulfill our wishes or visions.

I would put yourself in your sister's shoes.  All she is getting from what you are doing is that she is being punished because she isn't into the whole wedding planning stuff as your friend and she is also being punished because she isn't living up to your expectations of what a MOH is meant to do.

Look, weddings tend to bring out the crazy in people.  Do you really want to let this one day possibly ruin or severely hurt the relationship you have with your sister?  I know that you said that you aren't super close but will you be find with having no relationship with her at all?  Because that is exactly what will happen if you keep up this way of thinking.

If you want this other girl to be your co-MOH then ask her.  You don't need your sisters permission. But choose this girl because she is one of your nearest and dearest not just because she likes talking napkin colors for hours on end.  As your sister goes, I would apologize to her for letting the wedding craziness go to your head.  Tell her that you love her and that the only thing that matters to you is that she is standing up with you on your wedding day.  Then leave it at that.  If she doesn't want to help plan anything then that is fine.  If she does want to help well then that is icing on the cake.

Just take a moment and step away from the wedding industry bull crap and realize that in the end your wedding is one day out of many in your life.  That one day isn't more important then the relationships you have with your family and friends because once the day is over life goes back to normal for you and you don't want to wake up and realize you really fucked some relationships up.

lbuet348

I think MOH is just a title, but I know some take it more seriously. If a bridesmaid takes on more duties and wants to help without the Co-MOH title, then why does she need it? Some people just aren't into the wedding planning thing and some people love being involved in every detail. You should definitely let your BFF know how much you appreciate her help but if the title isn't important to her and it is to your sister....maybe it would be easier to just let it go.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.

kerbohl

I agree with @ibuet348.  It is just a title.  I think it was a little silly of your sister to insist that the MOH title always goes to the sister, but if she said that, it seems like it means a lot to her.  I think it would already be too late to make your friend a second MOH - like a PP said, it would look like you are just promoting her at this point, and so maybe not that helpful. 
My suggestion, which you can feel free to take or not, is to mention to your friend how grateful you are for all her help, and that you appreciate her not just for that help but for how much she has supported you.  And then do something nice for her that is non-wedding related as a thank-you, like taking her out for dinner.  As for you sister, tell her that you have taken her feelings into consideration and have decided not to make your friend a co-MOH (she may be seeing it as being demoted).  It sucks that she is essentially getting what she wants after she has acted childish about it, and I don't like the idea that you feel like you are giving in, but if you want to salvage the relationship, unfortunately that is what you might have to do.   
I hope that this works out!  And I hope your sister stops acting this way and threatening your relationship with her over something like a MOH title. 

Maggie0829

So this was a "coddle the OP like a baby" type thread. Got it. And for the record the sister is not the only one acting childish in this situation.

zitiqueen

courtneyhindo said:

That wasn't really helpful at all

Sure it was. Your sister is behaving the way she always has and I'm asking why you would expect her to behave any differently.

zitiqueen

courtneyhindo said:

Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.

You got helpful answers. What you wanted, but didn't request, was for us to pat you on the head and say that you're right and your sister is a big ol' meanie and how dare she not put her life on hold for your wedding??!?? Wrong board for that, pumpkin. Try Wedding Bee.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

kerbohl, I appreciate your input. That's sort of what I am leaning towards now. Might be more trouble than it's worth, I guess.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

Maggie0829, but I appreciated the actual helpful and insightful answers as opposed to the ones where people were being rude and judgmental.

Maggie0829

courtneyhindo said:

Maggie0829, but I appreciated the actual helpful and insightful answers as opposed to the ones where people were being rude and judgmental.

My response was neither rude or judgmental. You are irritated with your sister because of how she is acting. Have you ever considered that she is acting that way because of how you are treating her?  Again, this is not all on your sister, you make up at least half of this problem.

And of course the only advice you listen to are those that agree that your sister is in the wrong and you are in a right.  Count me as shocked.

lc07

I think we need a PSA about what being bridesmaids and MOH really means. I don't mean to sound elitist but it was kind of just common sense to me. I asked my sister, who lives 3,000 miles away from me, to be my MOH because she is the closest human being to me on this earth and I love her and wanted to honor her. 

SHE told me she was grateful for the honor but was concerned that she didn't deserve it since she wasn't here with me to plan parties and help with wedding planning. I explained to her that that was not why I was choosing my MOH. I was choosing the person that I wanted to stand next to me while I said vows to my future husband. And that I wanted to honor her in front of all of my friends and family. Period. 

I believe that is the spirit in which choosing your bridal party was intended.

KeptInStitches

lc07 said:

I think we need a PSA about what being bridesmaids and MOH really means. I don't mean to sound elitist but it was kind of just common sense to me. I asked my sister, who lives 3,000 miles away from me, to be my MOH because she is the closest human being to me on this earth and I love her and wanted to honor her. 

SHE told me she was grateful for the honor but was concerned that she didn't deserve it since she wasn't here with me to plan parties and help with wedding planning. I explained to her that that was not why I was choosing my MOH. I was choosing the person that I wanted to stand next to me while I said vows to my future husband. And that I wanted to honor her in front of all of my friends and family. Period. 

I believe that is the spirit in which choosing your bridal party was intended.

Did you and I pick the same MOH? Mine is ~1500 miles away, but that was her first concern as well. I really hate the "wedding industry" for putting this expectation on people.

Bubblegum5586

courtneyhindo

I was a BM in my BFF's wedding and her sister was her MOH. Her sister lived far away and had 4 kids so she wasn't able to be around much. I lived the closest to the bride (of all 7 BMs) and LOVE weddings. I jumped in deep to help her with everything! Not because I was trying to take the MOH title but because I love my friend and I wanted to help!

Let your friend help and make sure you let her know she is appreciated but why are you stirring up unnecessary drama if everything was fine the way it was? I assume your BFF was standing second anyways? So the only difference will be how she is listed in your programs (IF you even have programs.) Focus on planning your wedding and marrying your soulmate and stop trying to rank/tier your friends and family.

Rebl90

Who spends an hour looking at napkin colors?? That's what I want to know.

lc07

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Rebl90 said:

Who spends an hour looking at napkin colors?? That's what I want to know.

Kauris

Was thinking the same thing! I hope you're planning a wedding like 5 years out if you spend this much time on such insignificant things like napkin colors.

chibiyui

I only came to this thread for the DD.

NYCMercedes

courtneyhindo said:

Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.

This is incredibly rude.