Black Tie Optional Entertainment?

Lblatt83

I'm having a black tie optional wedding in downtown Boston. The plans is live guitarist for ceremony, pianist for cocktail hour and a jazz trio for formal sit down dinner. Dancing will be happening after dinner in a more modern roof top room over looking city. Can I have a DJ for this portion, since it's just dancing?

ShesSoCold

I don't see any problem with that at all. As long as you don't put anything about attire on the invitations, you're good. Sounds like a great time!

LadyMillil

I think a DJ is fine. Just FYI black tie optional isn't a thing. A wedding is either black tie or it isn't. To be a black tie event there is a list of criteria that needs to be met that includes things like the attire, start time, meal service, meal type, entertainment, valet parking and music.

Viczaesar

Lblatt83 said:

I'm having a black tie optional wedding in downtown Boston. The plans is live guitarist for ceremony, pianist for cocktail hour and a jazz trio for formal sit down dinner. Dancing will be happening after dinner in a more modern roof top room over looking city. Can I have a DJ for this portion, since it's just dancing?

There is no such thing as a 'black tie optional wedding.'  Since it's not a black tie affair, you can have a DJ.

monkeysip

If you fulfilled all of the other requirements for your event to be black tie, then I'd say it'd be ok to have a DJ just for the after dinner dancing.  

But I agree with pps... black tie optional isn't a thing.  Unless that's just how you're describing it to yourself, and you have no intention of actually putting that on the invitations.

lc07

Your wedding sounds fun and I wanna come. Agree with the PPs, however, not to put black tie optional on the invite. Because life is black-tie-optional as is.

LondonLisa

Yeah, there is no such thing as black tie optional. It sounds like you are having a formal wedding, not black tie. And as such, a DJ is perfectly appropriate. Your wedding sounds fun (just don't put black tie optional on your invitations or website!).

crunchymamaof2

The music choices sound great! I have to reiterate what the other ladies have said though- black tie optional isn't a thing. It's either black tie or not (after 6pm, multi course meal, gloved service (?), top shelf open bar, live music, valet, etc). If you meet all of the requirements then you can put black tie on the invitations. But please don't put black tie optional as it will just lead to a lot of confusion for your guests.

Lblatt83

Thanks everyone, I feel better about music choices. I didn't realize black tie optional wasn't a "thing." I just ordered my invites and they definitely state black tie optional on them. Did I make a huge mistake?! Oh no now I'm freaking out

Lblatt83

PS. Everything meets the requirements for black tie, except the DJ. That's why I did optional. I'm now definitely regretting stating black tie optional, and it's too late to fix the invite order.

lilacck28

@Lblatt83 I just had a conversation with my grandmother about black tie optional. I told her that it confuses people. She said she prefers it. She knows it means quite formal, but doesn't have to rent a tux for my grandfather or freak out if she can't find a floor length gown. shrug. I wouldn't stress too hard about it. 

Lblatt83

@lilacck28‌ many thanks to you and your grandmother

LondonLisa

It's not a huge mistake, like a cash bar, but it can lead to a lot confusion among your guests. 

The problem with Black Tie optional, is that as PP have said, it is either black tie or not. Black Tie events are on the next level of formality to a standard formal wedding (think State Dinners). We have been to a few black tie weddings and they are lovely, but they are definitely different than a formal wedding (which, is equally fantastic, but just on a separate level). Although Black Tie can be worn at any formal dinner, Fi would feel very silly showing up to a formal wedding in a dinner jacket when everyone else was in dark suits.  It would be like you showing up to an afternoon wedding in a full sequin gown and opera length gloves when everyone else was in pastel short dresses. He would feel over dressed and uncomfortable. Also, black tie is a very "know your crowd" situation (in knowing if they own black tie attire) therefore it pressures people into spending money to hire black tie when it is really not required. 

The good rule of thumb is: "If you have to ask if it is Black Tie, it isn't."

Can you contact your printers and see if they'll do another batch for you at a discounted rate? It isn't the end of the world if you can't but if it is fixable at a reasonable cost, I would do it. 

Jessie42613

Chiming in on the BTO thing.. I know this goes against the grain of thinking here, but I completely agree with @lilacck228.  The OP's wedding sounds pretty fancy with several different live musicians and rooftop dancing, and reading BTO on the invitation to this particular event would absolutely make me take it up a notch in the outfit department.

On the list of etiquette faux pas, this one is wayyyyy way way down on the list for me.

AddieCake

Since tons of people don't know that "black tie optional" isn't a thing, I agree most will not side eye it and will probably just assume it means to dress a little fancier. Don't worry about it.

photokitty

While it's technically not ok, I let it slide. Personally, I don't mind a heads up on what most guests will be wearing. But in reality all weddings are black tie optional if they aren't already black tie or white tie.

I only get annoyed if you tell me I need to wear a sun dress in pastel colors pink, powder blue or lavender, no green or orange. Men should wear khakis, white button up and bow tie - or something else equally specific :-p

NYCBruin

Jessie42613 said:

Chiming in on the BTO thing.. I know this goes against the grain of thinking here, but I completely agree with @lilacck228.  The OP's wedding sounds pretty fancy with several different live musicians and rooftop dancing, and reading BTO on the invitation to this particular event would absolutely make me take it up a notch in the outfit department.

On the list of etiquette faux pas, this one is wayyyyy way way down on the list for me.

The confusing part is for people who know what black tie actually is.  I don't like BTO because I would definitely wear a long dress to a black tie wedding but with BTO I don't know if I will be the only one in a long dress.  And if I wear a short dress, I may be the only one in a short dress.  It's fashion limbo.

That said, I agree, it's pretty low on the list of infractions.  And BTO only is really very annoying when someone is having a wedding that isn't close to black tie but just wants people to "look nice" or "not wear jeans" or something else absurd.  Sounds like OP made an honest mistake and since her wedding is pretty much black tie, I don't think think there's too much harm done.

lilacck28

NYCBruin said:

Jessie42613 said:

Chiming in on the BTO thing.. I know this goes against the grain of thinking here, but I completely agree with @lilacck228.  The OP's wedding sounds pretty fancy with several different live musicians and rooftop dancing, and reading BTO on the invitation to this particular event would absolutely make me take it up a notch in the outfit department.

On the list of etiquette faux pas, this one is wayyyyy way way down on the list for me.

The confusing part is for people who know what black tie actually is.  I don't like BTO because I would definitely wear a long dress to a black tie wedding but with BTO I don't know if I will be the only one in a long dress.  And if I wear a short dress, I may be the only one in a short dress.  It's fashion limbo.

That said, I agree, it's pretty low on the list of infractions.  And BTO only is really very annoying when someone is having a wedding that isn't close to black tie but just wants people to "look nice" or "not wear jeans" or something else absurd.  Sounds like OP made an honest mistake and since her wedding is pretty much black tie, I don't think think there's too much harm done.

That's why I said I thought it was confusing. I'm definitely the type to wonder "will everyone be in a gown?? Do I need a gown??" But there are tons of people like my grandmother who don't really care what other people think and are fine with it. They just read it as "be a little fancier." I wouldn't reorder invitations over it since its a fairly common (if technically incorrect) designation. 

JCbride2015

Your wedding actually sounds exactly like mine with the multiple live musicians, but a DJ for dancing.  I legitimately think DJ's are usually better than bands if your crowd really likes to dance!

That said, "Black Tie" not only has that list of criteria, but also means men must wear tuxes and women must wear long gowns.  That can't be option, it either is or is not a BT wedding.  Your guests who really know what BT means will be confused.  To rent a tux or not rent a tux?  Should they buy a new dress?

Now that you've made the mistake, I think fixing it depends on your crowd.  If your crowd doesn't normally go to BT weddings, they may not really know what it means and think it just means to dress nicer.  But if your crowd really attends BT functions a lot, they will be side-eyeing BTO and getting confused about what to wear.

It's not the end of the world either way, though.  If you can't afford to have all the invitations re-printed, just shrug it off.  Worse things have happened!

Lblatt83

Thanks everyone! It would definitely cost more money to reorder invites, and I believe most guests invited won't be upset by BTO. I'll reach out to a few friends that I think would be confused and let them know not to stress out about what to wear.

crunchymamaof2

Guys can @lblatt83 get an award for handling advice so awesomely?! Because her responses have been pretty awesome and it's refreshing not to read "omg you guys are such bitches it my area this is totally fine! Wamp wamp"

Lblatt83

@crunchymamaof2 you are too sweet!

LDay2014

Lblatt83 said:

@crunchymamaof2 you are too sweet!

It's true.  Most of us get our asses slapped good at least once...I know I did.  And I didn't handle it as well as you.

Well done

syoun1nj

Maybe you could add a note on your website about what "BTO" means to you (like an FAQ site) - i.e., long gowns and tuxes not required; most guests will be wearing cocktail dresses and suits. I don't love dress codes but in this case I think it clarifies without forcing you to reorder your invites.

JoanE2012

Did you approve the invitation proof?  Or are they just ordered.  If they're just ordered, you can probably change them......it shouldn't go to printing until you approve it.

Lblatt83

Invites have already gone to printer. Great idea about clarifying on website! Done and done

QueerFemme

I think I'm the only one that would say reorder the invitations

sarahufl

I wouldn't worry about it. I have been to several BTO events. And while I agree, they can be confusing, they aren't THAT confusing. Unless a wedding is outside, on a beach somewhere, I pretty much always wear a cocktail dress- which I would to a BTO wedding.

I did, however, go to a BTO wedding once (in September in New York City) and there was a grown man in a full seersucker suit. I side-eyed that one.

photokitty

sarahufl said:

I wouldn't worry about it. I have been to several BTO events. And while I agree, they can be confusing, they aren't THAT confusing. Unless a wedding is outside, on a beach somewhere, I pretty much always wear a cocktail dress- which I would to a BTO wedding.

I did, however, go to a BTO wedding once (in September in New York City) and there was a grown man in a full seersucker suit. I side-eyed that one.

My uncle and one of my parents' closest friends both wore full sear sucker suits to mine and both my sister's wedding. I love SS suits. But all three weddings were in the summer. Neither wore them to my brother's October wedding. If the wedding was Labor Day weekend I wouldn't side eye it still.